Yaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggh!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Yaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggh!
I am so freakin' mad right now I'm having a hard time thinking straight and just really need to vent and some feedback on whether I'm being completely unreasonable.
My AH came over today to pick up our young son for the afternoon. To his credit, he was sober when he got here and sober when he dropped son off again. When he picked up our son we talked briefly and I told him I was not comfortable with him taking our son to his co-dependent (possibly also alcoholic - based on information I'm getting from friends, but I don't know) girlfriend's house (which is where he's living) because GF has been incredibly volatile since she found out he's not divorced and I don't trust her to 'pull any punches' with the verbal abuse around or towards son and I don't trust AH to protect son from her crap. He was incredibly reasonable (should have been my first clue) and agreed to not hang out at their house.
Just before dinner AH called to ask if son could stay for dinner and was out playing with his GF's kids. So I asked if that meant he was at her home and she was there. He responded that they were there but she wasn't, but there's 'no drama,' son is playing well with her boys and REALLY wants to stay.
At the time, my gut was twinging - that he's lying, but I ignore it and convince myself that I'm wrong - he agreed, after all. (Yes I know that was stupid.) So I say OK.
He gets back, son says he had a fun time with Daddy, boys and the GF and runs in the house. Excuse me? So, AH comes clean and agrees that they were home, she was home, but there was 'no drama.' And that his friend Joe (not his real name) came over with his kids. Joe also has drinking/drug problems and is currently slated to face a trial for breaking into AH's GF's house while under the influence and resisting arrest.
AH keeps saying "there was no drama. Son is fine!" I tell him it's not the point - he agreed to not do that and said that he understood my concerns and LIED about the day. AH justified hanging out with them by saying he really wanted to see son and couldn't spend it at Chuck E Cheese. It was a beautiful day, they could have gone to the park, they could have gone to see Grandpa or Auntie, or so many other things.
I am pretty sure that my sole concern is not that she's the other women. Yes I'm mad at him about her, but every time our son hangs out at their house I have to pick up the pieces: he ends up being incredibly whiny (NOT his usual mode-even when tired), crying, clingy, bedwetting for the next few days.... Not the way a child should act after spending the day in a healthy environment.
When they are there, AH does not pay attention to son, because son is always playing with the other kids. So AH is NOT spending time with our son when they're there.
Any opinions? Am I only being the "crazy wife" or would others here be just as angry with the lying and environment AH is taking our son to?
My AH came over today to pick up our young son for the afternoon. To his credit, he was sober when he got here and sober when he dropped son off again. When he picked up our son we talked briefly and I told him I was not comfortable with him taking our son to his co-dependent (possibly also alcoholic - based on information I'm getting from friends, but I don't know) girlfriend's house (which is where he's living) because GF has been incredibly volatile since she found out he's not divorced and I don't trust her to 'pull any punches' with the verbal abuse around or towards son and I don't trust AH to protect son from her crap. He was incredibly reasonable (should have been my first clue) and agreed to not hang out at their house.
Just before dinner AH called to ask if son could stay for dinner and was out playing with his GF's kids. So I asked if that meant he was at her home and she was there. He responded that they were there but she wasn't, but there's 'no drama,' son is playing well with her boys and REALLY wants to stay.
At the time, my gut was twinging - that he's lying, but I ignore it and convince myself that I'm wrong - he agreed, after all. (Yes I know that was stupid.) So I say OK.
He gets back, son says he had a fun time with Daddy, boys and the GF and runs in the house. Excuse me? So, AH comes clean and agrees that they were home, she was home, but there was 'no drama.' And that his friend Joe (not his real name) came over with his kids. Joe also has drinking/drug problems and is currently slated to face a trial for breaking into AH's GF's house while under the influence and resisting arrest.
AH keeps saying "there was no drama. Son is fine!" I tell him it's not the point - he agreed to not do that and said that he understood my concerns and LIED about the day. AH justified hanging out with them by saying he really wanted to see son and couldn't spend it at Chuck E Cheese. It was a beautiful day, they could have gone to the park, they could have gone to see Grandpa or Auntie, or so many other things.
I am pretty sure that my sole concern is not that she's the other women. Yes I'm mad at him about her, but every time our son hangs out at their house I have to pick up the pieces: he ends up being incredibly whiny (NOT his usual mode-even when tired), crying, clingy, bedwetting for the next few days.... Not the way a child should act after spending the day in a healthy environment.
When they are there, AH does not pay attention to son, because son is always playing with the other kids. So AH is NOT spending time with our son when they're there.
Any opinions? Am I only being the "crazy wife" or would others here be just as angry with the lying and environment AH is taking our son to?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I would be very angry and upset.
I don't think there is anything you can do about it without a court order. He has his house and you have yours and unless you can prove in court that one house/parent isn't fit, then they get to call the shots on their own time. I try (not always successfully) to let it go when my xah isn't the parent he should be. I watch for the safety of my children but, sadly, I can't account for the rest of it. It will all have to unfold on its own.
If there isn't a court order for visitation you'd have to weigh all the variables of visitation to make a decision.
I think kids are crabby/whiny/irritable/off before and after visitation regardless of how well it goes. It is just a difficut thing for them so I wouldn't jump to conclusions on that alone.
I know it is hard.
I don't think there is anything you can do about it without a court order. He has his house and you have yours and unless you can prove in court that one house/parent isn't fit, then they get to call the shots on their own time. I try (not always successfully) to let it go when my xah isn't the parent he should be. I watch for the safety of my children but, sadly, I can't account for the rest of it. It will all have to unfold on its own.
If there isn't a court order for visitation you'd have to weigh all the variables of visitation to make a decision.
I think kids are crabby/whiny/irritable/off before and after visitation regardless of how well it goes. It is just a difficut thing for them so I wouldn't jump to conclusions on that alone.
I know it is hard.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Shame my heart goes out to you. Not too much can be done about it, but how does your son seem to be handling all this, does he come back tense, does he not want to go when it is time? maybe try to read how he is doing with all this, if he is not showing too much wrong signals, then maybe it is not all bad? just a thought, i wouldn't know what to do if i was in that situation, it must be hard, praying for you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I am sorry you were deceived and lied to about the visit with AH. That is painful.
Your request and expectation for sober visitation is healthy.
Your request and expectation were met with compliance. Good.
Let the rest go. Your expectations of whom your son interacts with while with AH, are beyond your control. I agree with Thumper, without a court order, you do not get to control his visitation.
Check yourself on your motivation for making that request.
This is what you posted:
When he picked up our son we talked briefly and I told him I was not comfortable with him taking our son to his co-dependent (possibly also alcoholic - based on information I'm getting from friends, but I don't know) girlfriend's house (which is where he's living) because GF has been incredibly volatile since she found out he's not divorced and I don't trust her to 'pull any punches' with the verbal abuse around or towards son and I don't trust AH to protect son from her crap. He was incredibly reasonable (should have been my first clue) and agreed to not hang out at their house.
You put a last minute restriction on your AH's visitation with his son when you told him you did not want son around GF. The AH showed up to pick up his son. You blind-sided him with restrictions without prior discussion. Where was your son during this brief discussion?
Your restriction/request was based on hearsay. You have heard things about her alcohol usage. You do not have evidence.
She got mad when she learned her BF (your AH) wasn't divorced. You get mad too when he lies.
I am making those points to make this point: I had to seperate my relationship with the ex from the children's relationship with their dad. Two different relationships.
I know what it feels like to have to deal with the new lady and visitation. I also had to learn that just as I could not control my ex, I certainly could not control the new lady. I had to let go and let my children visit their dad. I had to let them go have fun with their dad. I had to let the dad and the children have their relationship without me as moderator.
Your request and expectation for sober visitation is healthy.
Your request and expectation were met with compliance. Good.
Let the rest go. Your expectations of whom your son interacts with while with AH, are beyond your control. I agree with Thumper, without a court order, you do not get to control his visitation.
Check yourself on your motivation for making that request.
This is what you posted:
When he picked up our son we talked briefly and I told him I was not comfortable with him taking our son to his co-dependent (possibly also alcoholic - based on information I'm getting from friends, but I don't know) girlfriend's house (which is where he's living) because GF has been incredibly volatile since she found out he's not divorced and I don't trust her to 'pull any punches' with the verbal abuse around or towards son and I don't trust AH to protect son from her crap. He was incredibly reasonable (should have been my first clue) and agreed to not hang out at their house.
You put a last minute restriction on your AH's visitation with his son when you told him you did not want son around GF. The AH showed up to pick up his son. You blind-sided him with restrictions without prior discussion. Where was your son during this brief discussion?
Your restriction/request was based on hearsay. You have heard things about her alcohol usage. You do not have evidence.
She got mad when she learned her BF (your AH) wasn't divorced. You get mad too when he lies.
I am making those points to make this point: I had to seperate my relationship with the ex from the children's relationship with their dad. Two different relationships.
I know what it feels like to have to deal with the new lady and visitation. I also had to learn that just as I could not control my ex, I certainly could not control the new lady. I had to let go and let my children visit their dad. I had to let them go have fun with their dad. I had to let the dad and the children have their relationship without me as moderator.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Just want to say, I know I'd feel same way you do and I'd do as you do, but in the same time I have to say Pelican is right.
Our kids are intitled to have thier own relationship with thier dads, regardless of how we feel about it, except for where there are reasons that would qualify as legal to have it otherwise.
I feel for you, I know the same thing would make me crazy too.
Our kids are intitled to have thier own relationship with thier dads, regardless of how we feel about it, except for where there are reasons that would qualify as legal to have it otherwise.
I feel for you, I know the same thing would make me crazy too.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
It's pretty hard to change the situation, All you can do is make your son aware enough to try to not get involved in any drama and to call you if there is.
Unless your ex is going to clean up his life, your son has few options than to put up with this.
Just keep your son aware and I'm sure he will be ok
Unless your ex is going to clean up his life, your son has few options than to put up with this.
Just keep your son aware and I'm sure he will be ok
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i'll agree with pelican's sound advice.
that's where he lives and it's reasonable that he would take his son there.
of course, it's not ok that he lied about it, but i find alcoholics lie all the time.
i'm sorry you're upset. it is upsetting and i totally understand that you don't want your son around OW. i just don't think that's within your control tho, unless you can prove she is unfit.
naive
that's where he lives and it's reasonable that he would take his son there.
of course, it's not ok that he lied about it, but i find alcoholics lie all the time.
i'm sorry you're upset. it is upsetting and i totally understand that you don't want your son around OW. i just don't think that's within your control tho, unless you can prove she is unfit.
naive
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Thanks everyone, the expectations hit me head on again.....
This condition I actually discussed with him when he first got back from his 28-day inpatient program about 3 weeks ago. At the time, he agreed and stated that she was being 'kind of pyscho' and son wouldn't be 'comfortable' around her. When I brought it up yesterday, he again was completely reasonable. We were at the front door and our son was in the back yard gathering his helmet and scooter and no where near us. That is one thing I know I've done well - sheilding my 5 yo from the grown-up discussions.
I know that I need to separate my relationship with my AH from my son's relationship with his dad. It's so incredibly hard to do when my heart breaks each time he comes home and is just as upset 10-15 minutes after AH leaves after dropping him off as when AH no-shows.
I thought I was doing a good job at filtering my reactions and emotions when it came to the OW, but apparently I am not doing so well......
Thanks for the reality check on that related to visitation. Right now, I'm having a hard time believing it 100%, but an willing to think about it, keep it in mind and try to come to accept it....
I am hoping to get in to see a lawyer this week to discuss divorce and custody issues. Is it really best to let my AH continue to mess up my son's emotional equilibrium and psyche just because he's his father? He's such an undependable, lying, dry drunk that still expects to be able to slide out of his responibilities. If it was a step-father or boyfriend, but not son's father, would everyone still be saying it's OK?
Originally Posted by Pelican 
You put a last minute restriction on your AH's visitation with his son when you told him you did not want son around GF. The AH showed up to pick up his son. You blind-sided him with restrictions without prior discussion. Where was your son during this brief discussion?
I know that I need to separate my relationship with my AH from my son's relationship with his dad. It's so incredibly hard to do when my heart breaks each time he comes home and is just as upset 10-15 minutes after AH leaves after dropping him off as when AH no-shows.
I thought I was doing a good job at filtering my reactions and emotions when it came to the OW, but apparently I am not doing so well......
Originally Posted by Thumper
I think kids are crabby/whiny/irritable/off before and after visitation regardless of how well it goes. It is just a difficut thing for them so I wouldn't jump to conclusions on that alone.
I am hoping to get in to see a lawyer this week to discuss divorce and custody issues. Is it really best to let my AH continue to mess up my son's emotional equilibrium and psyche just because he's his father? He's such an undependable, lying, dry drunk that still expects to be able to slide out of his responibilities. If it was a step-father or boyfriend, but not son's father, would everyone still be saying it's OK?
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Originally Posted by theuncertainty
If it was a step-father or boyfriend, but not son's father, would everyone still be saying it's OK?
Seeing a lawyer is a positive step. It will help you further define what you can and can't control.
L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Please re-read the responses you have gotten. I don't see one person saying it's OK. I see people saying it's out of your sphere of control.
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