Jenny1232

Here I am, again. Right where I left off. I'm sure it won't be the last time I'm here in this pathetic, miserable spot. I'm sure some of you are getting sick of my sappy posts anyways, but it's my only source of solace right now. I don't really have any friends anymore. It's raining, and yucky out.. and I'm left alone. I know this is my choice, I just don't know why I continue to make this choice.

Well we got in that fight yesterday. He sent me a text saying, "I'm sorry, I love you, and we'll start over tomorrow". Well tomorrow came. We were supposed to go to the gym today. Instead, he didn't talk to me the entire day. I have no idea where he is. I'm assuming he went to his co-workers to drink. I'm assuming tomorrow he will want to return to normal. I'm also assuming this is his goodbye. I feel it is the end, yet again. I don't want to do this anymore, yet I do not have the strength to stop.

I'm so sick of this cycle. I just want to get out of it.. and I'm so weak. I know I'm making excuses, it's all I ever do. This is "normal" to me, all I know.. but I want to know something else.

Please pray for me. Please pray I find the strength to accept this.. and move on. I can not live the rest of my life like this. Him flipping out just to get a few free days to binge drink.

Everything he said. All the effort he said he'd put into it.. right down the drain. This is not effort to me. This is betrayal. He is betraying me for alcohol. Am I really even that important to him? Why does he tell me all those things, but he never follows through?

Why do I cry every single time? Why do I fall back into his trap? Why do I make excuses for him?

I can't believe how naive I am.

Jenny1232

Thanks.. I know.. It's like.. I WANT to leave him.. and I WANT to be with him. It's a sick cycle.. but I know in my heart I don't want to anymore.

I'm scared to be alone.

I looked for an al-anon meeting today.. and I saw one was for ala-teen.. it's the only one nearby.. Could I still attend, being 23?

Jenny1232

and I really need to say thank you again to everyone. I know I'm weak.. but I'm also stronger than I have EVER been... and I know it has a lot to do this this forum. It has led me to discover SO much. I called more therapists today. I've been getting calls back, but they're not really at times I can attend. I did find one, who cannot get me in for a month. It's a start though. I also ordered the CODA twelve step book.

I really am working on ME, and my progress. I guess it just takes a while.. and he is my addiction.. and with addiction AND recovery, comes relapse. Perhaps, I am relapsing?

I sound ******** now. I'm really upset. Crying because I know what needs to be done, yet the truth scares me.

Yet.

When I look at him, I think ew.

rki84

You'll figure this out.. you're STRONG. You'll get there.

rki84

If you're thinking ew... that should be a huge help to taking that first step

hello-kitty

(((hugs)))

You're not alone. Just do what you can do.

Soph

Have you bought Codependent No More? That helped me a lot.

Hugs,
Soph

Angelic17

Jen, your man probably does love you very much, but the power of addiction leaves loved ones and responsibilities by the wayside. He is a human being, and he is also an addict to alcohol. So, you can set the pace by giving him an ultimatum. Get straight, or I'm gone. And mean it. Addiction is more powerful than love believe it or not, and it usually takes alot to overcome. His addiction has nothing to do with you, or his love for you . It's all about him. You set the pace honey. This cycle you go through is called the dance of addiction. It's very common, and truthfully your not the addict. You have more power than he does right now. You don't have to participate in this, if its hurting you and not working for you. You will figure it out. We are here to support you. Someone will say something that will click in your mind, and you will make the right decision. I wish you Peace and hope you have the outcome that you wish for.

dollydo

At your young age I wouldn't worry about being alone. You have your whole life ahead of you, there will be many opportunities for you to connect with someone who truely has your best interest at heart, treats you with respect and yes, loves you. To me,
the guy you are with just doesn't sound like Mr. Right.

Someday, you will move forward,and, leave him for good. This will only happen when you are 100% ready, when that time comes you will walk away, and, know in your heart that you have made the right decision for you.

Keep focusing on you.

Jenny1232

... I know he is not Mr. Right. For so long now, I've wanted him to be. I just know he's not the one.

I've said it before, and if I weren't so scared of being alone, I'd think I mean it. I'd rather be alone, then bound and tortured in his sick game.

Everytime we break up.. I get the I will change and the I love you, I took you for granted, I will do anything, etc. It's sickening at this point. I'm sorry for him. He's just a lost cause for ME. I do hope one day he gets help.

I still haven't heard from him. All day. Normally, he'd be next to me right now. That was the plan... he has completely blown me off. I'm shocked, but not really. We put so much into getting back together, and he's right back where we has with being cruel to me. This silent treatment is so disrespectful. I would understand if he had just sent me a text message telling me he needed more space. Instead he said nothing, he just blew me off. We live together. He is not home. He did not come home. He did not let me know he wouldn't be coming home. It's just really cruel and disrespectful to me. I'm not even mad anymore, to be honest. I don't think I'm even that sad. It's the name of the game. I just know what needs to happen. Hopefully, sooner than later.

He tried to "change" for me. For all the wrong reasons. I guess he realized he couldn't do it any longer.. that, the urge to drink was just more powerful. I imagine once he's had his fix, he'll be ready for his next dosage of Jenny Love. I just hope.. this time I can say no.

dollydo

I am as old as dirt, yet, I too fell for the line "I will change". I believed that love alone could change him, not his love for me, but, mine for him.

Did it happen, no...why? For so many reasons, number one being that he loved alcohol and drugs more than he loved himself, thus, he could not love me or another.

I could not change his destiny, I could only change mine...and, I did.

You hold the key to your happinees in the palm of your hand, use it, unlock the door, walk through it, there is a whole new world on the other side. You won't regret your decision.

Angelic17

Jenn, I noticed you said he tried to change for YOU!!!! Well, that never works. He has to change for HIMSELF. Like I said, this has nothing to do with you. I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing your a young beautiful girl with a bright future. This guy is going to pull you down. I know I'm not supposed to give advice on this site, and I know we should only show support, but it my opinion it's time for you to find another place to live. Without him. My heart goes out to you cause it hurts alot when relationships end. But remember, when one door closes, another one usually opens. Hang in there and be strong and calm. No fighting, no drama. You keep control, cause if he is drunk, he wont have control. Saying a little prayer for you Jenn

Jenny1232

Thanks so much for the prayers, I need them. I'm not really religious.. wish I were, trying to be, but not. I don't know how to pray for myself. You guys are so sweet. I'm 23, and I am young, and apparently I'm beautiful too.

That's the one thing I've been telling myself.. just how much he brings me down. School has fallen to the wayside.. still in it, but not as involved. Drinking and smoking picked up. Crying increased. Worry and anxiety, unhappiness and depression took over. Loss of climbing and biking ceased to exist.

Every part of the newer me; the healthier and recovering self.. disentegrated. I'm taking it back. Peice by peice. Every hurtful word he says to me.. through words or even actions, fall off my love for him, and add to the love I have for myself. I lost most friends while dating him. I'm trying to meet new people. Develop healthy relationships for myself. I'm actually glad he isn't here tonight. I just don't like him that much right now. I would rather be indulging in my virtual world here. Doubtful I will be able to sleep, we'll see.

I really just need to vent, rant, talk, get it all out. This really helps me stick to the idea that I don't need him. I only need myself. I need to finally, after ten years.. date myself. I've never been single really, and man, do I need to.

Dollydo,

I can honestly say to myself.. that if I left him, in a year I know I wouldn't regret it. If he'd even be alive at that point, I'd know he'd be the same as he is now. While some women may be able to tolerate it, I know I can not. Maybe he doesn't drink too much. Maybe I am too uptight. We're all allowed to decide what works, and does not work for us. Someone who drinks often, does NOT work for me.

Funny thing is - he says when he has kids, he will NEVER drink. How can you prove that to even yourself, if you cannot quit now? How will you ever get to the point of being ready for kids, if you do not prepare yourself? He keeps saying he isn't ready.. at 30, will you ever be ready if you cannot get yourself together now? He's FAR from where he needs to be.

He has a good heart, he really does. He wants all the things a normal person does. He just lets his addiction control him. He is in denial, and seeks nothing. He knows I am codependent, and he knows I am here waiting when he's ready to come back. I'm not going to be there much longer.

Angelic17

Jenny, do you have some where else to go if you wanted to leave and get out of the relationship? You seem smart. Take your focus off of him, and throw yourself into your school work. Cause if hes on alcohol and drugs, he is going to have nothing to offer you financially or emotionally. Do you want to support a drunk and an addict? Get your education, and go to a Naranon meeting. You will learn how to take care of yourself, and put yourself before the addict. Because, believe it or not, the addict gets relief from his misery, even if it's only temporary. He gets relief by using. The person who loves the addict. Doesn't have that option. Don't you start smoking and drinking. Cause it won't help. Trust me. That much I know. I was the Queen of weed when I was young. It got me nowhere. When I stopped getting high, and hanging out with people that use drugs and alcohol. I was able to have educational, and financial success. Trust me. My son is 29 and in a hospital detoxing from opiates as I type. He is my heart, and I pray that he is done. But this is his 7th attempt to get clean and stay clean. Addiction is not curable. And it is resistant to treatment, and subject to relapse. You are young and can find a good clean person to share the same interests. I wish that for you. If you were my daughter, that's what I would want for you. You will get out, when you have had enough. I wish you the best.

Wanttobefree

Hi Jenny. I came to this post a lot when things got rough. It was my only source of solice too. It helped a lot to vent and get some good advice and encouragement. I could have written your post, many times. I do not give advice, heavens knows I don't want that responsibility. I will tell you some things I've learned, now that things have changed for the better for me. I've learned that you can cry buckets, literally buckets of tears, you can be depressed and hurt and immobilized with fear and guess what? It's all a waste of time. He's doing what he wants to do, probably without a clue of how devasted you are, either that or he doesn't care, mine didn't. And you are right, it is a cycle. I don't think you are naive, I think you are hooked. I know with my AH, his binges meant way more to him than I did. Way more. I just couldn't face that fact, because when he would sober up, he was a different person. So, there's the hook. It's a vicious cycle. It was normal for me too. But since my AH has sobered up, and I've had a couple of years to heal, and look back and analzye, I have come to the conclusion that I was and alway have been, stronger than him. I just didn't know it. I functioned through pain, raised kids to the best of my ability through pain and fear and heartache, when the plain fact was, I should have simply drop kicked him over the fence and found someone that could treat me decent. He treats me decent now, and between the 2 lifestyles, being treated decent is a much more wonderful world to live in. He decided to sober up when I decided the pain of staying was more than the pain of leaving. Isn't that nice? I should have gotten to that point many, many years before I did. In closing, I would like to point out that your self esteem is probably long gone, but you are worth so much more than to be treated badly. Everyone is. Be nice to yourself. Be very nice to yourself. Quit being predictable in his presence. Instead of tears, when you see or talk to him next, be happy, cheerful and filled with joy. At the very least he'll wonder what the heck is going on. It's just as easy to be happy as it is to beat yourself up. Same expenditure of energy. I'm just saying that I wasted WAY to much time being upset. Way to much time. And he didn't even know it, or care. That made me a pinhead, as far as I'm concerned. Now I'm not a pinhead, I took my happiness back, not because of him, in spite of him. My life, my feelings, my choices and he can do what he wants. I will be happy. Period. Good luck to you, and read some Wayne Dyer, that'll help a lot.

Jenny1232

I certainly do. Home with my parents - and it's fine by me. I've got three adorable dogs to cuddle with! Actually, he has nothing to offer financially. He makes MORE than I do, has LESS bills, and honestly, I'm HIS sugarmama. I loan him money every week. He usually pays me back, but he's in a deficit of close to a thousand dollars with me. Whatever, I no longer care. I can cut my losses. I'm terrified to marry this guy, and have a family. He always says, "we'd be fine financially, I'd take good care of you, I'd be more careful with my money". I can't believe his words, when he has nothing to show for himself. I have no idea where is money goes each week.

Actually, I smoked weed everyday, for four years straight. I quit five years ago, and haven't taken a single hit since. I've been damned tempted, and it's around me a lot, but I always decline. (on a side note: I've lately been depressed.. and I keep thinking how nice it would be to just become a drug addict. They ignore problems, and don't deal with reality, and I'm just tempted).

HOWEVER, I am so much smarter than that. I have dealt with and overcome SEVERAL addictions, and I WILL NOT go back. I was extremely tempted to just get drunk tonight, but I came here instead. One day at a time.

My heart goes out to you for your son. You seem so incredibly sweet, thank you for talking me through this. It won't be a surpise if I drop everything, and act like nothing happened when he comes back, but I'm trying to stand firm. If not for today, but then for tomorrow. I no I have neared the end of the rope. I'm hanging on, but just barely. I don't think it will take much for my to fall.. is it even falling, it's living. Hitting the ground running! Every time I write here... I gain so much for inspiration and strength.

Jenny1232

What does Wayne Dyer write about? I will have to look that up. I'm so happy your story has a happier ending! I left him once, and he sobered up from my problem then, pain pills. Maybe, he'll see this problem. Who knows, but really, who cares?

I do need to focus on me.. and I am. You're right. The one thing I credit myself on, is feeling my pain. I'm not on drugs anymore. I hurt. I cry. I scream and yell. It's MY release. Yeah, it hurts like Hell, but it's healthy. I do feel strong in that regard, so go me! That's the thing about him that disgusts me. He can't deal with lifes issues. Things get tough.. at work, in love, at home, whatever it may be, and it's another excuse to drink. I've just had enough. His surrounding friends are all alcoholics too. It's normal to him. He's not as bad as some of them, so it's easily justifiable for him. I've already decided when I see him, I'm not going to say much regarding this. I will not cry for him. I will not express to him how much it hurt me. He doesn't need to know, because that only gives him power. I will continue on taking care of me. Tomorrow, I'm checking out that tuesday alanon meeting too!

Pelican

[QUOTE=Jenny1232;2601109He always says, "we'd be fine financially, I'd take good care of you, I'd be more careful with my money". I can't believe his words, when he has nothing to show for himself..[/QUOTE]

Look at his actions.

His words are meaningless.

Angelic17

(((((((((((((((((Jenny))))))))))))))))))))))) Wanttobefree is right. He is out there doing what he wants to do, and your sitting there waiting for him, and crying. And knowing that if he comes home and loves you, you will forget all of the grief, and fall for his lines. I did the same crap at your age. He has no clue to your feelings cause he is numb to all the garbage he puts in his body. I too suffered with addiction and I will have 5 yrs clean on May29. My drug was weed, and vicodins. It was tough, but I did it. No program, no doctors, no nothing. But for the 10 years that I used, nobody could tell me anything. I didn't think I had a problem. Then one day I looked at myself, and said ENOUGH. And just like that, I was done. Don't wish to be an addict so you wont care about stuff. Even addicts get a moment of clarity, and realize that their life is in the toilet. Addicts are just people with a problem. Some of the best people are addicts and I'm sure there is something about your boyfriend, that is great. He might be smart, handsome and sexy. He might have a good heart. But, if he is an addict, the truth is, your in for a life of hell. And if you get married and have kids, your bonded for life. It's harder to get rid of all the hell that comes with addiction. And he will drain you dry. He's already started. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to run as fast as you can. Go home, and stay with your parents. Make something out of yourself. You can still Love him, but you don't have to sit there and be his door mat. I don't have the right to tell you all of this, but you seem to need someone older, to let you know your worth so much more. If you ever need someone to talk to, stop by my page and call on me.

HealingWillCome

This is great advice. I haven't had any communication with my XABF for over 4 weeks now, but I know that day will come (not by choice, probably by accident). Every day for me is still filled with some degree of pain, but I DO NOT want him to know that. I am praying, praying, praying that when I do have to see him or speak to him at some point that I will be exactly what you said -- happy, cheerful, and filled with joy!!!