Feeling a bit down this morning....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Feeling a bit down this morning....
I was feeling great yesterday after I stood up for myself and upheld my boundaries, but today I'm feeling a bit down and starting to doubt myself. I feel like I'm being punished for wanting to uphold a sense of peace in my own life. I don't think that's wrong...I guess I just need to hear it. Is this normal to have ups and downs about your decisions? To feel okay one day and completely doubt yourself the next?
I go to see my therapist this afternoon; I'll talk this out with him and it should be a useful session.
p.s. I still don't have the courage (yet) to go to Al-Anon. Each week I tell myself, "I'm gonna go", and each week the day comes...and I don't. My therapist suggested I give it a try. I trust his suggestions, but I still feel scared.
I go to see my therapist this afternoon; I'll talk this out with him and it should be a useful session.
p.s. I still don't have the courage (yet) to go to Al-Anon. Each week I tell myself, "I'm gonna go", and each week the day comes...and I don't. My therapist suggested I give it a try. I trust his suggestions, but I still feel scared.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Try Al Anon. I've gone 8 weeks now and really like it. It's only an hour and atleast it provides a chance to learn, talk and understand how you got to where you are. The disease of alcohism affects us somehow, someway.
Somehow Al Anon is working within me.....as every year in the past 20 I have attended an annual golf outing with h.s. friends. Every year drunkenness comes about after golf while at the bar. Every year the same person makes fun of me about my playing the french horn. Every year they all laugh and it goes on for 1/2 hour.
This year I told the fellow "no more". Later in the evening again he tried and I replied you have 9 other guys to pick on here, pick on someone else. He was dumbfounded. I had managed to stand up for myself, for once!
I have to believe Al Anon was instrument and this website in focusing and taking care ourselves for once.
Somehow Al Anon is working within me.....as every year in the past 20 I have attended an annual golf outing with h.s. friends. Every year drunkenness comes about after golf while at the bar. Every year the same person makes fun of me about my playing the french horn. Every year they all laugh and it goes on for 1/2 hour.
This year I told the fellow "no more". Later in the evening again he tried and I replied you have 9 other guys to pick on here, pick on someone else. He was dumbfounded. I had managed to stand up for myself, for once!
I have to believe Al Anon was instrument and this website in focusing and taking care ourselves for once.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello. Just wanted to let you know I also have tried Alanon and it is good. You should also see if there is a Celebrate Recovery in your area. I attend and it is wonderful. It is step based but has spiritual meaning combined. Not telling you what to do, but it may be an alternate you are more comfortable with. I have to say, the very first day I walked in I was all by myself and instantly they made me feel welcome and wanted. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Keep sticking up for yourself, we all deserve peace in our lives.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
T2F, take a look at what actually happened.
Your parents phoned you and started telling you about your sister, which you had asked them not to do.
When you told them you did not wish to hear it, they got angry at you, and became abusive.
You said goodbye and cut the conversation.
YOU understand that no good comes from being enmeshed in your sister's drama....you can do nothing for her, and it shatters your peace and upsets your life.
Your parents do not have this understanding, of how to love but detach....and I don't know just how detached I could be if it were one of my girls in this situation.
You set boundaries to protect YOU, your needs and peace of mind, and mum and dad do not see why you won't listen to them, nor do they listen to you. I guess they have spent years worrying over AS, and making her the priority and now of course, she is all they think of. I imagine they assumed she would be your priority also, and were thrown when you asked them not to discuss her with you.
You did exactly what you needed to do to keep your boundaries right now. This may change, and you can change whenever you feel it necessary or right for you.
My AS has just gone in to rehab, for alcoholism...but has been hospitalised about 7 or 8 times after suicide threats or attempts, and mum and I have been prepared for bad news for some years now.
Mum told me ages ago that she had to step back and let AS live her miserable life as it is, because mum knew she could not change it. Even now, she says it is wonderful news, but she isn't ready to dance a jig yet....til she sees what happens. Not getting her hopes up anymore, but waiting for real change and real actions for recovery.
Hope all goes well with AS and that if she does get into recovery, your parents may get help as well, and understand what you did and why you did it.
God bless
Your parents phoned you and started telling you about your sister, which you had asked them not to do.
When you told them you did not wish to hear it, they got angry at you, and became abusive.
You said goodbye and cut the conversation.
YOU understand that no good comes from being enmeshed in your sister's drama....you can do nothing for her, and it shatters your peace and upsets your life.
Your parents do not have this understanding, of how to love but detach....and I don't know just how detached I could be if it were one of my girls in this situation.
You set boundaries to protect YOU, your needs and peace of mind, and mum and dad do not see why you won't listen to them, nor do they listen to you. I guess they have spent years worrying over AS, and making her the priority and now of course, she is all they think of. I imagine they assumed she would be your priority also, and were thrown when you asked them not to discuss her with you.
You did exactly what you needed to do to keep your boundaries right now. This may change, and you can change whenever you feel it necessary or right for you.
My AS has just gone in to rehab, for alcoholism...but has been hospitalised about 7 or 8 times after suicide threats or attempts, and mum and I have been prepared for bad news for some years now.
Mum told me ages ago that she had to step back and let AS live her miserable life as it is, because mum knew she could not change it. Even now, she says it is wonderful news, but she isn't ready to dance a jig yet....til she sees what happens. Not getting her hopes up anymore, but waiting for real change and real actions for recovery.
Hope all goes well with AS and that if she does get into recovery, your parents may get help as well, and understand what you did and why you did it.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Thanks everyone. I had a great session with my therapist yesterday. I've established that the ways in which my parents treat me and regard my decisions about AS--the crying, the anger, the cursing, the "you do what we say or else" responses--are unacceptable. We worked out that I need to set consistent boundaries with my parents and that they have to know that the way in which they've treated me in the past is no longer acceptable. Until they come to that realization and are willing to talk this out in a calm and rational manner, I do not have contact with them. I told therapist I was willing to give it a try, even though it sounded tough (change is tough!). something has to change.
So this morning, my boundaries were already tested. My dad wrote me an email in which he said he was "puzzled" about my reaction to AS and my need for boundaries. He said that "I must not understand what's going on with her, and if I did understand, I would react differently." (i.e. inviting me back on the crazy train). I wrote back a direct, calm, and matter-of-fact email (something my therapist and I worked out together): I expressed that I was upset / concerned over their reaction to me and my need for boundaries on the phone the other day--the crying, cursing, and yelling-- and that this behavior is unacceptable. I let them know that we must establish respect in our relationship, and until they are willing to accept that my decisions about how I choose to have a relationship with my sister are not theirs to make (and how our relationship is separate from my relationship with her), then we cannot have contact. I left it with an "I love you" and when they're ready to talk about this calmly and rationally over the phone, they can give me a call. I will NOT be my parents' doormat anymore.
My goals (as established in therapy) are to maintain consistent boundaries and to only have contact with them when they are willing to treat me with respect. No respect = no contact. My therapist advised me to expect a fight because, as he put it, I am the "last lifeline" my parents have in which they can channel their frustrations and anger over AS and her drinking. That stops here. My other goal is to try one Al Anon meeting. I'm going to go on Tuesday. Wish me luck. And THANK YOU for all of you, who give me so much strength to change.
So this morning, my boundaries were already tested. My dad wrote me an email in which he said he was "puzzled" about my reaction to AS and my need for boundaries. He said that "I must not understand what's going on with her, and if I did understand, I would react differently." (i.e. inviting me back on the crazy train). I wrote back a direct, calm, and matter-of-fact email (something my therapist and I worked out together): I expressed that I was upset / concerned over their reaction to me and my need for boundaries on the phone the other day--the crying, cursing, and yelling-- and that this behavior is unacceptable. I let them know that we must establish respect in our relationship, and until they are willing to accept that my decisions about how I choose to have a relationship with my sister are not theirs to make (and how our relationship is separate from my relationship with her), then we cannot have contact. I left it with an "I love you" and when they're ready to talk about this calmly and rationally over the phone, they can give me a call. I will NOT be my parents' doormat anymore.
My goals (as established in therapy) are to maintain consistent boundaries and to only have contact with them when they are willing to treat me with respect. No respect = no contact. My therapist advised me to expect a fight because, as he put it, I am the "last lifeline" my parents have in which they can channel their frustrations and anger over AS and her drinking. That stops here. My other goal is to try one Al Anon meeting. I'm going to go on Tuesday. Wish me luck. And THANK YOU for all of you, who give me so much strength to change.
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