ADaughter need advice

Old 05-17-2010, 09:44 PM
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cab
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ADaughter need advice

I have been here before and now need more advice. My daughter is an alcoholic. She has been in treatment (lasted 8 months), outpatient and some AA. She and her husband (non drinker) have 4 boys, 3 of his from previous marriage and my grandson. He is trying his best to get her to admit she still needs help and keep the family together. I can deal with her in that I know I cannot "make" her well. I can give advice and set boundries and anything else but I cannot fix her. My main concern is my 5 year old grandson. He is not being abused in the actual sense, but I know he can tell there are major problems and that they are affecting him. We try our best to be there for him and are lucky to live close enough to keep he almost every other weekend.
Now the problem I am writing about, she has again started to drink between work and home (husband won't let her drink at home). Most of the time it is just enough to give her a buzz, but sometimes she is stumbling drunk. Should I give them an utilmatim that either he or I pick my grandson up from daycare or I call the authorities about her. This would be tough for both him and I because of our jobs but I would make it happen. I cannot bear the thought of her hurting him because he cannot protect himself. But I could open a big can of worms with SRS or cops and lose him anyway. I really don't trust government agencies with actually helping. I don't know what he or her would say to this.

Scared and worried.
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Old 05-18-2010, 04:48 AM
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Should I give them an utilmatim that either he or I pick my grandson up from daycare or I call the authorities about her.

I'm wondering why the daycare center hasn't called the authorities yet?

You are still trying to control her drinking.

The three C's:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You won't cure it

In my experience, your picking up grandson and delivering him home to his parents just gives her a safety net for drinking. She can drink on the way home without her child in the car. She will still drink. She will still arrive home tipsy, buzzed, sloshed, etc. She is an alcoholic. She will continue to drink.

In addition, your keeping grandson every other weekend also gives her space and time to drink and give up her responsibilities as a parent. It's like a drinking vacation every other weekend.

Hi, I'm Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic. I loved it when my parents took responsibility for my children. It was like having a permission slip from mom to go get drunk.

My parents love wasn't strong enough to get and keep me sober. I had to do it for myself, by myself (with support from other recovering alcoholics).

Have you tried Alanon meetings again since your last post?
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Old 05-18-2010, 05:26 AM
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Consequences are what helps sometimes with seeing that a person does have a problem and need help. I know that I have tried to keep my A from facing consequences.
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Old 05-18-2010, 07:59 AM
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cab
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I hear what you are saying and you are 100% correct. I am taking a responsibility away from her. She does not have the control or the decision making to not put him or the other kids in danger when she drives drunk.
What I hear you guys say, either right or wrong, is let her put those kids in danger and I should just accept it and pray and hope nothing happens to them. I cannot do that. Children need nurturing and protecting by all adults, they did not choose to be in danger and they trust.
This is my main problem with Al-anon groups, is that I am not doing anything to stop her from drinking or drive her to drinking, that is her choice and yes it does affect me but I can deal with that. The kids don't get a choice. You want me to accept that what happened in New Jersey(?) where a drunk/high mother killed herself, 3 nephews/nieces, her 2 year old daughter and 2 other people because she was chugging vodka and driving is acceptable and inevitable.
I believe it is for my daughter, but I am not going to allow the kids to be in that danger if I can ( and there is very little I can do). If I knew this about other children, I would be doing the same thing. I pray every night to protect children from adults so that they can grow up and be happy.
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:08 AM
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You DO NOT have to accept her putting your grandson in danger.

However, you may have to accept that the legal method of protecting him you are refusing to engage - reporting this behavior CPS, who have the power to take action to protect him.

If CPS does not know, they cannot act. You are acting as judge about them, before giving them opportunity to act on his behalf.

If a daycare, school, or health care worker is made aware of this, they are legally responsible to report it to CPS.

CLMI
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:41 AM
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alcohol and drug abuse do not constitute 'neglect or abuse' in many states. Hard to believe, but it's true. You would need to check with your local jurisdiction.
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Old 05-18-2010, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
In my experience, your picking up grandson and delivering him home to his parents just gives her a safety net for drinking. She can drink on the way home without her child in the car. She will still drink. She will still arrive home tipsy, buzzed, sloshed, etc. She is an alcoholic. She will continue to drink.

In addition, your keeping grandson every other weekend also gives her space and time to drink and give up her responsibilities as a parent. It's like a drinking vacation every other weekend.

Hi, I'm Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic. I loved it when my parents took responsibility for my children. It was like having a permission slip from mom to go get drunk.

My parents love wasn't strong enough to get and keep me sober. I had to do it for myself, by myself (with support from other recovering alcoholics).

Have you tried Alanon meetings again since your last post?
Pelican, can I just say I think you are amazing? Being able to be honest about what you thought about your parents' taking responsbility for your kids? I am hoping my AH will get to that point some day.... (But I'll keep working my own recovery in the meantime.)

cab, I agree with catlovermi. You don't have to accept her putting your grandson (or the other people on the road/sidewalk/etc.) in danger. You have courses of action available to you. Perhaps dealing with the repercussions of her actions would be what your AD needs to see she has a problem...??..

I made the mistake of assuming that my in-laws would not support me when dealing with my AH's cr**. I was afraid to ask them for help. I initially (and, honestly, until just recently) left them out of the loop, so I wasn't able to use what is turning out to be a very strong support line. We're now starting to be able to talk and keep each other up-to-date on the latest round of manipulation tactics and support each other through it.

Not sure how things sit between you and SIL. Are the lines of communication between you open? Can you talk with him about the situation? Perhaps together come up with boundaries to set for your daughter that you can both up hold and then set them out to her together?
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:05 PM
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do you believe that your daughter is drinking daily? and driving children around, while under the influence, daily? i'm not sure what the best course of action is, but i think having an honest talk with your son-in-law is a good start. if it is predictable that she will show up at a daycare center sloshed, then i would think they'd pick up on that pretty quickly. and if they don't? maybe the director at the center could be tipped off that this is a daily, or frequent, occurence? that seems to possibly be a way to get protection for the children, yet you are not in the middle.
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Old 05-19-2010, 09:37 AM
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My AD did not drive with her kids in the car cause she had no car. However, she was "out of it" enough to where she could not provide adequate care to her two girls (ages 8 and 9). Last April, she was addicted to Xanax, and "forgot" to get them off the school bus. The school called me and I promptly left my job to get them from school. This happened twice. Several times, the girls would call me at night and I'd ask where mommy was, and they'd say "she's sleeping" (meanwhile it's 6:30 - 7 pm). I'd go pick them up and bring them to my house. I, like you, had them every weekend cause that was when she'd party the most. I thought I was protecting the girls. I finally realized I was enabling my daughter. I gave her the ultimatum, get help or I'm going to court to get your girls legally. Of course, she got help, went to inpatient for two whole weeks!!!! (sarcasm) while I watched her girls. The first day of school this year, she "forgot" to get them off the bus again! School called me, I ran and got them. Same pattern again! I made it too easy for her again! Mom will just get them from school, somebody always comes to the rescue. But, my granddaughter told her teacher how her mom takes pills, drinks and sleeps alot, and school called cps.

I have had my granddaughters since Sept 2009. Dealing with cps is not fun, believe me, and I'm having a hard time getting custody due to my husband being an alcoholic in recovery. But I am upfront and honest w/cps, and I am very proud of my granddaughter for telling her teacher. My daughter still has not gotten the help she needs, but what I have come to realize is, I was trying to "protect" the girls, but yet I was enabling her. Now that I have them, I am keeping them safe, but no longer enabling her. I totally agree with Pelican, it's almost as if you are "rewarding" her drinking by picking up her child (you need to remember, alcoholics do not think like you and I). You picking up your grandson from daycare is enabling her to drink and get away with it. No consequences there! There really is no easy solution for you here, but I know others will come up with some great ideas.
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