How to spot an abuser
I'm no angel!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
How to spot an abuser
I posted this here years ago, thought it might be worth a reread. To me, this checklist applies to both men and women.
How to Spot an Abuser
Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think… ”Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” That over protective boyfriend in high school that demanded all your time and attention may have seemed romantic at that time. That boyfriend that was so handsome and charming but never seemed to have any money, and even though he made profuse flowery promises, he never paid you back.
We may have grown up in a home or even in a culture were women were treated this way, or we may have learned to expect it from the examples above. But as adult women we should know the red flags that help spot an abuser.
I wish the schools and churches (better yet the parents) would teach these red flags to the young ladies so they would make the proper choices in choosing dates. The following is a checklist to help weed out the abuser from the nice guys. And yes, there still are nice guys out there.
HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER CHECKLIST
____ 1. Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person?
____ 2. Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you?
____ 3. Do you catch this person in lies?
____ 4. Are you this person's only friend?
____ 5. Does this person talk badly about other women?
____ 6. Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
____ 7. Is this person mean to animals?
____ 8. Is this person subject to road rage?
____ 9. Does this person anger easily?
____ 10. Does this person hold grudges?
____ 11. Does this person express their anger physically?
____ 12. Is this person upset that you have other friends?
____ 13. Is this person jealous of your friends and realatives?
____ 14. Does this person try to cut you off from your friends?
____ 15. Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
____ 16. Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
____ 17. Is this person totally fixated on you?
____ 18. Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
____ 19. Is this person co-dependent?
____ 20. Does this person have a poor self-image?
____ 21. Does this person have poor impulse control?
____ 22. Is this person preoccupied with sex?
____ 23. Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with compulsive gambling?
____ 24. Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future.
____ 25. Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
____ 26. Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
___ 27. Does this person take your money?
___ 28. Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see the movie of their choice?
___ 29. Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY
objected?
____ 30. Has this person threatened to hit you?
____ 31. Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you?
____ 32. Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to do so?
____ 33. Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times (Jeckyll and Hyde)?
____ 34. Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check up to you to make sure?
____ 35. Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail?
____ 36. Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
____ 37. Does this person have a problem with authority figures?
____ 38. Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows?
____ 39. Has this person tried to 'brush aside' your concerns and just trust him?
____ 40. Listen to your phone calls? Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.
If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry this list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to when chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I know of many other women that have.
Unfortunately, abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear about on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s time to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a skilled liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.
Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.
If you'd like to write to gentle^spirit, click here .
© 2002, 2004 gentle^spirit-All Rights Reserved except BDSM symbol © 1995 by [email protected]
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!
You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org .
Return to "Abuse" Index
How to Spot an Abuser
We may have grown up in a home or even in a culture were women were treated this way, or we may have learned to expect it from the examples above. But as adult women we should know the red flags that help spot an abuser.
I wish the schools and churches (better yet the parents) would teach these red flags to the young ladies so they would make the proper choices in choosing dates. The following is a checklist to help weed out the abuser from the nice guys. And yes, there still are nice guys out there.
HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER CHECKLIST
____ 1. Are you afraid to act like yourself with this person?
____ 2. Does this person refuse to talk AND listen to you?
____ 3. Do you catch this person in lies?
____ 4. Are you this person's only friend?
____ 5. Does this person talk badly about other women?
____ 6. Does this person mistreat their mother/father, siblings or ex?
____ 7. Is this person mean to animals?
____ 8. Is this person subject to road rage?
____ 9. Does this person anger easily?
____ 10. Does this person hold grudges?
____ 11. Does this person express their anger physically?
____ 12. Is this person upset that you have other friends?
____ 13. Is this person jealous of your friends and realatives?
____ 14. Does this person try to cut you off from your friends?
____ 15. Does this person try to keep you from practicing your faith?
____ 16. Would you not consider this person a friend outside of this relationship?
____ 17. Is this person totally fixated on you?
____ 18. Was this person abused as a child? Was their mother abused?
____ 19. Is this person co-dependent?
____ 20. Does this person have a poor self-image?
____ 21. Does this person have poor impulse control?
____ 22. Is this person preoccupied with sex?
____ 23. Does this person have a history of alcohol or drug abuse or a problem with compulsive gambling?
____ 24. Has this person pushed for intimacy early in the relationship? Perhaps making all sorts of promises for marriage and hope for the future.
____ 25. Does this person use guilt to try to manipulate you?
____ 26. Does this person unjustly accuse you of flirting with others?
___ 27. Does this person take your money?
___ 28. Must you always watch the TV program that this person wishes to see the movie of their choice?
___ 29. Has this person tried “playful” forceful sex? Not stopping until you REALLY
objected?
____ 30. Has this person threatened to hit you?
____ 31. Has this person hit, shoved, bit, kicked or in other ways tried to injure you?
____ 32. Has this person destroyed any of your property? Has this person threatened to do so?
____ 33. Does this person have a dual personality? Is this person nice and friendly most of the time, then cruel and heartless at other times (Jeckyll and Hyde)?
____ 34. Does this person have to know where you are every minute and check up to you to make sure?
____ 35. Does this person check through your computer history, e-mail, cookies and logs to see where you have been? Does this person read your mail?
____ 36. Are you not allowed to be alone with friends and family?
____ 37. Does this person have a problem with authority figures?
____ 38. Does this person have extreme highs and extreme lows?
____ 39. Has this person tried to 'brush aside' your concerns and just trust him?
____ 40. Listen to your phone calls? Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.
If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry this list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to when chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I know of many other women that have.
Unfortunately, abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear about on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s time to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a skilled liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.
Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.
If you'd like to write to gentle^spirit, click here .
© 2002, 2004 gentle^spirit-All Rights Reserved except BDSM symbol © 1995 by [email protected]
If you feel you are in an abusive relationship, get help now!
You can take the first step by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) (TDD 1-800-787-3224) or go to http://www.ndvh.org .
Return to "Abuse" Index
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thanks for posting this Dolly.
Year ago I had a good friend through work who invited me for coffee about once a month. Her husband was charming, the perfect gentleman, but when no one was around he was a terrible abuser. I just thought my friend had a lot of accidents, until she left him and told me why.
She was one of the lucky ones who didn't stay long with an abuser.
Today there are shelters and so much help available to help women who are ready to reach out. Too many are afraid, even with help available.
I hope your list can help people identify the abuser who may be in their life.
Hugs
Year ago I had a good friend through work who invited me for coffee about once a month. Her husband was charming, the perfect gentleman, but when no one was around he was a terrible abuser. I just thought my friend had a lot of accidents, until she left him and told me why.
She was one of the lucky ones who didn't stay long with an abuser.
Today there are shelters and so much help available to help women who are ready to reach out. Too many are afraid, even with help available.
I hope your list can help people identify the abuser who may be in their life.
Hugs
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Do you think there is real validity to checking just a few. I may be rationalizing, but everyone does have a bad day? I came up with 4 for someone I think I'm in love with. 3 of which only occured when they drank...
I'm no angel!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This post is food for thought, nothing more. It will not change the bottom line, either you want to be with the person or not.
I have found that "The Perfect Mate" is not always that, before a committed relationship and then after, "The Real Mate" surfaces. The good behavior is gone, the abuser emerges.
I can tell you that before I lived with exabf I would have checked 5 or 6, after, at least 20,
he outright lied about everything and when the truth came out, it was too late, the mistake was made.
I did get out. but I wasted years of my life with this abuser/addict.
My bad!
I have found that "The Perfect Mate" is not always that, before a committed relationship and then after, "The Real Mate" surfaces. The good behavior is gone, the abuser emerges.
I can tell you that before I lived with exabf I would have checked 5 or 6, after, at least 20,
he outright lied about everything and when the truth came out, it was too late, the mistake was made.
I did get out. but I wasted years of my life with this abuser/addict.
My bad!
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