Give A Damn

Old 05-19-2010, 03:31 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Give A Damn

Mmmm, the last few weeks it seems Im getting more depressed. Im not even sure how to explain it but its like I dont give a damn anymore. Remember Im the strong one of the family who is suppose to be there for everyone else all the time. To be honest I dont want to be that anymore as Im the one who needs someone to hold on to for a change. But you see the two closest people in my life have betrayed me. My sister died nearly 6 months ago and my partner (another story) have left me feeling very much alone. Most of the time I manage things, you know, the whatever! deal with it and move on. I come in the forums and tell people its going to be ok, pretty much a hippicrit hey, as Im finding I cant even take my own advise. This time its different though, its like I dont want to be here anymore, what reasons, who for, how come. I look in the mirror and see a very unhappy woman who has just survived, lived, worked and been everybodies mother. I just wanted to be me, (just jo) whoever that is and I think at my age now, its kind of too late. Not sure if I want to start over again, maybe I could but Im tired now. As dumb as it sounds I actually went to the doctor but when I was sitting in front of him I didnt have the nerve to tell him I was depressed. Thats the stupid - "Im ok" person inside of me, so Im thinking now that Ive posted this do I erase it or leave.
For once in my life Im going to leave it. And to be honest I dont even know who to or why Im posting this. Maybe I just need some sympathy for a change.
justjo is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:47 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hammerhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Justjo...

I hear your pain...and I care. :ghug3

Life is beautiful and so worth fighting for... this is YOUR life.... do what makes YOU happy.... the only thing holding you back now is yourself.

You're in my prayers.
Hammerhead is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:55 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi and welcome to the truth.

Sounds like an honest post. Glad you came here and posted and left it.

You are going through a rough time. You may be depressed, you may just be sad that you are separated from those you love. Give yourself a break and talk or read or whatever you want.

I am a reasonably strong person. Been through a lot and some days I do what need to and others I just sit. (well actually I play a lot of arcade) The point is to take your time to heal and move forward. There is no timetable for that. If you are normally a bounce back person, you will come around in your time.

If another's journey helps - I come around to my old self for a day or two so I know I am still there. So I don't worry about the other days b/c I know I will be back.
Kassie2 is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 03:56 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
I just wanted to be me, (just jo) your quote

Your gonna find out who Jo is. Im determined to find and fall in love with Me Just Deb
WizeDeb is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 04:07 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jadmack25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Oh, dear Jo, when us, so called "strong ones" just want to sag limply for a while, it shocks us completely, doesn't it. I thought I had lost myself.....where, did that woman I thought I was, disappear too, and who is this wimpy, snivelling, scrunched up old lady looking back from my mirror?

From being positive and forward looking, to negative, miserable and afraid to look behind or ahead of us.

Took me a while before I told my GP how I felt, and she was wonderful. Not just given anti-depressants but helpful advice, loving support and therapy.

Take all the courage you can muster and tell your GP what you really feel like, and get help ASAP. Not doing anything just adds to the misery, prolongs it's lifespan and hurts you even more.

God bless
Jadmack25 is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 04:37 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
cmc
Member
 
cmc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi jo....This is my message to you, is offered with love and respect.

When I was depressed years ago I failed realize it. The awareness to see how things _really_ are is a gift. Sharing here is a good start.

After always being the one to take care of others, I finally learned in a painful way that like you ...
Im the strong one of the family who is suppose to be there for everyone else all the time
I had to make some changes & learn to place the same (or even greater) value upon my self and decide to attend to justme

Sometimes I switch how I'm feeling about myself as if it was not about me but someone else...that's oftentimes how I can catch myself slipping away from where I want to be.

So here goes: I can pretty much guarantee that if my name was listed as the writer of your post---- I believe that you would tell me that I'm worth taking care of, that I'm worth being treated well by others and that I deserve that same attention I so freely give to others.


I'm so sorry you are sad but I'm also happy that you're sharing and reaching out. Please forgive my bad memory...but do you go to Alanon? Once my 'reasons' for being there were about the people in my life and soon afterwards my 'reason' for going was not about what 'they' were doing but instead for myself. You see, whether they got better or not- I was still left with the me that was so entwined with everything else to my own hurt. That burden is too great for me to carry. When that shift of my attentions happened; I began to find some relief and although I still have a ways to go towards taking proper care of 'justme' I find it's more than worth it. I'm worth it and so are you.

I hope you find some peace and maybe at least tell the doc how you really are...especially if you continue to feel this sadness.


Sending some extra hugs your way: (((justjo)))
cmc is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 04:59 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by justjo View Post
I look in the mirror and see a very unhappy woman who has just survived, lived, worked and been everybodies mother. I just wanted to be me, (just jo) whoever that is and I think at my age now, its kind of too late.
I had the same issue with my mirror. I didn't know who I was anymore; I was so wrapped up in being the one desperately holding my little family together, being Mom and nursemaid/protector. I was gone so long.

My counsellor gave me such wonderful news the last time I saw her and broke down about not recognizing myself or knowing who I am. The gist of it was: You don't need to find her all at once. Most people don't. We learn, we grow, we evolve, we find ourselves here and there. Don't try to force it. Don't work on finding you all the time. Take a breather, relax, play with your son, allow yourself to be silly with and for him like you weren't able to while actively dealing with your AH. You'll catch glimpses of yourself. Those glimpses will help you see the whole.

It's never too late to find and love yourself. While I still have to remind myself it's OK, I'm now so much better at making time for myself, because it really is the best thing for me and my son.
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 06:20 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Trouble is, I dont even know what makes me happy anymore or if I ever was. I seem to go with the flow, find it hard to tell people I love whats really on my mind. You know, dont want to upset anyone or rock the boat. Im the support system remember.
Ive thought about my life, was I really there? Sure, got up in the morning, went to work, did the whatevers that needed doing and went to bed. I never demanded anything from anyone, dont have a whole lot of friends, cant tell my mother whats really on my mind (cos oh boy she cant see me upset). Sometimes (like cmc said) Sometimes I switch how I'm feeling about myself as if it was not about me but someone else...that's oftentimes how I can catch myself slipping away from where I want to be.
this is how I feel -Usually when Ive been hurt in the past Id use that switch on/off but right now that switch is ON. Im feeling it all - everything in the past, family, crisis, death and pain, all the hurt and for once I dont know how to deal with it. Im angry at them, sorry doesnt even cut it anymore.
Why on earth couldnt either one of my parents ever tell me they loved me, why couldnt they show affection. So many alcoholics in my family, Im wondering whether I am too. But stop, not me, Im the straight one remember, the one with no problems. Years of dealing with my sister and son with addictions and she goes and dies. Im sad because I wont grow old with her, I worry about my kids all the time but also know that I cant control any of it. Maybe I just need time, I need time off from it all but how do I escape.
justjo is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 07:28 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
 
ninja7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
You better talk to your HP. In other word, you should not think about only yourself. It may abuse yourself. You should think about outside yourself. You are a part of outside yourself. I like beaches in South Australia. I often go to Glenelg. I surf in Seaford.
ninja7 is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 08:35 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by justjo View Post
Maybe I just need time, I need time off from it all but how do I escape.
Oh.... a true vacation would be sooooo wonderful. *sigh* But it doesn't need to be that.... definite. The first time I took a break for myself, I just spaced out in front the TV while my sister watched my son, because I had no idea what I would like to do. I'm astounded now at how hard it was for me to accept her offer to help by babysitting.

I'm still trying different things that friends or family said they like to do. Slowly, I'm finding stuff I enjoy and would like to keep doing. Sometimes I even find something new without any one's help. Sometimes, it's just closing my door, turning on music and reading.

Originally Posted by justjo View Post
Trouble is, I dont even know what makes me happy anymore or if I ever was. I seem to go with the flow, find it hard to tell people I love whats really on my mind. You know, dont want to upset anyone or rock the boat.
It's hard to start feeling again when I'd shut down for so long. I think it kind of went hand in hand with taking time for myself. I'm still trying to figure out what helped me turn the emotions back on, so I can't offer anything there. Most likely it's different for everyone anyway...?
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 05-19-2010, 09:00 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hammerhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by justjo View Post
Trouble is, I dont even know what makes me happy anymore or if I ever was.
Well... I'm betting that you have been happy before... maybe it's just been a while... so it seems like "never".

Do you have any hobbies? (Music, gardening, flowers, writing) If you have any books in your house.. look at the titles see if there is a common theme. Do you like magazines? If so.. which ones? Do you like to decorate? cook?

Many times when people don't know what to do... volunteer... at a children's hospital or an older folks home... they don't get much company and appreciate anyone visiting. This helps them and helps you get your mind off of anything troubling you.... it's a win-win!


Why on earth couldnt either one of my parents ever tell me they loved me, why couldnt they show affection.
Sometimes people just don't know how to tell someone they love them. My mother was one that seldom ever said "I love you"... I know she tried to show me... tho.


So many alcoholics in my family, Im wondering whether I am too. But stop, not me, Im the straight one remember, the one with no problems.
Are you in an AA program?

Years of dealing with my sister and son with addictions and she goes and dies. Im sad because I wont grow old with her, I worry about my kids all the time but also know that I cant control any of it.
Sounds like you've really been thru quite a bit... can you see a therapist? Perhaps a bit of grief counseling would be helpful.

Maybe I just need time, I need time off from it all but how do I escape
Sometimes we want to run and hide (escape) but the problem doesn't go away.. it will linger until we deal with it... I imagine you want to escape from the pain and the only way to do that is to face it head on... bit by bit.

You have managed everyone around you.... except you.... maybe you will find peace when you begin to take care of you.

Take care.
Hammerhead is offline  
Old 05-20-2010, 03:18 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
(((Hugs))) Justjo - I hear you. I am exactly where you are at, exactly (just posted 2 very similar posts over on the acao board). I understand the complete and utter exhaustion, especially when you have carried very large loads for a long, long time. Loads of good advice above.


Originally Posted by ninja7 View Post
... you should not think about only yourself. It may abuse yourself. You should think about outside yourself. You are a part of outside yourself.......
I finally, finally get this (I think)

Even yesterday, if I had read this I would have taken deep, deep offence - what do you mean I'd have ranted - I think about everyone but myself.

Today, I realise for the first time ever that this type of thinking has hammered me deeper and deeper and deeper into the ground - like a tent peg getting driven deep in the earth.

Maybe, just maybe if I reach out around me, like a plant sending out roots into the soil, I'll be able to spread the load - the blows will still come but their force will not be driven down through one point ie me - their force will dissipate through the many roots I have sent out.

Posting here is one root, a visit to the doctor is another root, a hot bubble bath a third root, a visit to a beautiful beach (or looking at a picture) a fourth root and so on.

I too understand the need for a holiday. I haven't had a holiday in over 2 years and don't know when, if ever, we will manage another holiday. This is huge for me - I didn't realise what a big part of my coping strategies holidays were until I could no longer go on holiday. So I just have to find another coping strategy - much easier said than done.

Hth, (((hugs))) and thanks again Ninja
Iwanttoheal is offline  
Old 05-20-2010, 04:19 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
sesh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Hi Jo, justJo,
reading this thread I figured that even if it doesn't seem so, you're at the positive place right now. As you are giving youself a break. You're not pushing yourself forward any longer. And I find that to be a great place from which you can find your real self, dicover who you are and what do you really want to do. I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm definetelly saying you're closer to it than before when you've convineced yourself you're fine and kept on being strong, and there for everyone but yourself, so much that you've lost yourself in the process.
I was kind of mentaly in the same place not that long ago, nothing flet right, I was so tired of everything and it felt like my life is falling apart, I dind't know who I am any more, what makes me happy, what I want to do, nothing made any sense any more. It felt terrible. But now when I look back I see it as a place in which I allowed myself to free my self from my delusins, my fears, my ideas of what life should be.
I gave myself some time, doing nothing but playing arcade games for days with no end, like there is nothing else in the world, and than at some point I was able to look back at myself and start on making an personal inventory. For the first time ever I was honest with myself, I dropped down my guards, my protective shiled (that turnes out was only hurting me), I questioned the things I was always very deffensive about, and my paradigms on life as well, with the help of lovely people here.
I'm not much further down that road right now, but it feels good, like I'm reborn. I guess you could say in order to become someone else (or new me, or real me) I had to stop being how I was (or who I made myself to be).
It's a process and very hard one too, but it's wortwhile. A process of grieving my old life and all things lost in it, and finding ways to a new life.
In the beginning it helped me to make myself do things that sounded as something I should be enjoying, and some time later I did acctually start enjoying them.
I believe you did a huge step by admitting you're not as strong and fine as you wanted yourself to think, you can permit yourself now to take a break from everything you felt is right and give your self a permission to work on a new you.
Best of luck
sesh is offline  
Old 05-24-2010, 04:58 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
You guys sure know how to get me crying (you all heard me!! - its so nice) Didnt actually care that I was feeling sorry for myself - I needed it. So often I bottle it all up and dont say too much. Even now _ I just want to call my mother and say 'can we have a good talk' but I cant even get myself to do it because I know the emotions will come out and that scares me. Dont like showing emotions to anyone.
Im going to try and take some advice though and wrap it all up. I mean, start looking at me for a change, what I need to live peacefully. My biggest problem is 'forgiving' the ones I love right now as I dont know whether I can forgive them without leaving them. Its like if Im around them Im saying - its ok and Im not sure how to say its not. Right, Im not as strong as I think, need to be ok with saying whats on my mind and accept that if I upset someone, thats ok too.
justjo is offline  
Old 05-24-2010, 05:13 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
how about you start by dropping all these LABELS you put on yourself...
the Strong One
the Support System
cuz that's a set up, that lets you play a ROLE instead of BE a person.
so Just For Today, hang up the cape Superwoman.
time to get real, time to be Just YOU.

once you give yourself permission to not BE a role, to not BEHAVE in a certain expected and acceptable fashion........once you do that, you will be able to free OTHERS from that same expectation. you will begin to see that you have always done the best you could at the time. and so has everyone else.

thing is some days our BEST doesn't amount to doodly squat.
my mother fell far short of the IDEALS set forth for mothers.
but i know absolutely to my core today that i would not be who i am, a full half a century old, if not FOR my mom. i have come to appreciate so much in my life.

there is no one in your life as important as YOU. and you have no greater task before you than to BE. you have worth simply by existing. you are not shackled, caged or hindered in any way from releasing your most glorious self upon the world, except by virtue of your own imagined limitations.
Thankyou, thankyou, I needed this one - great advice. You are right, everyone does see me as superwoman i think. Lets call Joanne, lets see what Joanne thinks, Joanne will fix it and I guess I thought this was normal. Even from the age of 8, I was the family support, (wouldnt make sense to anyone, too long story) but its true. I always felt like the one on the 'outer' in the background 'doing' trying to get my parents to see I was there, always trying to do my best. I know that they loved me and saw me as the good eldest child but I dont really remember any acknowledgement. The only time I ever heard my mother tell me she loved me was after my sisters funeral. It shattered me, I felt that, why did it take so long. I dont ever remember my father giving me a hug or telling me he loved me either. It is time to take a deep breathe, relax, calm down and be ok with me. I really have to stop dwelling on the past I guess and get on with it.
justjo is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:17 PM.