new here, feeling pretty down
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
new here, feeling pretty down
Hi everyone, I came across this site looking for help. My hubby and I have been married 30 years and he has always been a beer drinker but the past 3 years it has really picked up. We live in the country on a farm. Hubbys good friend is neighbor, so he is over there alot now getting drunk after work.
Hubby self employed and provides well. Kids are grown and gone, so now it is just the 2 of us here....well...me...he is gone most the time or at neighbors getting drunk...or here drinking, so I may as well be alone.
We have had so many talks about it, he always agrees he needs to stop or slow down and sometimes he does for a few days, but always goes back to it. He will not go to AA. I thought about going to Alanon, but our community is so small and I fear for privacy issues and his buisness.
I stay busy. I dont work anymore, but have alot to do here around the farm. I do not wait around for him to go to things, but am tired of this life without him in it and have told him as much. I do love him. He is never violent or abusive except his words to me sometimes are hurtful.....like tonight. I decided to sleep in one of the guest rooms tonight because of his snoring and smell ( he is now passed out in bed fully dresses, glasses on).
I dont want a divorce. I know I can't fix him, that he has to WANT to stop drinking and make the effort. I am tired of nagging, so have stopped. I am just tired of feeling so alone in our marriage, and no...I do not want to have an affair. I have thrown away many dinners because he is not here to eat it.
I have been and will continue to pray. Think I just needed to vent a little bit. My biggest fear right now is his health. He has sleep apnea, but will not do anything about it. He and neighbor get so stupid drunk sometimes at other farm that I fear his return home on the quad through the back wooded trails, so I can never fall asleep till I hear him come in for the night.
Anyway, sorry to go on like this. I dont feel I enable him, but maybe I do? I dont clean up after his messes anymore. I do find things I enjoy doing and do them during the week when he is at work...like exercising or bike riding, it is keeping me sane.
He is drunk 4 nights a week at least. Never drives drunk, always stays here at farm or neighbors farm, so thank God for that. Does anyone ever just feel lonely? When he is sober anymore, he is in a bad mood...it's almost as though I wish he would go drink and not come home, geese, whats wrong with me? Sorry for this long vent, but have no-one i can really talk to except neighbors wife...shes as sick of it as I am.
Hubby self employed and provides well. Kids are grown and gone, so now it is just the 2 of us here....well...me...he is gone most the time or at neighbors getting drunk...or here drinking, so I may as well be alone.
We have had so many talks about it, he always agrees he needs to stop or slow down and sometimes he does for a few days, but always goes back to it. He will not go to AA. I thought about going to Alanon, but our community is so small and I fear for privacy issues and his buisness.
I stay busy. I dont work anymore, but have alot to do here around the farm. I do not wait around for him to go to things, but am tired of this life without him in it and have told him as much. I do love him. He is never violent or abusive except his words to me sometimes are hurtful.....like tonight. I decided to sleep in one of the guest rooms tonight because of his snoring and smell ( he is now passed out in bed fully dresses, glasses on).
I dont want a divorce. I know I can't fix him, that he has to WANT to stop drinking and make the effort. I am tired of nagging, so have stopped. I am just tired of feeling so alone in our marriage, and no...I do not want to have an affair. I have thrown away many dinners because he is not here to eat it.
I have been and will continue to pray. Think I just needed to vent a little bit. My biggest fear right now is his health. He has sleep apnea, but will not do anything about it. He and neighbor get so stupid drunk sometimes at other farm that I fear his return home on the quad through the back wooded trails, so I can never fall asleep till I hear him come in for the night.
Anyway, sorry to go on like this. I dont feel I enable him, but maybe I do? I dont clean up after his messes anymore. I do find things I enjoy doing and do them during the week when he is at work...like exercising or bike riding, it is keeping me sane.
He is drunk 4 nights a week at least. Never drives drunk, always stays here at farm or neighbors farm, so thank God for that. Does anyone ever just feel lonely? When he is sober anymore, he is in a bad mood...it's almost as though I wish he would go drink and not come home, geese, whats wrong with me? Sorry for this long vent, but have no-one i can really talk to except neighbors wife...shes as sick of it as I am.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Does anyone ever just feel lonely?
I would say it's pretty safe to say that EVERYONE who is living with an alcoholic not sober, feels lonely.
I thought about going to Alanon, but our community is so small and I fear for privacy issues and his buisness.
If you were to go to Alanon, do you realize that everyone also in that meeting, in your small community, is also living with, or close to, someone who is alcoholic? There is a privacy code of conduct in those meetings.
Some people feel that the spouse attending Alanon actually can help the alcoholic eventually see the truth and decide to do something about it. Not that it's the reason to go, but there are many stories where one spouse started attending, then down the road, sobriety came to the household.
Is there anything we can do for you? We want to help if we can.
I would say it's pretty safe to say that EVERYONE who is living with an alcoholic not sober, feels lonely.
I thought about going to Alanon, but our community is so small and I fear for privacy issues and his buisness.
If you were to go to Alanon, do you realize that everyone also in that meeting, in your small community, is also living with, or close to, someone who is alcoholic? There is a privacy code of conduct in those meetings.
Some people feel that the spouse attending Alanon actually can help the alcoholic eventually see the truth and decide to do something about it. Not that it's the reason to go, but there are many stories where one spouse started attending, then down the road, sobriety came to the household.
Is there anything we can do for you? We want to help if we can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Road to recovery
Posts: 866
You're doing the right thing by reaching out for help. You will get some responses from others that have been in your shoes.
Me, I was in your husbands shoes.
I knew my wife didn't want me to keep drinking but I had to get to the point where I wanted to quit for me.
You can influence him but you can't make him....that's how I see it.
Don't give up.
Me, I was in your husbands shoes.
I knew my wife didn't want me to keep drinking but I had to get to the point where I wanted to quit for me.
You can influence him but you can't make him....that's how I see it.
Don't give up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Thank you for taking time to read my post. I am going to try the Alanon. Should I tell hubby I am going to attend or just go on my own? I need help and just dont know where to start, thats why I came here.I had a terrible nights sleep last night thinking about all of this.
Is there a book out that could help me also? I know AA has a book called the BIG BOOK. Is there a book like that for Alanon I could go buy?
I just dont know where to start or what to do. I feel numb inside and really tired. This is not my normal self...at all. I feel like I am just going around the same ole mountain day after day with him. Well....I am sick of seeing the same hills and am ready to go a different route! Thank you again for sharing and helping me figure out what to do.~Izzy
Is there a book out that could help me also? I know AA has a book called the BIG BOOK. Is there a book like that for Alanon I could go buy?
I just dont know where to start or what to do. I feel numb inside and really tired. This is not my normal self...at all. I feel like I am just going around the same ole mountain day after day with him. Well....I am sick of seeing the same hills and am ready to go a different route! Thank you again for sharing and helping me figure out what to do.~Izzy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi Izzy and wellcome,
it's great you're reaching out. This place has been tremendous help for me.
I suggest you try and read here as much as you can, there are some great stickies at the top, and I aslo I find that from every new thread I read I learnd something new.
Keep posting
we're here for you
it's great you're reaching out. This place has been tremendous help for me.
I suggest you try and read here as much as you can, there are some great stickies at the top, and I aslo I find that from every new thread I read I learnd something new.
Keep posting
we're here for you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Izzy7 
Should I tell hubby I am going to attend or just go on my own?
However if he's properly sober and has the ability to have an actual conversation with me I'll talk to him and tell him what I've been up to just like any normal wife would talk to her husband. It has certainly had the impact of him being sober more often as he does appear to have enough of an interest in the world around him to stick around in it more and more so he doesn't get left behind. But more importantly it's helping me get on with my life without him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Good luck with AlAnon! It REALLy helped me a lot!
Maybe go to the first few meetings without telling hubby what you're up to - and ask around at the meeting for how people handle that issue. It really varies. For some people it is good for their recovery to tell the alcoholic what they are up to, for others it is best that they do not. Depends on your situation.
I found a lot of relief at AlAnon meetings- I hope you do too!
peace-
b
Maybe go to the first few meetings without telling hubby what you're up to - and ask around at the meeting for how people handle that issue. It really varies. For some people it is good for their recovery to tell the alcoholic what they are up to, for others it is best that they do not. Depends on your situation.
I found a lot of relief at AlAnon meetings- I hope you do too!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
I also live on a farm, and its hard to take care of it by yourself. My AH no longer lives with me, but the years of alcohol abuse are still very vivid memories in my mind. I have lived what you are living now, except I have 3 teens that keep me busy. I also have made a life for myself without him, just becasue I had to. It was, and is very lonely. Especially when all my friends seem to have such happy marriages. I almost hate to be around them sometimes, its so painful.
All I can tell you is that it won't get any better. If you are commited to the marriage, you will have to just deal with how he is. He won't change unless he wants to. Your right, you can't make him change. Mine AH left rather than change. He left me, a stay at home , homeschooling mom, no job, with 3 kids. That's how committed to his alcoholism he is. I hope that yours is not that way, but don't fool yourself that he isn't . Go to Alonon. I don't have any meeting where I am, but I have heard so many people say how it helped them. Tell him if you want, but it might cause a fight if you do. Just go. If it's his business how he drinks, then its yours how you deal with it.
Keep praying, it really does work. The power of God cannot be comprehend!! I had a pastor, whose wife prayed for him for ten years, and the Lord did a work in his life. I have never stopped praying for mine, even though we have filed for divorce. I still have faith that he will come around so that he can be a good dad.
Prayer has helped me in so many ways in the last few months. I also have a support system at my church. Are you going? That might be something to help with the loneliness. It's also wonderful to have people praying for you. I covet others prayers.
I will keep you in mine. Keep coming here. It has been a lifeline for me to be able to sit and read that others are there, and know what I am going through. I also like to be able to maybe help someone else. Take care, H
All I can tell you is that it won't get any better. If you are commited to the marriage, you will have to just deal with how he is. He won't change unless he wants to. Your right, you can't make him change. Mine AH left rather than change. He left me, a stay at home , homeschooling mom, no job, with 3 kids. That's how committed to his alcoholism he is. I hope that yours is not that way, but don't fool yourself that he isn't . Go to Alonon. I don't have any meeting where I am, but I have heard so many people say how it helped them. Tell him if you want, but it might cause a fight if you do. Just go. If it's his business how he drinks, then its yours how you deal with it.
Keep praying, it really does work. The power of God cannot be comprehend!! I had a pastor, whose wife prayed for him for ten years, and the Lord did a work in his life. I have never stopped praying for mine, even though we have filed for divorce. I still have faith that he will come around so that he can be a good dad.
Prayer has helped me in so many ways in the last few months. I also have a support system at my church. Are you going? That might be something to help with the loneliness. It's also wonderful to have people praying for you. I covet others prayers.
I will keep you in mine. Keep coming here. It has been a lifeline for me to be able to sit and read that others are there, and know what I am going through. I also like to be able to maybe help someone else. Take care, H
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Izzy7
Does anyone ever just feel lonely? When he is sober anymore, he is in a bad mood...it's almost as though I wish he would go drink and not come home, geese, whats wrong with me? Sorry for this long vent, but have no-one i can really talk to except neighbors wife...shes as sick of it as I am.
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information.
I know what it feels like to feel lonely while married an active alcoholic.
I know that I found understanding, support and hope when I walked into an Alanon meeting and by posting here at SR. Both of these support groups have helped me to begin my own recovery journey.
I understand wanting your sober alcoholic to have another drink! You want to pour them a frosty mug of beer just to get them to relax and chill out. Take the edge off. Only problem with that fantasy is that the alcoholic doesn't stop with one beer. I needed to educate myself about alcoholism and how powerful the addiction is to an alcoholic. There is a link here at SR with excerpts from the book "Under The Influence". I will post the link. The foul mood you are describing from your active A is a form of alcohol withdrawal. His body is craving the quick energy, (carbs, sugar) and calories from alcohol. His body is screaming for a fix, therefore, he is verbally grouchy and on edge. Try giving the alcoholic a cookie. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it is a temporary quick fix to the low blood sugar the alcoholic is experiencing. The low blood sugar is a side effect of alcoholism. It has to do with how the body has been converting alcohol into energy. Here is the link to "Under The Influence":
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Alanon has several books available for purchase. Some are daily readers. The book that describes the basics of Alanon and how it works is titled "How Alanon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics". The Alanon books can be purchased from group meetings at cost or through book stores. Try a google search.
Make yourself at home here by posting and reading as much as needed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Thank you all so much. I am going to read everything I can in here to help me. Found out there are no alonon meetings around us, so will have to make due for now.
I have been so tired today and can hardly focus enough to read or write anymore today, still have chores that have to be done, so I need to get to bed early tonight and get well rested. My plan of attack is to read tomorrow alot of the things you guys have advised. I MAY try to talk to him again tonight..if he is sober. My sleep is real important to me...I am going to let him know I plan on staying in guest room for now so I can sleep at night.
I feel so over whelmed right now. So much about this to learn. I hate this. But am glad this room is here for help and support. I have not discussed my issues w/ my hubby to my church family, mostly due to shame...but I can ask for prayer request without giving much info. I am a strong believer in power of prayer.
hugs and thanks again~Izzy
I have been so tired today and can hardly focus enough to read or write anymore today, still have chores that have to be done, so I need to get to bed early tonight and get well rested. My plan of attack is to read tomorrow alot of the things you guys have advised. I MAY try to talk to him again tonight..if he is sober. My sleep is real important to me...I am going to let him know I plan on staying in guest room for now so I can sleep at night.
I feel so over whelmed right now. So much about this to learn. I hate this. But am glad this room is here for help and support. I have not discussed my issues w/ my hubby to my church family, mostly due to shame...but I can ask for prayer request without giving much info. I am a strong believer in power of prayer.
hugs and thanks again~Izzy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Izzy7
I am going to let him know I plan on staying in guest room for now so I can sleep at night.
I feel so over whelmed right now. So much about this to learn.
I feel so over whelmed right now. So much about this to learn.
You are already beginning to establish some much-needed space from him! Wow, good for you to take care of yourself in this way (both physical and emotional).
Yes, it is quite overwhelming. And if you're like me, you will start to devour information about it. Then that can start to take over your life, and you realize one day that you're still spending too much of your time and energy on the alcoholic.
But,
one step at a time. It's ok, you're ok. You will find balance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Thank you Jadmack, I can always use prayers.
Today I am much better rested. He did not drink last night, he got the wrath of me instead, lol.
Yesterday I was in a foul mood all day due to lack of sleep from his drinking, so I unloaded on him last night at dinner. He came in from work in a good mood and I was steaming mad from his previous nights actions....so I let him have it. I didn't intend to, but I did and I felt better after saying my peace.
I told him I am staying in guest room for now till I can sleep better. Told him I am not cooking dinner anymore since I dont know if or when he will be home, thats theres plenty of food in fridge and help himself as he needs it. Told him I cannot live like this anymore ( it is now affecting my well being) and he needs to choose either he wants to continue on this crazy journey with beer or be with me. If he chooses beer, told him I wont stay and continue to watch him destroy himself....I wont divorce him, but will not stay and live in this house and be the 'maid-help' anymore. AND YES...I will follow through with what I said. I have reached an emotional bottom. Told him I wont stay and watch him kill himself or ruin my life anymore. Then I said, I know everything i just said is going in one ear and out the other ( he said , again, he will stop drinking), I said actions specks louder than words...and I will prove my actions if he won't!
So anyway, last night he was very helpful to me. He stayed home. He helped with evening farm chores, whew and did not drink. I know....only one night, how many times has he done this before. He was not pleased I went to other room to sleep, but said nothing.
Anyway, it is a start for me. I love him dearly, but I can't run this farm alone, nor can I run it at all if I am dead tired from lack of sleep from waiting on him to get home. After 30 years of mostly a very happy marriage and beautiful, happy grown adult kids who are doing great...I told him, this is not the way to finish life and I have no intentions of living with a drunk, so he better decide what is more important to him or he will risk losing all of us if not his very life. He can have and run this damn farm. I love it here, but my life and happiness is useless if I am this stressed each day trying to run it and be as tired as I am. I THINK he got the point this time. Time will tell.
Also told him I am going to start being more pro-active, meaning....not going to keep my worries to myself anymore. No more excuses. He wants privacy about his new founded love, AKA-Beer, then he better find a new way to resolve it. Told him I am not hiding in the stalls anymore. I have done nothing wrong except cover up his blunders...well no more.
I feel free today...for the first time in along time. Step in right direction. ( Sleep helped). I know its not over yet, but I made progress, thanks to this site and all of you.
He is not a 'bad guy'. He was always a beer drinker, only started doing this bad drinking the past 3 years. Before, it was a beer or 2 at a time, once or twice a week. I know largely, his retirement days are coming up soon and he has taken many more days off which is good, but he spends them at neighbors now getting drunk. Thats the problem, I told him. This is not like him at all. So....anyway. 3 years of it is all I can take, I said to him. He has till foaling season is over to get his act together and start showing me if he going to really address this 'issue', or he will be a a REAL busy guy, cause if not, I am outta here and he can deal with with all the new hectic farm chores as about 27 foals are due!!!!
Today I am much better rested. He did not drink last night, he got the wrath of me instead, lol.
Yesterday I was in a foul mood all day due to lack of sleep from his drinking, so I unloaded on him last night at dinner. He came in from work in a good mood and I was steaming mad from his previous nights actions....so I let him have it. I didn't intend to, but I did and I felt better after saying my peace.
I told him I am staying in guest room for now till I can sleep better. Told him I am not cooking dinner anymore since I dont know if or when he will be home, thats theres plenty of food in fridge and help himself as he needs it. Told him I cannot live like this anymore ( it is now affecting my well being) and he needs to choose either he wants to continue on this crazy journey with beer or be with me. If he chooses beer, told him I wont stay and continue to watch him destroy himself....I wont divorce him, but will not stay and live in this house and be the 'maid-help' anymore. AND YES...I will follow through with what I said. I have reached an emotional bottom. Told him I wont stay and watch him kill himself or ruin my life anymore. Then I said, I know everything i just said is going in one ear and out the other ( he said , again, he will stop drinking), I said actions specks louder than words...and I will prove my actions if he won't!
So anyway, last night he was very helpful to me. He stayed home. He helped with evening farm chores, whew and did not drink. I know....only one night, how many times has he done this before. He was not pleased I went to other room to sleep, but said nothing.
Anyway, it is a start for me. I love him dearly, but I can't run this farm alone, nor can I run it at all if I am dead tired from lack of sleep from waiting on him to get home. After 30 years of mostly a very happy marriage and beautiful, happy grown adult kids who are doing great...I told him, this is not the way to finish life and I have no intentions of living with a drunk, so he better decide what is more important to him or he will risk losing all of us if not his very life. He can have and run this damn farm. I love it here, but my life and happiness is useless if I am this stressed each day trying to run it and be as tired as I am. I THINK he got the point this time. Time will tell.
Also told him I am going to start being more pro-active, meaning....not going to keep my worries to myself anymore. No more excuses. He wants privacy about his new founded love, AKA-Beer, then he better find a new way to resolve it. Told him I am not hiding in the stalls anymore. I have done nothing wrong except cover up his blunders...well no more.
I feel free today...for the first time in along time. Step in right direction. ( Sleep helped). I know its not over yet, but I made progress, thanks to this site and all of you.
He is not a 'bad guy'. He was always a beer drinker, only started doing this bad drinking the past 3 years. Before, it was a beer or 2 at a time, once or twice a week. I know largely, his retirement days are coming up soon and he has taken many more days off which is good, but he spends them at neighbors now getting drunk. Thats the problem, I told him. This is not like him at all. So....anyway. 3 years of it is all I can take, I said to him. He has till foaling season is over to get his act together and start showing me if he going to really address this 'issue', or he will be a a REAL busy guy, cause if not, I am outta here and he can deal with with all the new hectic farm chores as about 27 foals are due!!!!
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