The Rust From All Your Rain
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 57
The Rust From All Your Rain
I'm new here. I have looked up recovery forums for people who have suffered from drug addicts around them, but I have never participated in anything before. I always felt like it was a private matter that I had to deal with by myself. Afterall, I'm not the one with the drug addiction or problem, right? Well, I've had it. I'm tired! Two major people have influenced my feelings today, but the problem has persisted for years.
First, my sister. She did drugs for many years. I knew what she was up to, but nobody in my family would listen. When the crap hit the fan, who was right? Me. Does it satisfy me at all? Not a single bit. Guess who helped Mom and Dad clean up the mess? Me. If I hear Mom tell me one more time that I should "just forgive her", "stop letting her live inside your head", or "get past it already" I may just explode. Why does it always feel like I am perpetually hiding my emotions for her sake? I realize that she's recovering and the one with the bigger issue, but her parents are mine as well!
The second person is my best friend of 16 years. She was always a rather wild one, but her drug addiction got more severe over the last 6 years. She claimed she knew she had a problem and always wanted help, but it was the same old sad song month after month. In the last 2 years it progressed even more and she started stealing medication from me. (Which I take as prescribed, as needed.) Then she would lie to me about it, or apologize, and the cycle repeated. I feel like a fool for taking her back every time but I was genuinely goaded into believing her every time she said she was sorry and going to get help.
Well as a recent update on my best friend, she got some professional help. She went into a rehab center a couple of months ago. I've talked to her twice and each time we spoke she said she's tried to call me numerous times. Even though my phone number has been the same for years, I never received such calls. The last couple of weeks I've called almost every day. The first time they said she was on Sick Call and could only accept personal family emergencies. The second and third time she was right next to the phone and I heard her tell the receptionist/screener that she'd call me back the next day, neither of which she did. Then for about a week they said that she was unavailable. When I called these last couple of times they claimed she was on "Blackout" but when I inquired as to what that was about they said they couldn't tell me. I asked if there was a better time to call and they said that I should just keep trying or to try and contact her counselor.
Given the circumstances, I honestly just feel like I'm getting the runaround. My friend is well known for blowing people off and only talking to them when she gets something out of it. She is pretty flaky even though I do love her, it's just I get this sinking feeling she's avoiding me on purpose. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to be patient and understanding - but I can't help this paranoid feeling.
What should I do? I really want to know how she's doing. She won't be out until August because she's in the six month program...
The bottom line is this: I'm just sick and tired of going out of my way for everyone. I think all these years of tolerance is enough. I've tried to cut this diseased limb off, but cutting these two people out of my life feels painful. I know what would be better for me, but like they are addicted to pills or needles, I'm addicted to their love.
r:
First, my sister. She did drugs for many years. I knew what she was up to, but nobody in my family would listen. When the crap hit the fan, who was right? Me. Does it satisfy me at all? Not a single bit. Guess who helped Mom and Dad clean up the mess? Me. If I hear Mom tell me one more time that I should "just forgive her", "stop letting her live inside your head", or "get past it already" I may just explode. Why does it always feel like I am perpetually hiding my emotions for her sake? I realize that she's recovering and the one with the bigger issue, but her parents are mine as well!
The second person is my best friend of 16 years. She was always a rather wild one, but her drug addiction got more severe over the last 6 years. She claimed she knew she had a problem and always wanted help, but it was the same old sad song month after month. In the last 2 years it progressed even more and she started stealing medication from me. (Which I take as prescribed, as needed.) Then she would lie to me about it, or apologize, and the cycle repeated. I feel like a fool for taking her back every time but I was genuinely goaded into believing her every time she said she was sorry and going to get help.
Well as a recent update on my best friend, she got some professional help. She went into a rehab center a couple of months ago. I've talked to her twice and each time we spoke she said she's tried to call me numerous times. Even though my phone number has been the same for years, I never received such calls. The last couple of weeks I've called almost every day. The first time they said she was on Sick Call and could only accept personal family emergencies. The second and third time she was right next to the phone and I heard her tell the receptionist/screener that she'd call me back the next day, neither of which she did. Then for about a week they said that she was unavailable. When I called these last couple of times they claimed she was on "Blackout" but when I inquired as to what that was about they said they couldn't tell me. I asked if there was a better time to call and they said that I should just keep trying or to try and contact her counselor.
Given the circumstances, I honestly just feel like I'm getting the runaround. My friend is well known for blowing people off and only talking to them when she gets something out of it. She is pretty flaky even though I do love her, it's just I get this sinking feeling she's avoiding me on purpose. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to be patient and understanding - but I can't help this paranoid feeling.
What should I do? I really want to know how she's doing. She won't be out until August because she's in the six month program...
The bottom line is this: I'm just sick and tired of going out of my way for everyone. I think all these years of tolerance is enough. I've tried to cut this diseased limb off, but cutting these two people out of my life feels painful. I know what would be better for me, but like they are addicted to pills or needles, I'm addicted to their love.
r:
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Faultywiring))) - welcome to SR!
I'm a RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (I have loved ones who are addicts. Being the codie is a pretty tough "job".
If they are both in early recovery, they are both having to be selfish. They are also in a position whey they are most likely overwhelmed with numerous feelings, including guilt/sham/remorse etc. Some RA's have to distance themselves from people for a time.
While they are using this time to work on THEM, it's the perfect time to focus on you. If you weren't trying to call an dcheck on this friend, what else would you be doing? It's natural to want to know how someone you care about is doing, but we having a saying around here, "hands off the addict". Letting the A face their consequences, and giving them the dignity of working their recovery program or, if they fail and hopefully get back up and try again, is truly the most loving thing a person can do for them.
We, as codies, are often as addicted to the addict and the addict is addicted to their DOC (drug of choice). We need to find new ways of occupying our minds and our time. When I was active, I had extremely little contact with my loved ones. When I began recovery, I was busy working, trying to overcome my consequences, and though my family supported me, it was mostly in terms of saying "we're proud of how you're doing" and that was it.
I hope you read around and see how others have, or are dealing with it. You are right..it's not simply "get over it" when your heart and life is so involved. The good news is, there are a lot of people here who "get" what you're going through here and are more than willing to answer questions, give suggestions and walk this path with you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (I have loved ones who are addicts. Being the codie is a pretty tough "job".
If they are both in early recovery, they are both having to be selfish. They are also in a position whey they are most likely overwhelmed with numerous feelings, including guilt/sham/remorse etc. Some RA's have to distance themselves from people for a time.
While they are using this time to work on THEM, it's the perfect time to focus on you. If you weren't trying to call an dcheck on this friend, what else would you be doing? It's natural to want to know how someone you care about is doing, but we having a saying around here, "hands off the addict". Letting the A face their consequences, and giving them the dignity of working their recovery program or, if they fail and hopefully get back up and try again, is truly the most loving thing a person can do for them.
We, as codies, are often as addicted to the addict and the addict is addicted to their DOC (drug of choice). We need to find new ways of occupying our minds and our time. When I was active, I had extremely little contact with my loved ones. When I began recovery, I was busy working, trying to overcome my consequences, and though my family supported me, it was mostly in terms of saying "we're proud of how you're doing" and that was it.
I hope you read around and see how others have, or are dealing with it. You are right..it's not simply "get over it" when your heart and life is so involved. The good news is, there are a lot of people here who "get" what you're going through here and are more than willing to answer questions, give suggestions and walk this path with you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Faultywiring,
Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you joined us.
Although our relationship to the addict might be different (boyfriends, husbands, daughters, siblings, etc), those of us who love an addict have an awful lot in common. It can be really hard to 'let go' and let them find their own way but that's exactly what we must do. There is nothing you can do or say to your sister or friend that will make them recover from their addiction one minute before they are ready. Try to take the focus of of THEM and what THEY are doing and put it back on yourself.
Lots of people here 'get' what you're going through. This is a great place...a very welcoming and encouraging site and I hope you'll stick around and work on your own recovery with us.
Welcome, welcome, welcome...
Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you joined us.
Although our relationship to the addict might be different (boyfriends, husbands, daughters, siblings, etc), those of us who love an addict have an awful lot in common. It can be really hard to 'let go' and let them find their own way but that's exactly what we must do. There is nothing you can do or say to your sister or friend that will make them recover from their addiction one minute before they are ready. Try to take the focus of of THEM and what THEY are doing and put it back on yourself.
Lots of people here 'get' what you're going through. This is a great place...a very welcoming and encouraging site and I hope you'll stick around and work on your own recovery with us.
Welcome, welcome, welcome...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
This site is really a great place for me .. I have a daughter who is drug addicted. But I don't think I would be functioning at all if not for alanon. Everybody ther has been in your boat.. you get to see living examples of people who are joyous, happy, and free even though they have loved ones who are addicts/alcoholics too. I felt like I was literally dying when I got ther-couldn't breathe,couldn't stop crying, thoughts of "I wish I were dead " were popping up numerous times a day...left first meeting like a 50 lb weight had been removed from my chest.. worth a try!
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 57
I understand the whole needing to be selfish thing, even though the other half of my head is telling me that they were always selfish in the first place. Part of me, I think, is just disappointed. I'm mostly over my sister being a user, because when she started with the drugs she pushed me away and it was a long, long time ago. It's been so long, I don't... "angst" for her affection so much anymore. With my best friend though? Years of being there, constantly, for her. What hurts most is not the fact that she is wanting "her" time right now, but the fact that she's blatantly ignoring my calls in the way she is. Hearing that lilt in her voice when she says casually, "Oh, just tell her I'll call her back tomorrow," to the receptionist and then doesn't follow through; the same things she did when she was using. Because she's been there for over half of her stay, I'm inclined to wonder what the deal is.
I guess these are all questions that will remain unanswered, for now. I apologize for sounding angst riddled...
I guess these are all questions that will remain unanswered, for now. I apologize for sounding angst riddled...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by FaultyWiring 
I guess these are all questions that will remain unanswered, for now. I apologize for sounding angst riddled...
The codie version of the Serenity prayer goes something like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Chino
The codie version of the Serenity prayer goes something like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
I realize that this is her decision. I've also made a few of my own, in that I'm not going to keep trying anymore. When or if she decides to come around, she's got my number.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I just wanted to add I recognize that you're grieving right now.
Did you ever see the movie When a Man Loves a Woman, with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia? Towards the end of the movie he was so lost and confused. He'd spent their entire marriage helping/enabling her, that when she found recovery and no longer wanted his help, he didn't know what to do.
It was different for me and my daughter, because I started the recovery process before she did. I no longer wanted to help (enable) her the way I had been.
I just sent an email to an old friend today, finally explaining why I suddenly went no contact with him a few years ago. We'd been friends since 4th grade. I didn't tell him about my daughter's addiction, I told him I got hit hard with things beyond my control and I had to acquire some coping skills. That I couldn't do that and continue to be there for others, the way I had been almost all my life.
I don't know if I've said anything helpful or not, I just imagine what you're expressing might be close to how some of my friends felt. I didn't mean to hurt them but I know I did. I just had to focus 100% on saving myself.
By the way, it's because of your story that I finally sent that email. My friend won't ever know why I finally did, but now he and I both have closure. Thank you for helping me realize I was ready.
Did you ever see the movie When a Man Loves a Woman, with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia? Towards the end of the movie he was so lost and confused. He'd spent their entire marriage helping/enabling her, that when she found recovery and no longer wanted his help, he didn't know what to do.
It was different for me and my daughter, because I started the recovery process before she did. I no longer wanted to help (enable) her the way I had been.
I just sent an email to an old friend today, finally explaining why I suddenly went no contact with him a few years ago. We'd been friends since 4th grade. I didn't tell him about my daughter's addiction, I told him I got hit hard with things beyond my control and I had to acquire some coping skills. That I couldn't do that and continue to be there for others, the way I had been almost all my life.
I don't know if I've said anything helpful or not, I just imagine what you're expressing might be close to how some of my friends felt. I didn't mean to hurt them but I know I did. I just had to focus 100% on saving myself.
By the way, it's because of your story that I finally sent that email. My friend won't ever know why I finally did, but now he and I both have closure. Thank you for helping me realize I was ready.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm not really all that spiritual, but I appreciate the sentiments.
Sometimes I say to myself, 'Self, be accepting of others - I cannot change them, be strong enough to change the person I can, and be wise enough to know it's me. This is how I will find serenity.'
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Faulty, First let me welcome you to SR. This site has tons of support and alot of positive information for people like you and I that love people that are addicted. My son is an addict and his addiction has crippled me with heartache. To the point where my hair fell out, and I couldn't function. Naranon is a great meeting for people like us. We learn how to deal with, and love the addict, without enabling them. As far as your friend goes, she lied to you and stole your pills, but that's all part of the addiction. And now that she is getting clean, you need to step back, and just let it all unfold. As far as your sister goes, she is family. And regardless of the pain she has caused your family, and the rift it's brought between you and your family, be thankful that she is getting help, and just love her unconditionally. Forgiveness is a beautiful and freeing gift to yourself if you can find it in your heart to do. Addicts cannot control the impulse to use. It's a brain disease, and would you forgive these 2 people if they had cancer? Well addiction is a disease, just as life threatening and devastating. The fact that it's self inflicted means nothing. The addict hates their own behavior, but the brain keeps telling them to go. I know cause I will be clean 5 years on May 29. The first year of recovery, my brain kept telling me to go. But I wanted to recover, and I fought for my sobriety.
I know it's hard to forgive when people hurt you. Maybe it's time for your friendship with your friend to end. Relationships end in life, and it's not always a bad thing. I wish you all the best. Enjoy this site. It's my savior.
I know it's hard to forgive when people hurt you. Maybe it's time for your friendship with your friend to end. Relationships end in life, and it's not always a bad thing. I wish you all the best. Enjoy this site. It's my savior.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Yes Faulty, I am sorry that I didn't make myself clear. What I meant by cancer compared to addiction is that addiction is a brain disease. And even if the addict wants to stop using, the addicted brain, that controls their body and mind wont allow them to stop. So, cancer, or diabetes, or just another life threatening illness compared to addicition. My point was the sick person is powerless over the disease, until they get help or treatment. There really is no comparison between those illnesses. I'm sorry your going through this. I have been through hell and back with drug addiction. My heart goes out to you. It's not easy.
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