Just Breathe1

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and confused at the moment. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I feel like my life has taken such a drastic turn, and right now I can't even see the path anymore. I feel like the more I learn about alcoholism, and other people's stories the less hope I have. I thought I had a firm grasp on just how enormous this thing is, but I am quickly learning that I did not, not fully, and it is making me incredibly sad. Sad for things that I thought would be, that I am now realizing probably will not. Sad that I can't be with the man I love. Sad that my son can't be with the only father he has ever known, and sad for my ex. I hate what he is doing to himself.

I have also read some uplifting success stories, which give me more hope, and see all the people that come to these forums seeking help, which also gives me hope. Hope that maybe my ex and I can both work on ourselves and possibly get our family back together. Hope that my son will be able to have the family that I never had. Hope that whether we get our family back together or not he will get help, so that he can have a life worth living, hope that he will at least get help before he kills himself.

I am starting to ponder life(long term) without my XABF, and parts of it don't really seem that bad to me. The wondering what I am coming home to everyday(he hasn't worked since December)am I coming home to him drinking, or will he already be drunk and still drinking, or will he already be drunk, but trying to hide it. That last one really used to infuriate me! I mean come on how stupid do you really think I am?! And then there were the times after he decided he was going to "cut back", which was just BS to try to shut me up for a while, but I digress. During that time I always had to wonder when he was going to give in to the craving, and pick a fight with me so he could feel justified in leaving and going and getting drunk. Then I had to wonder when he was coming home, if he was coming home, and how his temperment would be if he did. Would he come in screaming and yelling about some nonsense, or humble and quiet, tying not to disturb me, as if I could possibly sleep, or just too damn drunk to do anything but pass out, and in the middle of the bed, half on top of me(he did this all the time when he passed out), so now I still can't sleep. I don't miss the ridiculously pointless arguing, always left feeling like maybe I'm crazy(how do they do that so well?) I don't miss the financial troubles, no matter how much money we had, we never seemed to have money, except for beer of course, there was always money for beer. I mean it's just $5, it's just $10. I can't tell you how many times I tried to explain to him how all that adds up, as if it would somehow matter. I don't miss his laziness! All he ever wanted to do with his time were enjoyable things, nothing that needed to be done, most times I was left on my own for those. I don't miss how completely unreliable he was. If he decided to go get drunk, nothing else mattered, not me, not my son, and not any plans we may have had. Lots of excuses made as to why he didn't show up places, lots of handling his responsibilities for him, lots of disappointment in him, lots of hurt from him, lots of injustice and inequality in our relationship, lots of BS!

On the other hand there are all the good things, and there are quite a few of them, but more than that there is guilt. Everytime I start to think about not being with him at all, ever again, I feel guilty. I begin to think that I am giving up on him, when he is most in need, and the guilt kicks my a**.

These are just some of the things swimming around in my head, not to mention my manic depressive mother, who refuses to take medication, told me through sobs that she, "Hates life!", and hung up the phone. She has been saying that more often lately, and she did try to commit suicide about 9 years ago. I am trying to have boundaries with her too, so I just texted her and told her to calm down, everything would be ok. She lives out of state, so checking on her isn't even an option. She made this declaration because my son can't go visit her right when she wants him to for the summer. He can go 3 or 4 weeks later, but that information devastated her, as her disease isn't rational either.

So, like I stated before, I'm so confused, and so sad. I know I can do this, because I have to. I have to focus on me and my son, and what I need to do for me and for us, because if I don't, we will never get to where I want us to be. I just really did want to believe that my ex would be able to be a part of that as well, and realizing that he probably won't is hitting me pretty hard right now.

I just realized how long this post is, and I'm sorry, but I am in a pretty bad place right now, and I needed to get it out.

smacked

I read the whole thing, and it wasn't too long I commend you for taking the actions you feel are in your sons best interest (and yours!), and no one ever said this stuff is easy. I'm glad you found SR, the strength here is incredible, as is the empathy and sense of community. For what its worth, I'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.

Jenny1232

I know exactly where you stand Just Breathe, minus the son. I don't have words of advice, because I'm in the same position. I feel your pain.. and just wanted to say what you already know, you aren't alone. I believe someone named Kimber posted about how incredibly happy she was once she moved on, and found an angel of a man... It's things like that, that push to me think I am making the right decision. Guilt, its a Mother F'er. Don't let it tear away at you.. if your feel selfish, just know you're doing it for your son. You are putting yourself through pain and healing, for HIM, which seems pretty selfless to me.

They say it gets easier, and I'm sure it does. It's easy to rationalize, or even justify some of their behavior. I think the best route, which sucks, is to remain focused on the things you WON'T miss, as you just stated. They speak volumes.. you can't live like that forever, at least not happily...

I hope things look better for you...

Just Breathe1

Thank you Smacked. It actually means a lot to hear that you are proud of me. I'm proud of me too, just sad at the same time. I am already overwhelmed at the support that I have found here, so I definately plan to keep coming. Thanks again!!

Just Breathe1

Thanks Jenny! You are right I do need to focus on all the things I won't miss, they are what keep me strong, and knowing that my son deserves better, yes I do too, but he does even more, as he is an innocent child. He didn't ask for any of this, he just loved. Thanks again for the words of encouragment.

Beachykeen

Oh, I know exactly how you are feeling. I recently left my ABF and life has been pretty tough. We meet sometimes for lunch or something, he is almost always drunk and then starts on the begging for me to come back home. I don't miss the not knowing how he is gonna be when I come home from work. I don't miss the excuses for why he can't get anything done. I sure don't miss the frustration I felt everyday when he was drunk. I do miss the guy I fell in love with, the sober guy who seemed to have so much in common with me. But alcoholism is progressive and no matter how bad he gets, he refuses to stop and get in recovery. Always these half a__ attempts to recover. My son lives with me now, he is in college so I at least have company. I feel guilty that I left but felt that I had no choice. I have realized that my being there did nothing to stop the drinking. So why I feel the need to go and try to get him to stop again is totally futile. I have no choice but to step out of this. I wish him well and pray daily for him. But ultimately it is his decision to get in recovery or continue until he dies. So, hang on. and keep posting

mermaidgirl

JB-You aren't alone-at least not here you aren't. I commend you as well for your clarity of what YOU need in the middle of chaos with your A and your Mom. Boundaries are the beginning of peace for you and your little guy. The steps may feel wobbly at first, but pretty soon you will be running down that path to where you and your son need to be. It IS sad that all the love in the world-cannot save someone that is ill. Take care of yourself-and your little guy.