krizlo

hey all. my husband is a drug addict and has been on something since he was 9 years old (he is 28, almost 29 now). he has overdosed multiple times, and since we have been married (around 4 months), he has been in icu and recently got to spend his first night in jail (dui, possession of a controlled substance, no insurance, etc). after the incident with the icu, he pleaded and begged me to stay with him and he started seeing a therapist. it obviously didn't work, because he went to jail a few days ago. he has this thing for narcotics, and he was caught with xanax. both were in his system. the day after he got out of jail, we went to his therapist and had him sent to a psychiatric ward, and that was because the closest rehab center was full. on top of all this, he has supposedly been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder and has the worst mood swings i've ever seen.

the thing is, we have a baby on the way, plus i have 2 kids from a previous relationship. he also has children with other people. i knew he had problems when we got together, but i didn't think it would turn out this way. we will lose our home (my dad is the house owner) if his arrest record gets out, and he has totally destroyed my trust because he was supposedly "clean" when he got arrested. i don't know if we should separate for awhile, or what. i don't know what sort of sentencing he's going to get for this last stunt and i am worried to death. what should i do?

this was also posted in the substance abuse forum. i'll try to delete that post.

Chino

Work the program you wish he would. Run, don't walk, to the closest Alanon or Naranon meeting you can find. Buy or go to the library and read Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Protect yourself and your children.

You cannot control your husband's addiction, cannot cure it, and you didn't cause it.

Will your dad kick you out too?

krizlo

no, i don't think he would kick me out.. just him.. sadly enough, he is my only source of income right now. i don't have anyone to care for the children anymore while i work, and nobody wants to hire someone who is visibly pregnant around here anyway. i want to try separation when he gets out of the psych ward, i don't know for how long, or even if it is a good idea. i just don't know what's going to happen with his court charges and whatnot. this is so hard, i've never had to deal with this before.

Callie

I would find another alternative for income other than this man. No amount of $ is worth the sanity of yourself or your kids. I also agree with Chino - find a meeting.

I'm sorry you are here, I know this is hard, but there is a way out, there is a better solution. SR is a great place, I hope you'll keep posting.

krizlo

thank you for the kind words. the thought of leaving him is easier said than done. i am in love with this man, and he is a great person. he is good to me and my children, he treats them like they are his own. he has never done anything to hurt them. he has never been abusive to me, and i know abuse quite well due to past relationships. i spoke to him on the phone earlier and he keeps promising things will be better, but i had to keep telling him that he has said all this before and he has destroyed my trust. he asks why he is in the psych ward trying to get help if we aren't going to be together, so i (again) asked if he wanted to get better. he says he does. blah, i don't know. i hate being this confused.

Callie

the thought of leaving him is easier said than done. i am in love with this man, and he is a great person.

We're all here because most of us feel this way. Maybe click on my name and read my initial posts when I first came here? I know it's confusing, but keep posting, keep sorting things etc. My Xah was/is the greatest WHEN he's clean. When he's not it's just empty promises, broken promises, lies, manipulation, words of love, words of praise to me. None of it is real though. With addiction, NONE of his words are REAL.

When I first came here I thought most people on SR just didn't understand my situation. "my addict" was not like the other addict/junkies out there. Turns out I was wrong. Welcome - the only thing that I can say is read, read, read. Go to a meeting if you can, read the stickies etc. When I first came here like 2 years ago I was he(( bent on fixing him and I wouldn't accept anything less. Didn't happen @ all the way I thought it would.

krizlo

i am becoming more and more inspired by what i am reading.. i have some hope left. it's going to be hard of course..

i hadn't realized that there was more to becoming clean than just quitting. i don't think my husband understands that either. i think i should write him a letter and take it to him when i visit him in the psych ward and ask him not to read it until i leave. is this a good choice? maybe outlining the things i expect for him to do if he wants to save our (short) marriage before it gets out of hand?

krizlo

the only thing i wonder about is if i go with trial separation, how long should i try for? at what point should i allow him to come back?

SisOfAnAddict

Krizlo, there is no time frame for separation. You do it until you feel comfortable allowing him back into your life as your husband.

His recovery shouldn't be for you or the kids. He needs to do it for himself. You weren't enough of a reason to stay clean before and you won't be enough of a reason when he gets out. Him asking you why he's even there if there's a chance you'll split should be a red flag to you.

I think the letter idea is great. Make a copy for yourself too so you don't forget the boundaries you set. Having it in black and white is hard to argue with. The hard part is following it. Both you and him!

krizlo

i've told him this repeatedly. tonight he told me he wants to get better, and he told me tonight that jail opened his eyes. i really want to believe this, but i told him that i just cannot trust him at this point. i told him that if we spent some time living apart, then he could have something to work for - getting better in a more positive environment, and work towards our marriage and regaining my trust as his wife. i just hope he isn't saying he wants to get better just because it's something i want to hear.

he seems to understand everything i told him tonight. i was much stronger than i was earlier today and i didn't hold back as much as i have been.

they're not letting him out until he is adjusted to his medication which is gonna be probably 2 weeks. i just hope that he is able to reschedule his court date.

coffeedrinker

if you feel you have been inspired at all, that's so great - STICK AROUND!

s/r has literally changed my life. the last time i had a talk with the addict in my life (also has a "thing for" narcotics- it's a beast) i told him this:

"i tried to lay everything out for you. i tried to figure it all out for you. i tried to tell you what to do, to get better. when i did that, i was wrong, so wrong. it is not my right, and it is not my job. it is my job to figure out what i need to do. and i was getting sick; i am sick, too. and what i need to do, is be in community with others like myself, who encourage and support and help one another."

when i said that, i wanted to run home to my friends on s/r.

krizlo

it's good to have people that you can run home to!