Here I am again.
Still Standing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Here I am again.
Well, I haven't been on here in quite some time. So so much has been going on in my life. But here I am back again. I'm just so sad. I actually don't know what I'm feeling. My 34 yr. old Son just had another big verbal altercation with his Dad & Me.
I'm here because I know that you all understand what I talking about when I say that I just don't really know what to think or feel about any of it. It's just another variation of the same heated discussions we've had over the last 15 yrs. They are much more severe now because I have a 17 mo. old grandson in the mix. It seems that the same problems and worries over his drug addiction just sprout out into so many different directions. It affects everything & everyone that we care about in our lives.
It's like the whole thing is so "old hat" that I'm sortof numb. I do feel it hurting but I just can't seem to let myself feel & hurt the way that I have for so many years. I'm not doing well at all, my husband is not doing well, and my grown son went away crying. It's just so much "a no-win situation" and I have to say that I'm just so tired of dealing with it at all. It really feels like "what's the use anymore in trying". I'm so tired of it all. I just can't believe this ever happened to our family and it's just never-ending, it seems.
I'm here because I know that you all understand what I talking about when I say that I just don't really know what to think or feel about any of it. It's just another variation of the same heated discussions we've had over the last 15 yrs. They are much more severe now because I have a 17 mo. old grandson in the mix. It seems that the same problems and worries over his drug addiction just sprout out into so many different directions. It affects everything & everyone that we care about in our lives.
It's like the whole thing is so "old hat" that I'm sortof numb. I do feel it hurting but I just can't seem to let myself feel & hurt the way that I have for so many years. I'm not doing well at all, my husband is not doing well, and my grown son went away crying. It's just so much "a no-win situation" and I have to say that I'm just so tired of dealing with it at all. It really feels like "what's the use anymore in trying". I'm so tired of it all. I just can't believe this ever happened to our family and it's just never-ending, it seems.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I am really sorry to hear your story. I have an AD (18 yrs old) and I am already tired!I just got back from an Alanon mtg though and they really do help. I am still learning to let her go and get out of the way so she can live her own life.. so hard.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I remember the pain from those verbal altercations and hope I never experience them again. I hope you're feeling at least a little bit better today.
What is it that you're trying to do?
It really feels like "what's the use anymore in trying".
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
No wise words, just support and hugs. I know how defeating this can all feel. Their were days when all I wanted or could do was just lay around. I realize that that got me nowhere and that the only thing I could do was hold my head up and put one foot in front of the other. Hope you feel better and more hopeful today.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I'm sorry you're caught on the rollercoaster.
I have a 29 yr old son who struggles with addiction - claims he has 10 months clean, but doesn't work much of a program - I always wonder what the "real" truth is.
Anyway, when I can, I try to work on me, care about me, think about me - I attend NarAnon and AlAnon for the support I need to remember "my son's life is not my life."
Take care of yourself.
I have a 29 yr old son who struggles with addiction - claims he has 10 months clean, but doesn't work much of a program - I always wonder what the "real" truth is.
Anyway, when I can, I try to work on me, care about me, think about me - I attend NarAnon and AlAnon for the support I need to remember "my son's life is not my life."
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
This can be a tough one. Right now my son is living with us and holding to the rules we have here. He's attending meetings nightly, working hard and seems to be doing well for today.He will be moving soon into his own home and hopefully can keep up the good work. So, it doesn't matter if they live with us or not~~~~its up to them to stay strong and healthy. In your situation I would also be asking her to leave. I don't want to live with addiction around me at all......and you don't need that either. No alcohol or drugs are allowed here by him...and your son should be respecting that of you also...hang in there mom. Hopefully he'll be just fine.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Nina Kay)))
As you well know, I`ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. For me, the only way to stop the insanity was to go to meetings and get myself strong enough to do what I needed to do.
Sadly, they aren`t the ones who change, so we need to do what we need to do to protect ourselves.
We`re here to walk with you, I`m glad you came back to share.
Big Mama to Mama Hugs
As you well know, I`ve been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. For me, the only way to stop the insanity was to go to meetings and get myself strong enough to do what I needed to do.
Sadly, they aren`t the ones who change, so we need to do what we need to do to protect ourselves.
We`re here to walk with you, I`m glad you came back to share.
Big Mama to Mama Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Nina, I can relate. I too have a 29 year old drug addict for a son. I can't even begin to tell you what it's done to me. There isn't enough time in the year to describe my situation, so we will keep this about you. Just remember. There is always HOPE. The good news is amongst all of the heartache and sorrow, is that it can get better, if your son is willing to work at it. The fact that he has a 17 month old baby in the midst might be one of the reasons he will be willing to change. Sending a prayer up to GOD for your son and his entire family. I truly understand what your going through. Take care of YOU. I fell apart over my son. And that's definitely not the answer.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Nina,
Hugs to you.
I feel as if we're walking in the same shoes! My oldest son, 37, is in prison for dealing, and has a 14 mos. old son.
Alanon has truly helped me through many a meltdown, and I now know enough, to not subject myself to my sons verbal abuse. I walk away, or hang up.
I can really sympathize with how you are feeling, it sometimes gets to me, too.
Especially when I wander sometimes and think of my grandsons future.
Hugs, from one grandmom to another......
Hugs to you.
I feel as if we're walking in the same shoes! My oldest son, 37, is in prison for dealing, and has a 14 mos. old son.
Alanon has truly helped me through many a meltdown, and I now know enough, to not subject myself to my sons verbal abuse. I walk away, or hang up.
I can really sympathize with how you are feeling, it sometimes gets to me, too.
Especially when I wander sometimes and think of my grandsons future.
Hugs, from one grandmom to another......
Still Standing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Thanks everyone for your wonderful support & understanding. I really needed it. I knew that I could count on my SR Family for that.
I still haven't heard from our son since he came here to get his baby from me while in tears. I had kept the baby that day & had wanted him to come & get him, as I didn't have my carseat to take him to him. We had the verbal confrontation because he wouldn't come on & I had things that I needed to get done, which he knew. When he did get more heated and the actual screaming at me began, I did hang up on him, which I've done many times, so that he knows it's because I'm not allowing him to talk to me that way. He then called his Dad to tell him how horrible I was & what I wasn't allowed to say to him in front of his son and his Dad let him know what's what, so that he got so angry that he told him their relationship would never be the same after that. He then called his sister to tell her how horrible we were & she very carefully told him that all of this was happening because of his drug use & if he would get clean & remain that way, these problems between us would cease to exist. So he was done with her too.
It's just all too overly sad and I just don't feel that I have enough emotions & strength left to even deal with it. I sortof feel like I must not even care like I used to because I seem to be just going on with things. He's so very special to me, but he's hurt us so badly for so very long, and there is nothing that I can do about it that will even begin to make any difference. I feel just sad.
I'm worried about my grandbaby, but I know that God is definitely taking care of him. And my son is a good daddy, I just worry that his thinking and reactions are distorted because of the drugs.
I still haven't heard from our son since he came here to get his baby from me while in tears. I had kept the baby that day & had wanted him to come & get him, as I didn't have my carseat to take him to him. We had the verbal confrontation because he wouldn't come on & I had things that I needed to get done, which he knew. When he did get more heated and the actual screaming at me began, I did hang up on him, which I've done many times, so that he knows it's because I'm not allowing him to talk to me that way. He then called his Dad to tell him how horrible I was & what I wasn't allowed to say to him in front of his son and his Dad let him know what's what, so that he got so angry that he told him their relationship would never be the same after that. He then called his sister to tell her how horrible we were & she very carefully told him that all of this was happening because of his drug use & if he would get clean & remain that way, these problems between us would cease to exist. So he was done with her too.
It's just all too overly sad and I just don't feel that I have enough emotions & strength left to even deal with it. I sortof feel like I must not even care like I used to because I seem to be just going on with things. He's so very special to me, but he's hurt us so badly for so very long, and there is nothing that I can do about it that will even begin to make any difference. I feel just sad.
I'm worried about my grandbaby, but I know that God is definitely taking care of him. And my son is a good daddy, I just worry that his thinking and reactions are distorted because of the drugs.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I understand ((Nina)). I've had some of the same type of conversations with my son. I too hang up, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Hang in there and hang around...we're here for you
(((Hugs)))
Hang in there and hang around...we're here for you
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Awhhh Nina, My heart goes out to you because I completely understand your exhaustion and pain. I have experienced incredible heartache with my sons addiction. I don't blame you for hanging up on him. He doesn't have the right to scream at you, and disrespect you like that. If you don't mind me asking what types of drugs is your son using? I ask this because different drugs affect the brain differently. Eventually he is going to have to stop. No matter what, he will eventually hit a wall when it comes to drug use. There is no successful way to be an addict. Even millionaire movie stars have to stop using.
My son is 29 yrs old, and 7 days clean today. The insanity behind his drug use is so ridiculous I can't tell you what he has put our family through. Addiction is a family disease, and affects everyone who loves the addict. When he cleans up he will realize that he is wrong. And you will still love him and forgive him.
I'm sending up a prayer for your son. I don't know his name, but GOD does. 3 weeks ago I didn't know where my son was. He was out on a binge and wouldn't answer his phone. I prayed and Prayed, and today he has 7 days free of drugs and cigarettes too. That's a miracle in itself.
There is always hope. Go to Naranon. You will get tools to learn how to deal with the addict and the manipulation. You will also learn how to take care of YOU.
My son's addiction almost killed me. I couldn't function. Couldn't eat or sleep.
And Naranon really opened my eyes to the fact that I have to take care of ME.
It doesn't mean I don't love my son.
Hang in there Nina. Alot of other Mom's know what your going through.
My son is 29 yrs old, and 7 days clean today. The insanity behind his drug use is so ridiculous I can't tell you what he has put our family through. Addiction is a family disease, and affects everyone who loves the addict. When he cleans up he will realize that he is wrong. And you will still love him and forgive him.
I'm sending up a prayer for your son. I don't know his name, but GOD does. 3 weeks ago I didn't know where my son was. He was out on a binge and wouldn't answer his phone. I prayed and Prayed, and today he has 7 days free of drugs and cigarettes too. That's a miracle in itself.
There is always hope. Go to Naranon. You will get tools to learn how to deal with the addict and the manipulation. You will also learn how to take care of YOU.
My son's addiction almost killed me. I couldn't function. Couldn't eat or sleep.
And Naranon really opened my eyes to the fact that I have to take care of ME.
It doesn't mean I don't love my son.
Hang in there Nina. Alot of other Mom's know what your going through.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((nina kay))
Acceptance. Such a seemingly simple word, but so very hard sometimes to do. He is who he is. He will continue to be the way he is. As you know, nothing you say or do will change that. It really hurts, I know. It is frustrating and can rip a family to shreds.
Sometimes, when you feel you've done everything you can do, said everything you can say, tried everything you can try, worked on your boundaries and what you can and can not change, then it is time to quit trying. When your heart is heavy enough to feel that way, then it is time.
Time to just quit trying and hand it over to your HP.
When I reach that point, where I've beat myself up trying to figure out what to do any more, I have to make myself stop and re-prioritize everything in my life. I imagine if I only had one more day of this life, how would I spend that time? what things are important? Those things become my priorities, the rest, I let go and hand them over with a prayer.
Sending you lots of Hugs and Prayers
B
Acceptance. Such a seemingly simple word, but so very hard sometimes to do. He is who he is. He will continue to be the way he is. As you know, nothing you say or do will change that. It really hurts, I know. It is frustrating and can rip a family to shreds.
Sometimes, when you feel you've done everything you can do, said everything you can say, tried everything you can try, worked on your boundaries and what you can and can not change, then it is time to quit trying. When your heart is heavy enough to feel that way, then it is time.
Time to just quit trying and hand it over to your HP.
When I reach that point, where I've beat myself up trying to figure out what to do any more, I have to make myself stop and re-prioritize everything in my life. I imagine if I only had one more day of this life, how would I spend that time? what things are important? Those things become my priorities, the rest, I let go and hand them over with a prayer.
Sending you lots of Hugs and Prayers
B
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Originally Posted by frankly 
((nina kay))
Acceptance. Such a seemingly simple word, but so very hard sometimes to do. He is who he is. He will continue to be the way he is. As you know, nothing you say or do will change that. It really hurts, I know. It is frustrating and can rip a family to shreds.
Sometimes, when you feel you've done everything you can do, said everything you can say, tried everything you can try, worked on your boundaries and what you can and can not change, then it is time to quit trying. When your heart is heavy enough to feel that way, then it is time.
Time to just quit trying and hand it over to your HP.
When I reach that point, where I've beat myself up trying to figure out what to do any more, I have to make myself stop and re-prioritize everything in my life. I imagine if I only had one more day of this life, how would I spend that time? what things are important? Those things become my priorities, the rest, I let go and hand them over with a prayer.
Sending you lots of Hugs and Prayers
B
Acceptance. Such a seemingly simple word, but so very hard sometimes to do. He is who he is. He will continue to be the way he is. As you know, nothing you say or do will change that. It really hurts, I know. It is frustrating and can rip a family to shreds.
Sometimes, when you feel you've done everything you can do, said everything you can say, tried everything you can try, worked on your boundaries and what you can and can not change, then it is time to quit trying. When your heart is heavy enough to feel that way, then it is time.
Time to just quit trying and hand it over to your HP.
When I reach that point, where I've beat myself up trying to figure out what to do any more, I have to make myself stop and re-prioritize everything in my life. I imagine if I only had one more day of this life, how would I spend that time? what things are important? Those things become my priorities, the rest, I let go and hand them over with a prayer.
Sending you lots of Hugs and Prayers
B
The only problem is that when it's your child, and you have done and said everything you possibly could, and your exhausted, and frightened, it doesn't matter to a MOM. Most MOM'S, not all, I say MOST, can not give it to a higher power, and refuse to give up on their baby. No matter how old, how big, or how messed up they are. The Love remains the same. It's tough, and that's why I said Nar-a-non is helpful. I only went a few times, but learned so much. They gave me some tools to help myself. I'm still trying to give my almost 30 year old son over to GOD. I do, but then I always take the worry back. A mothers love is so unselfish. Your words make sense Frankly, they really do. And you say he is who he is. The whole time my son was using, that wasn't him. Those drugs turned him into a completely different person. He has 8 days clean today, and sounds like his normal self. It's amazing.
I don't know about Nina Kay, and I can't speak for anyone but me, but, I will NEVER accept my son being a drug addict. It's unacceptable to me. I can accept who he is normally, but not on substances.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((Nina Kay))))))))
You sound so tired and worn out. I'm glad you reached out to your SR family.
I don't have any words of wisdom. The only thing I do know is that you never know what the future holds. Things might seem so hopeless...like they'll never get any better...but you never know what plans your HP has for your son. Try, if you can, to place your son in his care and give yourself some extra love and TLC.
I've missed you and I'm so glad you're back.
You sound so tired and worn out. I'm glad you reached out to your SR family.
I don't have any words of wisdom. The only thing I do know is that you never know what the future holds. Things might seem so hopeless...like they'll never get any better...but you never know what plans your HP has for your son. Try, if you can, to place your son in his care and give yourself some extra love and TLC.
I've missed you and I'm so glad you're back.
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