Wow guess WHAT- no surprise?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
Wow guess WHAT- no surprise?
My EXABF called me a month ago and said he pawned a stolen tv (for drugs). He said the guy it was stolen from (he didnt steal it, just pawned it) found out it was him and if he didnt return the tv from him from the pawn shop he was going to press charges and he would go to jail for however many days and get a felony on his record. Well, i felt bad- I didnt care about the jail part but the felony part sucked because that would follow him around for ever. So I loaned him $100 to get the tv out and drop it off. I helped him go pick it up and drop it off. I'm starting to wonder about all the details of the story though, it seems to me now that I probably fell for another trick.
He paid me back 46 and still owes me the other money. I've been calling him for the past 5 days and didn't get a hold of him so today I decided to visit his house and see if he was there. He wasn't so I let myself in to look around. I searched his room and next to a bed in a nightstand table I found a cigarrete carton with a spoon and needles. Hmmmm- guess what? He's still using. He's supposably been going to the methadone clinic for the past month but I don't know what he's doing, I guess methadone and something that gives an effect. The leftover powder on the spoon was white, that could be anything. I took some pictures of it on my cell to have as evidence of proof.
I'm really irritated with his parents. At first he was living somewhere else but somehow he's living back at home again. He's 29. He's able to do all the drugs he wants all day, he doesnt have to find a job or work or anything. I mean he does, his parents want him to but the economy right now is a good excuse for him not to work because so many people are out of work and have been looking for so long. I'm so irritated that they trust and believe him because he's such a liar and a fake. I don't know what to do, I'd speak up and tell them what I found or tell them to go search his room theirself but I don't know what good it'd do. His dad's mom is passing away and I think now would be a bad time to deal with both at once. I mean, they know he's a drug addict and been one for a long time just dealing with him being a liar again. I want to say something though, but then there's that strange part where I was wandering around their house when no one was home... it's not weird, just that I'm not their sons girlfriend anymore. Anyways- not sure what to do. I'm at least waiting to say something until after I get my money back. I can't believe his parents dont suspect him or search his room and that they even let him move back home!!! Such BS, really I mean I hardly talk to him and it doesn't take much for me to find his stuff and know he's not doing what he says he's doing. It's stupid, he angers me and I feel like he's never going to change. I want to say that to him too, I'm debating on what effect that would have on him. But- we've been going through a year process of in and out of rehab, methadone, trying to get better etc. and it's all just words. I really really can't believe his parents let him move back in and are so naive they don't check his room. I was suspicious because he hasn't talked to me in 5 days and been avoiding, surely them seeing him everyday would reveal something! And they leave him at home by himself until 2 everyday!! So blind, and I'm so irritated with him. This road only leads towards one thing- death. I hope I can detach and remove myself completely enough to where if it does happen the news wont be a crushing blow.
The sad part is that after the 5th time today of finding his drugs (I always seem to be the person who finds them because I'm not stupid and I know when, where and what to look for or maybe he's stupid for not doing a good job hiding them) I wasn't all that surprised. I just took some pictures, rolled it around a little, hung my head with dissapointment and put it back where I found it. *sigh* that is not a typical thing someone should get use to.
He paid me back 46 and still owes me the other money. I've been calling him for the past 5 days and didn't get a hold of him so today I decided to visit his house and see if he was there. He wasn't so I let myself in to look around. I searched his room and next to a bed in a nightstand table I found a cigarrete carton with a spoon and needles. Hmmmm- guess what? He's still using. He's supposably been going to the methadone clinic for the past month but I don't know what he's doing, I guess methadone and something that gives an effect. The leftover powder on the spoon was white, that could be anything. I took some pictures of it on my cell to have as evidence of proof.
I'm really irritated with his parents. At first he was living somewhere else but somehow he's living back at home again. He's 29. He's able to do all the drugs he wants all day, he doesnt have to find a job or work or anything. I mean he does, his parents want him to but the economy right now is a good excuse for him not to work because so many people are out of work and have been looking for so long. I'm so irritated that they trust and believe him because he's such a liar and a fake. I don't know what to do, I'd speak up and tell them what I found or tell them to go search his room theirself but I don't know what good it'd do. His dad's mom is passing away and I think now would be a bad time to deal with both at once. I mean, they know he's a drug addict and been one for a long time just dealing with him being a liar again. I want to say something though, but then there's that strange part where I was wandering around their house when no one was home... it's not weird, just that I'm not their sons girlfriend anymore. Anyways- not sure what to do. I'm at least waiting to say something until after I get my money back. I can't believe his parents dont suspect him or search his room and that they even let him move back home!!! Such BS, really I mean I hardly talk to him and it doesn't take much for me to find his stuff and know he's not doing what he says he's doing. It's stupid, he angers me and I feel like he's never going to change. I want to say that to him too, I'm debating on what effect that would have on him. But- we've been going through a year process of in and out of rehab, methadone, trying to get better etc. and it's all just words. I really really can't believe his parents let him move back in and are so naive they don't check his room. I was suspicious because he hasn't talked to me in 5 days and been avoiding, surely them seeing him everyday would reveal something! And they leave him at home by himself until 2 everyday!! So blind, and I'm so irritated with him. This road only leads towards one thing- death. I hope I can detach and remove myself completely enough to where if it does happen the news wont be a crushing blow.
The sad part is that after the 5th time today of finding his drugs (I always seem to be the person who finds them because I'm not stupid and I know when, where and what to look for or maybe he's stupid for not doing a good job hiding them) I wasn't all that surprised. I just took some pictures, rolled it around a little, hung my head with dissapointment and put it back where I found it. *sigh* that is not a typical thing someone should get use to.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You say he is your EX boyfriend. Why are you still in contact with him at all? It's a dead end and you deserve better. My advice is to go no contact and block him from your phone. He's a loser.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
Sadly true. I hadn't been in touch until the felony charge story, hard lesson to learn that those problems are his own doings and next time I can't be there to bail him out.
Now I'm just staying in touch because I want the other $70 dollars he owes me : ) I'm a college student and I need to save as much as I can. Last week he said he had to use his methadone clinic money to pay me back since he's not working and I said no from the soft part of my heart. This week I'm just going to take it so I can be done with him since he's obviously not doing his program.
Now I'm just staying in touch because I want the other $70 dollars he owes me : ) I'm a college student and I need to save as much as I can. Last week he said he had to use his methadone clinic money to pay me back since he's not working and I said no from the soft part of my heart. This week I'm just going to take it so I can be done with him since he's obviously not doing his program.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with the others here, you are wayyyy too involved in all this. If my son's ex let herself into my house (broke in?) I would press charges. You may want to try some meetings to help you figure out why you are drawn to this like a moth to a flame. Life doesn't have to be this hard.
He's an addict, doing what addicts do. It doesn't matter who knows, YOU know and have the opportunity to walk a few dollars short for the lesson.
Sweetie, I wish my lessons had only cost me $40.
Next time he contacts you, don't answer, just say "no".
Hugs
He's an addict, doing what addicts do. It doesn't matter who knows, YOU know and have the opportunity to walk a few dollars short for the lesson.
Sweetie, I wish my lessons had only cost me $40.
Next time he contacts you, don't answer, just say "no".
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
I've always been one of the family, I'm very close with his parents it's like I was their daughter so I'm not too worried about that part, his dad knows I had a valid reason to be there in the beginning- to get money he owes. It's not really about the $70 it's about holding him accountable and making him responsible for something. And he is an ex for a reason.
Suki44883, he is a 'dead' end in more ways than one- it's painful and sad to say but I fear he'll die one day, sooner rather than later if he keeps this up. It all heads toward the same thing regardless the substance or alcohol- death.
I am going to block him from my phone, calls and texts. I have verizon how do I do that? There's a setting on my phone but it's only for unblock all calls, block all calls, or contacts only. I probably have to call verizon itself and do it.
It goes periods in and out of contact, the good news is it gets longer each time and if I block him I won't have to worry about anything. Thanks for all the thoughts and advice.
Suki44883, he is a 'dead' end in more ways than one- it's painful and sad to say but I fear he'll die one day, sooner rather than later if he keeps this up. It all heads toward the same thing regardless the substance or alcohol- death.
I am going to block him from my phone, calls and texts. I have verizon how do I do that? There's a setting on my phone but it's only for unblock all calls, block all calls, or contacts only. I probably have to call verizon itself and do it.
It goes periods in and out of contact, the good news is it gets longer each time and if I block him I won't have to worry about anything. Thanks for all the thoughts and advice.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 57
Soleus, whether or not his parents validate you does not make what you did right. Being in love or attracted to an addict has nothing to do with tit for tat. What I mean by this is that just because he is doing wrong does not mean that you should be. You do not have the disease (from what I read) and you appear to be a codie. If this is in fact the case, it falls on you to do the right and responsible thing.
I don't mean to be so hard on you, but I've been the codie who cleans up the addict's mess, got too involved, etc. It never ends well. In fact, you could get in a lot of trouble (despite his parents being "cool" with it) and you don't want that to happen. Take it from somebody who has witnessed codie's get the short end; you don't want to go down this path.
I say it because I care.
I don't mean to be so hard on you, but I've been the codie who cleans up the addict's mess, got too involved, etc. It never ends well. In fact, you could get in a lot of trouble (despite his parents being "cool" with it) and you don't want that to happen. Take it from somebody who has witnessed codie's get the short end; you don't want to go down this path.
I say it because I care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: huntington wv
Posts: 46
The big thing I had to let go of with my exabf was the need for him to admit he was using, I saw the proof, I knew what was going on, but he would attempt to lie, yell, scream, throw himself into walls, anything to try to tell me my senses weren't right and his words were. Why do you NEED pictures? you know what you saw (even though it was a bad idea to see it that way) If you confront him, he will most likely find some lame lie (I was holding ir for a friend) and you'll probably believe it because you WANT to believe it. I have been right where you are. If he commits a felony, then he has to pay the price. If it follows him forever, then so be it. it was HIS CHOICE to do the deed. My exabf is about to go to prison for assault, and his entire family thinks I'm horrible for saying he deserves it. The $70 is gone. You may get it back, you may not. When I let my dumb ass get involved again, I bailed him out of jail for $100. any money I spend on him I have to accept it is probably gone. I don't put my finances on the line for him. After I got involved again (my recent post has the whole story) I got burned again. I blocked every number he has ever called or texted me from.(I have at&t and there is an extra $5 service fee to block up to 15 numbers. not sure how verizon does it, but I think you can change your number for free) I thought I could stay in contact with his sister, but she is still in her codie place. Sounds like your guys' family is still enabling him. You probably need to cut contact with them, as well, if they are not following through with their boundaries. Re-read your post, out loud if possible. Try to imagine someone else in your situation and what you would tell them. It's often easier to give advice than to take it. The money, his parents, all those things are you HOLDING ON. let go. Of all of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 126
Originally Posted by Soleus 
I've always been one of the family, I'm very close with his parents it's like I was their daughter so I'm not too worried about that part, his dad knows I had a valid reason to be there in the beginning- to get money he owes. It's not really about the $70 it's about holding him accountable and making him responsible for something. And he is an ex for a reason.
I agree with the others and urge you to cut your loses here and cut your ties again if he truly is an ex.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I remember saying to myself more times than I care to admit "I'm keeping in contact with my son because I need to get back the money he owes me." Well, if he had money to begin with, I wouldn't have needed to "borrow" him any, the check he wrote to me wouldn't have bounced, etc.
My son borrowed from Peter to pay Paul . . . he'd get a bad check from his girlfriend to give to me and then convince me in no uncertain terms the check was Good, Good, Good so I could front him some money until it cleared. But guess what, the check was never good so I was out the money I gave him, plus fees for the bad check and many times bounced and/or overdraw fees because it would put my account in the hole. Yes, sad to say I (wanted to) believed the story more than once, he was my son, I love him.
When you're ready, you'll say "NO" the buck stops here. I don't care the story there will be no money. Felonies are just another consequence that the addict has to deal with.
There are recovering addicts that work a program and are living next to us, working next to us that have legal issues from their using days. They survive, our addicts can to.
My son borrowed from Peter to pay Paul . . . he'd get a bad check from his girlfriend to give to me and then convince me in no uncertain terms the check was Good, Good, Good so I could front him some money until it cleared. But guess what, the check was never good so I was out the money I gave him, plus fees for the bad check and many times bounced and/or overdraw fees because it would put my account in the hole. Yes, sad to say I (wanted to) believed the story more than once, he was my son, I love him.
When you're ready, you'll say "NO" the buck stops here. I don't care the story there will be no money. Felonies are just another consequence that the addict has to deal with.
There are recovering addicts that work a program and are living next to us, working next to us that have legal issues from their using days. They survive, our addicts can to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Soleus
It's not really about the $70 it's about holding him accountable and making him responsible for something.
Sounds like you might still have a toe in the need to control camp. We have all been there. Letting go means letting go of our need to try and control other people and outcomes.
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