Does passive/aggressive behavior go hand in hand with alcoholism?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Does passive/aggressive behavior go hand in hand with alcoholism?
I've noticed a pattern of passive/aggressive behavior recently with the RA in my life and would appreciate any feedback and stories of personal experience to help me sort out my situation. For instance, my RA texted me today and I couldn't respond back immediately so he "ignored" me for a couple of hours until he was good an ready to respond. Mind you that I did respond back in about 20 minutes but I could tell I was getting the cold shoulder. This is just one example of what has been happening more frequently and it got me wondering if this is typical behavior of an A. It really bothers me and I am still on the fence about ending this relationship (almost ended it last week, but he sweet talked me when I believe he got a clue about my intentions). This man has me so confused and I could really use help in understanding what I'm dealing with in this relationship with a RA. Any feedback is really appreciated. Thanks.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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There are times when people have more things to do, than answer emails or mobile txts and messages. I have my mobile phone off when in Church, at Doctors or Hospital, and sometimes when I NEED a granny nap, as often I get woken if I don't do that.
To send someone "to Coventry" because they didn't reply immediately, is dumb and rude.
Maybe you were right when you considered ending this a while back, and should re-look the idea, as it seems tho he is a RA, he is also playing mind games and may have a control problem.
God bless
To send someone "to Coventry" because they didn't reply immediately, is dumb and rude.
Maybe you were right when you considered ending this a while back, and should re-look the idea, as it seems tho he is a RA, he is also playing mind games and may have a control problem.
God bless
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
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Sounds like The RA is insecure! but i definately think, if you can get out, get out, you definately a very bright, special person and dont need this in your life. take care of you first! We cant always be in a position to respond immediately, some of us do actually have lives!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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This type of behaviour is the silent treatment and it can be the worst kind of verbal abuse - yes, verbal abuse. It is a psychological punishment where the victim is kept unsteady, questioning themselves and is a blatant power grab on the part of the perpetrator. The victim finds themselves desperate to make things right only the perpetrator will not allow the victim to make things right. It's punishment plain and simple.
Didn't answer my call or text in the allotted time? Fine, I'm not talking to you for twice as long.
Read up on the 'Silent Treatment' and emotional abuse - google it.
Didn't answer my call or text in the allotted time? Fine, I'm not talking to you for twice as long.
Read up on the 'Silent Treatment' and emotional abuse - google it.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
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Whether it's typical or not, I would first look at the things that I am having issues with. Is it something that is really a problem or is it just my thoughts creating my feelings? If it actually something that is a problem and not just my distorted thinking, I approach the person and lay it out on the table to talk it out.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by ksumm77 
Whether it's typical or not, I would first look at the things that I am having issues with. Is it something that is really a problem or is it just my thoughts creating my feelings? If it actually something that is a problem and not just my distorted thinking, I approach the person and lay it out on the table to talk it out.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Not sure if it's typical, but my RABF does this.
And yes, he's immature and can be a jerk. It's certainly not any reason to "get rid of him"
I think every human has done immature and jerkish things.
This behaviour is NOT acceptable in any way, but you don't have to play their game and you can also mention it to them since sometimes, they don't know they are even doing it.
And yes, it's a very common trait of addicts to act in a very immature way. Many an AA sponsor have told me the addicts stops mentally growing the day they take their first drink.
They are also in a ton of pain and would prefer others around them be in pain as well.
Duped, I agree, the silent treatment is serious abuse, but I don't think this is the case here.
I've not answered my cell or called back when I felt hurt/angry. We've all offered the silent treatment at one time or another.
And yes, he's immature and can be a jerk. It's certainly not any reason to "get rid of him"
I think every human has done immature and jerkish things.
This behaviour is NOT acceptable in any way, but you don't have to play their game and you can also mention it to them since sometimes, they don't know they are even doing it.
And yes, it's a very common trait of addicts to act in a very immature way. Many an AA sponsor have told me the addicts stops mentally growing the day they take their first drink.
They are also in a ton of pain and would prefer others around them be in pain as well.
Duped, I agree, the silent treatment is serious abuse, but I don't think this is the case here.
I've not answered my cell or called back when I felt hurt/angry. We've all offered the silent treatment at one time or another.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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True, I suppose it depends on what level. I recall in one of my other sorry relationships (I've had a few) my partner would stop answering her phone, email and stop talking to me altogether whenever there was a disagreement and she didn't get her way. Effectively I would be banished for days and weeks on end until I came back crawling for forgiveness.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
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My AXB was very passive aggressive.
If I wanted thick crust pizza, and he wanted thin crust, he would simply decide not to have pizza at all.
If I disagreed with him on something, he'd give me the silent treatment; for hours, days, whatever. If I asked if something was bothering him, he'd say no.
When he decided that he wanted to move on and end our relationship, he simply stopped calling me and stopped answering my calls. He told me by doing this, "I'd get the hint".
Passive-Aggressive behaviour is simply their way of confronting and punishing you. But since they are cowardly and immature, they do it covertly.
Because he'd been sober for about 3 months, (without any treatment, by the way), I don't know if I can blame it on the alcohol. I think he's simply an immature, irresponsible man with no empathy or compassion.
Check out this great site: Get Your ANGRIES Out
If I wanted thick crust pizza, and he wanted thin crust, he would simply decide not to have pizza at all.
If I disagreed with him on something, he'd give me the silent treatment; for hours, days, whatever. If I asked if something was bothering him, he'd say no.
When he decided that he wanted to move on and end our relationship, he simply stopped calling me and stopped answering my calls. He told me by doing this, "I'd get the hint".
Passive-Aggressive behaviour is simply their way of confronting and punishing you. But since they are cowardly and immature, they do it covertly.
Because he'd been sober for about 3 months, (without any treatment, by the way), I don't know if I can blame it on the alcohol. I think he's simply an immature, irresponsible man with no empathy or compassion.
Check out this great site: Get Your ANGRIES Out
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two things came to my mind regarding your wonderings:
1. i don't think all a's are passive-agressive. it is a style of managing anger. so some people are this way who aren't a, some are this way who are addicts.
but do they go hand in hand? i think, yes.
think about it -- a person becomes addicted to a drug and uses that drug as their favorite form of escape. they're afraid? get high. angry? get drunk. they clasically do not communicate well, stuff their feelings, and have poor coping skills. so it makes perfect sense that someone with that going on would respond to feeling hurt or angry by the emotionally immature passive-aggressive behavior.
2. story
i was watering my hanging flower baskets one summer day and saw that one of them was missing. i looked on the ground and sure enough, it was not there. just missing! i was so mad at my husband - this was totally something he would do - to "get back" at me for something that i had no clue what it even was. i asked him about it (after looking in the garbage can for the plant) and he had the nerve to deny knowing anything about it!
several days later, while crawling around under a giant shrub that is directly under that basket hook, ya know what i saw? yep, the plant. buried in the huge shrub. with a broken hangy thing.
it's not the most productive thing to assume we know exactly what someone else is thinking, or has done, and their motive for doing said thing. be careful of mind-reading.
1. i don't think all a's are passive-agressive. it is a style of managing anger. so some people are this way who aren't a, some are this way who are addicts.
but do they go hand in hand? i think, yes.
think about it -- a person becomes addicted to a drug and uses that drug as their favorite form of escape. they're afraid? get high. angry? get drunk. they clasically do not communicate well, stuff their feelings, and have poor coping skills. so it makes perfect sense that someone with that going on would respond to feeling hurt or angry by the emotionally immature passive-aggressive behavior.
2. story
i was watering my hanging flower baskets one summer day and saw that one of them was missing. i looked on the ground and sure enough, it was not there. just missing! i was so mad at my husband - this was totally something he would do - to "get back" at me for something that i had no clue what it even was. i asked him about it (after looking in the garbage can for the plant) and he had the nerve to deny knowing anything about it!
several days later, while crawling around under a giant shrub that is directly under that basket hook, ya know what i saw? yep, the plant. buried in the huge shrub. with a broken hangy thing.
it's not the most productive thing to assume we know exactly what someone else is thinking, or has done, and their motive for doing said thing. be careful of mind-reading.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Duped
Talking it out with an alcoholic and expecting any level of fairness or being able to work with an alcoholic is especially difficult as they will most likely deny this type of behaviour is even happening, and may well be completely unaware of this type of behaviour.
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