Give A Damn
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Give A Damn
Mmmm, the last few weeks it seems Im getting more depressed. Im not even sure how to explain it but its like I dont give a damn anymore. Remember Im the strong one of the family who is suppose to be there for everyone else all the time. To be honest I dont want to be that anymore as Im the one who needs someone to hold on to for a change. But you see the two closest people in my life have betrayed me. My sister died nearly 6 months ago and my partner (another story) have left me feeling very much alone. Most of the time I manage things, you know, the whatever! deal with it and move on. I come in the forums and tell people its going to be ok, pretty much a hippicrit hey, as Im finding I cant even take my own advise. This time its different though, its like I dont want to be here anymore, what reasons, who for, how come. I look in the mirror and see a very unhappy woman who has just survived, lived, worked and been everybodies mother. I just wanted to be me, (just jo) whoever that is and I think at my age now, its kind of too late. Not sure if I want to start over again, maybe I could but Im tired now. As dumb as it sounds I actually went to the doctor but when I was sitting in front of him I didnt have the nerve to tell him I was depressed. Thats the stupid - "Im ok" person inside of me, so Im thinking now that Ive posted this do I erase it or leave.
For once in my life Im going to leave it. And to be honest I dont even know who to or why Im posting this. Maybe I just need some sympathy for a change.
For once in my life Im going to leave it. And to be honest I dont even know who to or why Im posting this. Maybe I just need some sympathy for a change.
Justjo...
I hear your pain...and I care. :ghug3
Life is beautiful and so worth fighting for... this is YOUR life.... do what makes YOU happy.... the only thing holding you back now is yourself.
You're in my prayers.
I hear your pain...and I care. :ghug3
Life is beautiful and so worth fighting for... this is YOUR life.... do what makes YOU happy.... the only thing holding you back now is yourself.
You're in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi and welcome to the truth.
Sounds like an honest post. Glad you came here and posted and left it.
You are going through a rough time. You may be depressed, you may just be sad that you are separated from those you love. Give yourself a break and talk or read or whatever you want.
I am a reasonably strong person. Been through a lot and some days I do what need to and others I just sit. (well actually I play a lot of arcade) The point is to take your time to heal and move forward. There is no timetable for that. If you are normally a bounce back person, you will come around in your time.
If another's journey helps - I come around to my old self for a day or two so I know I am still there. So I don't worry about the other days b/c I know I will be back.
Sounds like an honest post. Glad you came here and posted and left it.
You are going through a rough time. You may be depressed, you may just be sad that you are separated from those you love. Give yourself a break and talk or read or whatever you want.
I am a reasonably strong person. Been through a lot and some days I do what need to and others I just sit. (well actually I play a lot of arcade) The point is to take your time to heal and move forward. There is no timetable for that. If you are normally a bounce back person, you will come around in your time.
If another's journey helps - I come around to my old self for a day or two so I know I am still there. So I don't worry about the other days b/c I know I will be back.
Oh, dear Jo, when us, so called "strong ones" just want to sag limply for a while, it shocks us completely, doesn't it. I thought I had lost myself.....where, did that woman I thought I was, disappear too, and who is this wimpy, snivelling, scrunched up old lady looking back from my mirror?
From being positive and forward looking, to negative, miserable and afraid to look behind or ahead of us.
Took me a while before I told my GP how I felt, and she was wonderful. Not just given anti-depressants but helpful advice, loving support and therapy.
Take all the courage you can muster and tell your GP what you really feel like, and get help ASAP. Not doing anything just adds to the misery, prolongs it's lifespan and hurts you even more.
God bless
From being positive and forward looking, to negative, miserable and afraid to look behind or ahead of us.
Took me a while before I told my GP how I felt, and she was wonderful. Not just given anti-depressants but helpful advice, loving support and therapy.
Take all the courage you can muster and tell your GP what you really feel like, and get help ASAP. Not doing anything just adds to the misery, prolongs it's lifespan and hurts you even more.
God bless
Hi jo....This is my message to you, is offered with love and respect.
When I was depressed years ago I failed realize it. The awareness to see how things _really_ are is a gift. Sharing here is a good start.
After always being the one to take care of others, I finally learned in a painful way that like you ...
I had to make some changes & learn to place the same (or even greater) value upon my self and decide to attend to justme
Sometimes I switch how I'm feeling about myself as if it was not about me but someone else...that's oftentimes how I can catch myself slipping away from where I want to be.
So here goes: I can pretty much guarantee that if my name was listed as the writer of your post---- I believe that you would tell me that I'm worth taking care of, that I'm worth being treated well by others and that I deserve that same attention I so freely give to others.
I'm so sorry you are sad but I'm also happy that you're sharing and reaching out. Please forgive my bad memory...but do you go to Alanon? Once my 'reasons' for being there were about the people in my life and soon afterwards my 'reason' for going was not about what 'they' were doing but instead for myself. You see, whether they got better or not- I was still left with the me that was so entwined with everything else to my own hurt. That burden is too great for me to carry. When that shift of my attentions happened; I began to find some relief and although I still have a ways to go towards taking proper care of 'justme' I find it's more than worth it. I'm worth it and so are you.
I hope you find some peace and maybe at least tell the doc how you really are...especially if you continue to feel this sadness.
Sending some extra hugs your way: (((justjo)))
When I was depressed years ago I failed realize it. The awareness to see how things _really_ are is a gift. Sharing here is a good start.
After always being the one to take care of others, I finally learned in a painful way that like you ...
Im the strong one of the family who is suppose to be there for everyone else all the time
Sometimes I switch how I'm feeling about myself as if it was not about me but someone else...that's oftentimes how I can catch myself slipping away from where I want to be.
So here goes: I can pretty much guarantee that if my name was listed as the writer of your post---- I believe that you would tell me that I'm worth taking care of, that I'm worth being treated well by others and that I deserve that same attention I so freely give to others.
I'm so sorry you are sad but I'm also happy that you're sharing and reaching out. Please forgive my bad memory...but do you go to Alanon? Once my 'reasons' for being there were about the people in my life and soon afterwards my 'reason' for going was not about what 'they' were doing but instead for myself. You see, whether they got better or not- I was still left with the me that was so entwined with everything else to my own hurt. That burden is too great for me to carry. When that shift of my attentions happened; I began to find some relief and although I still have a ways to go towards taking proper care of 'justme' I find it's more than worth it. I'm worth it and so are you.
I hope you find some peace and maybe at least tell the doc how you really are...especially if you continue to feel this sadness.
Sending some extra hugs your way: (((justjo)))
My counsellor gave me such wonderful news the last time I saw her and broke down about not recognizing myself or knowing who I am. The gist of it was: You don't need to find her all at once. Most people don't. We learn, we grow, we evolve, we find ourselves here and there. Don't try to force it. Don't work on finding you all the time. Take a breather, relax, play with your son, allow yourself to be silly with and for him like you weren't able to while actively dealing with your AH. You'll catch glimpses of yourself. Those glimpses will help you see the whole.
It's never too late to find and love yourself. While I still have to remind myself it's OK, I'm now so much better at making time for myself, because it really is the best thing for me and my son.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Trouble is, I dont even know what makes me happy anymore or if I ever was. I seem to go with the flow, find it hard to tell people I love whats really on my mind. You know, dont want to upset anyone or rock the boat. Im the support system remember.
Ive thought about my life, was I really there? Sure, got up in the morning, went to work, did the whatevers that needed doing and went to bed. I never demanded anything from anyone, dont have a whole lot of friends, cant tell my mother whats really on my mind (cos oh boy she cant see me upset). Sometimes (like cmc said) Sometimes I switch how I'm feeling about myself as if it was not about me but someone else...that's oftentimes how I can catch myself slipping away from where I want to be.
this is how I feel -Usually when Ive been hurt in the past Id use that switch on/off but right now that switch is ON. Im feeling it all - everything in the past, family, crisis, death and pain, all the hurt and for once I dont know how to deal with it. Im angry at them, sorry doesnt even cut it anymore.
Why on earth couldnt either one of my parents ever tell me they loved me, why couldnt they show affection. So many alcoholics in my family, Im wondering whether I am too. But stop, not me, Im the straight one remember, the one with no problems. Years of dealing with my sister and son with addictions and she goes and dies. Im sad because I wont grow old with her, I worry about my kids all the time but also know that I cant control any of it. Maybe I just need time, I need time off from it all but how do I escape.
Ive thought about my life, was I really there? Sure, got up in the morning, went to work, did the whatevers that needed doing and went to bed. I never demanded anything from anyone, dont have a whole lot of friends, cant tell my mother whats really on my mind (cos oh boy she cant see me upset). Sometimes (like cmc said) Sometimes I switch how I'm feeling about myself as if it was not about me but someone else...that's oftentimes how I can catch myself slipping away from where I want to be.
this is how I feel -Usually when Ive been hurt in the past Id use that switch on/off but right now that switch is ON. Im feeling it all - everything in the past, family, crisis, death and pain, all the hurt and for once I dont know how to deal with it. Im angry at them, sorry doesnt even cut it anymore.
Why on earth couldnt either one of my parents ever tell me they loved me, why couldnt they show affection. So many alcoholics in my family, Im wondering whether I am too. But stop, not me, Im the straight one remember, the one with no problems. Years of dealing with my sister and son with addictions and she goes and dies. Im sad because I wont grow old with her, I worry about my kids all the time but also know that I cant control any of it. Maybe I just need time, I need time off from it all but how do I escape.
You better talk to your HP. In other word, you should not think about only yourself. It may abuse yourself. You should think about outside yourself. You are a part of outside yourself. I like beaches in South Australia. I often go to Glenelg. I surf in Seaford.
I'm still trying different things that friends or family said they like to do. Slowly, I'm finding stuff I enjoy and would like to keep doing. Sometimes I even find something new without any one's help. Sometimes, it's just closing my door, turning on music and reading.
It's hard to start feeling again when I'd shut down for so long. I think it kind of went hand in hand with taking time for myself. I'm still trying to figure out what helped me turn the emotions back on, so I can't offer anything there. Most likely it's different for everyone anyway...?
Do you have any hobbies? (Music, gardening, flowers, writing) If you have any books in your house.. look at the titles see if there is a common theme. Do you like magazines? If so.. which ones? Do you like to decorate? cook?
Many times when people don't know what to do... volunteer... at a children's hospital or an older folks home... they don't get much company and appreciate anyone visiting. This helps them and helps you get your mind off of anything troubling you.... it's a win-win!
Why on earth couldnt either one of my parents ever tell me they loved me, why couldnt they show affection.
So many alcoholics in my family, Im wondering whether I am too. But stop, not me, Im the straight one remember, the one with no problems.
Years of dealing with my sister and son with addictions and she goes and dies. Im sad because I wont grow old with her, I worry about my kids all the time but also know that I cant control any of it.
Maybe I just need time, I need time off from it all but how do I escape
You have managed everyone around you.... except you.... maybe you will find peace when you begin to take care of you.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
(((Hugs))) Justjo - I hear you. I am exactly where you are at, exactly (just posted 2 very similar posts over on the acao board). I understand the complete and utter exhaustion, especially when you have carried very large loads for a long, long time. Loads of good advice above.
I finally, finally get this (I think)
Even yesterday, if I had read this I would have taken deep, deep offence - what do you mean I'd have ranted - I think about everyone but myself.
Today, I realise for the first time ever that this type of thinking has hammered me deeper and deeper and deeper into the ground - like a tent peg getting driven deep in the earth.
Maybe, just maybe if I reach out around me, like a plant sending out roots into the soil, I'll be able to spread the load - the blows will still come but their force will not be driven down through one point ie me - their force will dissipate through the many roots I have sent out.
Posting here is one root, a visit to the doctor is another root, a hot bubble bath a third root, a visit to a beautiful beach (or looking at a picture) a fourth root and so on.
I too understand the need for a holiday. I haven't had a holiday in over 2 years and don't know when, if ever, we will manage another holiday. This is huge for me - I didn't realise what a big part of my coping strategies holidays were until I could no longer go on holiday. So I just have to find another coping strategy - much easier said than done.
Hth, (((hugs))) and thanks again Ninja
Even yesterday, if I had read this I would have taken deep, deep offence - what do you mean I'd have ranted - I think about everyone but myself.
Today, I realise for the first time ever that this type of thinking has hammered me deeper and deeper and deeper into the ground - like a tent peg getting driven deep in the earth.
Maybe, just maybe if I reach out around me, like a plant sending out roots into the soil, I'll be able to spread the load - the blows will still come but their force will not be driven down through one point ie me - their force will dissipate through the many roots I have sent out.
Posting here is one root, a visit to the doctor is another root, a hot bubble bath a third root, a visit to a beautiful beach (or looking at a picture) a fourth root and so on.
I too understand the need for a holiday. I haven't had a holiday in over 2 years and don't know when, if ever, we will manage another holiday. This is huge for me - I didn't realise what a big part of my coping strategies holidays were until I could no longer go on holiday. So I just have to find another coping strategy - much easier said than done.
Hth, (((hugs))) and thanks again Ninja
Hi Jo, justJo,
reading this thread I figured that even if it doesn't seem so, you're at the positive place right now. As you are giving youself a break. You're not pushing yourself forward any longer. And I find that to be a great place from which you can find your real self, dicover who you are and what do you really want to do. I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm definetelly saying you're closer to it than before when you've convineced yourself you're fine and kept on being strong, and there for everyone but yourself, so much that you've lost yourself in the process.
I was kind of mentaly in the same place not that long ago, nothing flet right, I was so tired of everything and it felt like my life is falling apart, I dind't know who I am any more, what makes me happy, what I want to do, nothing made any sense any more. It felt terrible. But now when I look back I see it as a place in which I allowed myself to free my self from my delusins, my fears, my ideas of what life should be.
I gave myself some time, doing nothing but playing arcade games for days with no end, like there is nothing else in the world, and than at some point I was able to look back at myself and start on making an personal inventory. For the first time ever I was honest with myself, I dropped down my guards, my protective shiled (that turnes out was only hurting me), I questioned the things I was always very deffensive about, and my paradigms on life as well, with the help of lovely people here.
I'm not much further down that road right now, but it feels good, like I'm reborn. I guess you could say in order to become someone else (or new me, or real me) I had to stop being how I was (or who I made myself to be).
It's a process and very hard one too, but it's wortwhile. A process of grieving my old life and all things lost in it, and finding ways to a new life.
In the beginning it helped me to make myself do things that sounded as something I should be enjoying, and some time later I did acctually start enjoying them.
I believe you did a huge step by admitting you're not as strong and fine as you wanted yourself to think, you can permit yourself now to take a break from everything you felt is right and give your self a permission to work on a new you.
Best of luck
reading this thread I figured that even if it doesn't seem so, you're at the positive place right now. As you are giving youself a break. You're not pushing yourself forward any longer. And I find that to be a great place from which you can find your real self, dicover who you are and what do you really want to do. I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm definetelly saying you're closer to it than before when you've convineced yourself you're fine and kept on being strong, and there for everyone but yourself, so much that you've lost yourself in the process.
I was kind of mentaly in the same place not that long ago, nothing flet right, I was so tired of everything and it felt like my life is falling apart, I dind't know who I am any more, what makes me happy, what I want to do, nothing made any sense any more. It felt terrible. But now when I look back I see it as a place in which I allowed myself to free my self from my delusins, my fears, my ideas of what life should be.
I gave myself some time, doing nothing but playing arcade games for days with no end, like there is nothing else in the world, and than at some point I was able to look back at myself and start on making an personal inventory. For the first time ever I was honest with myself, I dropped down my guards, my protective shiled (that turnes out was only hurting me), I questioned the things I was always very deffensive about, and my paradigms on life as well, with the help of lovely people here.
I'm not much further down that road right now, but it feels good, like I'm reborn. I guess you could say in order to become someone else (or new me, or real me) I had to stop being how I was (or who I made myself to be).
It's a process and very hard one too, but it's wortwhile. A process of grieving my old life and all things lost in it, and finding ways to a new life.
In the beginning it helped me to make myself do things that sounded as something I should be enjoying, and some time later I did acctually start enjoying them.
I believe you did a huge step by admitting you're not as strong and fine as you wanted yourself to think, you can permit yourself now to take a break from everything you felt is right and give your self a permission to work on a new you.
Best of luck
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
You guys sure know how to get me crying (you all heard me!! - its so nice) Didnt actually care that I was feeling sorry for myself - I needed it. So often I bottle it all up and dont say too much. Even now _ I just want to call my mother and say 'can we have a good talk' but I cant even get myself to do it because I know the emotions will come out and that scares me. Dont like showing emotions to anyone.
Im going to try and take some advice though and wrap it all up. I mean, start looking at me for a change, what I need to live peacefully. My biggest problem is 'forgiving' the ones I love right now as I dont know whether I can forgive them without leaving them. Its like if Im around them Im saying - its ok and Im not sure how to say its not. Right, Im not as strong as I think, need to be ok with saying whats on my mind and accept that if I upset someone, thats ok too.
Im going to try and take some advice though and wrap it all up. I mean, start looking at me for a change, what I need to live peacefully. My biggest problem is 'forgiving' the ones I love right now as I dont know whether I can forgive them without leaving them. Its like if Im around them Im saying - its ok and Im not sure how to say its not. Right, Im not as strong as I think, need to be ok with saying whats on my mind and accept that if I upset someone, thats ok too.
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
how about you start by dropping all these LABELS you put on yourself...
the Strong One
the Support System
cuz that's a set up, that lets you play a ROLE instead of BE a person.
so Just For Today, hang up the cape Superwoman.
time to get real, time to be Just YOU.
once you give yourself permission to not BE a role, to not BEHAVE in a certain expected and acceptable fashion........once you do that, you will be able to free OTHERS from that same expectation. you will begin to see that you have always done the best you could at the time. and so has everyone else.
thing is some days our BEST doesn't amount to doodly squat.
my mother fell far short of the IDEALS set forth for mothers.
but i know absolutely to my core today that i would not be who i am, a full half a century old, if not FOR my mom. i have come to appreciate so much in my life.
there is no one in your life as important as YOU. and you have no greater task before you than to BE. you have worth simply by existing. you are not shackled, caged or hindered in any way from releasing your most glorious self upon the world, except by virtue of your own imagined limitations.
the Strong One
the Support System
cuz that's a set up, that lets you play a ROLE instead of BE a person.
so Just For Today, hang up the cape Superwoman.
time to get real, time to be Just YOU.
once you give yourself permission to not BE a role, to not BEHAVE in a certain expected and acceptable fashion........once you do that, you will be able to free OTHERS from that same expectation. you will begin to see that you have always done the best you could at the time. and so has everyone else.
thing is some days our BEST doesn't amount to doodly squat.
my mother fell far short of the IDEALS set forth for mothers.
but i know absolutely to my core today that i would not be who i am, a full half a century old, if not FOR my mom. i have come to appreciate so much in my life.
there is no one in your life as important as YOU. and you have no greater task before you than to BE. you have worth simply by existing. you are not shackled, caged or hindered in any way from releasing your most glorious self upon the world, except by virtue of your own imagined limitations.
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