Summerpeach

A friend just emailed this to me and I cannot even expess how SPOT-ON this is!

The Alcoholic And Constant Rationalization/Justification

The alcoholic can rationalize and justify anything and everything. And since their behavior is often quite bizarre, this tends to become a full-time job. If they get put on notice at work, it's somebody else's fault. If they get into a fight or an argument, it's the other person's fault. No matter what happens, the alcoholic will always find someone or something to point the finger at. Yet while they may be convincing to others that someone else is to blame for everything that's wrong in their life, deep down inside they know the truth and they carry the burden of guilt about it, which further adds to their low self-esteem. Again, another continuing negative cycle.

The key point here is that by default, the alcoholic always looks outside of themselves for the cause of their problems. That's why it's not until they've pretty much hit rock bottom, they realize that the problem isn't outside, it's inside. Given enough time, at least half of all the words that come out of an alcoholic's mouth will be words used to rationalize, justify, or defend what everyone but them can see is their addiction


The Alcoholic And Grandiosity

The alcoholic is a classic case of "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex." This apparent contradiction in terms comes from the fact that because the alcoholic has low self-esteem, they often feel the need to hide behind a mask of superiority. While they pretend to feel they're better than most people, what they really feel inside is utterly worthless. This is more or less applying the idea that "the best defense is a strong offense."

Of course they can't let anyone know that, so they rarely take the mask off. This tends to make them extremely critical of just about everything and everyone, and they act as if they should be in charge of running the entire universe. Ultimately, this grandiosity is the first obstacle in treatment that must be overcome to get an alcoholic to admit and accept that they are in fact an alcoholic and they need help. Before they get help and begin to start thinking clearly, alcoholics and addicts generally equate needing help with being weak.

Pelican

I believe that also describes the non-addicted partners of alcoholics/addicts.

Summerpeach

Well this can describe anyone, but it's seem to apply to many if not most addicts.

Kerbcrawler

is it the overall general conception...that all alkies are devious kniving s.o.b,s...or is there also a small propoption of overly honest sensitives,who take this route that generally find they cant cope, and use booze to self medicate...like a tranq addict does,
as seems to be an overly lot of stereotyping of the alkie..i dont doubt much of is very true..one thing i do agree with very much...addiction more often than, turns one into a very selfish person..that becomes ever so more disregarding of others...in order to have there poison..speakin from personal here...i think the post is mostly spot on..tx.

LaTeeDa

Agree. I was the queen of rationalization and justification when I was in the depths of codependence. I still catch myself doing it now and then.

L

lulu1974

I have lived this. At first he blamed me for his drinking and our miserable marriage. Now that he is on his own, he is still drinking after trying to stop and thinking he can control it. Last weekend without any probing he mentioned he has a disease and was a raging alcoholic. He wont do anything about it, he got rid of me to be able to drink. He knows he cant come back because the drinking wont fly anymore here but since he is too smart and good fo AA he cant stop drinking.
This makes such perfect sense. I picture a world with flowers and no alcohol... It has lots of sunflowers in it..
Hugs
Lulu

Kassie2

I also recognize both my A and myself in this. Still working on myself.

Keep me in your thought and prayers and send positive energy. i am getting it but not quite.

Easier to see in my A than myself, but then that is human nature. Used to drive me crazy, then angry and now just frustrated or sad. In me, I am disappointed at times but getting better at catching it. Love the world without it.

trying2muvon

I dealt with and still do because of my son, this exact behavior, it is funny on his sober days, my leaving is horrible and he wants it to all work out, on his drunk days he kicked me out and this was all his idea, WOW, and they say there are three sides to every story, how about 5 or 6... Good post.

BumblingAlong

Without treatment, does the alcoholic ever overcome these traits?

Pelican

As long as the alcoholic is actively drinking, No.

Alcoholism is progressive.

Still Waters

I've not run into too many co-dependents who have fanciful made up pasts.

Duped

Me neither, most codependents actually tend to be honest to a fault, hard working people with their stuff together, except for one fatal flaw which makes them perfect for an alcoholic to link up with.

NoelleR

As Pelcan has already said, "As long as the alcoholic is actively drinking, No."... kinda like no treatment=no change..[and most treatments--counselling, therapy, Dr's, and PhD's...etc--if a person is still in active his/her addiction (drugs and/or alcohol), the treatment probably not be very effective]...

I also wanted to say here, that even with treatment, and no longer using/drinking, the person still may not overcome these traits...may just be the kind of person this man/woman is.

I've noticed a lot in this thread that folks seem to be giving alcohol and drugs waaaaaaay too much power.....Yes, a person who is not a liar, as an active alcoholic/addict may lie regarding his/her alcohol/drug use.....but alcohol/drugs will not totally change this individual into a lying, cheating selfish individual (most ot those traits were already in him/her).

I'm probably not sqying this very clearly.....just to paraphrase, and jump right outta here, alcohol/drugs do no cause 'bad' behavior; they may exascerbate, but never cause............


(o:
NoelleR

tpen

I was wondering about this and get let down because I think it's true.

Summerpeach

I do think booze does take too much of the "credit", since I think addictions are a disease of the soul and not the brain, I think a person needs to feel enough pain to change.
I think everyone is capable of change (even me :-) as long as they feel enough pain and are looking for the painkiller, and that painkiller is truth.

I've seen people with the most wonderful characters who would not do anything outragous, but then give them the drink and they become monsters.

Summerpeach

yes and no. A&&holes drink and are still a&&holes, but nice people drink and can become nuts.
Drugs/booze change the entire body chemistry and does alter the brain function.
If someone inhales glue, they have zero rational.

Summerpeach

_______

posted twice

Still Waters

I've decided: My AH is just a nasty vindictive abusive person.

With or without the alcohol.

Sad.

BumblingAlong

My AXBF quit drinking last October with no assistance, no treatment, no sponsor. Just books. Books on alcoholism and quitting drinking. He believes that he doesn't need help.

Although he became sober, he wasn't very different. He was still irritable, moody, secretive and emotionally distant - pretty much the way he was while he was drinking.

I believe too that addiction deeply affects the soul; and without treatment or being in AA, he soul will never heal. This is a man who so rarely smiled; when he DID smile, it seemed almost forced. I don't know if I ever, in five years, saw a true smile from him. I don't think he ever acknowledged the blessings in his life - his beautiful daughter, his home, his family, our relationship.

I feel sorry for him now; without help, I don't know if he'll ever find peace of mind.

MaryGoRound

I'm glad I read this today.

Two things:

1. I'm reminded of a hilarious text xabf once sent regarding him trying to convince me that he was seeking treatment:

"Baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day..."

quintessential baby king...egomaniac with an inferiority complex. perfectly put.

2. I agree that alcoholism is only PART of the problem.

Its a mess, so where is the line between what's what. What came first..the chicken or the egg?
Is this person going to become a better person if they seek treatment?
Is there hope for them to ever stop lying, etc etc.

I used to care about all of those things. Now I simply don't. I'm all for helping a deserving WILLING person who needs help...anyone else can figure it out on their own.

From intellectual/philosophical standpoint it is interesting to think about - just how much can alcoholism destroy someone? I think there is a foundation laid throughout life. Say a foundation of character traits. These being influenced by family, social settings, experiences, etc. Some happen to have a stronger foundation than others (ex: come from a stable family, or exhibit integrity or other admirable character trait of some sort). Some have a weaker one to begin with. It could be a mental illness say. But they work so closely together that its confusing to say which happened first. And even mental illness itself is a gray area, with for example depression affecting millions of sorts of walk of life....and the addiction just makes things worse. It destroys everything if you will let it. Maybe the difference btw the not-so-nasty ones vs. the really bad cases are simply just based on the individual and the multitude of contributing factors. I think the degree to which someone will say lie, cheat, etc..is based on that initial foundation. The more solid that rock is inside of you the more likely you are to be able to pull yourself out - no matter how weak the outside edges became and crumbled. So yeah, character definitely. But really what makes up a character is very complex.

and that was a ramble. sorry. lol.