Cant take the shelfishness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Cant take the shelfishness
I do love my husband and believe he will get better one day. But sometimes I want to drive to his place and throw him out the window. Last week he calls me and to call him out of work as he was sick. He never really gets sick and never asks me to do that. I checked in on him a few times making sure he is ok. Today I am not feeling well so I email him. Shockingly I got no response. Its just madness.
I need to go no contact again but I need to know how to do that. I guess calling my sponsor nightly may help me. I really did want to reconcile one day but I am really tired of being a doormat. I was a doormat in the marriage and a doormat while separated.
He treats me like a piece of dirt when I am his wife. I am just beaten down and tired of this. I want to believe his HP can heal him but losing faith.
I guess I am ready to write my life story with him as my therapist recommended. Maybe Lifetime TV will pick it up. I need no contact and not just for a month!! Right now I am so envious of the people who have passed through this phase and have no contact. I need a life again. Thanks for listening
Hugs
Lulu
I need to go no contact again but I need to know how to do that. I guess calling my sponsor nightly may help me. I really did want to reconcile one day but I am really tired of being a doormat. I was a doormat in the marriage and a doormat while separated.
He treats me like a piece of dirt when I am his wife. I am just beaten down and tired of this. I want to believe his HP can heal him but losing faith.
I guess I am ready to write my life story with him as my therapist recommended. Maybe Lifetime TV will pick it up. I need no contact and not just for a month!! Right now I am so envious of the people who have passed through this phase and have no contact. I need a life again. Thanks for listening
Hugs
Lulu
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You believing that he will get better and that actually happening are two different things. Why? because he has to believe it himself, he has to want it more than anything or anyone, unfortunately, that includes you, at least for a period of time.
All "A's are selfish, that is the nature of the disease, and in order to recover they must be just as selfish. Not my rules, just fact.
You can choose not to be a doormat, think with your head, not your heart. I know, easier said than done.
Personally, I think no contact will be your ace in the hole. Why not give it a try?
All "A's are selfish, that is the nature of the disease, and in order to recover they must be just as selfish. Not my rules, just fact.
You can choose not to be a doormat, think with your head, not your heart. I know, easier said than done.
Personally, I think no contact will be your ace in the hole. Why not give it a try?
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Keep the faith! Faith meaning continue to pray for him if it makes you feel positive, but also stengthen your relationship with HP. Use this time to deepen the roots of the seeds you have planted.
If you are feeling an inner sense to perhaps distance yourself or move on, take a few weeks and sleep many nights on it. NC does work. I don't like it, but I have no other choice.
It's ok to be upset - we all are. Have you done pilates lately?
If you are feeling an inner sense to perhaps distance yourself or move on, take a few weeks and sleep many nights on it. NC does work. I don't like it, but I have no other choice.
It's ok to be upset - we all are. Have you done pilates lately?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Each contact you have seems to cause you pain or anger, or plain upsets you.
Go NC for a week, work on you, read, go out with friends, scrub floors, walk the dog, (if you don't have one, BORROW one) attend alanon meetings, go to church, light a candle for you, him, SR, and pray for guidence. Get you hair done, have a manicure, pedicure, a full body massage or try and beat the Marcos shoe title.
Do anything to keep your brain and it's thoughts off him, and on YOU. You know why?
Because his thoughts are not on YOU, only on what you can do for HIM and what he can do to upset you. He isn't paying rent to you brain, so evict him from it.
Now go plan your busy day.
God bless
Go NC for a week, work on you, read, go out with friends, scrub floors, walk the dog, (if you don't have one, BORROW one) attend alanon meetings, go to church, light a candle for you, him, SR, and pray for guidence. Get you hair done, have a manicure, pedicure, a full body massage or try and beat the Marcos shoe title.
Do anything to keep your brain and it's thoughts off him, and on YOU. You know why?
Because his thoughts are not on YOU, only on what you can do for HIM and what he can do to upset you. He isn't paying rent to you brain, so evict him from it.
Now go plan your busy day.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Each contact you have seems to cause you pain or anger, or plain upsets you.
Go NC for a week, work on you, read, go out with friends, scrub floors, walk the dog, (if you don't have one, BORROW one) attend alanon meetings, go to church, light a candle for you, him, SR, and pray for guidence. Get you hair done, have a manicure, pedicure, a full body massage or try and beat the Marcos shoe title.
Do anything to keep your brain and it's thoughts off him, and on YOU. You know why?
Because his thoughts are not on YOU, only on what you can do for HIM and what he can do to upset you. He isn't paying rent to you brain, so evict him from it.
Now go plan your busy day.
God bless
Go NC for a week, work on you, read, go out with friends, scrub floors, walk the dog, (if you don't have one, BORROW one) attend alanon meetings, go to church, light a candle for you, him, SR, and pray for guidence. Get you hair done, have a manicure, pedicure, a full body massage or try and beat the Marcos shoe title.
Do anything to keep your brain and it's thoughts off him, and on YOU. You know why?
Because his thoughts are not on YOU, only on what you can do for HIM and what he can do to upset you. He isn't paying rent to you brain, so evict him from it.
Now go plan your busy day.
God bless
Vacationing my arse; I blocked his emails. His phone, That chapter is closed. Its getting easier for me now,,,just a rough day is all. I was sick and he was vacationing. He didnt give me a heads up or anything as he was going. F him. Sorry some rage left in me. Time to stop talking about him and start talking about me
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
If NC for a long time seems overwhelming, maybe try it one day at a time, like we A's do? (I'm an RA and recovering codie). Vow to do it for today. The next morning you wake up, vow to do it for that day. Soon enough, those days add up and it gets easier.
There have been a LOT of codie steps I've had to take for "in this minute, I can do this". I've come pretty darned far, using this method. When a situation comes up that would normally bring out the codie response, I take a deep breath and tell myself "not this time" and I step back. I think of what I've learned her, accept that yes, it's going to be uncomfortable, but I will feel better about it in the long run, and it's never let me down. We start with baby steps and work our way up.
Just something to think about.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
There have been a LOT of codie steps I've had to take for "in this minute, I can do this". I've come pretty darned far, using this method. When a situation comes up that would normally bring out the codie response, I take a deep breath and tell myself "not this time" and I step back. I think of what I've learned her, accept that yes, it's going to be uncomfortable, but I will feel better about it in the long run, and it's never let me down. We start with baby steps and work our way up.
Just something to think about.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Thank you. The alanon meeting helped and I got another book from there. One day at a time. That is what I need to do. No more contact. I dont care if he falls off the bridge. He made his bed let him lay in it. Maybe one day he will realize what he lost but I dont care. I know who I am and I know I need recovery. That means starting a divorce process. I need an end in sight to this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by lulu1974
Thank you. The alanon meeting helped and I got another book from there. One day at a time. That is what I need to do. No more contact. I dont care if he falls off the bridge. He made his bed let him lay in it. Maybe one day he will realize what he lost but I dont care. I know who I am and I know I need recovery. That means starting a divorce process. I need an end in sight to this.
I find that when women get over someone, they are done. I mean turned off to a point there is no return.
For me, I mourn, purge, cry, freak out, talk until my head hurts, write, read and then one day I wake up and the fog lifts and I feel nothing.
This is how it's worked with my ex's. Once I was done, my feelings for them totally disappeared.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by lulu1974
Thank you. The alanon meeting helped and I got another book from there. One day at a time. That is what I need to do. No more contact. I dont care if he falls off the bridge. He made his bed let him lay in it. Maybe one day he will realize what he lost but I dont care. I know who I am and I know I need recovery. That means starting a divorce process. I need an end in sight to this.
I find that when women get over someone, they are done. I mean turned off to a point there is no return.
For me, I mourn, purge, cry, freak out, talk until my head hurts, write, read and then one day I wake up and the fog lifts and I feel nothing.
This is how it's worked with my ex's. Once I was done, my feelings for them totally disappeared.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I noticed the typo in your post title and it made me think....hmmmmmmm "can't take the shelfishness..."
Maybe you are ALLERGIC to shellfish and should stay away!!!!!
Everything you describe is normal! The anger, the recognition that you need to get your own life back, the confusion over how exactly to change yourself, the STRUGGLE! It's not that each of these problems have a difinitive "right way to fix" or perfect resolution....but we find the answers within the struggle, in doing the work of trying to figure it all out.
You're on the right path! Stick with each new little road you are building. From tiny acorns mighty oaks do grow!
peace-
b
Maybe you are ALLERGIC to shellfish and should stay away!!!!!
Everything you describe is normal! The anger, the recognition that you need to get your own life back, the confusion over how exactly to change yourself, the STRUGGLE! It's not that each of these problems have a difinitive "right way to fix" or perfect resolution....but we find the answers within the struggle, in doing the work of trying to figure it all out.
You're on the right path! Stick with each new little road you are building. From tiny acorns mighty oaks do grow!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Going no contact gives you power back. I have been no contact for over a year and am in the process of divorcing. Each step has been difficult but once done I can look back relieved and forward to my new life. Its funny but true, after a while, (I dont believe im saying this!!) you just stop caring. I cant imagine my STBEXAH in my life anymore and I am grateful that he and all his associated dramas are not, its peaceful and i enjoy my life so much more. Im not saying it hasnt taken time and ive been through all the emotions that you would expect, but i am out the other side and it feels sooo good. Good luck and try no contact, it really does help, they cant drag you in or down that way..Lilly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by Bernadette
I noticed the typo in your post title and it made me think....hmmmmmmm "can't take the shelfishness..."
Maybe you are ALLERGIC to shellfish and should stay away!!!!!
Everything you describe is normal! The anger, the recognition that you need to get your own life back, the confusion over how exactly to change yourself, the STRUGGLE! It's not that each of these problems have a difinitive "right way to fix" or perfect resolution....but we find the answers within the struggle, in doing the work of trying to figure it all out.
You're on the right path! Stick with each new little road you are building. From tiny acorns mighty oaks do grow!
peace-
b
Maybe you are ALLERGIC to shellfish and should stay away!!!!!
Everything you describe is normal! The anger, the recognition that you need to get your own life back, the confusion over how exactly to change yourself, the STRUGGLE! It's not that each of these problems have a difinitive "right way to fix" or perfect resolution....but we find the answers within the struggle, in doing the work of trying to figure it all out.
You're on the right path! Stick with each new little road you are building. From tiny acorns mighty oaks do grow!
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
[QUOTE=anvilhead;2604134]lulu.......just yesterday i had a lightbulb moment on NC...and why it is such a valuable tool for US. when we go no contact, it gives US the space and time WE need to sort out our feelings and thoughts, to work thru the anger, sadness, confusion without the continued interference from the SOURCE of our anger sadness confusion. NC has nothing to do with THEM.....it's a big beautiful protective barrier around OUR sensitivities, a fortress around our hearts and minds.
Anvil, there is not one redeeming quality about the non husband. Nothing but lies for years and still going. No caring, no love, no respect, only all about him. He didnt fulfill not one need of mine. Not one. I have to be honest to myself.
If I was passed out on the floor he would step over me to get to the fridge for beer. I was insane thinking HP can make him better. He has to want it to get better. My HP can only get me better and my hard work.
Nothing left for me to hang onto. I just wasted my time. But no more...I am already making plans for MY future. I will be "vacationing with friends" in the next few months and my cottage in the woods in a few months. A brand new start...I cant wait. All the sacrifices I made for him and to be with him will become my dream and soon reality..No more pain. No more sacrificing.
Hugs
Lulu
Anvil, there is not one redeeming quality about the non husband. Nothing but lies for years and still going. No caring, no love, no respect, only all about him. He didnt fulfill not one need of mine. Not one. I have to be honest to myself.
If I was passed out on the floor he would step over me to get to the fridge for beer. I was insane thinking HP can make him better. He has to want it to get better. My HP can only get me better and my hard work.
Nothing left for me to hang onto. I just wasted my time. But no more...I am already making plans for MY future. I will be "vacationing with friends" in the next few months and my cottage in the woods in a few months. A brand new start...I cant wait. All the sacrifices I made for him and to be with him will become my dream and soon reality..No more pain. No more sacrificing.
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I will be "vacationing with friends" in the next few months and my cottage in the woods in a few months.
Oooooooooooh! Cottage in the woods!!?? I am jealous.
Sounds great. Excellent use of YOUR time and energy. Go where the serenity and peace are!!!!
peace-
b
Oooooooooooh! Cottage in the woods!!?? I am jealous.
Sounds great. Excellent use of YOUR time and energy. Go where the serenity and peace are!!!!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by lulu1974
I do love my husband and believe he will get better one day. But sometimes I want to drive to his place and throw him out the window. Last week he calls me and to call him out of work as he was sick. He never really gets sick and never asks me to do that. I checked in on him a few times making sure he is ok. Today I am not feeling well so I email him. Shockingly I got no response. Its just madness.
I need to go no contact again but I need to know how to do that. I guess calling my sponsor nightly may help me. I really did want to reconcile one day but I am really tired of being a doormat. I was a doormat in the marriage and a doormat while separated.
He treats me like a piece of dirt when I am his wife. I am just beaten down and tired of this. I want to believe his HP can heal him but losing faith.
I guess I am ready to write my life story with him as my therapist recommended. Maybe Lifetime TV will pick it up. I need no contact and not just for a month!! Right now I am so envious of the people who have passed through this phase and have no contact. I need a life again. Thanks for listening
Hugs
Lulu
I need to go no contact again but I need to know how to do that. I guess calling my sponsor nightly may help me. I really did want to reconcile one day but I am really tired of being a doormat. I was a doormat in the marriage and a doormat while separated.
He treats me like a piece of dirt when I am his wife. I am just beaten down and tired of this. I want to believe his HP can heal him but losing faith.
I guess I am ready to write my life story with him as my therapist recommended. Maybe Lifetime TV will pick it up. I need no contact and not just for a month!! Right now I am so envious of the people who have passed through this phase and have no contact. I need a life again. Thanks for listening
Hugs
Lulu
I think often when you go no contact, when they do achieve contact again for whatever reason, they will treat you even more terribly. I've been gone from my relationship for over a year and my ex A treats me more brutally than ever. Not a stitch of improvement.
I feel for you, but it's so true what they say about no contact.
Really though, if there aren't children involved and anyone on here has a relationship that was in any way similar to mine (and I'm sure many do) then I simply cannot fathom not walking away forever. My ex got nothing but support, love, a shoulder to cry on, money etc. etc. out of our relationship and all I got was a living hell.
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