FreeingMyself

So I think my AH understands that if he doesn't make an effort to change I am trully done. So presently he is NOT drinking that I know of and is treating me kindly and with respect. It has been such a drastic change from how he normally acts. Granted it has only been about 1 1/2 weeks with this new attitude, but I have enjoyed it. My dilemma is, I feel like this is simply a way of "keeping" me. Sure he can do it for a limited time, but is it trully a change. No he does not attend AA or couseling or have any program he is following, just this "new" outlook. So I guess I was wondering is this common behavior for anyone else's A, to change their behavior for a limited time, and how long can he keep this "game" face on? I appreciate your opinions and thoughts! THANKS!

posiesperson

Hi mentallyexh,

The other day I was thinking about my exA and turned on the radio. The song that was playing was, "You make me promises, promises...you know you'll never keep...why do I believe?" That was me. There were plenty of "good behavior" stints by my ex, all designed to keep me playing my role as a good codie, which was a role I was really afraid to stop playing.

No one can know how long your A will behave this way. Add that to the list of the things we can't control...

In my experience it wasn't how long "good, decent, human behavior" lasted that I remember most clearly. What I remember is how deep the despair and disappointment sent me "into the abyss" of my own emotions when the other ("bad") behaviors emerged again. And they always emerged again.

Hugs,
posie

posiesperson

mentallyexh,

The other thing I wanted to mention is that you've talked about this man putting his hands around your neck. I'm concerned for your safety when his internal "pressure cooker" reaches it's capacity. Please, please make a plan for you and your children if you haven't already...

posie

Just Breathe1

The longest my XABF went in one of his "changed" periods was about 3 months. Towards the end of the 3 months I am pretty sure he was drinking and hiding it, and his old attitude started to resurface. During the 3 months that he went without drinking he was very nice, and helpful. However, after those 3 months, once he started drinking again it was worse. My XA had these periods quite often, it was one of the things that made it so hard to end it. He gave me just enough good to be willing to overlook the bad.

I can't say what your husband is or will do, but I can say that for me just not drinking is not enough. I used to ask my ex to just stop drinking, but then I realized that not only was that not a possibility, but it wouldn't be enough. He needed a program to teach him how to live without the alcohol, cause I don't think he knows how anymore.

You need to decide what you need, and then try to set some boundaries to ensure that you get whatever that is. We're here for you!

Thumper

For my xah it wasn't very long at all and when it became to difficult, things were way worse then they were before because his stress level had been raised sky high by my taking a stand (as well as losing his mother). He started drinking again in short order and his behavior became extreme (for him) in ways it never had before. As the pp said, make sure you are safe and have a plan.