Luvmy2girlz

I am new here (first post!) so I know that nobody really knows my background, but it seems we sure all do have at least ONE thing in common! What a relief it is to have places like this to get feedback.

In short, my XRAH is really only my X technically, as many of you may know how it goes...the 10 year roller coaster included many ups and downs and lots of separations, and finally divorce. However, just before the divorce, AH apparently hit his "bottom" and decided to become sober (thankfully) and I'm happy to say it was not due to the marriage ending, but regardless, a few months after the divorce, we started to slowly reconcile (we have 2 young daughters from our marriage) and have now been living as a somewhat "normal" family for his 2.5 years of sobriety. It's been a welcome change for sure.

BUT...there has been ONE burning issue all along, and that was this son he had just before we met. The situation is ugly. I could elaborate, but I'm sure many of you know how A's tend to "parent" - especially if it was a hookup. What I mean is, they were never a "family" together, and this child was on a visitation from the beginning. AH really just "babysat" and indulged this child, and undermined my role behind my back for years. I never understood all those years why there was so much awkward tension around the whole situation with this stepson (SS), but it later all came to light.

AH being a randomly unreasonable and irrational person, I would sometimes get one story, and sometimes get another. One day he was ok with something, then the next day he was furious about it. We would have those circular arguments that resulted in nothing. Issues regarding this kid went unresolved for years. We would argue, then drop it, and all was fine...until 2 weeks later when it was time for the visitation again. Basically my role was never really established. I THOUGHT it was, we talked and agreed etc...however, what actually happened was always different.

Alanon was a God-send for me! I figured out I could not control, cause, nor prevent his behavior. All I could do was TRY my best to manage my reactions, and better yet, I could control what I let affect me or my daughters. If AH refused to take my input regarding the parenting of SS, and I did not want my daughters around this blatant disrespecting of me, then I Could (and should) control THAT. I found that things were most harmonious for us and for our family if we just steer clear of the SS as much as possible.

An outsider might say "oh how cruel" and "poor SS didnt deserve to be excluded" but one of the things I learned in Alanon is that I can not control how other people raise their kids, and if AH is unreasonable, my job is to simply do what I can for myself and my kids. Besides, the tension couldnt be good for SS either. He only visited his drunken father EOW anyways, and had his own family with his loser mother with 3 other halfsibs from other guys...it just is what it is! You know? I've come a long way in learning what is out of my control. And I was desperate for peace!

But now...after 2.5 years of an almost normal life, XRAH seems to have flipped a switch, and is harping once again about old issues regarding SS?? He's suddenly claiming that all those things he agreed to? well he was NEVER ok with them, he just HAD to go along with them in order to find the path of least resistance with ME (cuz I"m so difficult you know). He hasnt been to meetings regularly and it shows. Now he's taking MY inventory, and telling me that I'M "sick" (you know, diagnosing me because he is offended that I went to Alanon for a while and "found the cure" - AA'ers dont like that philosophy...you have to go for life like they do). He keeps saying I need professional help, and that he simply cant live with someone as f'd up as me...you know...because I'm uncomfortable being around this 14yo boy I do not even know. His account is that I hate the kid.

Either way....I feel duped. I DIVORCED HIM AND TOOK HIM BACK....I"m sorry, but that is huge?? I refuse to do this back and forth crap with him now that our daughters are school age and would realize it. They ADORE him...and he wants to throw it away because of this visiting kid that he never even wanted? AND he blames ME for it?? He created this mess, and wont own it. This entire last week just WREAKS of the "old days" when arguments sent me into a tailspin and I couldnt seem to make a point to save my life. I just have no idea what to do or where to even start. He's still sober...but he's so dead set on blaming me and making this all about that kid, when I think it surely has to do with something else? I just dont know what? Trying to give himself permission to drink again?? I can hardly believe that, but do you think??

It's just all I can do to not have that age-old reaction of throwing him out, and letting the tension go out the door with him! But if I do that, then I have to mean it...permanently...which means telling my girls their daddy wont be back. So I cant just kick him out. It has to be calmly decided to be THE END or we have to work it out, but he's being so unreasonable??? HELP!

wanting

I think your attitude about your stepson sucks big time. A "visiting child that he never even wanted" is how you described him. Can you not see how awful that is? If anybody spoke this way about my child, they would not be in my life anymore. So, since your post very much danced around the facts, let me get something straight. You don't like the way your husband or his ex parents the stepson, so he's not allowed at your house? So it's your way or the highway, an innocent child be damned, and a relationship between siblings be damned. You seem unwilling to consider that you have any part in this and you point the finger left and right, blaming your husband and his ex. In my opinion, your husband has every right to put his foot down about issues regarding his son. It sounds like he did exactly what he said he did - agreed with you because it was easy, but has since grown a pair and decided to stand up for what's right. And fwiw, I disagree that people go to al-anon and get cured. Personal growth and accountability are a lifetime commitment. Al-anon for 30 years is not a rarity. Additionally, relationships go through rough patches and require compromise and communication and respect. You had 2.5 smooth years, but now there's tension. I'd suggest marriage counseling to deal with the communication issues going on here.

NYC_Chick

First, welcome. Second, wow! I think it is very sad that because you do not agree with ah's parenting skills you want the child out of your lives. This kid did not ask to be born into this. I find it more disturbing that you, as a mother, encourage your husband to abandon his child. What if he got remarried and new wife did this with your children? Jmho, I hope your husband builds a relationship with his son, even if that means you kick him out. It's really your issue. He's stepping up to be a father. Most would consider that a good thing.

Thumper

Are you asking him to choose between his son and you?

Luvmy2girlz

Wow...well by those replies, I can tell that in my effort to be brief, I clearly did not describe the situation correctly if you all are gonna attack me and feel sorry for AH's kid? I thought people HERE might know what it's like to deal with a manipulative alcoholic for years and years, and also what kind of a "non-parent" they tend to be, but maybe not? I thought in this forum, someone might actually understand the position I was in to protect MY kids...but I guess not.

If anything I said was interpreted as AH "stepping up and parenting his child" then that is WAY off! For clarification, AH "chose" to not parent his son well before I came in to the picture. I was the one begging him to act more like a parent, and he would have no part of it -or he would say one thing to my face, then do something else behind my back, creating a "team" of him and his son "against me" as if AH was a child with him! I know how kids who are indulged turn out, but nobody would listen. What would've been best for SS unfortunately was if AH would have just walked away (to be quite honest). As much of a loser as his mother is, at least it wouldve been one stable home where he could eventually feel like he fit in. Rather than sending him off with someone who was more worried about getting wasted or nursing a hangover than parenting his child.

AH and I had so many problems of our own, and we were living separately so much, that these visits just did not include me for years. By the time I had our 2 daughters, my plate was FULL! I went to counseling about the problems regarding SS and my resentment of AH about it, and the counselor pointed out that SS was not my problem to fix. SS's parents did not WANT my help, therefore, I could not keep imposing myself and making myself crazy about it. Let alone the fact that I work full time and had to manage the psyches of MY two babies and myself. Letting that one thing go helped my sanity - dont you people get that?? SS needs his PARENTS, NOT ME. Do you all practice any 12steps which require you to recognize things not in your control?

I also wonder if anyone here has ever been around one of these 14yo kids who were raised with no boundaries? I am NOT saying any of it is his fault, but fault is not in question here. The fact is, he is quite unpleasant to be around, and truly is NOT a good influence on 2 little girls! Teens today are smoking, using, having sex, lying, stealing disrespectful...and this one gets away with it. I could not stop or change how he was being raised so I had no choice but to keep myself and my girls away from him. It's quite sad, I agree.

I encourage AH to go spend MORE time with his son, but since he and the birth mother never had any kind of a co-parenting arrangement (frankly they cant stand each other and rarely speak) they use the child against each other as well. There has never been cooperation for any changes to visits, unless the mother wants it, and they did move away (an hour each way) and AH is responsible for all transporation. Like I said, it's bad. The whole situation is just messed up.

My AH has come a long way in his recovery, however, he remains stuck in some kind of fantasy where it concerns this kid, and hence the main reason for my post. I thought people here might know how guilt plays on even a recovering A, and how they can seem so rational all the time except for in this one scenario? It makes me nervous because he seems to act Exactly how he acted back in the drinking days with the circular arguments etc.

And lastly...I believe I mentioned that we ARE technically divorced. And I wrote our papers. So no, I have no concerns whatsoever about my kids ever being around any stepmother. The visitation he would get (that HE agreed to when we drew up the papers) was 5-8pm twice a week, midweek - no weekends, no overnights, and all holidays are at home with me except for certain hours around each holiday. I have LIVED the type of parent he is to visiting children, and I simply will not allow it with my kids. It is my job to protect them from his lack of ability there, and the fact that I'M the one who decided to marry him and have kids with him is on me...even though I was completely misled as to whom I was actually with and what I was actually getting. I was totally duped.

catlovermi

Is the focus on the right question, here?

The question posed is how to handle the son.

Seems to me the question better addressed is how to handle the "un-marriage/post-marriage" - there's a whole lot of dysfunction described here that is not good for YOUR children.

CLMI

Thumper

I think part of the problem you are having with the responses is that we have a lot of information about relationships etc. but few details so it is hard to get a clear picture of both the situation and of what is being asked. For instance you say he is being unreasonable but you don't say what he is doing that is unreasonable.

Is your question about the risk of relapse after seeing some old behaviors? High risk I would think but I'm no expert.

Is you question about how to handle this never ending 'stuck' place with this one arguement? We don't know the particulars of the argument (his stance versus your stance) so it is hard to know how to respond but the situation seems very complicated - have you ever worked with a marriage counselor? If you want to move forward with the relationship it might be a good idea.

You don't share much about what things have been like since he stopped drinking. He doesn't sound like much of a father when drinking (no shock there) but what about the last couple years sober? Does he parent his children any different as a sober person? If he does then I'd go with that since he is currently sober. It seems wise to always take care of yourself and have a plan B (which it sounds as you do) but I can't imagine it is healthy to always treat the recovering alcoholic like they are still active either.

wanting

I still think your attitude sucks. I think I would be "quite unpleasant" as well if I had to be around someone who looked down their nose at me and my mother. The language you use regarding this child shows your disdain for him. It's really sick and sad, if you ask me.

Izzy7

I think SOME of the people who replied to this poster were unreasonable and mean. She came here for help, not to be told she sucks in her attitude. Geeze, come on, who here has had all the answers or even understands 100% what he ENTIRE story is?

Thats a huge part of posting. You cannot possibly know all shes been through, just as I cant possible grasp all everyone in here as been through. No need to tell her she sucks ladies!

Obviously she wants direction and help. Comments SOME of you made, are not helping her, me or anyone. She did say she was trying to make this child a part of her life, but we all know it takes 2 and her AH was not doing his part....and still isnt. I am with her. I would make sure my own kids were protected no matter what. If the boy needs help and AH wont help him to get it, it is in HIS HANDS...not hers. She cant help that boy if AH is unwilling to partake in the help, as it is HIS SON, not hers.

I am very discouraged by the replies to her post.
if your reading this and still her, LUVMYGIRLS....I will be praying for you. I dont have the answers, but I can pray and ask the God of my understanding to talk to your heart and bless you with knowledge . Blessings to you, your daughters and your step-son. I will pray he also gets the help he needs. I know you are aware, his problems stem from his up-bringing and although he is 14, he cant do what he cant understand. You cant teach, what your not allowed. Blessings girlfriend~Izzy

RollerDerbyGirl

I know I'm not an old regular here or anything, but I must chime in along with the last post, I am disappointed at some of the responses. Yes, we are all entitled to our own opinions, but I don't think we need to judge. Yes, her post was vague in parts and it was hard to get a good idea of what was truly going on, but that doesn't mean we should jump to such grand conclusions. When you first start coming here and people don't know your story, it is hard to really cover it all, and quite exhausting to tell it. I know when I first started posting, I felt like I needed to cover seen years of history with my A, and that's too much for one post, and at one time. If we don't have enough information about someone's situation, ask. It just seems like a lot of us come here really struggling, and seeking some answers/feedback from others that have experienced life with an addict, and I hate to think of those people feeling so harshly judged. Yes, that is probably pretty codie of me to say. I know a lot of what people need to hear might not go over like roses with them and they might be defensive, but there is a fine line between harsh criticism/judgment and constructive criticism/support.

Luvmy2...I think Anvil said it best. Do what it is you need to do to return to a place of peace using the tools of changing the things you can. Of course, it is always easier said than done and figuring out what peace means to us can be a whole other story. But you'll get there. Hang in there, and we're here to listen.

NYC_Chick

In regard to those unhappy with what others have said...take what you like and leave the rest. We may not all agree; however, trying to contol how others respond is wasteed energy.

I stand by what I said and how I said it. All I see in her post is what a hinderance the child is to her life. If her ah wants the child in his life and she does not, it is her issue. No one is forcing her to stay.

Luvmy2girlz

I do appreciate everyone's response, and believe me, it would be dreary and long reading for me to try and cover 12 years of "what happened" so I do disregard the replies that are clearly due to lack of information. I've learned to be pretty thick skinned over the years. I'm trying to explain as briefly as possible to not bore you all to death!

Anyway, I'm glad that a few of you might have some peek into what I've dealt with, and no, the troubled teen boy has NOT been in my life for the last...I'd say 8 or 9 years?? Once the situation started to drive me insane, and I had to accept that the boy's parents (my H and his ex-fling) did not want my input, I could not tolerate the disrespect & tension towards me in my own home and in front of my children. Like I said, he's not some sweet little innocent child as some may picture...he's learned to be quite manipulative and delinquent, which I gladly take no responsibility for. At least I know I tried.

And what's really rich, is now, RAH admits the errors of his ways. He says I was correct way back then, and that his mind was twisted and he handled it wrong...and he is indeed a very loving, authoritative and involved father to our girls (as long as he's sober and as long as the subject of SS doesnt come up - its odd how he blocks that out? and it's odd how differently he parents the girls?). Luckily he straightened up while they were young enough to help make a difference in their upbringing.

Unfortunately with his son, there is significant damage...and after pushing me out for so many years, telling me NOW that he wants ME to help "clean up the mess" and "fix" this child...I"m kinda like???sorry?? I am not willing to throw MY kids under the bus for the off chance that this kid gets fixed? I feel awful saying that, but he's 14...and there is no room for him in our tiny house (seriously...it was all I could afford on my own in a good school district and we ARE cramped!). My daughters change clothes in the tv room and....well....there are just tons of reasons why bringing him to our house wont work, and having him around my girls to "fix" him could take, well...years? And at 14...how much longer will these overnight visits keep going?

Truthfully, my girls have nothing in common with SS (or any teen boy they hardly know), and RAH does need to do things separately with SS anyways. He only sees him EOW, so I think he should really go do things that SS likes to do? But lately, RAH has been pushing and pushing to drag SS to every event of our daughters (both girls are involved in travel sports, girl scouts, choir, etc) and we usually spend much of our time at practices, games, tournaments, outings, playdates, etc. and our daughters even complain about how they are "bored" at each other's events, so I dont see WHY RAH keeps pushing to bring a 14yo boy along?? I dont believe for a minute that he wants to be there. Its just so awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, but RAH lives this fantasy that we are all one big happy family, as though the past never happened now that HE has decided to be sober and clean up his life. None of us are supposed to have any feelings about what's happened to US for the past 10 years, ya know?

I suppose the true point of me posting, or question I had was to see if A) anyone in this forum had ever experienced anything even remotely close to this messed up SS situation, which I see the answer is no. And B) if anyone here had ever seen someone in recovery seem almost fully normal in all aspects except ONE, and if that means they will go off the wagon? I know there are no guarantees...it's just SO strange to me, how he is able to turn it off or on...his common phrase is "worry about that later" and he just "gets over it" like it never happened?? Then some trigger later will bring it all right back up again! Since SS goes home for most of the time, most days for us are just normal. It's hard to leave the life you've wanted for so long when a majority of the time is great, and it's just random outbursts that get ugly, and then go away again. GOD I hate the baggage he has brought upon me to deal with!! Thanks again to everyone (even if you think I suck).

LaTeeDa

I don't think you suck. I do, however, see an ironic parallel in what you are saying to those who say "he's the most wonderful man in the world, except for the drinking."

The thing is, you can't do away with that "one thing" that causes you distress. It's all part of the package. You have a partner in your life who has a son, who seems to be a problem for you. Those are the facts. That is the reality of the situation. You cannot change it. Have you considered counseling? (Either marriage or individual?)

L

theuncertainty

My AH's mode of operation is to use our son as a 'shield' where he's not comfortable. If he's invited to dinner at his sister's, or if he agrees to talk with me about our son's upcoming events, and IF he actually shows up, he brings or tries to bring our son along so we can't talk about any of the grown-up issues at hand. Alternately, during his visits with son, he plans to take him somewhere where son can basically run around with other kids so AH then doesn't have to watch him. So he feels like he should get kudos for taking our son out but is still working hard to avoid the issues and is really not taking responsibility as a parent... maybe a (negligent) babysitter, but not a parent.

Your post hit me differently than it seems to have others on SR. MAJOR trigger alert:

I don't know all the facts about your experiences with your SS, but I do know even pre-teen kids can be incredibly mean and messed up when they've had to deal with their own miserable experiences. When my nieces were little, their mom was living with a BF (now long gone); his 2 young sons would visit for weekends/weeks. One of his sons had suffered sexual abuse at the hands of a relative when he was little. My sister later told me that this boy exhibited inappropriate behaviors that concerned my her, but she made allowances becuase he was young and thought that since he was getting counselling he was OK. When he was 11, that boy molested one of my nieces on several occasions. It was never at night or when there was no one home, it was when every one was safely playing in the next room. It's taken a lot for both my nieces and sister to deal with that and they're still occasionally dealing with the feelings and fall-out even now that the girls are in college.

Do I feel bad that that boy had to go through what he did. Yes. But I would rather that my sister had refused put her girls in a situation where they could be accosted by the boy, or that she had left her BF because of the son's behaviour before it had such a profound impact.

I know you haven't mentioned any type of abuse in connection with your SS. But if you're truly not comfortable with your SS being around your young girls, take steps to protect them.

queenteree

Welcome to SR. Sorry about the replies you have received, but SR people have a very uncanny way of calling someone on their crap so to speak. A few years ago, I can remember really getting upset at some of the replies I recieved here. At one point, I was so upset and angry, I swore I would not be coming back on here. And I didn't, for a while ... but then I realized there was alot of truth in what they were saying, only I didn't want to see it at the time (my own denial). I've been back ever since.

Brief history: I'm married for over 20 years, my husband is very new to recovery (only 6 1/2 mos.), but he was sober for over 15 years straight at one point when we were raising my kids. We are now raising my two granddaughters due to my daughter's addiction. I've always played an active role in my granddaughters lives, having them on weekends, etc. When they first came to me in Sept. of this year on a more permanent basis, they were not at all well behaved (like they usually are for a visit), they hid food in their room, made messes, were disrepectful, etc. I would cry each nite wondering "can I do this????" On top of that, my RAH's drinking was so out of control, he left me, cleared out his IRA (he lost his job 2 years ago), and didn't pay bills for over two months prior. My life was in major turmoil. But I managed, I worked my program, accepted what is and moved on to raise my granddaughters alone. With proper boundaries and love, they are now very well behaved (most times), room is kept clean, homework done, respectful, happy, etc. My RAH was gone a few months, got 3 dwi's in one week, spent time in jail and has been home over 4 mos. now.

My adult children are not my RAH's. He is their stepfather. Their biological father is and always was out of the picture. My RAH never wanted kids, always said he never had "the urge to procreate" lol. Now he is raising my granddaughters with me. He loves those two little girls, and knows they are innocent in all this. And they love him, always did. Is he like "Yay! Just what I wanted to do when I'm 56, raise kids all over again"? Of course not. But we are all they have, and because we are a "family", we are doing it, and it gets easier as time goes on. Anyway, getting back to you post ...

The way I see your post is that you are happy with the "perfect family" you have (you, your RAH, and your two girls). You do not want any outsiders to upset that "perfect" family. Families are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. You claim you went to Alanon and got "cured". I went to Alanon and still go to Alanon, and I am no where near "cured". It's progress, not perfection! You claim you have learned to "let go" of SS. But what you fail to realize is you cannot pick and chose what to "let go" of. In Alanon, you need to believe in letting go and letting God in all aspects, not just ones that suit you. You "let go" of SS, but you still want to maintain control of many other aspects, such as you drawing up the divorce papers, not allowing any visition over night or on weekends, and holidays only with you. While I can agree with that while he is an active A, a recovering A with 2 1/2 years of sobriety probably is quite capable of taking care of his children, and to tell you the truth, he deserves that much. If he wanted to revisit that issue in family court, I am confident the judge would give him a chance. Your SS is your husband's son, whether you like it or not, you are his stepmother, and your daughters are his "sisters" (I personally do not like the term "half sister"). He is part of your family, whether you like it or not. What I do see is resentment because he upsets your idea of your "perfect" family. You are holding onto resentments for the past 10 years, which means you have not gotten "cured" at Alanon and are not working a strong program in my opinion. Your RAH may have this "fantasy that you are all one big perfect family" because maybe, just maybe, being sober for 2 years, working a program, taking a moral inventory and wanting to make living amends, he realizes that his son is his son, and is just as important (whether you like it or not, and I'm sensing you definitely do not like it) as your daughters are to him. It just seems to me that you are a controlling person, and it must be your way or the highway.

Like I said, you probably don't agree, will come up with all rationalizations and justifications, and that's fine. But maybe, just maybe, you should attend some Alanon groups, not pick and chose where to fit it in to your life, but apply it in all aspects of life (it is a spiritual program). I wish you all the best.

naive

hi there-

it seems healthy to me that your husband is trying to integrate his son into his new family and take responsibility for being a father to him after years of alcohol abuse.

i understand that the boy has issues.

it is possible that being part of a loving family that supports each other (i.e. attending events) would assist him. alateen might help too.

i understand that you don't want to expose your two beautiful daughters to a angst-filled teenage boy.

perhaps there is some compromise that could be met with the assistance of a counselor or marriage therapist?

i have some experience here, as my xABF had two children to a mum who was an addict and came to hate him. it caused many difficulties and hardships for me personally, but i found if i thought of the welfare of the GROUP of us and put aside my own grudges, that the way to proceed became clear.

no matter how cramped a house is, there is always room for one more on the floor with some bedding. his visitation is twice a month, if i understand correctly? surely, there is a way to find common ground on this issue between you and your man.

part of an alcoholics recovery is to attempt to make amends and shoulder their duty. it sounds to me that you want your man to split in two. he has a responsibility to his son yet his home is with you and your daughters.

what exactly do you want him to do? can you verbalize that? do you want him to leave his son for his new family? do you want him to only see his son somewhere else?

perhaps some assistance from a third party would help you two to reach a compromise in this regard.

TakingCharge999

Hi Luvmy2girls.

A phrase stood out to me, "if I ask husband to leave I will have to tell my daughters daddy wont be back".

To me it seems you are seeking a "valid enough" excuse to leave again and the SS being an uncontrolled adolescent and being a bad example makes you sound like the good guy.

But I am not a professional psychologist.



You can leave a relation because it resonates appropiate within yourself, no need to explain anything to anyone else.

My mom told me and my sis dad was not coming back when we were 3 and 5 and it was difficult but we got a peaceful home in exchange. 25 years later we are good and it was not the end of the world, as it is we love our dad very much.

I hope you can visit a counselor, they are great in getting a big thing and cutting it into small chewable parts. All the best!

TakingCharge999

Also I believe one cant control other posters of course, but there are SR guidelines that mention Experience, Strength and Hope.

Summerpeach

Some of these posts were unfair and just hurtful.

In fact, I agree with you and understand how this can throw a "wrench" into things.
But I can tell you this from living the same experience, it's not the child your mad at, it's your ex husband.

My take is you seem to have a ton of unresolved issues, resentments and anger with him.
You refer to the woman he had a child with as, "his fling" which shows lingering resentment that maybe he had a child with someone else.
And this may be so, but she is still the child Mom's. He still made a human with her.

You do not have to accept any bad behaviour from this child or your ex. You do not have to accept anyone in your home who you are not comfortable with. And because it's a child, doesn't mean you have to accept anymore than if the person were an adult.
But the bad behaviour of this child is the fault of the parents and not the child.

My suggestion would be to get back into Al Anon and cool it with your ex for now to focus strictly on you. In the meantime, while the child is around, maybe you can show him not everyone is as unfit as his parents seem to be.
But doing this while also taking care of you

good luck

Luvmy2girlz

First, I just have to say how IMPRESSED and THANKFUL I am to get such active feedback!! I really really do appreciate you all taking your time, to share this with me, and really try to understand what I'm going through and posting such thoughtful responses. I've been trying for so many years just to get my XRAH (I never know what to call him!) to just participate and HAVE an opinion! Much less defend it. I would LOVE it if he would actually present his "side" and make his case....I dare him to change my mind, ya know? Just so far...I am always completely open and honest with how I feel, what I think, etc. and all I get from him is that he "disagrees" and cant even explain why or what he thinks a solution or compromise should be. It's really frustrating.

In fact, the most recent issues only came up because over the last 2.5 years, we HAVE had much more insightful conversations, and I was led to believe that we DID express our differences and come to workable solutions - ones that didnt necessarily serve either of us fully. But just last week, he told me "oh, no I just SAID THAT because if I dont agree with you, you'll never let it go, so I just HAD to go along with it to keep the peace and to do the right thing for the girls." So...by being a MARTYR, he believes he's being so selfless, all the while growing resentful towards me for the choice HE made, and now telling me that his unhappiness is my fault...while all this time *I* thought we had this good thing going that we agreed on?? I feel really betrayed actually, and if he's not going to be honest when he makes agreements with me...how can I be held accountable?

Anyways, a few housekeeping points: when I mentioned that I'd gone to Alanon and "got cured" I was really sarcastically quoting XRAH, but you dont know me and I guess you wouldnt have known that's what I meant. No, I dont think I got cured, and I do think Alanon is a lifelong program. I just felt that for me, I got more out of self study and online support than the local meetings, but I fully believe in working the program.

Also, the thing I "let go of" was my obsessing over my role in how SS was going to turn out and how he was being raised. I was constantly undermined and reminded that he's not my kid...as if my future role as a "parent in our home" shouldnt be formed from the get go? One of my degrees is in Psychology, so I have fairly extensive knowledge on the subject. Did you ever find that sometimes the more you know, the worse off you are? For example, my mother is a nurse. So whatever happens, no matter how small, she knows the entire realm of possibilities and that a bump on the head could be a serious concussion! Not saying she always over-reacts, but I'd say she's particularly cautious and thorough in most cases. That's how I am with my kids' minds...I basically "studied" parenting philosophies before I even had kids, and I have pretty strong and informed decisions for why I do everything in that regard.

Someone mentioned the potential types of abuse that CAN happen, and believe me, I am ultra-aware that certain bells cannot be un-rung. You are right...I simply dont trust SS as a 14yo boy, raised the way I know he was raised, and I truly do not know him. Just because he has some blood relation to XRAH does not entitle him to have access to my little girls. One of his half-sibs at home (which by the way, I have no problem with that terminology, since it is correct, but I'll go into that in a minute) who is older than him and is no longer in the home -actually I believe he was removed at about age 15 and sent to juvenile detention - and that kid's father spent time in prison for child molestation, including of that boy before SS was born. But SS sees this boy as his "brother" and lived with him til about age 7 or 8?

XRAH takes issue with this term "half" which I think is just semantics. I think it explains things perfectly? The only grandfather I ever knew was actually my mom's stepfather. She and her bro were from the first husband (who cheated and took off) then the next 5 half-sibs were with the SF. My mom grew up with all those kids, and I call them aunt/uncle/grandpa when addressing them obviously (it Would seem awkward to throw a half in at that point??) but if I were to describe their relation, I would say they are my mom's half-sibs. There was never any negative spin put on it? It just meant they had half the same parents, which made sense since my mom is Irish/English and her SF is straight off the boat from Italy and all her half-sibs are clearly Italian!

I have a very strong sense of family, as my parents are still married, and on both sides of the family, everyone got married and had kids together. There were NO half or step ANYTHINGS?!?! My entire life growing up, that's what I knew...you got married, then had kids. As I got older, there was a divorce here or there, but it was very hush hush and frowned upon.

But in my XRAHs family? There is not ONE family unit that is just the married couple and their kids together...NOT ONE. They ALL have kids with random people, divorces, and every holiday, the group changes based on visitation schedules, and one Xmas there was even an EXTRA 5yo little girl that one cousin just "found out about"!!! I dont mean to sound like I'm so perfect, but here I am teaching my Very Inquisitive daughters about the "right" way to do things, and I sure do have to find creative answers anytime we visit XRAHs side!! Like why does that boy have those big circle earring things in his ears? And why does that 16yo have her hair jet black and provocative tattoos down her pelvic bones (which show in what she wears) and face piercings! Seriously...finding the words that 3-7 year olds would understand...I hate it.

Anyhow, my point is, YES...I do love my perfect little family...me, XRAH, and our 2 daughters. I believe that is mostly due to the fact that THAT is what he "sold" me. That is what we have lived, and what XRAH and I agreed to, that he is now saying he just "put up with it." When we treaded that ground of reconciling after the divorce 2.5 years ago, it was mostly due to the changes I'd seen in him as a sober person. I almost couldnt believe it? It was definitely slow. He was being the "good side" I'd seen in him all along and was my reason for putting up with the "bad"...but he was now like that all the time! I really never even thought that was possible.

During separations, XRAH took all his visitations at his mother's house, partly due to the fact that his parents picked up all the slack all those years while XRAH either didnt have a drivers license, or any money, or anywhere to live, or just didnt feel like being a parent that day...so SS is comfortable there anyways. Or well, comfy enough to steal from his grandma, and take advantage of her hospitality, but whatever...they choose not to dwell on those things. So as part of our reconciliation, XRAH said he wanted SS to be re-integrated into the picture.

I said I understood his points, and was honest about how we dont know him, and I'm extremely on edge when he is around because of how XRAH behaves (hard to explain...kind of defensive? like we are "teams" or like he needs to speak for SS?). I also wanted certain ground rules about boundaries and that we should do this in small doses to try and create some sort of comfort level. Also, I had been stuck playing "single parent" every other weekend cuz he was gone for visits, so that was disruptive to the girls normal routine and I hoped to alleviate that as well. THAT was what I was willing to do. He agreed...said he was excited...but also that we didnt need any "ground rules" and he figures we will all just blend (yah like oil & water!).

So the first visit, we were supposed to take all 3 kids to the zoo for the day. Since visits go from Fri evening to Sunday evening, and it's an hour drive each way to pick up SS (the opposite direction of the zoo), I felt XRAH should arrange to pick him up Sat morning and bring him back Sat night. We talked about it, he thought yes, that made sense. So what happened? XRAH had his MOTHER go get SS on Fri evening, spend the night with her, then XRAH got him from her in the morning (still the opposite direction from the zoo). THEN, the whole time at the zoo, SS walked in random patterns 8-10 feet from us, and at one point had wandered off!!! And XRAH found him because he saw him 15 feet high on this climbing structure thing for little kids?! Umm....yah....XRAH supposedly scolded him quietly before returning by us??? Anytime I tried to make small talk with SS, he would make some snarky remark and I would laugh and blow it off and pretend not to be counting the seconds for this day to end!! And just as we were saying we were ready to call it a day, XRAH says to me - within earshot of SS - "do you think he could spend the night tonight??" OMG...it was all I could do to maintain composure...this is what he does...give an inch and he takes a mile! I just looked at him like HUH?!? We had an arrangement?? WELL! Come to find out, XRAH NEVER CHANGED a THING about the visitation, had it arranged for his mother to keep SS the second night too, and of course SHE was giving him a huge guilt trip about it! He didnt come out and say that, I just know that now.

So I said no, and he proceeded to be mad at ME about it, after what I just endured FOR HIM all day long. The hour+ drive back was so tense I wish I couldve just become invisible or something. My poor girls could tell something was up, but nobody said anything. Then, XRAH comes up with the brilliant idea of stopping to eat (really??) but then gets furious with SS because he said he wasnt hungry. I thought XRAHs reaction was a bit extreme?? but clearly, this is some issue they have from previous with this kid and his picky eating or something, but was told to basically butt out when I asked what the big deal was. So I have no idea.

So what ended up happening with all that was that HE refused to reduce or change the visitations in ANY way (but only if it was for me, because they change/cancel it all the time if XRAH has to work, or SS wants to go to a garage sale, seriously...). XRAH said he cant possibly picturing telling SS "well I COULD see you for longer but I'm just not going to." I suggested we do it EVERY weekend? just no overnights at least for a while......but nope. XRAH said HE WANTS to just leave it at his mother's, because it's been going fine, is good for his mother anyways (XRAH's dad had just died then too), and there is room and stuff for SS to do there, he's comfortable etc. So THAT is what we have done for over TWO YEARS. Come to find out?? Nope...XRAH only "agreed" with that because I wouldnt be reasonable, and he's sick of it now. He also seems to talk to anyone who'll listen and obtains their approval that I am just whacked in the head for even being uncomfortable around this kid.

Ok there - that was ONE pretty good example. Sorry so long...I just really wanted to share that and see what you all think. No, I will not make justifications and my mind is NOT made up...I just want a normal peaceful life! I WISH XRAH would "present his case" and change my mind, but so far, he just wants me to go to counseling cuz he is certain they will "agree with him" and tell me that he's right, I'm wrong, and therefore I figure out a way to suddenly adore his kid or he's justifiably out of here. And you see how long it took just to explain where I'm even coming from to you all?? ugh.