Jenny1232

Yesterday was a bad day. All weekend, he just wanted to get drunk. He knew I didn't want to. Saturday he had six beers and two margarittas, and that wasn't enough. Sunday, he had a couple beer and some jello shooters. He then, abruptly, got very angry at me. He flipped out while we were fishing, and ended up screaming at me and taking me home. I know this was his way of being able to escape, so he could go get drunk.

All day, all day I've been thinking and reading some more. Pills are out of the question now. Hello Alcohol. He "doesn't" have a problem, but I do.

I don't want to break up with him. I don't even know how. What a let down. Yet, I really don't like him anymore. Maybe he's not drinking everyday, all day.. but he's got a problem. I can not tolerate someone picking fights with me, so he can abandon me while I'm crying, just to go drink. I don't want to constantly worry about him.

I'm not sure how to convey this message to him.. or if it's even worth it. I'm just really disgusted by him. I look at him, and think.. that is not the man I love. Who is that man? Everything I felt for him is slowly slipping away each day.

As he blew up in my face yesterday, and I'm crying, he says, "see this is what I'm talking about, I need a woman who's stronger".

It hurt. Why does he feel the need to make me feel weak? Yet, he doesn't want to break up with me.

I'm not sure how much more I can take. Reading these threads only make me want to stick to the decision of leaving him.

Part of the reason I don't want to.. is because it will be our 3,456 break up.. and they never last very long. I want to save myself the embarrassment. I wonder if just detaching... and focusing on myself, and doing what I need/want to do will help me sort through the problems. I'm so confused...

I can not marry someone who needs alcohol like he does. I don't want that life. The constant worry. I'm scared to leave him alone in the house for five minutes, because I feel like he's chugging beer behind my back. It's pathetic. It's ridiculous. It's no way to live...

and here I am.. too scared, too weak, to say good-bye, once and for all.

Seren

((((Jenny)))) You will leave when the pain of sticking around is greater than the pain of leaving.

I'm sorry that you cotinue to put yourself through this, but it is your decision to live your life as you see fit. No words from any of us are going to be able to change him or resolve this situation for you.

I hope that soon you will find a way to make the joyous and peaceful life for yourself that you so deserve!

Hugs and prayers, HG

hello-kitty

He can live however he want. But what about you. Is this the life you want? Are you ready to let the 3456th break-up become the first day of the rest of your life?

I know the ride you are on is a hard one. Breaking up and getting back together over and over and over sucks the life out of you. And if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Like you said, you've broken up 3456 times... He's fine. He has his beer and he does not really want to change. The only person who wants change is you. The only person who you CAN change is YOU. Only YOU can decide when you are ready.

I hope you don't put yourself through this much longer. You are stronger than you think. Look how much you've come through already?!

Act strong and you will eventually feel stronger. tell yourself you are strong and you will be stronger. Tell yourself you are weak... and you'll never get anywhere.

I can give you 100% assurance that life on this side of a toxic relationship is a million times better than what you are experiencing right now. But you'll have to trust and make that leap yourself. No one can do it for you.

freefalling

Whatever you decide- stick to above ---

hugs

Seren

What do you want for yourself, Miss Jenny???

Jenny1232

Honestly, I want so much. So much in fact, that I know he'd never be able to provide for me. I'm just scared of the pain of losing him, I suppose.

I want a better life for myself, and possibly my future children.

I want a man that I don't fear running off when he can't handle lifes issues.

I want someone who doesn't scream and yell at me and tell me how worthless I am.

I want someone who respects me AND themselves.

I want someone.. who has grown up already. Not a child at 30.

dollydo

Ok, you know what you want--so why not go for it?

Seren

Those are all really great things to want.....actually you deserve all of them...at a minimum. Don't ever forget that. You probably do and will miss him if you finally leave him for good...and that's OK and normal. But you will make it out the other side of grief and pain. Many here have done it and lived to see bright, peaceful, and happy days.

I hope that you will remember you deserve to be happy. You are in control of getting yourself there.

Huge hugs and many prayers, HG

Jenny1232

Well, I am going for it. I guess I am changing one thing at a time.

Number One has been educating myself. Even after taking him back, and things being fine, I still came here, just to seek knowledge about myself and my own recovery.

I am getting into therapy, which is a big step in taking care of me. I am not flipping out on him.. about where he is... Though, paranoia is setting in. I'm almost in such disbelief, I'm wondering if he's okay. He didn't answer any calls or text, and I'm beginning to wonder if he's okay. He has a semi-dangerous job.. or a car accident. This is typical of me though. Really, if something happened, what could will it do me to know this instant? It's almost better to set that aside, and see what happens.. I will know sooner and later, and I'm willing to bet.. he's just simply drunk.

I don't like him anymore, but it doesn't change the fact that I love him. All weekend, I didn't find him enjoyable to be around. He just gets on my nerves. I'm always on edge with him. He isn't even funny to me anymore. All of his jokes and funny stories revolve around a time when he was drunk... and he wonders why I don't laugh. Oh, because I'm so uptight.

Sorry I have so many threads going too. I'm beginning to question my worth here. I don't want to annoy everyone. I have very low self-esteem. I'm trying to better myself.

dollydo

We are all here to support each other, post as much as you need to.

It is great that you are reaching out.

nowinsituation

Wonderful advice I received from my sponsor -- If you can't let go of him, at least hold on a little looser. Detach, take care of yourself. You don't have to decide today. It's ok to hang on a while longer. As you put the relationship on the back burner, put yourself on the front burner.

Jenny1232

HA-HA. I just realized... I make so many damn excuses on WHY to stay with him. Just like an addict makes excuses to use, I make every damn excuse known to man on why we must stay together.

nodaybut2day

Exactly.

It doesn't matter what other people will say, think or feel about this breakup. It only matters that you are learning about yourself in the process and seeking happiness for YOURSELF.

PrettyViolets

What about your needs? I would only talk to him when he is sober. Otherwise, it is like you are talking to a zombie (and of course zombies need stronger women).

I would say, "I am breaking up with you. I need to be in a relationship with a guy who is sober and is responsible."

It is up to you if you still want to be friends with him. If you do, set the boundary that you will only talk to him if he is sober.

Jenny1232

I know.. but what people are saying, helps switch up my perspective into reality mode! It helps tremendously! I've learned so much already, and I learn more, day by day!

PrettyViolets

I just also wanted to say that being a stronger woman means setting boundaries with the people that we love. You know right from wrong. And you want him to be the best he can be. If he cannot do that and he continues to put alcohol as more important, then you want to be with another guy who is sober and is responsible, and you have the confidence to say that you are worth having that kind of guy.

dollydo

How to say goodbye, here are a few suggestions:

Goodbye - English2creole- ba bye
Farewell - English (formal)Bye - English (casual)elalleqa - Arabickhodaa haafez _ persianaabar dekha hobey - BengaliDonadagohvi - CherokeeHagoonea' - NavajoAhoj - CzechJa ne / じゃね (informal) - JapaneseJa **** ne / じゃまたね (formal) - JapaneseSayonara / さよなら (if you will not see them for a long time) - JapaneseAuf Wiedersehen - GermanBis dann - GermanTschüss - GermanAde - GermanTschau - GermanBis Spater (Bis Schpaater)- GermanViszlát! - HungarianArrivederci - ItalianAddio - ItalianCiao - ItalianBuona sera - ItalianAu Revoir - French (aw reh-VWAH)À bientôt - French (see you later)(ah bee-EN-toe)À demain - French (see you tomorrow)(ah deh-MAN)Adios - SpanishHejdå - SwedishAloha - HawaiianLe'hitraot - HebrewShalom - HebrewAavajo - GujaratiSampai Jumpa - IndonesianAdios - SpanishPaalam - FilipinoZai Jian - Chinese, MandarinZoi Geen (the "g" is pronounced like geek) - Chinese, CantoneseFarvel - DanishNamaste (same as hello) - HindiFir Milenge (see you) - HindiAlvida (Goodbye, bit formal) - HindiAyo - PapiamentuRub Rakha - PunjabiFeri bhetaula (lit. we'll meet again) - NepaliDo zobaczenia (see you) - PolishŻegnaj - PolishAdeus - PortugueseTchau - PortugueseDo svidan’ya/До Свидания (until we meet again, formal)- RussianPoka/Пока (pronounced pa-ka, informal) - RussianDo vstrechi/До Встречи (until we meet again) - RussianSelamat jalan - MalayTot ziens - DutchDag - DutchDoei - Dutch****************** - ChineseYasou (YAH-soo) - GreekHwyl fawr - WelshAnnyeonghi Kyeseyo(if the person you're talking to isn't leaving) - KoreanAnyeonghi Gasyeo(if the person you're talking to is leaving) - KoreanNäkemiin (See you) - FinnishHyvästi (Farewell) - FinnishHasta La Vista (see you later) - SpanishAdios - SpanishTe veo despues - SpanishVale- Latin (to one person)Valete- Latin (to more than one person)La revedere - RomanianVeloma - MalagasySige la - PangasinanKhuda Hafiz - Urduzai jian - ChineseHa det bra - NorwegianHa det - NorwegianSees - NorwegianSnakkes - NorwegianVida parayunnu - MalayalamVidaiperukiren - Tamil (very formal, in fact no one uses this)Ok maams - Tamil (very informal, use with mates only)Poitu Vaarein - Tamil (standard fare)Slan - IrishAavajo - GujaratiЧао - MacedonianDoviđenja - Croatian (litteraly means "Until we see again")Bog - Croatian ( litteraly means "God", but can be pronounced Bok! so it is differencianised from the word "God")Ćao - Croatian ( Primarily used in Coastal Croatia, because of it location very close to Italy, where you would say "Ciao" and the prounanciation of Ciao and Ćao are similar, if not the same)Mattae Sigona - Kannada (Used for meet you again sometime)

Probably missed a few, but one of the above should work. I'd go with "Ciao" easy to pronounce!

Smile,
Dolly

Jenny1232

dollydo,

That's really funny! Smarty pants!

I bought two new books today! I'm thrilled.. I actually skipped the al-anon meeting, because I couldn't wait to get home to my books.

"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of controlling, abusive men", and "I hate you - Don't leave me: Understanding the borderline personality". I have been diagonosed as BPD in the past - and this book just looked like a great read.

I'm super excited. The abuse book is to gain understanding. To stop making excuses for him, to identify the problems, and reinforce my reasons for leaving. YAY!

"He doesn't mean to hurt me - he just loses control"
"He can be sweet and gentle"
"He's had a really hard life"
"He's more sensitive than other people - he's doing the best he can"
"He's always sorry afterward"

THESE ARE COMMON EXCUSES I MAKE ALL THE TIME. I cannot wait to finish reading this book, and discover more and more! It's not really about understanding the whys, so I can help him. It's about understanding the whys, so I know why I NEED to leave him.

BPD Symptoms:
*sudden violent outbursts
*oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection
*frequent periods of intense depression
*eating disorders, drug abuse and other self-destructive tendencies
*an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

I can't wait to explore that book more too! So, ciao!

dollydo

Enjoy those books, I am sure they will help you. You are on the right track, keep reading and apply what you learn to your life.

Bis dann!

keepinon

another great book is The Manipulative Man.. quick easy read w/ quizzes to help you look at your relationship..keep exploring...