hgarvin

I remember watching my parents fighting - my mom coming home in a drunken stupor and being what she always was as a drunk - a polarity. Either overly happy and touchy feely, or attempting to snap your neck. Usually it was the latter. Or it started as her slobbering all over my dad, him pushing her off, and then the latter. I had grown up with their fights, and learned to deal with it. I remember laying in bed and trying to pretend like I couldn't hear them - staying still and keeping my eyes closed. Not daring to open them. But when my younger sister came along and the fighting got worse, things got harder. Without any time to get used to it, to become hardened to the yelling and fighting, my little sister never seemed to recover like I did. And, on Christmas Eve, when my mother hit my father, I couldn't pretend to be asleep any more. I ran downstairs. Grabbed my sister's hand. Told her to stop screaming, it would be okay. I restrained my dad, my tiny frame holding back all 250 pounds of him. Who did she think she was? To hit a grown man, who had vowed to never hit her? To entice him like that, and expect him not to do a single thing back? I never could tell him how much I respected him that night, for not doing a single thing back. Instead, he did the responsible thing. He took me and my sister, and he left. We walked, in our slippers, in the snow, at 2 AM, on Christmas Eve. We walked four miles. To my aunt's house. In our coats and our pajamas. We stayed up and dipped candy canes into hot chocolate. And when we woke in the morning, our mother was there. She didn't have to say a single word. No "I'm sorry" or "I was out of line". My dad had no choice but to forgive her. What else could he do? He had, afterall, been laid off from his job after 19 years. She was, afterall, the only one working. And, when sober, she was a good mother, more or less. So we had a normal Christmas day. But my mother never was happy after my dad's unemployment. His inability to provide for his family pushed him into a deep depression, while her hard work yielded hardly enough money to keep us afloat. They were both helpless. And so the drinking got worse. And worse. Until, finally, my dad went back to school. And then it got even worse. Until, finally, my dad got a well-paying, fully benefited job with Toyota. And then, for some reason, it got even worse. I think it has to do with the sacrifices my mom made - she was pregnant, married, out of high school, and living in her own house at the age of 16. She never got to be crazy, go to parties, have adventures. She waited until she divorced her first husband for that. She never stopped, either. Even when she married my dad. Even to this day. Her drinking doesn't satisfy her. Her job in a strip club wasn't fun enough. Cocaine just wouldn't do the trick. For some reason, even her affair couldn't satisfy her cravings. I guess it'll take ruining another daughter's life, taking the roof from over our heads, the car from our driveway, the furniture from our house, my college tuition from the bank. I had to pay only 5,000 dollars a year to go to Vanderbilt University, one of the top ranked in the nation. And she took that too. So, as I was browsing the pages on soberrecovery.com, a last fledged attempt to help her in some way, she came stumbling into our house, thinking nobody was here. But instead she found me. I quickly minimized the page. "This is Scott." she slurred. "You know, he's all that and a bag of f**king chips." That's all she had to say to me, after missing my last orchestra concert, my graduation, and an entire year of my life. No "i'm sorry" or "I was out of line." That was all she had to say.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, hgarvin. So glad you found us. Reading your story actually brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that. But sweetie, you cannot help your mother. You can only take the very best care of yourself possible. What your mom chooses to do is out of your control. I know it sucks to watch people we care about make such bad decisions, but the reality is that until SHE wants to change, there is nothing you can do for her.

What happened to your father and younger sister? Are you all still living together? Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling? Have you considered Al-Anon? There are people there who can give you face to face support so you won't feel so alone. SR is a wonderful online support forum and I hope you'll stick around and read and post often. We do care about you.

gmc

I am so sorry for your situation. All I can say is that I wish you strength right now - strength to concentrate on yourself. And to remember her addictions are not about you - even though, sadly enough, they affect you. Sounds like you have had to be strong all your life, stay strong right now! You will get through this!

wanting

I'm so sorry. I hope that you'll stay with us and find strength and hope.

wanting

And I have to add that your subject line was pretty funny. We sure learn to use that dry, sarcastic humor to bury the pain, don't we?

freefalling

I really felt sad for you when I read your letter.What a strong little girl you had to be. We want to be here for you now. We care.

The affects of alcoholism on you life can be minimized if you learn about addiction and get the right tools to live life! This has got nothing to do with you and all to do with a disease . stay with us. The people here are wonderful!

Lots of love and hugs from me

Kmber2010

Sending you tons of huggs and love. Glad you are here and know that so many here have been affected by alcohol and by mental abuse. We are here to support you.

I am a bit choked up as well because of the amount of courage and strength you have at such a young age.

You may not be able to help your mom but there is so much support out there to help you and see you through so you can be happy and free.

I am thinking of you.

naive

hi there-

my, you are an effective writer.

you can't help your mother, but you can get help for yourself. there is an organization called alanon (or alateen) which is a group of people who have lived with alcoholics who understand. can you find one in your area?

you don't have to say anything in the meeting. you can just listen if you want.

as for vanderbilt, i'm sorry that your mother took that too. is there some less expensive community college you can go to, in order to get your basic prereq. courses under your belt? as a college teacher myself, i know that a good student will learn and excel anywhere....

i hope you stick around. lots of good people here who understand.

we are here and we're listening.

you take care now.
naive

coffeedrinker

hgarvin,

i am so glad you found this board, and had the courage to write your first post.

i am so sorry that your father and aunt didn't find a way to keep the door closed to you mother that awful christmas. but with time and hindsight, you will make even more sense of everything that has happened thus far.

in the meetings of al-anon, at the end of the meeting time, this is spoken:

We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you.

please keep coming back. we don't know you, yet we do. and we love you.