Losing my 19 year old son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Losing my 19 year old son
Hi everyone, new to ALL of this. 
Not sure if this is the right forum or whatever, if not can a mod move it for me please?
To get right to the point.. I am losing my 19 year old to substance abuse.
Started out with pot and when I caught him it was the typical excuses.... oh I didn't smoke, it was someone standing next to me and I inhaled second hand smoke (this was after I suspect something and made him take a Walgreens home drug test which he tested positive for pot on)... then after finding pot residue and rolling papers, lighters, etc.. in his car he claimed it was some friend of a friend that left it there and he didn't know the guy's name. Just gave him a ride one night.
(Yes, pure cookie cutter answers it seems)
Couple of days ago, I suspect something else and go to his car and once again find the pot evidence (stems, seeds, papers, lighters, visine for the eyes, spray on deodorant, etc..) but I also find these little tiny clear plastic bags that crack comes in.
At least I think it is crack. The only thing I know that comes in those bags are crack and crystal meth and it can't be meth because he sleeps too much for a tweaker.
So I go to Walgreens to get a home drug test again and test him and he tries to fake the test by filling the cup with toilet water. I tell him to forget it and we are doing it again with me watching. (when I took the cup, it was cold. Not warm like urine from the body would be)
Well that set him off, he stormed out, after shouting the usual things about how I never did anything for him and never will see him again. Said he was going to live with his mother.
His mother is the that hasn't seen him in years and when she tries to text him and he will never reply and when I ask him why he tells me that he doesn't want to be bothered with her because she never cared about him and never did anything for him and never made any effort to come visit him. (which does ring true to a degree and I can understand that... but now he wants to just go and move in with her unannounced?????? He doesn't even know where she lives or who to get there.)
He flunked out of college after trying 3 classes. Got an "F" in two of the classes which were subjects he took in the 9th grade and passed with B's. The third class he just didn't bother to show up for. He went once or twice and just stopped going.
His current group of friends are nothing but drug heads as well.
He works a decent little job and has been there for 2 years, but just quit. He came back home to grab some clothes and I asked him if he had quit his job and he said no and that he wasn't going to. He was due at work in an hour. Time passes and his boss calls and asks me if he is ok because he was suppose to work today and he hasn't reached him by phone or text messages. (which he has a habit of hiding behind the phone and ignoring everyone except his "friends") I go looking for him and find him at the usual drug hang out spot (inside a middle school basketball gym of all places) and confront him and he says he changed his mind and did quit his job, so what?
His personal hygiene has taken a downward turn. He has gone a couple of days without showering before. (Says he showers at a friends house but I don't believe it) and has gone several days without brushing his teeth more than once. Unshaven, uncombed hair, etc... the typical stoner look.
His ideal day is to get up around noon-2PM, spend 45 minutes in the bathroom with bowel movements, go somewhere while I am at work, come home 15 minutes and then go to "play basketball" from 6-9 and then hang out until 1-2am in the morning. If he does work, he goes there and then repeats the hanging out until 1-2am in the morning when he gets off.
I honestly don't know what to do. Deep down he is a good person. Polite and well mannered. He doesn't steal (that I know of, he hasn't from me or anyone I know), he is very respectful, has never been arrested (yet, thank god) and has great potential. I feel like he is on the beginning of a wave that he could be pulled from and saved from making serious mistakes from right now. He hasn't reached the point where it is "too late". If that makes sense.
His mother says when he arrives there she is going to put him in a drug rehab center. I don't know if you can just commit someone in there against their will without a court order or something. Also, being that I am a single parent and have been for the last 17 years, it has been very hard financially for me to save money while raising him to have the best opportunities available (private school, nice home, etc..) so I really don't have much money to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on treatment centers. I see some of these places wanting 6000-10000 per month. I simply do not have that.
I really don't know what to do right now and just needed a place to express this with people who might understand.
Thank you for reading this and for having these forums as a place for others to find.
Not sure if this is the right forum or whatever, if not can a mod move it for me please?
To get right to the point.. I am losing my 19 year old to substance abuse.
Started out with pot and when I caught him it was the typical excuses.... oh I didn't smoke, it was someone standing next to me and I inhaled second hand smoke (this was after I suspect something and made him take a Walgreens home drug test which he tested positive for pot on)... then after finding pot residue and rolling papers, lighters, etc.. in his car he claimed it was some friend of a friend that left it there and he didn't know the guy's name. Just gave him a ride one night.
(Yes, pure cookie cutter answers it seems)
Couple of days ago, I suspect something else and go to his car and once again find the pot evidence (stems, seeds, papers, lighters, visine for the eyes, spray on deodorant, etc..) but I also find these little tiny clear plastic bags that crack comes in.
At least I think it is crack. The only thing I know that comes in those bags are crack and crystal meth and it can't be meth because he sleeps too much for a tweaker.
So I go to Walgreens to get a home drug test again and test him and he tries to fake the test by filling the cup with toilet water. I tell him to forget it and we are doing it again with me watching. (when I took the cup, it was cold. Not warm like urine from the body would be)
Well that set him off, he stormed out, after shouting the usual things about how I never did anything for him and never will see him again. Said he was going to live with his mother.
His mother is the that hasn't seen him in years and when she tries to text him and he will never reply and when I ask him why he tells me that he doesn't want to be bothered with her because she never cared about him and never did anything for him and never made any effort to come visit him. (which does ring true to a degree and I can understand that... but now he wants to just go and move in with her unannounced?????? He doesn't even know where she lives or who to get there.)
He flunked out of college after trying 3 classes. Got an "F" in two of the classes which were subjects he took in the 9th grade and passed with B's. The third class he just didn't bother to show up for. He went once or twice and just stopped going.
His current group of friends are nothing but drug heads as well.
He works a decent little job and has been there for 2 years, but just quit. He came back home to grab some clothes and I asked him if he had quit his job and he said no and that he wasn't going to. He was due at work in an hour. Time passes and his boss calls and asks me if he is ok because he was suppose to work today and he hasn't reached him by phone or text messages. (which he has a habit of hiding behind the phone and ignoring everyone except his "friends") I go looking for him and find him at the usual drug hang out spot (inside a middle school basketball gym of all places) and confront him and he says he changed his mind and did quit his job, so what?
His personal hygiene has taken a downward turn. He has gone a couple of days without showering before. (Says he showers at a friends house but I don't believe it) and has gone several days without brushing his teeth more than once. Unshaven, uncombed hair, etc... the typical stoner look.
His ideal day is to get up around noon-2PM, spend 45 minutes in the bathroom with bowel movements, go somewhere while I am at work, come home 15 minutes and then go to "play basketball" from 6-9 and then hang out until 1-2am in the morning. If he does work, he goes there and then repeats the hanging out until 1-2am in the morning when he gets off.
I honestly don't know what to do. Deep down he is a good person. Polite and well mannered. He doesn't steal (that I know of, he hasn't from me or anyone I know), he is very respectful, has never been arrested (yet, thank god) and has great potential. I feel like he is on the beginning of a wave that he could be pulled from and saved from making serious mistakes from right now. He hasn't reached the point where it is "too late". If that makes sense.
His mother says when he arrives there she is going to put him in a drug rehab center. I don't know if you can just commit someone in there against their will without a court order or something. Also, being that I am a single parent and have been for the last 17 years, it has been very hard financially for me to save money while raising him to have the best opportunities available (private school, nice home, etc..) so I really don't have much money to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on treatment centers. I see some of these places wanting 6000-10000 per month. I simply do not have that.
I really don't know what to do right now and just needed a place to express this with people who might understand.
Thank you for reading this and for having these forums as a place for others to find.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
If you remove substance abuse from the equation, how would you deal with this?
I'm a mom to a 22 year old recovering addict daughter (RAD). She started with substance abuse at about 18 and it evolved into sticking needles in her arms by the time she was 19. I empathize with your pain as do many other parents here.
The only way your ex can potentially force him into rehab, is to not allow him to stay with her. You can do the same and the Salvation Army has a free residential rehab program.
Your comment about 45 minute bowel movements alarmed me. Besides that being enough time to use whatever is his drug of choice with privacy, constipation is also a tell tale sign of daily opiate abuse. It could be either of those or both. If he's really that constipated, he's more than likely addicted.
Are you familiar at all with Alanon or Naranon?
I'm a mom to a 22 year old recovering addict daughter (RAD). She started with substance abuse at about 18 and it evolved into sticking needles in her arms by the time she was 19. I empathize with your pain as do many other parents here.
The only way your ex can potentially force him into rehab, is to not allow him to stay with her. You can do the same and the Salvation Army has a free residential rehab program.
Your comment about 45 minute bowel movements alarmed me. Besides that being enough time to use whatever is his drug of choice with privacy, constipation is also a tell tale sign of daily opiate abuse. It could be either of those or both. If he's really that constipated, he's more than likely addicted.
Are you familiar at all with Alanon or Naranon?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by HisDad 
Hi everyone, new to ALL of this.
Not sure if this is the right forum or whatever, if not can a mod move it for me please?
To get right to the point.. I am losing my 19 year old to substance abuse.
Started out with pot and when I caught him it was the typical excuses.... oh I didn't smoke, it was someone standing next to me and I inhaled second hand smoke (this was after I suspect something and made him take a Walgreens home drug test which he tested positive for pot on)... then after finding pot residue and rolling papers, lighters, etc.. in his car he claimed it was some friend of a friend that left it there and he didn't know the guy's name. Just gave him a ride one night.
(Yes, pure cookie cutter answers it seems)
Couple of days ago, I suspect something else and go to his car and once again find the pot evidence (stems, seeds, papers, lighters, visine for the eyes, spray on deodorant, etc..) but I also find these little tiny clear plastic bags that crack comes in.
At least I think it is crack. The only thing I know that comes in those bags are crack and crystal meth and it can't be meth because he sleeps too much for a tweaker.
So I go to Walgreens to get a home drug test again and test him and he tries to fake the test by filling the cup with toilet water. I tell him to forget it and we are doing it again with me watching. (when I took the cup, it was cold. Not warm like urine from the body would be)
Well that set him off, he stormed out, after shouting the usual things about how I never did anything for him and never will see him again. Said he was going to live with his mother.
His mother is the that hasn't seen him in years and when she tries to text him and he will never reply and when I ask him why he tells me that he doesn't want to be bothered with her because she never cared about him and never did anything for him and never made any effort to come visit him. (which does ring true to a degree and I can understand that... but now he wants to just go and move in with her unannounced?????? He doesn't even know where she lives or who to get there.)
He flunked out of college after trying 3 classes. Got an "F" in two of the classes which were subjects he took in the 9th grade and passed with B's. The third class he just didn't bother to show up for. He went once or twice and just stopped going.
His current group of friends are nothing but drug heads as well.
He works a decent little job and has been there for 2 years, but just quit. He came back home to grab some clothes and I asked him if he had quit his job and he said no and that he wasn't going to. He was due at work in an hour. Time passes and his boss calls and asks me if he is ok because he was suppose to work today and he hasn't reached him by phone or text messages. (which he has a habit of hiding behind the phone and ignoring everyone except his "friends") I go looking for him and find him at the usual drug hang out spot (inside a middle school basketball gym of all places) and confront him and he says he changed his mind and did quit his job, so what?
His personal hygiene has taken a downward turn. He has gone a couple of days without showering before. (Says he showers at a friends house but I don't believe it) and has gone several days without brushing his teeth more than once. Unshaven, uncombed hair, etc... the typical stoner look.
His ideal day is to get up around noon-2PM, spend 45 minutes in the bathroom with bowel movements, go somewhere while I am at work, come home 15 minutes and then go to "play basketball" from 6-9 and then hang out until 1-2am in the morning. If he does work, he goes there and then repeats the hanging out until 1-2am in the morning when he gets off.
I honestly don't know what to do. Deep down he is a good person. Polite and well mannered. He doesn't steal (that I know of, he hasn't from me or anyone I know), he is very respectful, has never been arrested (yet, thank god) and has great potential. I feel like he is on the beginning of a wave that he could be pulled from and saved from making serious mistakes from right now. He hasn't reached the point where it is "too late". If that makes sense.
His mother says when he arrives there she is going to put him in a drug rehab center. I don't know if you can just commit someone in there against their will without a court order or something. Also, being that I am a single parent and have been for the last 17 years, it has been very hard financially for me to save money while raising him to have the best opportunities available (private school, nice home, etc..) so I really don't have much money to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on treatment centers. I see some of these places wanting 6000-10000 per month. I simply do not have that.
I really don't know what to do right now and just needed a place to express this with people who might understand.
Thank you for reading this and for having these forums as a place for others to find.
Not sure if this is the right forum or whatever, if not can a mod move it for me please?
To get right to the point.. I am losing my 19 year old to substance abuse.
Started out with pot and when I caught him it was the typical excuses.... oh I didn't smoke, it was someone standing next to me and I inhaled second hand smoke (this was after I suspect something and made him take a Walgreens home drug test which he tested positive for pot on)... then after finding pot residue and rolling papers, lighters, etc.. in his car he claimed it was some friend of a friend that left it there and he didn't know the guy's name. Just gave him a ride one night.
(Yes, pure cookie cutter answers it seems)
Couple of days ago, I suspect something else and go to his car and once again find the pot evidence (stems, seeds, papers, lighters, visine for the eyes, spray on deodorant, etc..) but I also find these little tiny clear plastic bags that crack comes in.
At least I think it is crack. The only thing I know that comes in those bags are crack and crystal meth and it can't be meth because he sleeps too much for a tweaker.
So I go to Walgreens to get a home drug test again and test him and he tries to fake the test by filling the cup with toilet water. I tell him to forget it and we are doing it again with me watching. (when I took the cup, it was cold. Not warm like urine from the body would be)
Well that set him off, he stormed out, after shouting the usual things about how I never did anything for him and never will see him again. Said he was going to live with his mother.
His mother is the that hasn't seen him in years and when she tries to text him and he will never reply and when I ask him why he tells me that he doesn't want to be bothered with her because she never cared about him and never did anything for him and never made any effort to come visit him. (which does ring true to a degree and I can understand that... but now he wants to just go and move in with her unannounced?????? He doesn't even know where she lives or who to get there.)
He flunked out of college after trying 3 classes. Got an "F" in two of the classes which were subjects he took in the 9th grade and passed with B's. The third class he just didn't bother to show up for. He went once or twice and just stopped going.
His current group of friends are nothing but drug heads as well.
He works a decent little job and has been there for 2 years, but just quit. He came back home to grab some clothes and I asked him if he had quit his job and he said no and that he wasn't going to. He was due at work in an hour. Time passes and his boss calls and asks me if he is ok because he was suppose to work today and he hasn't reached him by phone or text messages. (which he has a habit of hiding behind the phone and ignoring everyone except his "friends") I go looking for him and find him at the usual drug hang out spot (inside a middle school basketball gym of all places) and confront him and he says he changed his mind and did quit his job, so what?
His personal hygiene has taken a downward turn. He has gone a couple of days without showering before. (Says he showers at a friends house but I don't believe it) and has gone several days without brushing his teeth more than once. Unshaven, uncombed hair, etc... the typical stoner look.
His ideal day is to get up around noon-2PM, spend 45 minutes in the bathroom with bowel movements, go somewhere while I am at work, come home 15 minutes and then go to "play basketball" from 6-9 and then hang out until 1-2am in the morning. If he does work, he goes there and then repeats the hanging out until 1-2am in the morning when he gets off.
I honestly don't know what to do. Deep down he is a good person. Polite and well mannered. He doesn't steal (that I know of, he hasn't from me or anyone I know), he is very respectful, has never been arrested (yet, thank god) and has great potential. I feel like he is on the beginning of a wave that he could be pulled from and saved from making serious mistakes from right now. He hasn't reached the point where it is "too late". If that makes sense.
His mother says when he arrives there she is going to put him in a drug rehab center. I don't know if you can just commit someone in there against their will without a court order or something. Also, being that I am a single parent and have been for the last 17 years, it has been very hard financially for me to save money while raising him to have the best opportunities available (private school, nice home, etc..) so I really don't have much money to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on treatment centers. I see some of these places wanting 6000-10000 per month. I simply do not have that.
I really don't know what to do right now and just needed a place to express this with people who might understand.
Thank you for reading this and for having these forums as a place for others to find.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Chino
Your comment about 45 minute bowel movements alarmed me. Besides that being enough time to use whatever is his drug of choice with privacy, constipation is also a tell tale sign of daily opiate abuse. It could be either of those or both. If he's really that constipated, he's more than likely addicted.
I know for sure that he doesn't use any drugs in the bathroom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Chino
If you remove substance abuse from the equation, how would you deal with this?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Welcome HisDad! Sorry you have to be here, but if you need help this is definitely a great place to hang out. You'll get loads of support.
My son will be 20 in August and I've been "losing him" for a couple of years now. This last week I finally had to let him go completely... he has no money and no job and last I heard he's staying with a friend and her mom. We've tried everything you can imagine: drug rehab, counseling, psychiatrists, sober houses, tough love, setting him up for college, etc... he has not made ANY progress at all during that time. I am grateful that he's been through rehab because he did learn what he will have to do to get well, but he's chosen to not take that path right now.
I had to choose between chaos and serenity. I have finally chosen serenity.
I am grateful to everyone (friends, family and addicts alike) who posts here on SR. I have learned so very much and if it weren't for this place I think I'd be in the nut house.
My son will be 20 in August and I've been "losing him" for a couple of years now. This last week I finally had to let him go completely... he has no money and no job and last I heard he's staying with a friend and her mom. We've tried everything you can imagine: drug rehab, counseling, psychiatrists, sober houses, tough love, setting him up for college, etc... he has not made ANY progress at all during that time. I am grateful that he's been through rehab because he did learn what he will have to do to get well, but he's chosen to not take that path right now.
I had to choose between chaos and serenity. I have finally chosen serenity.
I am grateful to everyone (friends, family and addicts alike) who posts here on SR. I have learned so very much and if it weren't for this place I think I'd be in the nut house.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by HisDad
I am not sure what you mean. If I could remove the substance abuse from this, then all the bad friends he has would disappear, he would still have his job, still in school, etc...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Dad. Welcome.
Tough love is tough.
If he was under 18 you could probably force him into rehab but if he's not ready to quit (and it doesn't sound like he is) it won't work. He is legally an adult now... he's going to have to be responsible for his own choices now. Even if they are really bad ones. Sheltering him from the negative consequences of drug abuse will not help him.
Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you will accept from people in your life? What are the consequences for violating those boundaries? Sounds like it might be time for some tough love when it comes to your son... It's probably tougher on you them him, but coddling him and supporting him in his addiction will only enable him to continue using.
PS. Don't give him any money for anything anymore.
Tough love is tough.
If he was under 18 you could probably force him into rehab but if he's not ready to quit (and it doesn't sound like he is) it won't work. He is legally an adult now... he's going to have to be responsible for his own choices now. Even if they are really bad ones. Sheltering him from the negative consequences of drug abuse will not help him.
Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you will accept from people in your life? What are the consequences for violating those boundaries? Sounds like it might be time for some tough love when it comes to your son... It's probably tougher on you them him, but coddling him and supporting him in his addiction will only enable him to continue using.
PS. Don't give him any money for anything anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by tjp613
She means if drugs were not the issue but he was flunking out of school, sponging off you while being very disrespectful, and hanging with a bunch of losers...what would you do? Where would you draw the line?
If there were no drugs involved and his behavior was like this I would suppose I would just throw him out and hope that it would be his wake up call and he would get it together.
But because drugs are involved, I don't know what to do. I read on here about "letting go" and I don't know how to do that and to be honest I don't know if I want to. He has no other family. Yes, his mother but she gave him up and has seen him probably 10 times in his whole life so he feels rejected there.
I suspect depression is a reason for all this too. But he is my son. I can't help but to worry about where he is sleeping at night. Or whether these other kids are going to hurt him (physically or otherwise) or if he will just reach the point of being suicidal.
I just don't know how to handle this. I try not to take the things he says to me personal and let them get to me, but sometimes it is hard and it does hurt to hear him say he feels like I hate him and I just make his life miserable and he would rather be in jail than to have to see me another day.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((HisDad)))
I am the mom of 2 sons, one age 36, who is currently in prison right now for dealing. He has been using since the age of 14, and yes, he started with weed, and progressed nicely up to crack, and meth.
Seriously, I was in the dark about his drug use, because #1 they are SOOO good at hiding it, and #2 I was naive, and so was his dad. Since he was the first son we've even raised, we thought it was a "Guy thing"
So we were in the dark until he was 16.
Regardless, if I had to do it all again. I would RUN to an Alanon meeting for support. Unfortunately it took me a long time to get there.
Kicking our son out when he was 19, didn't solve any problems other than not being in the front row watching his slow descent.
And rehab, may give your son a few tools to work with in the future, but if he's not willing and ready for rehab, save your energy, and money.
Actually the BEST thing, (I do not wish this for your son) that ever happened to my son, is prison time, he's clean and even non smoking!
JMHO,
Good luck to you..
and stick around,
Diane
I am the mom of 2 sons, one age 36, who is currently in prison right now for dealing. He has been using since the age of 14, and yes, he started with weed, and progressed nicely up to crack, and meth.
Seriously, I was in the dark about his drug use, because #1 they are SOOO good at hiding it, and #2 I was naive, and so was his dad. Since he was the first son we've even raised, we thought it was a "Guy thing"
So we were in the dark until he was 16.
Regardless, if I had to do it all again. I would RUN to an Alanon meeting for support. Unfortunately it took me a long time to get there.
Kicking our son out when he was 19, didn't solve any problems other than not being in the front row watching his slow descent.
And rehab, may give your son a few tools to work with in the future, but if he's not willing and ready for rehab, save your energy, and money.
Actually the BEST thing, (I do not wish this for your son) that ever happened to my son, is prison time, he's clean and even non smoking!
JMHO,
Good luck to you..
and stick around,
Diane
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Sorry, I have a second thought here...
My father was 16 when he moved out of his family home to go work in the coal mines. Some of us (me) seem to coddle our kids nowadays.
I think at age 19, regardless of drug use, if a child is not working, and not attending college, and not contributing to the household, he has to leave and use those wings.
JMHO,
Diane
My father was 16 when he moved out of his family home to go work in the coal mines. Some of us (me) seem to coddle our kids nowadays.
I think at age 19, regardless of drug use, if a child is not working, and not attending college, and not contributing to the household, he has to leave and use those wings.
JMHO,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by HisDad
I read on here about "letting go" and I don't know how to do that and to be honest I don't know if I want to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
This sounds a lot like dauther, at age 19.
Much to my surprise, those little baggies contained heroin, which is consistent with some of your son's behaviors. I really don't know. Just sayin....
My daughter is 21 now and no long uses drugs, smoke cigs or drinks alcohol. She did this on her own, following 3 back to back stints in rehab and relapse. I eventually made the decision that I would not have someone in active addiction in my house. That every single person she associated with, at that time, is either dead or in prison may have had an influence on her decision to clean up.
For her, for now, she is making better choices for herself. She knows she will always be one poor choice away from that life. I respect that it's her decision.
I put myself through pure codependent hell before being humbled with the realization that I had no control over her, or anyone else, for that matter.
Much to my surprise, those little baggies contained heroin, which is consistent with some of your son's behaviors. I really don't know. Just sayin....
My daughter is 21 now and no long uses drugs, smoke cigs or drinks alcohol. She did this on her own, following 3 back to back stints in rehab and relapse. I eventually made the decision that I would not have someone in active addiction in my house. That every single person she associated with, at that time, is either dead or in prison may have had an influence on her decision to clean up.
For her, for now, she is making better choices for herself. She knows she will always be one poor choice away from that life. I respect that it's her decision.
I put myself through pure codependent hell before being humbled with the realization that I had no control over her, or anyone else, for that matter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 112
HisDad,
I can understand the heartache and turmoil your son's actions and words are putting you in. You will find good support here. Just wanted to interject that I have found those tiny clear bags (with a ziploc top) in my daughter's room and car. In her case, they contained heroin.
I can understand the heartache and turmoil your son's actions and words are putting you in. You will find good support here. Just wanted to interject that I have found those tiny clear bags (with a ziploc top) in my daughter's room and car. In her case, they contained heroin.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Hisdad))) - I'm way older than your son, but I'm also an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent).
He's trying to protect his using. He wants to keep using, hang out with his friends, have NO responsibility and let YOU give him a place to sleep, food to eat, etc.
The things he said that cut you to your very core are manipulation. I honestly don't think we do it intentionally, it's just how our brains work when we're trying, so very hard, to protect what we have. If it guilts you into letting him stay at home, HEY! It worked!! He'll keep doing it. If it stops working, he'll try something else..most of us have thrown out the "well, then I'll just kill myself", "you'd rather see me in jail", "you don't give a dam about me" stuff. I know I did.
I never used drugs to hurt the people who love me. Did I KNOW I was hurting them? Well, when I got into crack, after "dabbling" with just about everything else out there, I was a 24/7 user. The few times when the high wore off long enough to see clearly, and the pain came up to what I was doing to the people who loved me, my answer was..GET HIGH...NUMB IT!!!
My family loved me enough to basically say "we do love you...enough that we're not going to get you out of the trouble you've gotten into". I DID do jail, I DID lose a nursing career, I DID get myself into so much of a financial mess that now, 3+ years into recovery, I'm working at a McDonald's, a 2nd job, putting myself through school, and yes, I'm living at home again at an age I should own my own home. I contribute to the family, and I'm trying, like crazy, to help my 16-year-old niece avoid following the path I took. Her "dad" began using drugs at 14 and is facing yet another drug-related prison sentence (we have custody because her mom died in a car wreck when niece was only 1).
Had my family not stepped back and let me fall, I would probably be dead. The boyfriend that I left behind, when I got clean...he IS dead. This is a reality of addiction. It's scary, it's hard, and having been on both sides, to me, the codie side is harder.
Sorry to be long winded, and I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I just wanted you to see what goes on in an A's (addicts) mind, and let you know how very grateful I am to my family that they did what I know was so very hard, and let me fall.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
He's trying to protect his using. He wants to keep using, hang out with his friends, have NO responsibility and let YOU give him a place to sleep, food to eat, etc.
The things he said that cut you to your very core are manipulation. I honestly don't think we do it intentionally, it's just how our brains work when we're trying, so very hard, to protect what we have. If it guilts you into letting him stay at home, HEY! It worked!! He'll keep doing it. If it stops working, he'll try something else..most of us have thrown out the "well, then I'll just kill myself", "you'd rather see me in jail", "you don't give a dam about me" stuff. I know I did.
I never used drugs to hurt the people who love me. Did I KNOW I was hurting them? Well, when I got into crack, after "dabbling" with just about everything else out there, I was a 24/7 user. The few times when the high wore off long enough to see clearly, and the pain came up to what I was doing to the people who loved me, my answer was..GET HIGH...NUMB IT!!!
My family loved me enough to basically say "we do love you...enough that we're not going to get you out of the trouble you've gotten into". I DID do jail, I DID lose a nursing career, I DID get myself into so much of a financial mess that now, 3+ years into recovery, I'm working at a McDonald's, a 2nd job, putting myself through school, and yes, I'm living at home again at an age I should own my own home. I contribute to the family, and I'm trying, like crazy, to help my 16-year-old niece avoid following the path I took. Her "dad" began using drugs at 14 and is facing yet another drug-related prison sentence (we have custody because her mom died in a car wreck when niece was only 1).
Had my family not stepped back and let me fall, I would probably be dead. The boyfriend that I left behind, when I got clean...he IS dead. This is a reality of addiction. It's scary, it's hard, and having been on both sides, to me, the codie side is harder.
Sorry to be long winded, and I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I just wanted you to see what goes on in an A's (addicts) mind, and let you know how very grateful I am to my family that they did what I know was so very hard, and let me fall.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
welcome from another parent.
It gets worse bef. getting better....detach and be patient.
Don't pay for rehab until the time is right...often several rounds of rehab, get health insur. bef. he has a record of addiction
This is progressive and relapse is part of the disease of addiction
It gets worse bef. getting better....detach and be patient.
Don't pay for rehab until the time is right...often several rounds of rehab, get health insur. bef. he has a record of addiction
This is progressive and relapse is part of the disease of addiction
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Going thru this with my 18 yr. old daughter..she is using herion and oxys..very much the hot drugs right now. Put her in rehab, relapsed almost immediately and was SHOCKED wen we told her she was on her own. Until then had been having alot of fun. Now lives in drug house.. not as fun anymore. My alanon sponsor say maybe she needs to fullu immerse herself and wallow in this addiction to see if its really wat she wants. I agree..if this is the path they are going to choose, let them have the whole filthy lot of it, not a cushy home, soft bed, and gourmet food to come home to wen they are tired aftr a hard day of using. Yes I cry half the day sometimes.. I wallow a little, then I get to a meeting, call my sponsor, do something for someone else or ..shocking...go out with my friends and live my own life. So hard to do, but detaching is the only way. My fave alanon quaote...let go or be dragged!
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