did you make it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4
did you make it?
Hi, I'm new here.
My husband of 9 years is hurting, is an addict. He can see the life he wants, the person he would rather be, but the disease is very cunning.
He has been on (and off) of antibuse for 3 years, he was seeing an addiction therapist for a year and he occasionally goes to AA.. always with the intention of going more often ~ sigh. (of course this all dates much further back but this is a good starting place for my explanation of things)
Because of not working the steps, because he just removed the drinking from his life with antibuse not the way of thinking, he still has the addiction boredom and has become an obsessive pot smoker. (Thanks CA for making it legal and on every corner- frick)
Some people don't think pot is much more than a choice. Those people don't understand the emotional attachment. I know my husband well, I know his heart, I see through his sickness and see him. I know his cycle of self hate for failing, and I know his deceptive blame of me when desperate to find a way to allow his love affair to flourish . It's a sick battle and there is excuse after excuse to protect something that he ultimately hates as much as I do.
I have hurts, painful memories of things said, and behavior that was shocking. I know the guy who is drunk, the guy who is high, the guy who is "light using to be normal" and the guy who is going day 1,2,3,4, 5.....sober.. the first week is most vicious and hurtful towards me. I also know the guy who is day 20 who starts to talk with hope but so easily gets convinced that now that he is here he can just sometimes smoke a little pot , cause after all "it is better than that dark place of drinking". He thinks maybe he can control the pot use and BAM back into round the clock smoking, eventually leading to taking a week off the antibuse to binge drink.. and saga onward.
My focus has been my own emotional maturity. How I react, what things I allow to replay and hurt me in my mind. Making the choice to say inside " screw that, that is a lie, I do NOT take that bizzare bs about me" I too have found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, door shut for a good cry fest in private. I have stayed up awake wondering how truly mad he is directly at me or if it was just another excuse to take off and worried that he is safe or not. I want my husband back, and I am filled with anger for the disease and all of the sly things that come with it.. but NOT for him.
This is were I have fears. I do believe he will conquer this. there has been many times that he takes it real serious, not just the bs speech to buy him time either (there has been those too) and he takes on the challenge of sobriety..he trys really hard but does it virtually alone and falls. Now he is willing to go to a recovery center (to be forced to take a time out of busy life to focus on this) and will be going at the end of this month. His attempts to commit to AA meetings, get a sponsor and so on has failed over and over because he leads such a busy life and thinks he can manage things when he is doing good, and when he is doing bad it just grabs him.
So my fear is of what if my story is like so many on here... Am I that person who in a few more years will be saying "I believed, I supported, my husband went to treatment after treatment, now I have moved on".
That thought robs me of hope.
Is there someone on here who has made it? That their husbands addiction and destructive path did not destroy the marriage. Did you get through it, did you get your life back with the man you love, and grow together.. or is this a fairy tale???
My husbands friend approached me this past weekend (his confidant). He said to me " from the beginning, you two have had a natural, powerful attraction and love for each other, if 2 people can make it, it is you". My reply to him was " at this point if it was not for that, I would be fully detached by now, this has got to end, the person he is right now is not the person that that attraction exists with"
I can't even explain what a beautiful person he is inside and what a great husband he is in so many other ways. He works hard to provide, he protects his kids from seeing this side of him (or so he thinks) he goes above and beyond for everyone in his life, extremely giving and surprisingly a very functional addict.. because he is such an over achiever, this helps to trick him that he can have it and a successful life. This also is part of his addiction, "how far can I go and still pull it off". He's got so much love for us and too much hate for himself, guilt and ultimatum's feed the cycle of failure...
anyway.. thats about enough for now.
Long time success stories? Still married and in love with your recovering spouse of many years???
Thanks
My husband of 9 years is hurting, is an addict. He can see the life he wants, the person he would rather be, but the disease is very cunning.
He has been on (and off) of antibuse for 3 years, he was seeing an addiction therapist for a year and he occasionally goes to AA.. always with the intention of going more often ~ sigh. (of course this all dates much further back but this is a good starting place for my explanation of things)
Because of not working the steps, because he just removed the drinking from his life with antibuse not the way of thinking, he still has the addiction boredom and has become an obsessive pot smoker. (Thanks CA for making it legal and on every corner- frick)
Some people don't think pot is much more than a choice. Those people don't understand the emotional attachment. I know my husband well, I know his heart, I see through his sickness and see him. I know his cycle of self hate for failing, and I know his deceptive blame of me when desperate to find a way to allow his love affair to flourish . It's a sick battle and there is excuse after excuse to protect something that he ultimately hates as much as I do.
I have hurts, painful memories of things said, and behavior that was shocking. I know the guy who is drunk, the guy who is high, the guy who is "light using to be normal" and the guy who is going day 1,2,3,4, 5.....sober.. the first week is most vicious and hurtful towards me. I also know the guy who is day 20 who starts to talk with hope but so easily gets convinced that now that he is here he can just sometimes smoke a little pot , cause after all "it is better than that dark place of drinking". He thinks maybe he can control the pot use and BAM back into round the clock smoking, eventually leading to taking a week off the antibuse to binge drink.. and saga onward.
My focus has been my own emotional maturity. How I react, what things I allow to replay and hurt me in my mind. Making the choice to say inside " screw that, that is a lie, I do NOT take that bizzare bs about me" I too have found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, door shut for a good cry fest in private. I have stayed up awake wondering how truly mad he is directly at me or if it was just another excuse to take off and worried that he is safe or not. I want my husband back, and I am filled with anger for the disease and all of the sly things that come with it.. but NOT for him.
This is were I have fears. I do believe he will conquer this. there has been many times that he takes it real serious, not just the bs speech to buy him time either (there has been those too) and he takes on the challenge of sobriety..he trys really hard but does it virtually alone and falls. Now he is willing to go to a recovery center (to be forced to take a time out of busy life to focus on this) and will be going at the end of this month. His attempts to commit to AA meetings, get a sponsor and so on has failed over and over because he leads such a busy life and thinks he can manage things when he is doing good, and when he is doing bad it just grabs him.
So my fear is of what if my story is like so many on here... Am I that person who in a few more years will be saying "I believed, I supported, my husband went to treatment after treatment, now I have moved on".
That thought robs me of hope.
Is there someone on here who has made it? That their husbands addiction and destructive path did not destroy the marriage. Did you get through it, did you get your life back with the man you love, and grow together.. or is this a fairy tale???
My husbands friend approached me this past weekend (his confidant). He said to me " from the beginning, you two have had a natural, powerful attraction and love for each other, if 2 people can make it, it is you". My reply to him was " at this point if it was not for that, I would be fully detached by now, this has got to end, the person he is right now is not the person that that attraction exists with"
I can't even explain what a beautiful person he is inside and what a great husband he is in so many other ways. He works hard to provide, he protects his kids from seeing this side of him (or so he thinks) he goes above and beyond for everyone in his life, extremely giving and surprisingly a very functional addict.. because he is such an over achiever, this helps to trick him that he can have it and a successful life. This also is part of his addiction, "how far can I go and still pull it off". He's got so much love for us and too much hate for himself, guilt and ultimatum's feed the cycle of failure...
anyway.. thats about enough for now.
Long time success stories? Still married and in love with your recovering spouse of many years???
Thanks
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((affinity))
my new friend -
whether you have 1,000 people post that they have the "Dream come True" that you seek
or
if you have a 1,000 people post about their "Dream came True" without the Addict/Alcoholic in their lives
it doesn't decide which way your AH is going to choose for his life to go;
No matter how many stories you read, hopes and dreams you have, sweetie - It is only HIS choice about HIS life
You on the other hand have the choice for YOUR life - Instead of thinking what could, would or should happen -
What do you want for your LIFE TODAY - that's what recovery has given to me.
Wishing you the Serenity, Joy, Peace, Love, Grace and Respect of Each and Every day of your Precious LIFE - You deserve it!!
HUGS,
Rita
my new friend -
whether you have 1,000 people post that they have the "Dream come True" that you seek
or
if you have a 1,000 people post about their "Dream came True" without the Addict/Alcoholic in their lives
it doesn't decide which way your AH is going to choose for his life to go;
No matter how many stories you read, hopes and dreams you have, sweetie - It is only HIS choice about HIS life
You on the other hand have the choice for YOUR life - Instead of thinking what could, would or should happen -
What do you want for your LIFE TODAY - that's what recovery has given to me.
Wishing you the Serenity, Joy, Peace, Love, Grace and Respect of Each and Every day of your Precious LIFE - You deserve it!!
HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Welcome, Affinity.
You'll get great information here.
I know there are plenty of people who have been able to carry on a long and fulfilling sober life together... perhaps you'll hear from them shortly. Others take different paths, but that doesn't mean their lives are less joyful and fulfilling.
On the other hand, it's just impossible to know from day to day what life is going to bring, so the best thing to do is to be true to yourself and take care of yourself now, and every day. Leave the rest to your HP.
As for me, I have a long marriage of 33 years and I identified with so many of the things you said about your AH and your relationship. But fact is, the AH in my life (somehow I hate saying "my" AH as if I owned him) was only sober for 5 years--from 1999 to 2004. It was great to have that blessing. He did go back to drinking and is active today. I'm still here, taking it a day at a time.
Stick around and learn from the wise people here. You'll learn a lot.
You'll get great information here.
I know there are plenty of people who have been able to carry on a long and fulfilling sober life together... perhaps you'll hear from them shortly. Others take different paths, but that doesn't mean their lives are less joyful and fulfilling.
On the other hand, it's just impossible to know from day to day what life is going to bring, so the best thing to do is to be true to yourself and take care of yourself now, and every day. Leave the rest to your HP.
As for me, I have a long marriage of 33 years and I identified with so many of the things you said about your AH and your relationship. But fact is, the AH in my life (somehow I hate saying "my" AH as if I owned him) was only sober for 5 years--from 1999 to 2004. It was great to have that blessing. He did go back to drinking and is active today. I'm still here, taking it a day at a time.
Stick around and learn from the wise people here. You'll learn a lot.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Affinity, and welcome to SR. It's a great forum and there are so many here that can offer support and share their own experiences and insight.
I can't offer a happy ending; I'm still working my way through my story, page by page - OK, word by word.... Every path to recovery is different; there a parallels and similarities, paths cross, but no one has the same exact family or personal history as any one else, so no one's recovery is exactly like any one else's. I can only work through my own recovery and let every one else work theirs, including my AH. I can offer support. I can ask for help.
I can completely relate to wanting to have him back the way he used to be. I've said the same senitment about my AH many times and posted it here at SR at least once....
What are you doing for yourself besides finding SR? You also deserve help and support to deal with his addictions and with the hurtful things you've been through.
I can't offer a happy ending; I'm still working my way through my story, page by page - OK, word by word.... Every path to recovery is different; there a parallels and similarities, paths cross, but no one has the same exact family or personal history as any one else, so no one's recovery is exactly like any one else's. I can only work through my own recovery and let every one else work theirs, including my AH. I can offer support. I can ask for help.
I can completely relate to wanting to have him back the way he used to be. I've said the same senitment about my AH many times and posted it here at SR at least once....
What are you doing for yourself besides finding SR? You also deserve help and support to deal with his addictions and with the hurtful things you've been through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you.
I have been focused of him, his health. When I focused on me, it was how can I improve me, what areas need to be changed in me, how can I lessen his triggers in our life, his stress, help him get better. When he first started therapy I was like "this is great, lets get HIM to a place of seeing clearly and then WE can go to a marriage therapist too (i thought to myself, first he will have to stop thinking within all these deceptions and false realities, then we can work on us and the healing) HA!
Yes, I am past that now. It is about me now. Not to disregard him or his feelings or his battle. I am not going to be reliant on his recovery in order to find my own peace, I am not going to wait for his deepest apologies to forgive him. My life, my children, my friendships and my relationship with God brings me a load of happiness apart from him. I reallly want him in that picture.
Thankfully I do have some support, and I have the best friend in the world. I have taken back some control instead of letting myself fear what my actions do to cause him to fall. I can't be perfect, and I can't aim to be perfect with the threat of his sobriety over it. My hope is for him to go into the treatment program, and I'm going to start therapy for me. He needs to take care of him, and I need to take care of me.. I get it. And I agree with it.
A crystal ball would be nice
SoloMio, When I read that your husband was sober for 5 years and now is drinking again, my heart bled for you and I instantly went into a good cry for myself. I realized my fear of the future is not whether or not he will stay sober, if treatment and working the steps will work long term, but it is 'am I strong enough to ever watch this happen again'.. there it is.. and why people say " work on you". Right now my answer is NO I am not.
Anvilhead, I love your reply. I agree 1000% and I think some of what I said in my thread makes excuses for him, not my intention, maybe just a way of explaining what is looks like right now. He is truly busy, yes, but I know he could make meetings just as much as he could be on here at 1am instead of staying up for a last hit. He needs to want it more.. and if he did, one of the times he was at AA he would have gotten a sponsor. It's a battle and since he wants it to be in his control, tells me that he has not chosen which side of it he is on. He calls it cunning, I say "you are the one not standing against that deception with truth"
Please, don't get me wrong. I do not live in a fantasy of wanting who he was 9 years ago. I want him back meaning I want him to live in this world not in his chaos. "Live life on Lifes terms" deal with things and so on...
My dad is an alcoholic. I grew up thinking my mom should divorce. She didn't until I was years out of the house, now she has found happiness. My sister married a crack user who was cheating on her, I told her to run for the hills the first time they separated and she was wondering if she should take him back. She stayed with him until she found another girl in her bed one day coming home early from a trip (3rd girlfriend I think). I honestly feel like my own advice would be to myself "run" if he was a jerk. So, yeah, my own experience in life says these things don't work, that the happy ending is once you move on... once you come to your limit. So I am on here looking for hope, not a certainty or a physic reading, not for someone to be able to give me a definite answer... just hope, because the man he is beneath the addiction is truly amazing.
I have been focused of him, his health. When I focused on me, it was how can I improve me, what areas need to be changed in me, how can I lessen his triggers in our life, his stress, help him get better. When he first started therapy I was like "this is great, lets get HIM to a place of seeing clearly and then WE can go to a marriage therapist too (i thought to myself, first he will have to stop thinking within all these deceptions and false realities, then we can work on us and the healing) HA!
Yes, I am past that now. It is about me now. Not to disregard him or his feelings or his battle. I am not going to be reliant on his recovery in order to find my own peace, I am not going to wait for his deepest apologies to forgive him. My life, my children, my friendships and my relationship with God brings me a load of happiness apart from him. I reallly want him in that picture.
Thankfully I do have some support, and I have the best friend in the world. I have taken back some control instead of letting myself fear what my actions do to cause him to fall. I can't be perfect, and I can't aim to be perfect with the threat of his sobriety over it. My hope is for him to go into the treatment program, and I'm going to start therapy for me. He needs to take care of him, and I need to take care of me.. I get it. And I agree with it.
A crystal ball would be nice
SoloMio, When I read that your husband was sober for 5 years and now is drinking again, my heart bled for you and I instantly went into a good cry for myself. I realized my fear of the future is not whether or not he will stay sober, if treatment and working the steps will work long term, but it is 'am I strong enough to ever watch this happen again'.. there it is.. and why people say " work on you". Right now my answer is NO I am not.
Anvilhead, I love your reply. I agree 1000% and I think some of what I said in my thread makes excuses for him, not my intention, maybe just a way of explaining what is looks like right now. He is truly busy, yes, but I know he could make meetings just as much as he could be on here at 1am instead of staying up for a last hit. He needs to want it more.. and if he did, one of the times he was at AA he would have gotten a sponsor. It's a battle and since he wants it to be in his control, tells me that he has not chosen which side of it he is on. He calls it cunning, I say "you are the one not standing against that deception with truth"
Please, don't get me wrong. I do not live in a fantasy of wanting who he was 9 years ago. I want him back meaning I want him to live in this world not in his chaos. "Live life on Lifes terms" deal with things and so on...
My dad is an alcoholic. I grew up thinking my mom should divorce. She didn't until I was years out of the house, now she has found happiness. My sister married a crack user who was cheating on her, I told her to run for the hills the first time they separated and she was wondering if she should take him back. She stayed with him until she found another girl in her bed one day coming home early from a trip (3rd girlfriend I think). I honestly feel like my own advice would be to myself "run" if he was a jerk. So, yeah, my own experience in life says these things don't work, that the happy ending is once you move on... once you come to your limit. So I am on here looking for hope, not a certainty or a physic reading, not for someone to be able to give me a definite answer... just hope, because the man he is beneath the addiction is truly amazing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think if you want a sliver of hope to grab hold of, yeah, it's there. it's not productive in any way, other than keep some of the sadness, anxiety, and pain of the way you guys are living, at bay.
but, there are people who are in recovery and who stay there. just read on the other threads here (the addicts) for a glimpse.
i'm sorry that your man doesn't seem to get it that he cannot smoke, pop pills, or drink without causing problems for him. it's a world of hurt for you.
welcome to sober recovery.
but, there are people who are in recovery and who stay there. just read on the other threads here (the addicts) for a glimpse.
i'm sorry that your man doesn't seem to get it that he cannot smoke, pop pills, or drink without causing problems for him. it's a world of hurt for you.
welcome to sober recovery.
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