Toronto68

I've got another couple of installments to my experiences with the social hassles that come up with newfound sobriety.

I have been taking into consideration the things that AA people have said here and there lately about isolation. I have had a very easy time with not wanting to drink since I quit. I've said at least a dozen times that this is one of the reasons I first wound up in this site ("Why was this so easy, did I really accomplish this; what will happen next?"). And yet I am mostly by myself. Six months of not feeding my addiction (not drinking) are behind me.

Well, one of the things you have to face in reality is that there are people/places/things that involve alcohol and you pick and choose what is best for you according to making the sobriety count like it is top notch. If we have to be around it for work or family events, whatever the case may be, we have to deal with the lack of recognition on the part of others.

Last night, I had a dinner with a friend who needed to be told a third time that I was not going to be drinking. I had been completely out of the closet with her about being an alcoholic and how drinking was out the door. "Oh, well, I just didn't know whether you were drinking at all or not."

Just ten minutes ago, I got off the phone with a completely different friend, who is definitely not an alcoholic. I'd been invited to a home dinner and I asked whether I should bring anything, and whether we were all set as far as my not drinking. I had let this other friend know all about my alcoholism and stopping and it was apparently an utter shock for her to learn of this a few months ago. So this was not like a random parking ticket that slips your mind; this would be comparable to a major piece of news that sticks in the mind. Again: "Oh, you're not drinking at all?"

What exactly is it that is so hard to comprehend about the term alcoholic in the web 2.0 age? When I respond to people who have these pesky confrontations and release my dander, sometimes I mention that getting rid of friends is one of the options to look at. Apparently that needs to apply even to non-influence friends (not just non-alco, but barely drinking and also rather intelligent friends). Maybe I just have to wipe the slate clean so that I don't have to be around any of the remaining people who don't get it because, if I can't make myself clear during a heart-to-heart revelation about never drinking again and qualifying my condition as "same thing as a drug addict" - how much more honest and blunt could you possibly be? - then I am probably not making myself heard for the the kind of ears I need around me. In other words, I am not setting myself up for success in sobriety if I am going to have the same non-constructive, non-health-oriented results as I would do with someone who smelled like a brewery and living in the depths of oblivion.

I admit that a detail such as distinguishing between physical craving and mental obsession is not common knowledge. Same goes for a physical craving existing in an alcoholic who drinks the substance, but not for a non-alcoholic putting it in their system. These are the kind of minutiae I would not have retained. This was news to me. But the idea that someone is an alcoholic and the person actually expresses an understanding that this is with them for life in the manner of a disease, and yet that still merits "Oh, you're not drinking at all, eh?" Come on! How can something like going forward with not drinking be ignored? Why does such idiocy pervade?

This feels like suddenly finding out you are not really that significant to someone at all and your last name might as well be unknown.

I don't know what I can do to make myself clearer (with the truth). What are you supposed to do if you are the only person making sense when you do surround yourself with people instead of giving into isolation tendencies? Count short-term blessings when you don't have to hear things like this? Did other people make a point of adding recovering addicts to their real-life group of friends for this specific reason?

Anna

Well, I don't talk to people about my being an alcoholic.

For me, it's a private thing, and I don't expect others to understand.

When asked if I want something to drink, I say 'Diet Coke, please', and if anything else is said, I don't feel a need to respond.

I have never asked anyone I met if he or she was a recovering addict. When I meet people, I just trust my intuition as to whether or not we click on a deep enough level to become friends.

Mark75

No, your alcoholism (not you) is not at all significant to someone. That's mostly good, don't you think? I'd rather put up with some bonehead sh1t from time to time than be defined by whether I drink or not...

I get it, I really do, but I (try to) let that roll off me like rain.

Mark

Mark75

Duplicate

smacked

I don't make my alcoholism/addiction issues anyone else's business but my own.. I wouldn't want to hear about anyone else's issues either, socially.

I'm just a non-drinker, and no one really seems to care.. I like it that way.

Toronto68

For the people that don't talk about their issues with others, does that mean that people that you used to drink with are now out of your lives, and therefore you don't have to deal with it with more recent people?

It sounds like I am being taken to mean new people that I "met somewhere," when I am talking about small number of people that I am rather close to and am accustomed to exchanging informaton with honestly.

Am I to conclude that there is a camp of people that will say "I am honest about my alcoholism to anyone" and one that will say "I keep the alcoholism to myself (except if I use a support group)"?

I am starting to see added weight to thinking I was stupid to share it with anyone. I had that regretful/empty feeling after I shared it a few weeks ago. It's a little disillusioning to think that you have to wear different faces (and be politically-minded) everywhere you go, when we're also supposed to be so positive about exercising the truth. This is not like asking if you can take a shower with someone, ha ha.

Anna

Telling the truth is important, but that doesn't mean that I need to reveal everything about myself. Personally, I have found that there is a lot of prejudice and misinformation about alcoholics and it's not in my favour to share that information about myself with other people.

Learning about what information I want to share with others has been something that has come to me in recovery.

If you are talking to people who are close to you and that you are used to being open with, I have to wonder why they are challenging your sobriety?

Toronto68

That's why I said the other day that the world is not full of Mother Theresas passing out job opportunities; that there is a reason for being guarded.

On the second point, that is what is so perplexing to me and causing me to vent. This isn't a case of me quitting and picking up multiple times (a Cry Wolf thing). The pickings are getting really slim.

For Mark, I suppose it is a blessing to see that I am not being defined as an alcoholic, like that is all someone can say about me.

Kerbcrawler

Quote Anna, there is a lot of predjudice and misinformation about alcoholics.. you said it
ive mentioned before about the care of children..whilst being alcoholic..best kept a private matter..as there are certain authoritys that may be over zealous and misunderstood about this whole alcohol issue...i think you will find there are many parents alcoholics of children..that keep these things a very private matter...sadly as a result of these stigmas never seek outside help...which is were the wonderful world of S,R Comes into play..and offers a way of help and support..whilst protecting your annonymity...like many i dont make a big deal outside of here..to my alcoholism..as the less i find ppl, around about know the better..incidentally its sat night and im 27 days sober,sipping tea,watchin the champions league final..content..happy..hehe..

Mark75

You will find your way as is appropriate for your situation. I still have the same friends I did... I was always the one who drank more than everyone else... Now I just have coffee or a sprite zero and I only socialize with them when the purpose is something other than drinking... I have passed on more than one invite because I knee that it was to be all about the drinking.

This will all make sense at the right time for you. Listen to your heart and your higher power.

Archives28

I am on my 4th day sober and I have to say I agree with Anna and Smacked, for myself anyways. I live far away from family and friends so my battle with alcohol and now my working to stay sober has all been done in seclusion. Part of me wants to pick up the phone and tell everyone in Oregon (I'm in AZ) about my alcoholism/sobriety, but then I wonder why?

Toronto68

Well, I think I'm done with this topic for now. I'll confront the next dinner (or whatever the context is), and if I don't like it, then I'll just cut my losses and move on. If I even have to talk about this, the message wasn't that meaningful and there would likely be more cases where something I cared about did not count.

wichitalineman

Hey Toronto,

That can be a tough situation, to be sure. For myself, I've so far only run into a few people who have had a hard time 'getting a clue'. Mostly friends in the musician circles I hang out with (for what it's worth, not sayin' anything about musicians!). I've had to say 'no thanks' a few times an evening a few times. It can be really irritating, but that's the most it can ever mean to me because these get togethers outside of actually playing music are always nice and fun, but that's not what I am into the music for. (These get togethers are usually sitting in a park somewhere, something casual, no bars). It can be an irritant to be offered _yet another_ ice cold Kronenbourg in the can, but maybe it's just my higher power's way to see if I am thinking of cheating on it (Cherry Coke, never my love!). I guess I am saying I try hard to not let it bug me, even when it could easily do so.

These are more of my peripheral friends, and not my hard core, inner circle friends, for whatever that's worth. My hard core, inner circle friends will be seeing my sobriety 6 months on when I see them all this summer. I have only revealed my new sobriety to a very select handful of my old school friendships, preferring to tell them all in person (I am 'on the road' at the moment, so to speak).

Just as a personal aside, in terms of getting someone to hear what I am saying, I have found that the words 'perfectly clear' almost always work for me. I drop that into the conversation to emphasize the point I am making. I picked this phrase up from an old manager who I really did not like in any way. Despite my lack of optimism about this particular person, they could really get a point across, and in a hurry. One of their key phrases was 'let me be Perfectly Clear, let me remove All Ambiguity...'. Etc etc.

I realize this may not be a silver bullet, or even be helpful in any way. I just found that when I preface a serious conversation, topic, or point, using the words 'let me be _perfectly clear_' in a serious tone usually gets people a'listening. Your mileage may vary. End of the personal aside.

To respond to your questions, I think I'd go with what you proposed in your original post with just humoring your friends for now while they are still adjusting to your change. They'll eventually catch on and remember. If it gets truly out of hand, you can always hang out with other, sober folks. I am sure none of your friends _intend_ to cause you offense. Even when confronted with the honest truth, it still sometimes takes us a few times to 'get' something. Lord knows, I took me way too many drunk dials, for example, to realize that, yes, alcohol is bad for me. Just sayin'. (ha!)

I haven't taken the opportunity to make many new sober friends since I've quit drinking. I think I'll be looking into that when my adventure ends and I wind up back at home. Most likely, that will be the case.

Good luck with your friends, in any case. I am sure they'll come around! Just advertise the amazing, new and improved sober you and they won't even have the ability to _think_ to offer you a drink, besides Sprite Zero. Or if they really like you, Cherry Coca Cola.

NewBeginning010

Yeah, I have & still am running into similar situations Toronto. It amazes me how people don't seem to "get it" then again we have to remember that this is "our thing" if that makes sense.

Us telling friends/people that we have quit drinking doesn't really mean much in their regular day to day life. They usually think this is you taking a week or two off of the drink because you had a rough night out or something.

For the ones that continually ask you to go out well... they don't "get it" either. I mean... people wouldn't be asking you if you want a doughnut if they knew you had diabetes but are perfectly happy to ask you if you would like a drink (alcohol).

There are some that I know also like to have more than a few drinks that seemed threatened by my sobriety for some reason, I am sure it is not comfortable for other problem drinkers/possible alcoholics to hear that a former binge buddy is no longer drinking. Coming to the realization that they may have a problem is something most want to avoid.

I had a good friend ask me to go out for some kind of old school arcade night two nights ago. When I reminded her that I don't drink & asked if it was in a bar I was told that it wasn't about drinking... I get that but I don't want to be in bars anymore. Just like I am sure going to a club that only serves sweets, deserts and sweet sugary drinks wouldn't be much fun for a diabetic.

End of the day it is our new way of life that we need to stick to and continue to remind friends & family members that we are no longer drinking.

Sometimes we also tend to make it way too complicated as mentioned by some earlier. We cant do anything about how others perceive & react to our problem(s), we only have control over what we do and how we respond/react to others.

Unfortunately we can only truly rely on ourselves to do the right thing most of the time when it comes to our alcoholism.

Thanks for the post & getting me to think about this topic again.

Take Care,

NB

smacked

Just to add, per your follow up question.. Most of the 'friends' I had, that I drank with were merely drinking buddies. It took a few months for me to figure that out, but once they knew I wasn't drinking (I really just told them I was done drinking.. nothing further), the invites stopped coming, and the calls/emails stopped coming as well and haven't spoken with them for a really long time. I had to change so much in my life that most of my so called friends had to go by the wayside too.. I guess I was fortunate that my drinking buddies weren't really friends, and my real friends had honestly no idea that I drank, or that I drank too much so they didn't notice me 'quitting' as we never really did or now do anything that has anything related to alcohol.

smacked

Just a thought I wanted to add, its not up to anyone else to 'get' my alcoholism, its my deal, a very personal journey that I burdon no one else with even teying to understand. Honestly people don't care about my drinking or not drinking enough to even notice. Whan I'm asked if id like a beer or margarita at my local mexican restaurant I don't think twice about saying "no thanks, ill have a Sprite", same with my friends..its just not a big deal I guess.

PS Toronto..is that Michael Jackson on your avatar? I keep wondering that..lol

zbear23

As a self centered alcoholic, I always thought that my opinions, thoughts, feelings and preferences should "count," that others should be considerate of them. But, as a RECOVERED self-centered alcoholic,, I realize that I seldom offered this same understanding and consideration to others. I still wanted everything to be my way and it took quite a while to develop the tolerance to understand that if you present a problem for me....it is MY problem, not yours. And further.....wisdom was for me to "mind my own business," and not condemn others.

I get such a kick out of newly sober alcoholics (and I include my memories of myself) as we expect others to not only respect our sobriety, but to applaud it. I began managing my life more reasonably, doing stuff that normal people routinely did (like keeping commitments, paying bills, practicing integrity).....and expecting praise for it. It was all about my pride, my ego. Didn't they understand how hard this was for me? Oh, poor me.....no one understood me (other than other alcoholics). Hell, my MOTHER offered me a beer when I was three years sober.....all I could do was smile and gently say, "no thanks."

The basic text of AA stipulates that so long as I have a legitimate reason to be in the presence of alcohol, I really need to be able to do that. Avoidance is no solution. I don't hang out in bars, but have no problem meeting for dinner at a restaurant that serves alcohol, nor with companions drinking in front of me. And if offered, I usually just decline. I may go so far as saying, "no thanks, I don't drink." The only people who think abstinence is unusual are mostly problem drinkers and drunks. It took me a while to realize that mainly what I had in common with my drinking companions, was the drinking. As there was little else to hold us together, they mostly drifted off after a while.

And I also do not strut my status as a recovered alcoholic. Nor would I persist in emphasizing that I am vegetarian. If invited to dinner I might inquire as to whether my diet could be accommodated, but I wouldn't expect anyone to take issue with my dietary choices.....and those who seem uncomfortable with my not drinking may well have a problem themselves.

Push comes to shove, and someone persists in trying to get me to drink, I have on occasion said that "I cannot drink because I'm an alcoholic.....and maybe you are as well?" Usually, such folks make a quick exit and never 'try" me again.

I've also found some truth in the statement that expectations (of others) are premeditated resentments.

blessings
zenbear

flutter

Telling someone that I'm an alcoholic doesn't not necessarily say "I don't drink"..

Telling people I don't drink alcohol usually answers any questions about my drink preference just fine.

flutter

Exactly!!!

mikefreak

I think about that all of the time-how I could have gotten rid of a lot of baggage people in my life if I had just told them I didn't drink or smoke weed. The genius of simplicy!! (sic). Drugs & booze where the only thing those people & I had in common. spilled milk, I suppose.......... Guess folks like us ALL go through something like that.