Day One
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 6
Day One
As I write my head aches and my hands are trembling. I have a hangover. It's nothing new. Usually weekend mornings involve a degree of feeling crappy, I should be used to it. This morning however, I woke up and lay in bed, unable to face the day, because I knew I'd finally reached my breaking point and that in order to live life to the fullest I'd have to admit my dependency on alcohol and get sober.
I'm terrified and feel a whole lot of self-loathing right now, but behind those emotions lingers a building sensation of excitement. This journey I'm about to embark on has unlimited potential.
I could bore you with the details that led to this moment, but I won't. Suffice it to say I've become a highly functioning alcoholic who uses alcohol to numb the pain of the past and alleviate the stress of the present. Some nights it's only a glass or two of wine, and other nights it's an entire bottle. Last night it was two.
My husband adores me, but not this side of me, and has patiently stood by while I scream, rant and rage at him. He knows the ghosts of my past haunt me and has never given me an ultimatum. But last night I hurt him and this morning I could not stand the face staring back at me in the mirror.
I love him. I love my children.
I need to learn how to love myself.
So, here I am.
Day one.
I am so damn scared I can barely breathe.
I look forward to learning and sharing with all of you.
Namaste.
WMWS
I'm terrified and feel a whole lot of self-loathing right now, but behind those emotions lingers a building sensation of excitement. This journey I'm about to embark on has unlimited potential.
I could bore you with the details that led to this moment, but I won't. Suffice it to say I've become a highly functioning alcoholic who uses alcohol to numb the pain of the past and alleviate the stress of the present. Some nights it's only a glass or two of wine, and other nights it's an entire bottle. Last night it was two.
My husband adores me, but not this side of me, and has patiently stood by while I scream, rant and rage at him. He knows the ghosts of my past haunt me and has never given me an ultimatum. But last night I hurt him and this morning I could not stand the face staring back at me in the mirror.
I love him. I love my children.
I need to learn how to love myself.
So, here I am.
Day one.
I am so damn scared I can barely breathe.
I look forward to learning and sharing with all of you.
Namaste.
WMWS
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Let me be the first, but not the last I'm sure, to welcome you WMWS! SR has been a true lifeline for me in my journey and I'm certain that you will find courage, strength and hope here. It's what SR is all about and we do understand.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Hi WMWS!! and welcome to SR!! this community has been a life line for me...and I'm sure you will discover this for yourself too!! I see myself in your post, and feel the agony that you are in...although I have no children, I was a mean and nasty woman to my husband when I hit that wine....not all times, but too many...I drank to numb...like you.. but by the grace of god I'm 111 days sober today... and live a life we are all meant to...a peaceful one...I won't say it's been an easy journey, you will face many things, but not to sound cliche...but it really is worth it.... you will learn to love yourself....like I have, one day at a time...
Look forward to hearing from you...
Liz
Look forward to hearing from you...
Liz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey WMWS, so glad you're here. Welcome to SR! You will find tons of support and encouragement here so I hope you'll keep posting and reading. I know that you will also find TONS of people that will relate to what you are going through, all of us have been there to all certain degrees.
I know you're scared, I understand that too, but just remember that this is all just one step at a time, go slow, be easy on yourself (even though I bet you don't feel that way right now) and just know that there are many people on this site that have started right at the point that you are at right now and have made it to the other side of this horrible addiction and disease, you can too!!!!
My best to you, and hope to see you around.
I know you're scared, I understand that too, but just remember that this is all just one step at a time, go slow, be easy on yourself (even though I bet you don't feel that way right now) and just know that there are many people on this site that have started right at the point that you are at right now and have made it to the other side of this horrible addiction and disease, you can too!!!!
My best to you, and hope to see you around.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I love him. I love my children.
I need to learn how to love myself.
I need to learn how to love myself.
It's hard to love oneself when engaging in such self destructive behavior, I should know.
But getting sober is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm glad you found us and joined the family. :ghug3 You'll find a lot of support and good information here. Welcome to SR!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome - glad you're here! I was feeling what you're feeling a short time ago and I remember how scary it was just to think about getting through life sober. Things WILL change in a few days, so do whatever you can to be good to yourself today (drink lots of water, B vitamins, good food).... and if you can't take the withdrawals, go to one of those in-and-out clinics or the ER.
I promise you that in a few days you will feel stronger and that horrible anxiety and tremulousness will fade. It didn't sound possible to me either - I'd spent years drinking or suffering the period inbetween drinking. It really took over my life. I didn't want my kids around, didn't want to answer the phone. I all seemed so difficult. But it's our disease that does this to us. It's not who we really are.
Hang in there and keep close to SR - it really worked for me.:day6
I promise you that in a few days you will feel stronger and that horrible anxiety and tremulousness will fade. It didn't sound possible to me either - I'd spent years drinking or suffering the period inbetween drinking. It really took over my life. I didn't want my kids around, didn't want to answer the phone. I all seemed so difficult. But it's our disease that does this to us. It's not who we really are.
Hang in there and keep close to SR - it really worked for me.:day6
you have found a wonderful place for recovery. I look forward to hearing more about your journey into sobriety. Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 14
(((((Hugs))))) WMWS:ghug3
May 3 was my last bout. That day my world turned upside down. I found out how miserable my husband was, has been having a long distance emotionial affair, and is leaving me. I realized how much I have taken things for granted, and that my own selfishishness has hurt the ones I love the most. When you're 8 yr old secretly throws you're beer away, and you get so upset not at what he did but that you can't find it there's a problem.
Two weeks ago I was a mess, just like you are today, couldn't breathe. I had to start w/ baby steps. I started showering daily, and putting on my face so that I could face the world and myself. I am reading like ten different books daily on this disease. Sometimes I only read for 5 mins but everything right now helps. I have only been to one meeting in the two weeks, but that meeting is still w/ me and I am going tonight, hopefully to find a sponsor. I visit this site probably every hour. And all I have to do today is not drink. Just 24 hrs thats it.
Breathe, time mends all wounds, and this too shall pass.
May 3 was my last bout. That day my world turned upside down. I found out how miserable my husband was, has been having a long distance emotionial affair, and is leaving me. I realized how much I have taken things for granted, and that my own selfishishness has hurt the ones I love the most. When you're 8 yr old secretly throws you're beer away, and you get so upset not at what he did but that you can't find it there's a problem.
Two weeks ago I was a mess, just like you are today, couldn't breathe. I had to start w/ baby steps. I started showering daily, and putting on my face so that I could face the world and myself. I am reading like ten different books daily on this disease. Sometimes I only read for 5 mins but everything right now helps. I have only been to one meeting in the two weeks, but that meeting is still w/ me and I am going tonight, hopefully to find a sponsor. I visit this site probably every hour. And all I have to do today is not drink. Just 24 hrs thats it.
Breathe, time mends all wounds, and this too shall pass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 6
Thank you for everyone's warm welcome. As I assumed, everyone has a different, unique but similar story to tell and it feels good to know I am not alone on this path. It's a little past 7 here, and I've spent most of the day sleeping or laying on the couch. As usual, the hangover ruins the beauty of the day and steals precious time away from my family and the things we could be doing. It's not too often I drink that much in one sitting, I'm more of a daily in small doses drinker, but the week was stressful and I used that, as well as the company of many good friends, to tie one on.
I did have a long heart to heart with my DH, and his unconditional love and support is what assures me that my choice to go sober is right and true. I am tired of forgetting things because of one drink too many, tired of feeling crappy and guilty about 'another drink', tired of feeling like a failure.
The funny part? I'm a vegan. A lifestyle choice I made 'to be healthier', and yet I always managed to find an excuse to keep the wine in my life. After all, I only drank organic, NSA red wine, and that's healthy right?
Wrong. God, I was a delusional prat.
Today I stocked up on tea. Really good, really yummy tea. When the urge to drink strikes, I'll reach for my mug instead of wine glass.
I'm scared though. I won't lie. I don't want to fail myself. Or my family. I'm afraid that tomorrow, when I'm feeling 'normal' again I'll rationalize this decision, like I have in the past, and keep drinking, after all, who am I hurting?
Me.
I am totally hurting me. And I get that now.
But it doesn't make it easier.
I loathe the place I've come to.
I lost my sister to an overdose. You'd think I would have cleaned up my act then, right?
I know, one day at a time. Well, my first day is almost over. The kids will be tucked in to bed soon and then I will tuck myself in and let sleep take the first night away.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I am so thankful for ALL of you. And I don't even know you.
Thanks for being here. I wish ALL of you your own success and thank you for helping me achieve mine. I hope this time next year I'll be here and be able to celebrate a milestone of a different color.
Until then....
...it's one baby step at a time.
* muah *
I did have a long heart to heart with my DH, and his unconditional love and support is what assures me that my choice to go sober is right and true. I am tired of forgetting things because of one drink too many, tired of feeling crappy and guilty about 'another drink', tired of feeling like a failure.
The funny part? I'm a vegan. A lifestyle choice I made 'to be healthier', and yet I always managed to find an excuse to keep the wine in my life. After all, I only drank organic, NSA red wine, and that's healthy right?
Wrong. God, I was a delusional prat.
Today I stocked up on tea. Really good, really yummy tea. When the urge to drink strikes, I'll reach for my mug instead of wine glass.
I'm scared though. I won't lie. I don't want to fail myself. Or my family. I'm afraid that tomorrow, when I'm feeling 'normal' again I'll rationalize this decision, like I have in the past, and keep drinking, after all, who am I hurting?
Me.
I am totally hurting me. And I get that now.
But it doesn't make it easier.
I loathe the place I've come to.
I lost my sister to an overdose. You'd think I would have cleaned up my act then, right?
I know, one day at a time. Well, my first day is almost over. The kids will be tucked in to bed soon and then I will tuck myself in and let sleep take the first night away.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I am so thankful for ALL of you. And I don't even know you.
Thanks for being here. I wish ALL of you your own success and thank you for helping me achieve mine. I hope this time next year I'll be here and be able to celebrate a milestone of a different color.
Until then....
...it's one baby step at a time.
* muah *
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
When tensions reach breaking point, turn to JESUS, fears, anxiety and worries dissapear before JESUS' power to be replaced by healing love!
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, JESUS still walks by your side. HE can drive out the bullies of fear and keep you on your feet in every situation of life.
Open your heart to GOD, and experience the joy and serenity of HIS presence.
Remember, the Master's invitation still stands ''Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.''
Matt. 11 v 28
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, JESUS still walks by your side. HE can drive out the bullies of fear and keep you on your feet in every situation of life.
Open your heart to GOD, and experience the joy and serenity of HIS presence.
Remember, the Master's invitation still stands ''Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.''
Matt. 11 v 28
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family, WMWS!
I'm glad you found us.
I found this amazing site when I reached my bottom. I too was married, children, career and alcoholic. I had to want sobriety more than my marriage, children and career or I was going to lose it all.
I had tried to cut back, tried to maintain control and had been sober before. In the end, I always justified picking back up. Things I would say to myself:
"I have done well the past ______, I can handle a glass of wine with dinner"
"I will only drink this weekend, socially, while my friend is visiting"
"I won't drink cocktails, just wine"
Those statements work for normal drinkers (normies), not with alcoholics.
I finally got my heart and head on the same program and stopped the rationalizations of picking back up. I had to stop the rationalizations with big doses of reality.
The resource that gave me a big dose of reality was the book "Under The Influence". I found excerpts from that book posted in our Alcoholism forum. Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Keep coming back. We are here to support you.
I'm glad you found us.
I found this amazing site when I reached my bottom. I too was married, children, career and alcoholic. I had to want sobriety more than my marriage, children and career or I was going to lose it all.
I had tried to cut back, tried to maintain control and had been sober before. In the end, I always justified picking back up. Things I would say to myself:
"I have done well the past ______, I can handle a glass of wine with dinner"
"I will only drink this weekend, socially, while my friend is visiting"
"I won't drink cocktails, just wine"
Those statements work for normal drinkers (normies), not with alcoholics.
I finally got my heart and head on the same program and stopped the rationalizations of picking back up. I had to stop the rationalizations with big doses of reality.
The resource that gave me a big dose of reality was the book "Under The Influence". I found excerpts from that book posted in our Alcoholism forum. Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Keep coming back. We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Cheshire, N.W England
Posts: 6,803
hi
Hi
I joined this group this morning and am pretty much in the same boat as you. I've deeply hurt my loved ones and must get my act together and put things right. I know just how you feel. Be strong. We can do this together.
I joined this group this morning and am pretty much in the same boat as you. I've deeply hurt my loved ones and must get my act together and put things right. I know just how you feel. Be strong. We can do this together.
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