Codie Guidance Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Codie Guidance Please
Hi All!
Cinderallwkids thread, “Facing my Reality” hit a lot of home truths! Reading it brought up something for me and didn’t want to hijack her thread.
I’m not sure if this is OT or not. It is OT as it’s not directly to do with dealing with addiction, but it is about codependency.
Those old behaviors that Cinderella talked about in her post still, at times, come up for me, and I am looking for some guidance about boundaries/taking care of myself vs. being self-involved for a current situation I am facing and can't seem to unravel for myself, so I thought - why not ask for some good honest ES&H!
In my life at the moment I am hopefully (fingers crossed as it’s a short-sale) going to be closing on a house next week
. That means packing and moving during this next month, as well as taking care of some things at the new house (some termite issues, etc.). During this time I still will have to work and in fact have 2 more part-time jobs coming online. I need the work, obviously! Funds are being depleted!
In the midst of all this moving stuff, I have 3 family things I need to do by end of June, but one is giving me difficulties. All will cost me $ - either gas, or gas and an airline ticket, etc… So, in general the $ is making my head hurt!!!
This is the situation I’m feeling muddled about - I am feeling pressure and guilty for not wanting to go to my niece’s high-school graduation. The timing is right in the middle of the month, middle of packing and moving, the $ to get down to see it, taking time off work that will cost $ (I don’t have paid vacation – no work no pay), the gift (which I will send anyway but also costs $), and then there’s simply that I love my step-sister and niece, but frankly I don’t want to get too close to them again.
As background about this relationship – I have not been close to my step-sister for years. We once were, I would take my time and $ and fly down to see her and stay with my niece to give her a break, etc. however after she repeatedly proved that she was unable or unwilling to be a friend and sister to me when it wasn’t convenient for her and I kept feeling hurt, I stepped back and detached from her. It was fine for her, she didn’t even notice when she was dating and then married her “guy” – but when that blew up (in a very dramatic and horrid way, of course) she started reaching out again. I don’t hold a grudge or ill-will towards her, she’s just not capable, and truthfully I’m sure I went out of my way and overstretched to be her sister out of “codiness” and that wasn’t healthy either. I do not want to encourage a more close relationship because she is constant drama, victimized, etc. and since stepping back, I feel much more peaceful in my life. I could go on and on here, but you get the idea.
So, what am I doing? Am I being a snot? Am I being smart and looking out after myself wanting to stay away? Am I simply being responsible knowing that I only have so much $ and am now taking on a huge responsibility that I need to take seriously? Do I go because that’s the right thing to do? Is this me being selfish and not being willing to put myself out there for someone else? Is this recognizing that my plate is full and I do have my own responsibilities and sometimes we do have to say no, not this time?
I look forward to your ES&H, and thank you!
((hugs))
Cinderallwkids thread, “Facing my Reality” hit a lot of home truths! Reading it brought up something for me and didn’t want to hijack her thread.
I’m not sure if this is OT or not. It is OT as it’s not directly to do with dealing with addiction, but it is about codependency.
Those old behaviors that Cinderella talked about in her post still, at times, come up for me, and I am looking for some guidance about boundaries/taking care of myself vs. being self-involved for a current situation I am facing and can't seem to unravel for myself, so I thought - why not ask for some good honest ES&H!
In my life at the moment I am hopefully (fingers crossed as it’s a short-sale) going to be closing on a house next week
. That means packing and moving during this next month, as well as taking care of some things at the new house (some termite issues, etc.). During this time I still will have to work and in fact have 2 more part-time jobs coming online. I need the work, obviously! Funds are being depleted!In the midst of all this moving stuff, I have 3 family things I need to do by end of June, but one is giving me difficulties. All will cost me $ - either gas, or gas and an airline ticket, etc… So, in general the $ is making my head hurt!!!
This is the situation I’m feeling muddled about - I am feeling pressure and guilty for not wanting to go to my niece’s high-school graduation. The timing is right in the middle of the month, middle of packing and moving, the $ to get down to see it, taking time off work that will cost $ (I don’t have paid vacation – no work no pay), the gift (which I will send anyway but also costs $), and then there’s simply that I love my step-sister and niece, but frankly I don’t want to get too close to them again.
As background about this relationship – I have not been close to my step-sister for years. We once were, I would take my time and $ and fly down to see her and stay with my niece to give her a break, etc. however after she repeatedly proved that she was unable or unwilling to be a friend and sister to me when it wasn’t convenient for her and I kept feeling hurt, I stepped back and detached from her. It was fine for her, she didn’t even notice when she was dating and then married her “guy” – but when that blew up (in a very dramatic and horrid way, of course) she started reaching out again. I don’t hold a grudge or ill-will towards her, she’s just not capable, and truthfully I’m sure I went out of my way and overstretched to be her sister out of “codiness” and that wasn’t healthy either. I do not want to encourage a more close relationship because she is constant drama, victimized, etc. and since stepping back, I feel much more peaceful in my life. I could go on and on here, but you get the idea.
So, what am I doing? Am I being a snot? Am I being smart and looking out after myself wanting to stay away? Am I simply being responsible knowing that I only have so much $ and am now taking on a huge responsibility that I need to take seriously? Do I go because that’s the right thing to do? Is this me being selfish and not being willing to put myself out there for someone else? Is this recognizing that my plate is full and I do have my own responsibilities and sometimes we do have to say no, not this time?
I look forward to your ES&H, and thank you!
((hugs))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Recovery helped me see clearly who my real friends were and who were better left drifting away.
We get to choose what is healthy for us. And we don't have to let guilt guide us anymore. If this sister-in-law is a fair-weathered friend, you can stay civil to her but don't have to rekindle a friendship that no longer exists.
My thoughts on this graduation is to send a gift that is meaningful but affordable for you, along with a nice card with a personal note wishing her well and congratulating her, and your regrets that you cannot attend. That's enough, more than enough, and if it's not enough for her, then nothing would be enough anyway.
Good luck, you sound struggling with this, and I hope you work it out in a way that is healthy and affordable for YOU.
Hugs
We get to choose what is healthy for us. And we don't have to let guilt guide us anymore. If this sister-in-law is a fair-weathered friend, you can stay civil to her but don't have to rekindle a friendship that no longer exists.
My thoughts on this graduation is to send a gift that is meaningful but affordable for you, along with a nice card with a personal note wishing her well and congratulating her, and your regrets that you cannot attend. That's enough, more than enough, and if it's not enough for her, then nothing would be enough anyway.
Good luck, you sound struggling with this, and I hope you work it out in a way that is healthy and affordable for YOU.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I see it now - the "magic" word. Guilt crops up and muddleness ensues!
I think that I struggle because I do feel bad that I really can't afford to take on all this right now, and even if I could, I think I don't WANT to take them (step-sister & niece) on again either - and so I feel unclear (selfish vs. self care). My step-sister, her siblings and her mom (lifelong alcoholic) were very difficult for me growing up and one more key step on my road to being a raving codependent!
My Dad sure knew how to pick 'em
I think that I struggle because I do feel bad that I really can't afford to take on all this right now, and even if I could, I think I don't WANT to take them (step-sister & niece) on again either - and so I feel unclear (selfish vs. self care). My step-sister, her siblings and her mom (lifelong alcoholic) were very difficult for me growing up and one more key step on my road to being a raving codependent!
My Dad sure knew how to pick 'em
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Take the $ that you would have spent on gas/tickets/travel/loss of work/etc amd send YOUR NIECE an extra special grad gift. Write a heartfelt email/card/letter explaining that you simply cannot be there because of commitments, work or whatever. Saves you time, all grad's love $, PARENTS love for their grad's to get $ to help with college stuff. That's it, end of story.
.....just my humble opinion. Seems like making the trip could cause drama all around!
.....just my humble opinion. Seems like making the trip could cause drama all around!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
BayArea...
Aahhh yes...the 'guilts'. Trying to do the 'right thing' even when we don't want to.
Its okay to say 'no'. It's okay to do whats right for you. And a TRUE friend would completely understand and appreciate the gesture. If your failure to attend will cause hard feelings...Well...it isn't a relationship worth nurturing anyway...JMHO.
I love the idea of sending a nice card with a nice note and a gift you can afford.
Aahhh yes...the 'guilts'. Trying to do the 'right thing' even when we don't want to.
Its okay to say 'no'. It's okay to do whats right for you. And a TRUE friend would completely understand and appreciate the gesture. If your failure to attend will cause hard feelings...Well...it isn't a relationship worth nurturing anyway...JMHO.
I love the idea of sending a nice card with a nice note and a gift you can afford.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Boundaries- by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Bay- You’ve been a caretaker for your family for a long time.
You would be there for you niece. But this is a busy time for you. Also a time for- Bay to celebrate!! Relish it!! Enjoy it!!
This will be your home, with your new family.
I am so excited for you!! A new beginning. How about starting it, with the focus on you? Your immediate family- not childhood one!
“…if we say yes to God or anyone else when we really mean no, we move into a position of compliance. And that is the same as lying. Our lips say yes, but our hearts (and often our half-hearted actions) say no.”
You would be there for you niece. But this is a busy time for you. Also a time for- Bay to celebrate!! Relish it!! Enjoy it!!
This will be your home, with your new family.
I am so excited for you!! A new beginning. How about starting it, with the focus on you? Your immediate family- not childhood one!
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I agree with all about using some of the money you would have spent traveling, and just send a nice gift and card instead.
Personally, I don't even REMEMBER who made it to my graduation!! I know my folks were there, but that's it! She just wants her Diploma...and OUT OF THERE!! Then she'll be off with her friends, as she should be.
Send a gift, call it lovely...and just feel good about saying "no" when you mean to.
Personally, I don't even REMEMBER who made it to my graduation!! I know my folks were there, but that's it! She just wants her Diploma...and OUT OF THERE!! Then she'll be off with her friends, as she should be.
Send a gift, call it lovely...and just feel good about saying "no" when you mean to.
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