spedteach

Hi everyone,
I'm in a situation that I am not so sure how to deal or react ...my ah has again fallen off the wagon...while I've done a great job and living life and not reacting, I have a new twist to things and am not so sure what to do..this hasn't happened to me.
I am having a party at my house tomorrow night (tastefully simple party for women only) and this has been planned for 3+ weeks now. My ah has known that he needs to take our son and split for the night to his cousins house. 2 weeks ago, he went bar hopping with a couple of work friends and he owes them money. I told him that I knew he'd find a way to pay them back the money...well, last night, our son tells him, daddy, I'm excited that Friday night you and I are going to Eriks house and my ah says "um..no we aren't. Daddy has plans with his friends at work" Okay, I looked at him, did not make this into the drinking that has me upset...I said to him "You've known for over 3 weeks that I have plans this Friday night and that you are needed to make sure our son is looked after. I need you to change your plans." he said "I told you 2 weeks ago, I have to take these guys out to repay them for paying for me the night we went out"...Well, we also discussed 2 weeks ago that money wise, the next couple of weeks, we just don't have an extra $100+ for him to go blow at a bar..he should have thought about that...although I didnt' go there as my issue is his not being considerate enough of MY plans. So, I know him and I'm pretty sure that he'll do what he wants to do anyhow...he'll go out after work and leave me high and dry. He's said in the past that it's easier to go do what he wants to and deal with me upset the next day...so, anyone have any suggestions on how to react to this? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here that he'll make the right choice and spend time with his son and be there for the evening so I can do my thing that has been planned, but that old feeling in my gut tells me otherwise..so I feel the need to have a plan (okay, not living in the moment, not taking it day by day I know..but this isn't about drinking, it's about being considerate!!!)

I really want to handle this well so I don't become a screaming babbling idiot who has only upset themselves anyhow!!!

Any ideas/suggestions as to how others have handled similar situations will be appreciated!

Sped teach

kitkat

Wow! I can really appreciate how you are feeling.

The main fact I've gathered here is - you definitely can't count on him to be there for you or your son on Friday. And there isn't anything you can do to make him do it (would definitely be a control issue).

Therefore - how about having something arranged with a neighbor or friend or maybe even a babysitter? Let them know it is tentative, but that you need to have some kind of a back up just in case your husband can't change his plans.

I don't know if that will work for you, but at least you won't be left in a bad situation.

Let us know how things work out. Keep your head up!!
Kitkat

spedteach

Kitkat,
I guess in a way this is a control issue, however, I feel that it's a normal considerate thing for a parent to do...it's not like I do things all the time that require him to be there for our son. This to me, is more of an accountablity issue..I'm NOT trying to control him...he can do what he wants, however, he already had an arrangement to watch his son...or rather, spend time with his son, but now he wants to go party harty so he feels its okay to go ahead and do what he wants to...I'm sorry, he would NOT do this to his golf buddies if they had a tee time..he would be there at the correct time (even if he had been out drinking the night before until wee hours of the morning) but yet it's acceptable in his mind to blow off his responsibility to his wife and son! I'm looking more at how I can approach him AFTER to express that he made a COMMITMENT to HIS SON and that HIS SON has been looking forward to it and he let me down also.
Thanks!
Sped teach

EmotionalMeg

Hi Spedteach,
What I've learned from situations like this, is to never give them the responsibility - or at least never EXPECT them to follow through. It seems so cold, but you have to look out for yourself and your son... if you don't have expectations of them, you won't get dissapointed when they aren't followed through.

Having said this of course... you are in a situation where you've already been let down; and continuing the fight with your AH will only make you and him more upset.
My best suggestion is just like Kit Kat said, start looking for alternative sitters; resolve the dilemma on your own, so that no matter what your AH does on Friday, you won't be waiting on him and you won't be let down.

I know the feeling however... he is their Dad and your husband, and you would hope that he could contribute his equal share. Remember that he is "sick"... this is not your average relationship in that sense. And there is no shame in taking care of things on your own.

Hope this helps, and good luck
Meg

smoke gets in my eyes

1)Find someone else to take care of your son for the evening. Make special plans for just the two of you for next week and keep them.

2)Tell me how to find your husband. I'm already yelling and screaming and there's no sense in both of us getting all worked up.

spedteach

Thanks guys..it does make sense and it does help. I have already started to put those plans in motion...I will speak to a close friend (the guy whose house they are supposed to go to anyhow) and see if he can go over there for awhile.
Smoke~if I thought it'd make a difference, I'd tell you...however, we both know it won't help So, I'll wait until he goes to sleep and get even..pretty hair style, make up on, nails done...okay, so that's not my style either, but the very thought is wonderful....I'll figure out how to give myself a laugh on Saturday morning!

Sped teach

Daffodil

HELLO, I BELIEVE WE ARE DEALING WITH THE ACTIVE FAMILY DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM HERE.

When I have expectations "normal or considerate" can't come into the picture BECAUSE the disease will win....always will one way or another....

Expectations on my part are premediated resentments! Today I know the disease marches on...there fore I must always have a plan where children are concerned....

YES, your husband made a commitment BUT it was to his son and you, it's been my experience "family" lose to ANY activity where drinking is involved...unforunatly it is his promise and he will have to live with the guilt.

Fair? NO, but who said anything about being fair....

I would refer you to page 187 July 5 of the
One Day at a Time book.....especially the Today's Reminder...at the bottom of the page
If you don't have the ODAT just let me know and I'll send it along.

Hope that helps...

kitkat

Exactly what Meg said spedtech!

I'm not saying you are controlling him, but he may take it that way. After all - this is not a normal relationship and he won't act like a normal husband or father should act.

I think you'll find less frustration for yourself if you set it up with someone else, but by all means let him know that he is letting his son down and you down after making a promise already. Just don't let it escalate and lose your serenity while you talk to him.

Take care and let us know how it goes!
Kitkat

kate01

Spedteach,

I agree with the above. After making sure your son is taken care of for tomorrow, I hope you thoroughly enjoy yourself tomorrow night!

It's good to remember that the A can't be counted on. If you don't set yourself relying on him, he won't be able to fail you. Taking away your reliance on him for these things is the best message you can send. It tells him that his family will make arrangements without him because he cannot be counted on.

All the best,
Kate

jessieandme2003

First, I suggest you not let your son believe he has plans with his dad if there is a chance his dad will back out. That is so painful to a child. I know it may seem like that is letting his Dad off easy, but in the long run it is the mental health of your son that comes first. If Dad is incapable of putting son first, accept that and never let your son be exposed to it. My heart breaks at the words of your boy saying he is excited about something just to have his Dad act like it doesn't matter at all.

But his dad's heart doesn't break, and you can't change that. I doubt any words will suddenly make him 'see' and begin to put you both first.

No, his behavior is not acceptable. If his behavior seems selfish and inconsiderate to you, that's because it is. And he knows it. But he doesn't see any unacceptable consequences to it, so he is going to do it. Apparently your pain and that of his son is not an unacceptable consequence to him. Missing his night out is, it seems.

So, you have to just accept it. Right? That is what burns.

Well, you can't change him. You can't control his actions. You can't suddenly make him 'see' how wrong he is.

You have only yourself and your actions to control. I would suggest you move forward in a way that allows you and your son to only depend on that.

Sorry if this seems harsh. But in my book kids come first.

myles1

Spedtech,
You said a couple of times in your first share that this isn't a drinking issue it's a consideration issue. Well it is a drinking issue because while your ah is in the throes of his disease, alcoholism, that is all that is driving him. While that is driving him everything else goes out the window. His son, consideration for anyone,responsibilities, forget it not in reality.

Best have a back-up plan like a sitter to fal back on. It's unfortunate but the reality of these situations is we have to ALWAYS look out for ourselves when they are active.

Ngaire

matters

Hi spedteach,


If your husband didn't have a drinking problem than there would be NO problem with who was going to watch your son. I have lost count of how many times I had plans when the children were younger and my AH messed everything up!! We can't control it or them. Go ahead and have a great time and with alternate plans of who will watch your son and be responsible about it your mind will rest easy and all will go nicely!

Take care and best of luck,
matters

Nikntyzmom

Hi Spedteacher,

For what it's worth, my A also uses the excuse of "well i might as well do what i want, since you will just be mad at me anyway." Oh man, I get so tired of it....so I know how this feels. Another great one is he will tell me he will watch the kids, and usually this is while i am at work, I don't even go out, but then he will tell me he is going to this certain friends house who is a big time drug addict. He knows I do not want the kids hanging out over there, and he knows I will say never mind and find someone else. He counts on it in fact. I think it's just a game they play so they can say well i told you i would take care of the kids. Its crazy.
I would say also to just make other plans and carry them out. Don't even say anything about it to the AH. Just know you can't count on him or depend on him. I know it's hard, you feel like he should take responsibility for your son like you do, but it most likely won't happen as long as their is alcohol being served somewhere in town. At least that is how it is here.
Good Luck to you....

Nikntyzmom

Oh by the way....

Smoke, as long as you are looking for people to yell and scream at, I will make you a list....lol

countrygirl

Personally, he would not be my first choice for a caretaker anyway. Would you hire a babysitter that gets drunk a lot but just hope the night your child is with him is one of his sober times? If he shows up? He has already done a lot of things you probably thought he would never do. You don't have to even make a point of it, just make other arrangements. This is who he is right now. Maybe it will change. Maybe it won't. I wouldn't trust him right now and certainly not with anything or anyone that I value.

mom3rn

My thought is that if you are going to have an expectation, expect an active alcholic to get drunk and that will win out over any responsibility and WE ALL know this, don't we. Don'tset yourself up for disappointment. Make your own plans and do not depend on a active drunk to be there for you!! Remember if we choose to live with them, we choose to live with them as they are because we will NEVER be able to change them!! Good Luck and have a GREAT PARTY!!