Need to vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 2
Need to vent
Longtime lurker, first time poster, so bear with me as I attempt to get some things off my chest.
First of all I want to thank everyone that posts on here, you have helped so many people (myself included), as I suspect there are quite a few that only come here to read, as I have.
Here's my story, I'll try to keep it short because I know how hard it is to read a long post.
About 15 years ago I met who I thought was the love of my life. I was 23, she was 20. We dated for about a year before we got married. Everything was great between us, we were young and in love, both of us felt that way. We both drank occasionally, maybe 2 or 3 times a month.
A week after we got married her mother died, accidental overdose, everybody close to her knew she was on drugs and she had been to rehab several times, but nothing worked. Her father was and is also a severe alcoholic, 12-15 a day.
After her mother died she initially became very distant with me and everybody else in her life. I tried to be there for her, holding her as she cried herself to sleep, talking to her when she wanted to talk about it, just doing all of the things I thought I should do to help her deal with it. I do realize that everybody deals with death differently and they come to grips with it in their own way, so I tried to help her as she went through what she had to to mourn and heal in her own way.
Well, fast forward to about a year and a half later. She tells me one night that she isn't happy and wants a divorce. I was devistated, and reacted like a typical 24 year old, begging her not to leave, telling her I would do whatever it took to make things work, but it just wasn't enough. She was unhappy and had already made her mind up. So we got a divorce.
So there I was, mending my broken heart, trying to get over her, but I never really did. For the longest time I thought about her every day. Eventually I though about her less and less, but she never was far from my thoughts. For 15 years I thought about her. Not everyday, but occasionally, maybe a few times a month, something would happen that would make me think about her. I would wonder how she was, if she was okay, if she ever thought about me, but I never tried to contact her over all these years. I had learned to live with it, I guess. BTW, her sister is married to my brother. With the exception of a few times shortly after the divorce, I didn't even ask her sister about her.
During that time I had married the mother of my child. I got married for all the wrong reasons(she was pregnant), and it didn't work out. No alcohol was involved by either of us. We have been divorced since 2004.
About 12 months ago, I'm sitting on the couch watching a movie and I get a phone call. It was her, my first wife. I really didn't know what to do or say. I was shocked, and honestly very glad she called.
At first she said all the right things, "I've missed you so much", "I really messed up when we got divorced", " It was the biggest mistake in my life", "I know what I did was wrong" I honestly thought she was sincere.
There was only one problem. About 6 months after we got divorced she started drinking heavily and has ever since. She is an alcoholic. She drinks at least 10-15 beers a night, eats a bite and passes out- EVERY NIGHT.
At first this wasn't a huge issue for me, I mean the love of my life came back to me and I was tickled to death. Plus I was ignorant about alcoholism, I mean I have known a few alcoholics in my life, hey I've even put a few away myself when I was younger, but I guess I never had to deal with it so directly.
Sometimes when she was drinking things were okay, but when they weren't they were bad- very bad. I could give some examples, but if you know what it's like being with one then you know what I'm talking about. False accusations, severe mood swings, just talking crazy stuff that doesn't make sense. It got to the point where I would just cringe when I would hear her open a beer.
About 3 months ago I told her that if she kept drinking then things between us wouldn't work out. She told me she was going to quit, but couldn't do it cold turkey, so she set limits for herself. At night, whether she was here or at her place, I would ask her how she was doing on her limits, and at first she would tell me, whether she was staying within it, or going over. I would try to be as encouraging as I could without being too pushy, it was like walking a tightrope. Then she changed her story, she said she knew she had a problem, and that it was, and had caused a lot of problems in her life, but she just didn't want to quit.
Eventually she started getting bitter towards me. She would get mad if I asked how many she had, so I stopped. She started not coming over as much, canceling plans we had, not answering the phone when I called(even though she would tell me to call at such and such time), only to call back late at night, drunk, knowing I had to get up early for work.
I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was in a relationship with two different people, one drunk, and one sober.
So about a month ago I ended it. It was without a doubt one of the hardest things have ever had to do. She came and got most of her stuff, there are still a few things here. Not much, a couple pairs of shoes,a few outfits, and some dishes she had brought over. Part of me thinks she left them here on purpose, just to make an excuse to come back eventually.
She lives with her father, who is down to about a six-pack a night and disabled due to lung cancer surgery and a bad heart. His house was put up for auction last week because he didn't pay his property tax for almost 12 years.
Well, come to find out that her new boyfriend bought the house at the auction and moved in the next day. This was a "friend" of hers she knew when we were together, but she assured me then that they were just friends. Stupid me believed it.
So here I sit, one minute feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder, another wondering if I had done enough to help her. Sometimes I feel I went way beyond what I should have, other times I feel it wasn't enough.
I had been doing pretty good the past couple of days, but today was a bad one. I broke down and called her, huge mistake. She didn't answer, so I left her a message, telling her I loved her, and that I didn't want to live the next 15 years like I did the last.
My common sense and better judgment tells me that our life together more than likely would never be good, even if she did stop drinking. But my heart is screaming something else.
Sorry about the long post and rambling, but it does feel better to get it all out there.
I know I did the right thing for my son and I, but that doesn't stop the pain.
First of all I want to thank everyone that posts on here, you have helped so many people (myself included), as I suspect there are quite a few that only come here to read, as I have.
Here's my story, I'll try to keep it short because I know how hard it is to read a long post.
About 15 years ago I met who I thought was the love of my life. I was 23, she was 20. We dated for about a year before we got married. Everything was great between us, we were young and in love, both of us felt that way. We both drank occasionally, maybe 2 or 3 times a month.
A week after we got married her mother died, accidental overdose, everybody close to her knew she was on drugs and she had been to rehab several times, but nothing worked. Her father was and is also a severe alcoholic, 12-15 a day.
After her mother died she initially became very distant with me and everybody else in her life. I tried to be there for her, holding her as she cried herself to sleep, talking to her when she wanted to talk about it, just doing all of the things I thought I should do to help her deal with it. I do realize that everybody deals with death differently and they come to grips with it in their own way, so I tried to help her as she went through what she had to to mourn and heal in her own way.
Well, fast forward to about a year and a half later. She tells me one night that she isn't happy and wants a divorce. I was devistated, and reacted like a typical 24 year old, begging her not to leave, telling her I would do whatever it took to make things work, but it just wasn't enough. She was unhappy and had already made her mind up. So we got a divorce.
So there I was, mending my broken heart, trying to get over her, but I never really did. For the longest time I thought about her every day. Eventually I though about her less and less, but she never was far from my thoughts. For 15 years I thought about her. Not everyday, but occasionally, maybe a few times a month, something would happen that would make me think about her. I would wonder how she was, if she was okay, if she ever thought about me, but I never tried to contact her over all these years. I had learned to live with it, I guess. BTW, her sister is married to my brother. With the exception of a few times shortly after the divorce, I didn't even ask her sister about her.
During that time I had married the mother of my child. I got married for all the wrong reasons(she was pregnant), and it didn't work out. No alcohol was involved by either of us. We have been divorced since 2004.
About 12 months ago, I'm sitting on the couch watching a movie and I get a phone call. It was her, my first wife. I really didn't know what to do or say. I was shocked, and honestly very glad she called.
At first she said all the right things, "I've missed you so much", "I really messed up when we got divorced", " It was the biggest mistake in my life", "I know what I did was wrong" I honestly thought she was sincere.
There was only one problem. About 6 months after we got divorced she started drinking heavily and has ever since. She is an alcoholic. She drinks at least 10-15 beers a night, eats a bite and passes out- EVERY NIGHT.
At first this wasn't a huge issue for me, I mean the love of my life came back to me and I was tickled to death. Plus I was ignorant about alcoholism, I mean I have known a few alcoholics in my life, hey I've even put a few away myself when I was younger, but I guess I never had to deal with it so directly.
Sometimes when she was drinking things were okay, but when they weren't they were bad- very bad. I could give some examples, but if you know what it's like being with one then you know what I'm talking about. False accusations, severe mood swings, just talking crazy stuff that doesn't make sense. It got to the point where I would just cringe when I would hear her open a beer.
About 3 months ago I told her that if she kept drinking then things between us wouldn't work out. She told me she was going to quit, but couldn't do it cold turkey, so she set limits for herself. At night, whether she was here or at her place, I would ask her how she was doing on her limits, and at first she would tell me, whether she was staying within it, or going over. I would try to be as encouraging as I could without being too pushy, it was like walking a tightrope. Then she changed her story, she said she knew she had a problem, and that it was, and had caused a lot of problems in her life, but she just didn't want to quit.
Eventually she started getting bitter towards me. She would get mad if I asked how many she had, so I stopped. She started not coming over as much, canceling plans we had, not answering the phone when I called(even though she would tell me to call at such and such time), only to call back late at night, drunk, knowing I had to get up early for work.
I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was in a relationship with two different people, one drunk, and one sober.
So about a month ago I ended it. It was without a doubt one of the hardest things have ever had to do. She came and got most of her stuff, there are still a few things here. Not much, a couple pairs of shoes,a few outfits, and some dishes she had brought over. Part of me thinks she left them here on purpose, just to make an excuse to come back eventually.
She lives with her father, who is down to about a six-pack a night and disabled due to lung cancer surgery and a bad heart. His house was put up for auction last week because he didn't pay his property tax for almost 12 years.
Well, come to find out that her new boyfriend bought the house at the auction and moved in the next day. This was a "friend" of hers she knew when we were together, but she assured me then that they were just friends. Stupid me believed it.
So here I sit, one minute feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder, another wondering if I had done enough to help her. Sometimes I feel I went way beyond what I should have, other times I feel it wasn't enough.
I had been doing pretty good the past couple of days, but today was a bad one. I broke down and called her, huge mistake. She didn't answer, so I left her a message, telling her I loved her, and that I didn't want to live the next 15 years like I did the last.
My common sense and better judgment tells me that our life together more than likely would never be good, even if she did stop drinking. But my heart is screaming something else.
Sorry about the long post and rambling, but it does feel better to get it all out there.
I know I did the right thing for my son and I, but that doesn't stop the pain.
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
Hi, try! Thank you very much for your post. As I am recovering alcoholics, my attitude toward my wife is just like your first wife. I think as long as she is drinking, you should be away from her for you and your son. Alcoholics are always dishonest. And your relationship with her is not healthy. You should go to Al-anon meeting. There are many people who are suffered by alcoholics. They may give you good suggestions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
The pain of being married to an active alcoholic is devastating. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you did do the right thing, and you are lucky to have gotten out relatively unscathed. Leave her to it. You don't want to be tangled up in that mess. And you sound like a relatively healthy guy yourself, so I would recommend checking out Al-Anon, or therapy, or both, and see if you can't work on finding someone else where your need for both passion and stability can be met.
And I know that that is easier said than done, believe me, but it can be done, and you sound like a person that could do it.
If wife #1 ever wants to choose sobriety, well, she knows how to contact you.
And I know that that is easier said than done, believe me, but it can be done, and you sound like a person that could do it.
If wife #1 ever wants to choose sobriety, well, she knows how to contact you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Try, and welcome to SR. I love your screen name. Ninja and Mambo Queen are right - Al-Anon is a great support. If one group doesn't feel like a good fit after a few meetings, try another for a few.
Stepping back and walking away from a relationship with a loved A is hard, because it's not just the alcohol problem we're walking away from, but also the hope of a future, a family, a life together. Take time to grieve for the loss of that hope. You did do the right thing for both you and your son.
Stepping back and walking away from a relationship with a loved A is hard, because it's not just the alcohol problem we're walking away from, but also the hope of a future, a family, a life together. Take time to grieve for the loss of that hope. You did do the right thing for both you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I second everyone else in thanking you for your honest post, and encouraging you to continue to be strong and do the best for yourself and your son. Don't second guess your decision to step away from her--keep reading these posts and you'll understand why. You can't "save" her from herself if she wants to drink. That's all there is to it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I'm sorry for your pain. All those years you thought of her and wondering can now stop. NO more wondering. Maybe the universe was doing you a service in order to finally let go. Lessons are painful.
You did the RIGHT thing by leaving. Your life would have been sheer hell with her. Most addicts lie, cheat and do many despicable things to kill themselves and everyone around them. This is how the "disease" survives. As hard as this is, you cannot take it personally. She only knows this way of life and this is how she survives daily. It's a SUPER sad existance, but all they know.
Allow yourself the time to mourn. Imagine what she just put you through x 15 more years. Can you take that?
Al Anon is a great option to help you sort out this pain and confusion.
Keep posting
You did the RIGHT thing by leaving. Your life would have been sheer hell with her. Most addicts lie, cheat and do many despicable things to kill themselves and everyone around them. This is how the "disease" survives. As hard as this is, you cannot take it personally. She only knows this way of life and this is how she survives daily. It's a SUPER sad existance, but all they know.
Allow yourself the time to mourn. Imagine what she just put you through x 15 more years. Can you take that?
Al Anon is a great option to help you sort out this pain and confusion.
Keep posting
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself! Make yourself at home by pulling out the keyboard and posting as much as needed.
You are not alone. We know what it is like to have a loved one addicted to alcohol.
Have you considered boxing up her items and having them mailed to her home?
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself! Make yourself at home by pulling out the keyboard and posting as much as needed.
You are not alone. We know what it is like to have a loved one addicted to alcohol.
Have you considered boxing up her items and having them mailed to her home?
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Wonderful post of how committed you were to her. You showed her HP's love throughout the entire period. It was her choice to embrace it and roll with you. I would say until the drinking stops you should stay on your own. Calling her just set you back one day. Your starting over and you can do it!
Imagine being in her shoes and calling you after all of those years. Amazing sequence of events. You are a strong man.
Imagine being in her shoes and calling you after all of those years. Amazing sequence of events. You are a strong man.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for the support. It is difficult at times. I realize that I am lucky to have gotten out of it when I did. Honestly, I kind of feel silly for posting this when there are so many more stories of people that have much more serious issues to deal with.
I guess after all these years I had a fantasy built up in my head about what our life together would have been like, but it was just that, a fantasy. I know that her capacity for love is diminishing more and more everyday she drinks.
Thanks again, you guys are truly a blessing to many people.
I guess after all these years I had a fantasy built up in my head about what our life together would have been like, but it was just that, a fantasy. I know that her capacity for love is diminishing more and more everyday she drinks.
Thanks again, you guys are truly a blessing to many people.
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