theuncertainty

So, I had my initial consultation/meeting with a lawyer. We went through several scenarios, we do this, he can do this, this or this, then we do this, etc. Discussed the flat fee (ouch, but doable and so much cheaper than it was living with AH and having all my money sucked into the alcohol bottles) and payment schedules. We discussed the alcohol problem and child visitation. Discussed that if I really wanted to give my son my maiden name, AH would have to agree to it (not likely) or it would be next to impossible to convice the court to change it. I start filling out the client information sheet and freeze.

Attny asks if I need a few moments, says he'll be right outside the conference room and to come get him if I have questions or anything. I sit for - 10-15 minutes and finally get up and say I'm not ready yet, thanks.

Good lord, I don't want to be tied to this man any more, I don't want to be "Mrs. L_" any more. Why am I hesitating and what am I waiting for?

He's (ok - we've - since I could have / should have said NO) thrashed my credit, it's taken 2 years to get little more than the attny fees saved up while trying to pay daycare, preschool, etc., he's refused to pay child support, is fighting the CS's order to pay, moved in with some stupid chic and drug our marriage vows through the muck, lies to me repeatedly, hurts our child by displaying poor decision making and failing to show up, continues to refuse to admit he has an alcohol problem and the list goes on.... Why can't I sign the papers?

What more do I need? I'm pretty sure my HP is not going to emblazon the "free yourself from this leach" text on the sky or mountainside - based on today, I'm not sure I'd listen if it did.

Feeling incredibly disappointed with myself.

dollydo

Divorce is 50% emotion and 50% legal "stuff". The legal "stuff" is handled by the attorney. The emotional baggage is yours to handle. I found that to be the most difficult part to reconcile. Yes, no, yes, no---finally, I am sure, it is YES and off I went. Must admit once I really made up my mind, it was easy.

Don't beat yourself up, today you were not ready, maybe tomorrow will be the day!

Left, right, left, right, one foot in front of the other, until you reach your destination.

Hammerhead

My first visit to see a divorce attorney was really unnerving... they kept telling me things weren't going to change and it was in my best interest to get on with it... it took me an additional 6 months to finally commit to the divorce. I was so embarrassed for not signing that day....that I didn't go back to the first attorney. Maybe that was HP guiding me to another attorney... don't know... didn't think about it at the time.

At the time I just felt horrible about turning the attorneys loose on my poor defenseless husband **ick**.... I got over that idea pretty quickly. All in all it was not a painful process... but I was filled with anxiety... not knowing how things would turn out... everything turned out ok. My attorney was good.... no problems.

So back to you... you'll sign the papers when YOU are ready and please don't get hung up on being disappointed... like Anvil said... this is the farthest you've ever been... besides... some of us gals like to put our toes in the water BEFORE we jump in.

Be kind to yourself.

Kassie2

Just wanted to support your timing issue. You are not ready yet and will get there in your own time.

Just saw a talk show on the subject and heard the advice that you know you are ready when there is no emotional attachment. So if you really want to get back to the lawyer, work on your emotional stuff, resolve it, and when ready try again.

BTW, I went three times to file with a lawyer before I realized that I wasn't ready. Still waiting, but I will get there at some point or not.

If you want to read about it - I suggest Dr Phil.com on relationships and readiness for divorce. Otherwise, honor your own process and go at your own speed. You will do what you need to do when you are ready. Post here, read here (the stickies at the top of the forums) and it will make a difference.

Carol Star

I talked to 3 lawyers, changed my mind a couple of times.....was confused, overwhelmed, coudn't decide to decide, then I just accepted he wasn't gonna change and love wasn't enough......did it.......it was just a bunch of papers. Acceptance was the answer to everything. It isn't the change that was so hard, it was the resistance to the change. I feel for you.....like surgery with a hacksaw.....took me a good while......I took a mini vacation.....two days to get away and be objective about my situation......trust God......it's sad.....it's hard......You are not alone.

theuncertainty

It is the first major decision beyond the one to take my son and leave AH. And holy cow, that was 2 years ago. (What have I been doing?... Oh, yeah, working on recovering, living, raising my amazing son. I'm having to stop myself here and tell myself that's enough and that's a lot.) So, yes. The whole process has been a bit over-whelming.

The last sentence surprised a laugh and that felt really great.

Lilly Burn

Hammerhead, this is my experience exactly, the anxiety has been awful, i instigated divorce proceedings in november 2009 and I too was terrified of upsetting him, yuk! STBEXAH dragged his heels about signing the papers to say our marriage was over, it took him 7 weeks. Im now in the financial bit and yes, will it all turn out ok, so worried, but you made it, i will make it too. Ive got a financial adviser coming this very morning, im so concerned i wont be able to disentangle myself from my AH. It was a major step for me, he had long gone but actually divorcing was so final, but i know i will be very relieved when im finally free. Thank you. Lilly.

Lilly Burn

Theuncertainty, one day you will just find you are ready! Dont do anything if its not time for you yet, it will come one day and you will just want to do it. Its a fearfilling thing divorce at first, partly Im sure because we are so used to protecting our AHs from things like this, treading on egg shells to please them etc, now we are doing it to them! but once in the swim, you want to keep swimming until its done, or at least that is how i am finding it. Good luck.Lillyx

theuncertainty

bump for ShellCrusher.

lillamy

Just tell me which way your windows face and I'll get up there with spraycans, babe. I often think HP needs a little help. Not that I'm, you know, codependent or anything.

pupnut5

"Feeling incredibly disappointed with myself."

Look how far you've come. That isn't something to feel disappointed about. You've done all you could manage today. Be proud of that.

Answers and direction will come when the time is right. Have faith.

GettingBy

((((theuncertainty))))....

this is such a perfect, and raw post of what it feels like to finally sit with the attorney. I was RIGHT there two months ago. Sitting on the couch, talking about it... yet not ready to pull the trigger. Two weeks later - AH comes home drunk and gives me the motivation I need to pick up the pen and sign!

I am a firm believer that when you're ready... you're ready, and you DEFINETELY know it. It's still scary and sad... and each step feels like you've got concrete blocks on your feet, but somehow, you still pick them up and keep moving forward.

Thank you for bumping this.

wanttobehealthy

Don't beat yourself up. Each step toward something different is progress in and of itself. The naysayers might say otherwise (well, hopefully not) but I think that progress and change is measured by each small step and you took many of those by going to meet with a lawyer. Be gentle with yourself and be pleased with what you HAVE done and try to think of the next small step you can take to make this less daunting.

Or just be with it and take the time to accept what you want/need to do before you do it. I think that when I have set boundaries with AH or claimed I'd do things if he did or didn't do X, the reason I did not follow through for a long time was bc I never accepted that I was ready to do what I claimed.

Now I ONLY make promises (to myself) about doing those things that I am fully ready to do and I won't beat myself up and expect others not to as well (which I guess I shouldn't!) for having to do this on my time frame.

Good for you for going to the lawyer and for being aware enough of where you are at to know that you aren't ready to jump into filing right this minute. I think it's perfectly okay and a lot smarter than doing something you aren't ready to do and then being torn up about it and being a mess as a result....

You're doing the best you can and that's good enough.

theuncertainty

Ahhh. I probably wouldn't have believed how lucky that other Uncertainty girl was. "Look, her HP is telling her to go."

ItsmeAlice

Oh Mylanta! That was almost a year ago. Where does the time go.

Couldn't help but be moved by your bumped post.

You were growing healthier by the day back then and look at you now.
You're an inspiration to someone going through the same raw emotions you were!!

Bumping this post and sharing where were you....That's called giving back. It's amazing

Alice

theuncertainty

:ghug3
Good god! Almost a year! I really wish we all lived closer to one another! Big, big smooshy hugs!

Carol Star

I was on the fence for a long time. My therapist said don't worry something will happen that will help you decide. And it did. A male friend told me AH was on Match.com saying he was divorced. We weren't divorced. It definitely helped me decide ! Hahaha.....It is funny now four years after divorce.

theuncertainty

CarolStar - XAH did this too. Well not exactly. He told his GF that he was divorced (and that I was denying him access to our son when he was the one flaking on the visits - but I digress). When he went to rehab, she contacted me asking if we were divorced. No. "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know. He told me you were. I would never have hurt you or DS."

After his rehab, he told her that he filed for divorce ages ago and I just refused to sign, but he thought it was taken care of. And she believed him. As of December she was still 'believing' that I was denying the visits as XAH continued to cancel. Ah, to be so encased in rose-colored glasses....

Shellcrusher

I am at a loss for words. :ghug3