LeeRoy

My son who is on probation for assault while under the influence has tested clean for 4 months now. Great news for everyone. Or so I thought. He is living at home until his probation ends in July. As far as I know he is not using drugs any longer but his behavior is still shady. I just found out that he failed all of the classes he took this semester at college. Then I found out yesterday that he took my husband's check card and took out $300 after we went to bed.

How is he passing these drug tests? It is clear to me that he must be using? What could he need that much cash for? Further he "appeared" to be going to class each day and even asked to use his dad's golf shoes for class but then at the end of the semester he even failed golf!

His lying and manipulation has no end I am finding out. Yet, he apparently shows up for probation on time and is keeping his nose clean enough to fly under the radar somehow. I know for a fact he is drinking because I read about it on his facebook pages. (Codie I know)

Any thoughts? Comments?

suki44883

You don't have to put up with that behavior, whether he is clean or not. If it were me, I'd tell him to use that $300 to find a place to live because he's not living here anymore. If he goes to jail, so be it.

ElegantlyWasted

My guess is that he is probably still using. Having worked in the Bar and RR industry a lot during college and experimented with everything short of using a needle, I know there are many ways to get around drug tests. Talk to a family counselor about how to best deal with your current situation. Stealing is unacceptable and probably indicative of some other "shady" stuff going on. There are masking agents that can be used to cover up many illegal drugs. Further, stimulants are more or less out of the system in 24 to 48 hours. how frequently is he being tested? All I can say is call him out on the things you know about. Another thing is look at who he hangs out with. The birds of a feather thing is a verrrry accurate indicator of what is really going on. Best of luck and again try some sort of family therepist, counseling.... When it comes to those we love, there is a tendency to give them the benefit of the doubt when we really shouldn't. A counselor will have more objectivity on the immediate situation and according the ability to make concrete suggestions to get you guys to a better place.

Ann

Tests can be faked in many ways. Alcohol doesn't stay in the system very long, other drugs vary.

But whether he is using or not using, stealing and lying and failing all subjects is not acceptable. I'm not sure who is paying for his schooling, but it may be time for him to pay for his own or get a job until he can afford to pay for schooling.

If he were my son, I would make him find another place to live and pay his own way from now on. I might tell him that I accept the $300 loss right now, but that next time he will be charged with theft. I'd also check around because one theft is rarely the case...check your jewelry, valuables, medications and checkbooks (look in the middle of the book for missing numbers, that's an old trick so you won't notice for a while).

All of the above is why I would make him leave now. Nobody should have to live like Dick Tracy at Fort Knox. Our homes are our "safe places" and we get no peace at all if we have to check their facebook (like you did and been there, done that), or sleep with our purses under our pillows.

The Salvation Army has a free rehab program that is very good, so when you throw him out he doesn't have to live under a bridge or on the street, as he will tell you. Trust me, they fine a couch to crash on every time. But he has the choice of doing something about his addiction or continue using.

My son knows that it wasn't about me throwing him out, it was about him choosing the option (using) that was not acceptable in my home.

It's not easy being a mother of an addict, but it is better when we give up our front row seat and return sanity to our homes.

Hugs

ElegantlyWasted

Sukiyaki makes a great point (thanks Suki).
what I was building up is that you need concerted "boundaries in place". Kicking him out may be a good thing, but it is up to you to decide how best to proceeded as you know more about the specifics of what's going on than we do. His unacceptable behavior needs to have real negative consequences. It sounds like he is operating in classic addict mode. Further if boundaries are not set by loved ones; it makes it even easier to apply those bad behaviors the real world where his freedom and physical safety are at risk. Wishing you the best and keep us posted...

LeeRoy

Thank you for the comments. I really needed to hear that. Now I need to do that!

keepinon

When my daughter (18) got out of rehab she was testing clean too. Then the shady behaviors started....she was using, but it didn"t show up.. they can just be so clever when they want. Our family therapist and my alanon sponsor both said to tell her like this "You have made a choice not to follow the rules of the house". AD.. "You're kicking me out!" Us "No, you made the decision by choosing to not follow the rules" . Hit replay about 10 times and you have an idea how the conversation went. The main point was to put the consequences on HER behavior and choices, not ours. Also, we tried to be as loving as we could about it.. hard when someone has just lied and stolen from you, but we did our best. Good Luck..

Impurrfect

(((LeeRoy))) When I was active, I never could stay clean even the short time it would take to test clean for probation..thus I ended up getting locked up for a violation. However, I knew MANY people who knew lots of tricks to test clean.

The thing is, his behaviors are screaming ADDICT BEHAVIOR! I can only tell you that it wasn't until I had to face the consequences of my behavior that I found out that behavior wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and I eventually sought recovery. Having a nice place to stay, getting away with stealing money, and doing what he wants to do is like saying "okay, son..you go right ahead and do what you're doing" to an A...it really is. The only thing that seems to get through to us is consequences.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

1va

I know there is a liquid in a bottle that is called #1. It' fake urine, AH and many of his friends have used it to pass a UA, and it works. It's very possible to pass a UA and not be clean.

Sunshine2

When my son was clean for a while, he showed me the contraptions one could buy on the internet that you strapped down your leg with someone else's urine. I eventually stopped testing him as it seemed rather pointless. I denied my gut feelings for many years, but in hindsight it turned out it was accurate in every respect.

Follow your instincts.

LeeRoy

Thanks. I just got some distressing new. The son who is on probation was not the one who used the check card... I asked for a photo of the person who used it so that I could just cut through all the lying when I confront him and found that it was actually my stepson.

It is still an issue for me that, as so many of you can see, his behavior is deceptive, manipulative and again, I'm still certain that he is drinking. Perhaps that's the issue-just substituting one drug for another.

What a relief to have you all here to lean on. Thank you for your goodness.

Freedom1990

My home is an alcohol and drug-free home.

I made the mistake of taking my 32 year old AD in temporarily several years ago after she had served a lengthy sentence on felony drug charges.

It took her less than a month to turn my household upside down.

She also substituted drinking for other drugs.

She lied, manipulated, and stole. She still does those things.

She's still not welcome in my home.

I have no idea whether she will ever find recovery, but of this, I am certain. I will not feed or give her shelter anymore.

She's managed to survive nicely since I kicked her out. She's a clever girl.