Just Breathe1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am new to this, and this is my first post, so if I screw anything up I apologize. I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for the past 6 years, and we recently split up. I have a 12 year old son whose biological father is not involved, and my ex was his father in every way.Our 6 year relationship was very tumultous, due to his disease, but very full of love too.Over the past year or so his disease has progressed rather rapidly. He tried to quit on his own, and was successful for a couple of months, but inevitably he started drinking again. After many broken promises, and far too much drama I finally had had enough, and I told him that he either had to move out or get help, and he moved out. It wasn't that simple of course, I had to eventually change the locks to get him to actually leave. He left but kept his key and just kept coming back. I changed the locks about 2 months ago, and he is still drinking. As a matter of fact his drinking has done nothing but gotten worse since he left. Before he moved out he admitted to having a problem, and said he wanted to get help. Now, he is drinking all day everyday, and just blames the demise of our relationship on me.

The thing is I really did believe that if I made it clear to him that we couldn't be together unless he got help, that he would get help. I know that he can not control his drinking, as I have seen him really try with all his heart, but I feel like he can control whether or not he gets help for the drinking. I am having a really hard time accepting the fact that he would rather be without his family and drink then to be with us and get help. He always said we were his everything and that he would do anything he had to do to make our relationship work. Now, however, it is clear that that is not the case.

Since he left he has tried to manipulate me into just accepting his drinking so we can be together. There is no way that can ever happen. I still desperately want to be with him, well the old him, but I will not do it while he is drinking. It just causes far too much hurt and negative consequences.

I am curious if there is any hope that the reality of losing our life, that I know he loved, will be enough to force him to see what he is doing to himself and that he needs to get help, or if I should give up hope as I am just being naive. Please be honest with me, but go easy, as this is all very new to me, and I am in a pretty fragile emotional state right now. Thanks.

catlovermi

The truth is, there's no way to know. You just have to watch, and see what he DOES.

Let him build a track record, of things he DOES, to answer this question.

Welcome to SR! It's a good place to be, for lots of support. Weekends can be a little slow, so don't get discouraged if there isn't much activity for a few days.

In the meantime, there's lots of great information in the "sticky" posts at the top of the topics page.



CLMI

naive

hi tfager-

and welcome.

the only person that you can change is yourself. try taking all that energy that you gave to managing his drinking and use it to move forward yourself.

alcoholics have to hit their bottom. perhaps losing his family is his bottom. perhaps it is not.

try to accept that there is not one single thing you can do to help an alcoholic who does not want help.

and put the focus back on your life, your goals, your future.

naive

sesh

For me the hardest thing to accept was that my AH unwillingness to stop drinking and seek help wasn't personal. It wasn't about his love for our kids and me or the lack of it, it was only about his desease and him. I believe now I've came to terms with things as they are: my AH is still drinking and not getting help as he thinks he can't do it. And aslo I know he can't admit it to me, it's much easier to play manipulation games, lie, act hurt or whatever. So it's not about what he wants or doesn't want, but mostly what he feels he can or can not do. There is no way I can know whether he'll ever be able to stop and get help and recover. But there is one thing I do know, and that is there is nothing I can do about it (and believe me I tried everything). That was equaly hard to accept.
It took me 7 years to realize this. To finally realize it's out of my hands and I have no control over it. Than I could only choose to either stay and hope for the best or leave and still hope for the best for the both of us on our separate paths. As I couldn't bear watching him destroy himself any longer I decided for the second option. I have to say I tried that second option few times before but could never stick to it, as I always hopped by leaving him I'll make him understand he needs help, and provoke him to fight for our marriage and our family. His desease was always stronger, and I took it personally, which somehow in my twisted mind made me fight for it even more.
Only when I trully realized and trully accepted those two things (it wasn't personal, it's only about him and his desease, and I can't do anything about it) I found peace in my decison to finish it. Only than it started to make sense I start doing what's best for our kids and me.
And it's hard, really hard, but somehow after such a long time it feels everything is fallen back into its right place. I guess that comes from the fact that while living with an active A nothing makes sense any more, and now things are finally starting to make sense for me. And that feels like a greatest gift.

I hope this helps
Wish you well

Trying2Fly

It sounds like you might have your answer.


Welcome to this forum; we hope you stick around, and post and share. We will not judge you--and boy can we ever relate to everything you are going through. I so relate to your desire to have the "old him" back. I feel that way every single day about my sister. I'm slowly coming to the realization that I will not have her back until she is willing to change and stick with that change--until it comes from within her. For now I'm learning to detach and separate to take care of me.

Maybe it's time that you started to look into taking care of you?

Wishing you good thoughts and hugs.

hopeful4

The above post it correct, there is no way to know. My husband may go to jail, had to go to rehab and nearly lost his family. I dont even know if that has been his bottom. They have to decide, and most of the time they dont know either. Come on, we will work on OURSELVES together and let them worry about them.

Last night I heard this amazing testimony for a former alcoholic. He said a motivational speaker once told him 85% of what we worry about will never transpire. That really struck a chord with me. I cannot waste my entire life worrying which changes nothing. I am going to work on getting myself where I need to be. If my husband does the same, great. If not, he is not going to be the one for me. Only time will tell.

God Bless you! Keep coming back. It will help so much.

Pelican

Welcome!


Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself.

I struggled with these 3 statements, but when I finally wrapped my head around them - I was able to begin my recovery. The 3 C's of addiction are:

I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it

As long as I tied my serenity to my A's addiction, I struggled for peace.

I spent so much of my time and energy trying to save my alcoholic, I didn't have much time or energy left for myself and my children. I needed to let go of the alcoholic and give him to my HP. I needed to stop focusing on the A and start focusing on myself and my needs.

It is a process and it can be painful. I have found that I am worth the effort!

We are here to support you!