Girlfriend's Son... Stopping the Cycle..
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
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Girlfriend's Son... Stopping the Cycle..
My girlfriend's son has severe anger control issues. The cycle seems to be this... A rage outburst where he destroys property and is severely abusive to his mother. He then kisses ass, every thing normalizes until the next outburst. He has threatened suicide before, and my hunch is that it is simply a bluff. He seems to use this as a means to prevent mom from defending herself. I do know to take a any an all suicidal threats seriously and we are encouraging him to see a counselor.
When we first started dating he stole morphine and high potency pain killers left over from a relative who recently died. He lied and told his mother I stole them. Money that is left out on counters goes missing as have my high quality sunglasses that I use for cycling. Even outside his rage episodes he is verbally abusive to his mother; then very nice and tells her he loves her. I know it is time to break the cycle, am in love with my girlfriend and will do everything reasonable within my power to make this work.
Last Sunday we had a family day. The son drove to gf's sister's. The grandparents were there as well. I noticed a slight smell of mj on him as we started the trip there. He missed a full green cycle of a stoplight on the way there. Our stay with family was without incident. On the way home, he started raging. He blamed his mother for the wallet he left at the sisters. Started driving 20+ over the speed limit in a residential area. I told him that was too fast. He became even angrier and started driving under the speed limit. I tried to have a rational discussion with him. He called me a ****** and a *****, told me he was going to kick my as, stopped the car. I ignore him. He got back in, drove home, ignored my request to let me out, and left in his car immediatly after getting back. I'm good at the sticks and stones thing. Suggestions as to how to help? He denies using mj, only being around people who had. If any one out there has dealt with a similar situation you input is greatly appreciated.
When we first started dating he stole morphine and high potency pain killers left over from a relative who recently died. He lied and told his mother I stole them. Money that is left out on counters goes missing as have my high quality sunglasses that I use for cycling. Even outside his rage episodes he is verbally abusive to his mother; then very nice and tells her he loves her. I know it is time to break the cycle, am in love with my girlfriend and will do everything reasonable within my power to make this work.
Last Sunday we had a family day. The son drove to gf's sister's. The grandparents were there as well. I noticed a slight smell of mj on him as we started the trip there. He missed a full green cycle of a stoplight on the way there. Our stay with family was without incident. On the way home, he started raging. He blamed his mother for the wallet he left at the sisters. Started driving 20+ over the speed limit in a residential area. I told him that was too fast. He became even angrier and started driving under the speed limit. I tried to have a rational discussion with him. He called me a ****** and a *****, told me he was going to kick my as, stopped the car. I ignore him. He got back in, drove home, ignored my request to let me out, and left in his car immediatly after getting back. I'm good at the sticks and stones thing. Suggestions as to how to help? He denies using mj, only being around people who had. If any one out there has dealt with a similar situation you input is greatly appreciated.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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You don't mention the son's age. Is he an adult, legally? No one should have to put up with abuse and he sounds like a positively awful person to be around. Is there some reason why he is living with his mother and not out on his own?
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Questions - Where's his dad? - If he's a fit enough - time to step up to the plate?
How long have you been with your GF? Do you see a future with her. Before getting all emeshed in her son's issues? If you've been around the boy for a while and you think you'll be in the picture a while - Perhaps you two could find a common interest. Is there something he's into that you could help foster? Art? Music? Fishing? Hiking?
It seems like he doesn't respect you much? With lying about you taking drugs and just being really defiant with you - Although, that's pretty common for teenage boys to feel that way about mom's boyfriends. So, is there a male figure in his life that he really looks up to that can spend some time with him? Maybe mom can call this person and explain the recent events. Might need some other adults spending time with him. Like reinforcers.
I believe it takes a village to raise kids. Particularly troubled kids. The more same sex adults reinforcing positive role models the better!
He's in therapy for anger right??
How long have you been with your GF? Do you see a future with her. Before getting all emeshed in her son's issues? If you've been around the boy for a while and you think you'll be in the picture a while - Perhaps you two could find a common interest. Is there something he's into that you could help foster? Art? Music? Fishing? Hiking?
It seems like he doesn't respect you much? With lying about you taking drugs and just being really defiant with you - Although, that's pretty common for teenage boys to feel that way about mom's boyfriends. So, is there a male figure in his life that he really looks up to that can spend some time with him? Maybe mom can call this person and explain the recent events. Might need some other adults spending time with him. Like reinforcers.
I believe it takes a village to raise kids. Particularly troubled kids. The more same sex adults reinforcing positive role models the better!
He's in therapy for anger right??
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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Should have given a little context in orig post... Here we go; he is 20 years old. Mom divorced dad when he was 5 because he beat her. She took a cut in alimony to get sole custody, and all things considered did an amazing job raising him. Hexseems to let mom clean up all his messes, has not apologized to me, but has to mom (kiss up to the enabler right?). To me, mom also enabled by letting him wash clothes before he left (he has been told not to come back until he gets; I want to change the locks) He quit community college, moved back to town and seems to mostly hang out (work out) ... I suspect steroids are a possibility, and works a couple nights a week as a doorman at a nightclub (ironically a job that mom got him). Mom is afraid to be firm because of him previously mentionioning suicide (an incedent where the police were called and was givin a psych eval). Things smoothed over for a while. Next was a rage where he let out at mom verbally and punched and destroyed an interior door. The last incident directed at me was the first I've witnessed firsthand. Dad is not active at all in his life and I'm glad. I try to provide a good example, but his interaction with me comes across a shady an manipulative. I'm now 99.9% sure he stole my sunglasse and 100 % sure we need to be proactive or some really nasty stuff could happen.
Last edited by ElegantlyWasted; 05-25-2010 at 02:09 PM. Reason: Tyyyypos
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
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((EW))
Unfortunately, until his mother is ready to set and stay firm with her boundaries - there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help HER.
You can however set boundaries for yourself in a kind, respectful way, with HEALTHY compassion - which may help your girlfriend see there is a possibility of another way.
From your post - it appears that all 3 of you were in a vehicle together - he became angry and was a very unsafe driver. A way of setting a boundary that your GF might learn from would be . . .
"I have found for my own safety, well-being and peace of mind, it is better for me to take my own vehicle rather than ride with ________. I am uncomfortable with his driving habits."
or
"I'm going to keep my stuff in my locked vehicle, I think it's just a safer place and will avoid any possibility of any future misunderstandings."
These are just suggestions of modified behaviors we can do to let our loved ones know that we don't condone their actions. We can't change their behaviors but we will take necessary action to protect ourselves. Hopefully your girlfriend will pick up your behaviors and see there is an opportunity for her to have a healthier, saner and SAFER life.
HUGS,
Rita
Unfortunately, until his mother is ready to set and stay firm with her boundaries - there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to help HER.
You can however set boundaries for yourself in a kind, respectful way, with HEALTHY compassion - which may help your girlfriend see there is a possibility of another way.
From your post - it appears that all 3 of you were in a vehicle together - he became angry and was a very unsafe driver. A way of setting a boundary that your GF might learn from would be . . .
"I have found for my own safety, well-being and peace of mind, it is better for me to take my own vehicle rather than ride with ________. I am uncomfortable with his driving habits."
or
"I'm going to keep my stuff in my locked vehicle, I think it's just a safer place and will avoid any possibility of any future misunderstandings."
These are just suggestions of modified behaviors we can do to let our loved ones know that we don't condone their actions. We can't change their behaviors but we will take necessary action to protect ourselves. Hopefully your girlfriend will pick up your behaviors and see there is an opportunity for her to have a healthier, saner and SAFER life.
HUGS,
Rita
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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"I have found for my own safety, well-being and peace of mind, it is better for me to take my own vehicle rather than ride with ________. I am uncomfortable with his driving habits."
Already done. Amost the exact same words.
Already done. Amost the exact same words.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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He's in therapy for anger right??"
He went to one session after the door destruction incident. My gf has communicated to him concretely that he is not welcome until he starts going to treatment regularly. I fairly certain he is also abusing steroids/suppliments in addition to definitly smoking weed. His parting words to me were that he does not want me in "his house". He doesn't get it that it's Mom's house, she pays the bills and gives him additional financial support; cash and tuition (we have no idea how his grades were last semester) and mom does not want to ask nor does she want me to. HeR take goes back to the suicide thing and not wanting to push him over the edge. I have my own place, but usually spent the night with her. We were planning on buying something in the near future. And I do want to figure out a way to make it work.
He went to one session after the door destruction incident. My gf has communicated to him concretely that he is not welcome until he starts going to treatment regularly. I fairly certain he is also abusing steroids/suppliments in addition to definitly smoking weed. His parting words to me were that he does not want me in "his house". He doesn't get it that it's Mom's house, she pays the bills and gives him additional financial support; cash and tuition (we have no idea how his grades were last semester) and mom does not want to ask nor does she want me to. HeR take goes back to the suicide thing and not wanting to push him over the edge. I have my own place, but usually spent the night with her. We were planning on buying something in the near future. And I do want to figure out a way to make it work.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Japic nailed it! You and your GF need to talk about boundaries. He's 20 and defiant. If he's on steroids (which would explain the anger) or any other drug and doesn't admit it. Any helping, caring, or friendly hand that someone puts out to him is moot.
A friend of mine in the program recently broke up with a girlfriend because of how enabling she was with her son. He just couldn't stand to watch it go on any longer. :-(
A friend of mine in the program recently broke up with a girlfriend because of how enabling she was with her son. He just couldn't stand to watch it go on any longer. :-(
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Do you live with your girlfriend? [<--nevermind, we cross-posted!]
This seems like a lot more violence than I'd be comfortable dealing with in my own house. And if it were someone else's house, I would probably not feel comfortable going over there.
I think maybe it would be helpful for you to pinpoint exactly what things you're not comfortable with and figure out some boundaries around those things. The car boundary you came up with is a good example.
Maybe al-anon would be worth a try? Maybe your gf would go with you. Other than suggesting that, I don't know that there's anything you can do to help her or her son.
This seems like a lot more violence than I'd be comfortable dealing with in my own house. And if it were someone else's house, I would probably not feel comfortable going over there.
I think maybe it would be helpful for you to pinpoint exactly what things you're not comfortable with and figure out some boundaries around those things. The car boundary you came up with is a good example.
Maybe al-anon would be worth a try? Maybe your gf would go with you. Other than suggesting that, I don't know that there's anything you can do to help her or her son.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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Should I assert myself as an authority figure? I'm a former 6 foot college athlete, and he tries to verbally and physically intimidate me! I've let alot of his bs slide in the hopes of it just being adolescent moodiness or a phase. He seem to get off on intimidating people. He accordingly seems to interpret me ignoring his bs a weakness. My instinct is to sit him down and specifically go over his lies and bad behavior on a case by case basis. My take is that he knows that we know and to shut us up he trys to intimidate. Again, gf's take is don't upset him because he mentioned suicide. I know underneath it all he is a scared little who has had male role models of dubious quality. I'm also not that impressed with the crowd he hangs with.
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Should I assert myself as an authority figure?
If she is not willing to tell her son to find a place of his own is it possible for her to visit you at your place?
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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"if i'm not mistaken she had to put up with some BS from you as well not too long ago......that's not me coming down on you, but just to say this lady is getting it from all sides.."
So true. I realize that that at her heart she is a generous soul and a care taker. I have been dry now for 10 months. She continues to drink to the and have watched her Drunken and irrational behavior infront of her son. I do realize that her drinking is an issue as well. I know my lifeis about to take off. I have a great new job starting June 1st and want them along for the ride. I will say that I have never been verbally or physically to my gf or her son. All of her x's were addicts who wheated on her. I'm not sure of the extent to which the son is aware of this. I do know that like attracts like and that I'm to a large extent to not resemble who I was a year ago. I want responsibility and to have a positive impact on my surroundings especially those I love. My girlfriend is on day three today and I'm going to stick with this for awhile to see what I can do.
So true. I realize that that at her heart she is a generous soul and a care taker. I have been dry now for 10 months. She continues to drink to the and have watched her Drunken and irrational behavior infront of her son. I do realize that her drinking is an issue as well. I know my lifeis about to take off. I have a great new job starting June 1st and want them along for the ride. I will say that I have never been verbally or physically to my gf or her son. All of her x's were addicts who wheated on her. I'm not sure of the extent to which the son is aware of this. I do know that like attracts like and that I'm to a large extent to not resemble who I was a year ago. I want responsibility and to have a positive impact on my surroundings especially those I love. My girlfriend is on day three today and I'm going to stick with this for awhile to see what I can do.
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Hi EW,
First off, so sorry for what you're going through (and getting your cycling sunglasses stolen). He sounds a LOT like my older brother, who--in addition to drug addiction issues--had / has major anger management issues and abusive tendencies. I don't have contact with him at all--we live in different states, and I have other issues with him--so it's difficult for me to know what advice to give you. When I was younger, my parents would set boundaries with his behavior, and he was eventually put out on his own around 20 years with no contact with the family.
He has since cleaned up his act (the drugs), but still flies into rages with his wife. It's sad because we can't do anything; it's in the wife's hands now.
I would say that 20 years old is old enough to be told that "enough is enough". It doesn't sound much like adolescent moodiness. Sounds like setting up boundaries--you and your girlfriend together--might be helpful. I have found that setting boundaries as a team works a lot better than trying to set them up on your own.
Would your GF be open to attending a therapy session together? It might be helpful for the both of you to gather advice from an objective party.
He sounds dangerous and unstable.
Wishing you good thoughts and hugs in whatever you end up doing.
First off, so sorry for what you're going through (and getting your cycling sunglasses stolen). He sounds a LOT like my older brother, who--in addition to drug addiction issues--had / has major anger management issues and abusive tendencies. I don't have contact with him at all--we live in different states, and I have other issues with him--so it's difficult for me to know what advice to give you. When I was younger, my parents would set boundaries with his behavior, and he was eventually put out on his own around 20 years with no contact with the family.
He has since cleaned up his act (the drugs), but still flies into rages with his wife. It's sad because we can't do anything; it's in the wife's hands now.
I would say that 20 years old is old enough to be told that "enough is enough". It doesn't sound much like adolescent moodiness. Sounds like setting up boundaries--you and your girlfriend together--might be helpful. I have found that setting boundaries as a team works a lot better than trying to set them up on your own.
Would your GF be open to attending a therapy session together? It might be helpful for the both of you to gather advice from an objective party.
He sounds dangerous and unstable.
Wishing you good thoughts and hugs in whatever you end up doing.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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Thanks for the posts... Helps me clarify what I should do to do the right thing. GF stepped up to the plate and tracked Dad down. We have insurance to the tune of 80%! Goal is to get him into some individual sessions then joint with mom. I would like to be more involved, but know I'm best right as a cheerleader at this stage of the game. He first needs to get to a point of genuine respect for mom and he obviously has trust issues with prior male authority figures. GF has committed to quit drinking as well. I think this all starts with her actually doing it, my boundaries are in place as best I can figure them out right now. This is all so crazy... Wish me luck.
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Good for you and for the GF for tracking the dad down. It sounds like she is doing the best she can right now, given the situation. Also good that you are there to be her cheerleader right now. Wishing you good thoughts!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
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My three boys were 11, 9 & 6 when I divorced their father. That was over 15yrs ago now and within a year of divorce I met my (now) partner. Im not sure I can actually give you any advice but when I look back, wow, I could of done things differently.
My eldest son started drugs and alcohol I think at about 13 or 14 and he too tried to intimidate, destroy our home, steal and be verbally abusive. I was so wrapped up in the separation, divorce, my ex giving me a hard time and drinking myself silly I wasnt seeing the full picture of what my son was doing. It wasnt until he was probably 18 that I started to see the damage done to him and me. It has been along road since then and he is 27 now.
He too tried the suicide thing, hated authority, hated everyone who loved him and didnt care what damage he did to my house. When he was like this it was because he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol. He was a very sick boy, lost in a world of not really knowing where he belonged I think. I know that our separation caused alot of his problems - everything was taken away from him. Now when I look back, his father should of been there for him in a caring, loving way but he wasnt, I should of been there for him but I wasnt. His addiction got worse and worse and when I was ready to be there, it seemed all too late, he was way out of it.
I wouldnt be an authority figure, (my son just needed someone to be there when he needed it, someone to praise him a little, make suttle suggestions)
I dont know why your gf's sons - father isnt around but some kind of relationship with him, might help him too. He may have been blaming himself for their separation and he may need clarification.
Definitely, he needs professional help now. I tried doing it all alone with my son as I didnt realize of such places as rehab etc back then but boy I would now. Its a difficult one I know, but I wish I knew what I know now. I would of tried to get to the core of his need to use and work from there.
Good Luck JJ
My eldest son started drugs and alcohol I think at about 13 or 14 and he too tried to intimidate, destroy our home, steal and be verbally abusive. I was so wrapped up in the separation, divorce, my ex giving me a hard time and drinking myself silly I wasnt seeing the full picture of what my son was doing. It wasnt until he was probably 18 that I started to see the damage done to him and me. It has been along road since then and he is 27 now.
He too tried the suicide thing, hated authority, hated everyone who loved him and didnt care what damage he did to my house. When he was like this it was because he was under the influence of drugs and alcohol. He was a very sick boy, lost in a world of not really knowing where he belonged I think. I know that our separation caused alot of his problems - everything was taken away from him. Now when I look back, his father should of been there for him in a caring, loving way but he wasnt, I should of been there for him but I wasnt. His addiction got worse and worse and when I was ready to be there, it seemed all too late, he was way out of it.
I wouldnt be an authority figure, (my son just needed someone to be there when he needed it, someone to praise him a little, make suttle suggestions)
I dont know why your gf's sons - father isnt around but some kind of relationship with him, might help him too. He may have been blaming himself for their separation and he may need clarification.
Definitely, he needs professional help now. I tried doing it all alone with my son as I didnt realize of such places as rehab etc back then but boy I would now. Its a difficult one I know, but I wish I knew what I know now. I would of tried to get to the core of his need to use and work from there.
Good Luck JJ
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
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"I wouldnt be an authority figure, (my son just needed someone to be there when he needed it, someone to praise him a little, make suttle suggestions)"
I've come to the conclusion that the best course is to focus on supporting my gf. She has her own issues she needs to address that are her own, but do impact her relationship with her son. I've reached out to him, with "anytime you want to talk", he is totally dispondent. Never confronted him in a hostile manner. The thing is that the only thing he seems to understand is how to manipulate, intimidate and abuse others. He takes me ignoring his irrational behavior as weakness. I think he needs to be called out on his bad behaviour and it needs to and has start(ed)with mom. Funny thinking about it now Mom's behavior when she drinks very closely resembles her sons... Hmmmmmmm.
I've come to the conclusion that the best course is to focus on supporting my gf. She has her own issues she needs to address that are her own, but do impact her relationship with her son. I've reached out to him, with "anytime you want to talk", he is totally dispondent. Never confronted him in a hostile manner. The thing is that the only thing he seems to understand is how to manipulate, intimidate and abuse others. He takes me ignoring his irrational behavior as weakness. I think he needs to be called out on his bad behaviour and it needs to and has start(ed)with mom. Funny thinking about it now Mom's behavior when she drinks very closely resembles her sons... Hmmmmmmm.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted 
"I wouldnt be an authority figure, (my son just needed someone to be there when he needed it, someone to praise him a little, make suttle suggestions)"
I've come to the conclusion that the best course is to focus on supporting my gf. She has her own issues she needs to address that are her own, but do impact her relationship with her son. I've reached out to him, with "anytime you want to talk", he is totally dispondent. Never confronted him in a hostile manner. The thing is that the only thing he seems to understand is how to manipulate, intimidate and abuse others. He takes me ignoring his irrational behavior as weakness. I think he needs to be called out on his bad behaviour and it needs to and has start(ed)with mom. Funny thinking about it now Mom's behavior when she drinks very closely resembles her sons... Hmmmmmmm.
I've come to the conclusion that the best course is to focus on supporting my gf. She has her own issues she needs to address that are her own, but do impact her relationship with her son. I've reached out to him, with "anytime you want to talk", he is totally dispondent. Never confronted him in a hostile manner. The thing is that the only thing he seems to understand is how to manipulate, intimidate and abuse others. He takes me ignoring his irrational behavior as weakness. I think he needs to be called out on his bad behaviour and it needs to and has start(ed)with mom. Funny thinking about it now Mom's behavior when she drinks very closely resembles her sons... Hmmmmmmm.
The one time he stood up to him, he actually grabbed him around the neck and told him in never to speak to us like that again in OUR home and told him to get out. When my son ran outside smashing the front window that night, I thought I may never see him again. Over precious time, he now sits with him and they talk about whats on telly etc. Im not saying do this, but it definitely made my son know that he wasnt about to take anymore of his crap. He was about 20 at that time.
I also know though that my behaviour (drinking) and the other stuff going on, didnt help my sons addiction either. Im not saying feel sorry for him, but at least realize he does need some help. Sure the behaviour wont be tolerated, still let him know occassionally that "he can talk". He will at this point ignore you because he has a way to go yet.
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Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted
Should I assert myself as an authority figure?
I have no idea how I could tolerate a brat like that, I doubt there's a woman out there that I put up with that BS for. Sounds like a toxic situation no matter how you slice it.
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