hopeful4

Good Afternoon,

So my husband went to inpatient treatment center for 30 days to get off alcohol. He is doing great on that. Problem is, I thought he would come back different. He has in some ways, others not so much. He is still lazy, still cannot respect that I am trying to not be so co-dependent, has a bad temper and in general I wish he would leave. I was so scared for me and my little girls to be without him when he left. We ended up finding out life was not so bad w/out him. Now I wish he was gone. There, I said it.

I know that is not the right thing to do for my girls and really confusing for him, but I cannot help it. I dont think I can ever get those feelings back for him. I just dont. I do pity him, he lost his job when he went to rehab which was crappy. Now would have to live w/his mom, lose his car (I cannot pay for all of it), etc. etc.....

Maybe I am just depressed today, I dont know. I work all day and should have a relaxing atmosphere at home and instead I am a tense mess b/c I literally wish he would go away! O well, it is what it is. Thank you for listening and for your support...

dollydo

I sure do understand, been there, done that. Finally decided I could not live with him, not for one more moment. I am soooo much happier and at peace!

You'll figure out what's best for you and your children.

Keep posting and reading, it will help you to see the way!

naive

i can relate, hopeful.

after awhile, it wasn't the drunk that i couldn't live with, it was the man himself.

i got tired of having to:

1. wash the kitchen floor after he cooked;
2. his waste: he would throw out food, throw away dirty socks, etc.
3. the constant cup of tea: he drank tea as obsessively as he drank. middle of the night, cup of tea.
4. the insomnia: kept me up all hours and then woke me early.
5.the lack of maintenance: our car, our bikes, our house...none of it was maintained and if i tried to maintain them, the £10 was always fought over because it meant 3 pints to him.
6. the depression and boredom: bored, bored, bored. didn't read, didn't have hobbies, didn't want to go for a hike, didn't want to go for a swim, didn't want to play tennis, etc.

obviously, i'm not talking about the drunken rage, the lies, the cheating. but when it got down to issues of co-habitating, it wasn't going on. just wanted him gone so that i could sleep and cook healthy food that didn't have lard in it.

sorry about the rant. just saying, i understand.

naive

Tally

Totally understand and can relate 100% with everything you've said hopeful4 (you too Naive). There will come a time when you just CAN'T stand it any more.

The xabf used to visit his parents alot. I always dreaded him going thinking I couldn't cope without him. The minute he was out the door the air was lighter, the tension completely gone. No walking on eggshells, no trying to make him happy, no being quiet cos he was sleeping during the day, no sweeping his facial hair off the floor from where he'd shaved and just left it there...no soggy tea bags on the worktops leaving stains...no sweaty bed sheets...Then he'd come back and for the first evening it would be ok and then the tension would return. I ended up completely filled to the brim with venom because EVERY thing about him made me angry, irritated me...even when he was being nice.

You'll know when the time is right but please don't think staying with him will benefit your daughter. All I taught mine is that it was ok to stay with someone who treated you badly and that tension and unhappiness was normal. The last thing I want for my daughter is to have a broken picker with regards to men, because I have.

affinity

I So appreciate you sharing this. Thank you.
My husband is going to a treatment center at the end of the month.

I had a few thought reading this

My mom stayed with my dad till we were grown up and out of the house and I know she thought "it is what is best for the kids". Simply put, it is NOT always what is best for the kids. He will always be their dad, and the respect they have for him now and will have later, is up to him. By 8 yrs old I was fully aware that my mom and my life would be better without all the fighting and for the following 10 years I begged her to leave him, til I DID. I also know that divorce is awful for a child, my niece is 4yrs old and has been going through it for 2 years, it is sad. However the joy in her mom is her stability... I know her future is brighter than it was before.

Anyway, I have no idea, and won't pretend to know. But it does sound like more time apart could be good for both of you and better for the kids to not be around a "bad temper". What about separation, while you continue to work on you and he himself? .. It's too bad his mom would take him in, with his own rent to pay he would be getting his move on, and quit being lazy (I'm very thankful my AH is not lazy.. lazyness bothers me soooo much)
My guess is it will take continual actions towards bettering himself, ones you can see, for you to feel any different about him than you do right now when you look at him. From the time he was gone, you already know feeling good and enjoying your life is apart from him. You are strong, you don't want him to burden your life and I'm sure a lot to do with that urge for him to just leave is that you know he has no right to burden you, or weigh you down in anyway, anymore. You are only responsible for your own actions...not his, including his temper tantrums and depression.

I took a deep breath when my husband starting taking antibuse. For about a month I felt great from the lift of worry alone. That faded and I have spent the past couple years dealing with the real emotions that got ignored because the focus was on fear of the consequences of his drinking for all of us. It is great for him to be dry(er) but so many other things start sprouting up (including looking at him with zero desire to be with him, wondering if I could turn off a switch and walk away). Taking pill that will make you sick if you drink or a month dry from rehab/detox is the same in removing the drink.. we don't disregard how big that is for them but I think there is LOTS of work ahead.

My husband is still taking the antibuse. He was in therapy for a year,,,, and during that year started smoking pot. He rarely goes to AA, ditched the therapist and when he smokes he smokes A LOT. He has had many sober days from pot too, anywhere from 4-18 days in a row on his attempts to quit. Three times this year has stopped taking the anitbuse just for a good ol binge drinking session, they lasted 2 - 3 days till he looked like death and was filled with remorse and regret and took up his pills again. He needs real desire, real help and needs to work hard... not that little pill.
I'm happy he is not lost in his drinking all of the time anymore, but pot sucks too. I don't play games with him anymore, he doesn't get to manipulate me, I don't feel like my world is falling apart when he falls apart and I'm not sure what it will be like when he goes through treatment but I do have hope for our future.

Sorry, I rambled ..many thoughts came from reading your post.

Thanks again for sharing.

Pelican

Have you tried Alanon meetings? It helped me to have face to face support with folks that know what living with alcoholism means, even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking.

You are not a prisoner of your husband's alcoholism. You and your children deserve to live in a home filled with hope, serenity and love. If you are not getting that now, time to make changes.

You wrote:
Now would have to live w/his mom, lose his car (I cannot pay for all of it), etc. etc.....
You are not responsible for the consequences of his behavior. He is an adult. He can find work, housing, transportation, etc.

Pelican

You faced your fear at that time and walked through it. You came out stronger for the experience. Now you know what you want.

This is your life. You can change your mind about having him in the home while he continues his recovery (if there is any).

aboutdone

I feel ya. Check out my recent post if you want. My background, is AH left me 2 weeks before I delivered our daughter. Blamed me for everything. Was out drinking, being irresponsible, chasing women, and left me with no money or anything. It came to a head when baby girl was about 6 wks old, and I told him not to ever talk to me again, unless he got some help.

He went to rehab for 28 days, rehab was tough, I went almost daily, and sat beside him, I have attended AA, and Al Anon. I have fully supported his sobriety.

The first 2 months out of rehab he was that changed man you are talking about. He did everything, he bought flowers, he cleaned up after himself, he was a true friend. Only because I had filed for divorce and he thought he was losing me.

The last year has been tough, our divorce was final in November, and there is alot more to the story, however today, I feel I ended it.

Sometimes, it is just the person. You know they say the brain and emotional state is arrested at the age the alcoholism started. In my case the XH started drinking at 18. And honestly most days he acts 18. Irresponsible, and always blaming someone else for his shortcomings.

They do quickly forget all they learned in rehab if they aren't strongly working a program, and depending on if they truly worked their steps or if they just went through the steps.

In my case the XRAH, has regressed back to the selfish man, throwing a constant pity party. Doesn't want to be financially responsible, for me or the family, not available emotionally, but oh, physically, he just wants me to be his booty call.

He is also very jealous of my children from a previous marriage, and it is so juvenile, but my 6yo has a toy guitar she ADORES, and everytime I turn around we are looking for it, and find it in the strangest places, like high up in a closet, way back underneath a bed, and no one ever knows how it got there. Today, after I told him to leave my home, I was cleaning my room, where the kids never play, and sandwiched in between a bunch of sheets and blankets was her guitar. I think it is pretty obvious she didn't do it, and was so excited to get it back.

So for me my list is this.

1. No more of his hiding my kids toys just for spite.
2. No more messy kitchen after he is done there.
3. No more hairs stuck in my bathroom sink after he shaves.
4. No more of his clothes piled everywhere in my room.
5. No more of him endlessly telling me I don't know how to parent.
6. No more of him mooching off of me.
7. No more of his deceitful tactics to attack my sanity.
8. No more of the arguments about how he should act 42, not 18.
9. No more of my children learning to make faces behind my back from him.
10. No more of the complete and total chaos my home has been in lately from my kids to the complete disarray of all our belongings.

Goodbye, and Good Riddance.

Oops, and one more, no more hearing " I was going to do this or that, you just started nagging me before I could do it".......ya, right!!!

hopeful4

Thank you so much for your responses. I knew there were others out there that feel like I do. I guess this has all made me do some soul searching and I can see the way it is going. I am scared and am not going to make any snap decisions (as I have always been known to do). As horrible as this is to say, I think it will all happen w/out me having to do anything at all. I will be surprised if he does not mess this all up for himself. I made it crystal clear this is a last chance type thing so I guess that is why I have guilt about not making it work on my end. It is just like the other post said, rehab does not change his personality.

Now, he has never done mean things to my kids like hide their stuff or anything like that. He is short w/them and has said things in a harsh way which makes me mad enough in itself. Like the above post, I think no matter what he does at this point I will be disgusted with him.

I do not attend Alanon, but do attend Celebrate Recovery which has an entire "section" for lack of better terms for codies. Thank goodness. It is a great thing and I have met wonderful people there who support me through this mess.

Thank you again for your responses and your own stories. It helps to hear and it helps to know someone else is out there.

God Bless, have a nice weekend!