Rollercoaster - Alcoholic BF - guidance needed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Rollercoaster - Alcoholic BF - guidance needed
Hi everyone-
This is my first post. I am hoping to find some guidance and also some solace in this space.
Two years ago I had no idea that my decision to attend a party would be one that would change my life forever. That night I met the most wonderful man -Smart, funny, creative, outgoing, laid back, and for some odd reason, despite the instant attraction and butterflies, I was 100% myself from the first moment we met. I knew right then and there, that this was someone special that I needed to get to know. The first few months of our relationship were pure bliss. I guess you could call it summer love. A simple man, the smartest man I had I ever met, had become the love of my life in only a few short months. I knew he was the one.
I did not realize that he had an alcohol problem until about 6 months into our relationship. I was cleaning the kitchen one day and opened the liquor cabinet, and was shocked when I found all of the bottles were almost empty. It took me a while after that discovery to even say something. I started to think twice about everything after that moment, the "late nights at work", the "grabbing a beer with the guys", the "sorry, honey, i'm tapped out on cash until my next pay check, can you cover me?". It hit me like a ton of bricks, and all of the pieces started to come together.
I finally addressed my concerns and was met with a reaction of shock and awe. My boyfriend had lost his father a few years before we met, and he blamed his drinking on his grief. I felt horrible. I spent the next few months second guessing if my discovery of his abuse was even a discovery, or just more of an overreaction.
A few months later, I realized that I was right all along. He had a problem, and from my standpoint, he needed help. He was going out every night after work, and many nights would call to say "I'm leaving in 10 minutes. I would get a call 4 hours later from a different man, one who's voice I no longer recognized. This went on for months. Late nights, me being furious, sad, and even more so, scared. Then one night a few weeks later, I got a call from him. He was at the bar with a co-worker, and he was crying. He had finally admitted that he had a problem and that he needed to get help. He told me I didn't deserve any of the pain he had put me through. My prayers had been answered.
The last year of my life has been a Rollercoaster. We attended one AA meeting together last summer. Ever since that meeting, I have seen him change in big ways. His drinking has been curtailed immensely, and he has has been more productive with work then ever before. Then it happens. He comes home drunk after a few weeks of sobriety, and the apologies, the guilt, the pain, the overdrawn checking account. It all happens again.
Two nights ago, I knew it was going to happen again before it started. He had to go to an event with his co-workers. All of whom he will not tell about his problem. But since his phone call a year ago, he has not ever had a crink in front of me, even when we are with his friends. But two nights ago, he called to tell me he was having fun, and that he would be home soon. I could hear it in his voice. I didn't hear from him for hours. I knew exactly where he was, and I got in my car and went to the bar to get him. I regretted doing it before I even started the ignition. I was angry, and I wanted him to know that I can't continue on this way.
So here I am today. As much in love with him as the day I met him, but more frustrated than I ever thought possible.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I think this was somewhat theraputic just putting it into words.
I welcome your advice and support. Thank you!
This is my first post. I am hoping to find some guidance and also some solace in this space.
Two years ago I had no idea that my decision to attend a party would be one that would change my life forever. That night I met the most wonderful man -Smart, funny, creative, outgoing, laid back, and for some odd reason, despite the instant attraction and butterflies, I was 100% myself from the first moment we met. I knew right then and there, that this was someone special that I needed to get to know. The first few months of our relationship were pure bliss. I guess you could call it summer love. A simple man, the smartest man I had I ever met, had become the love of my life in only a few short months. I knew he was the one.
I did not realize that he had an alcohol problem until about 6 months into our relationship. I was cleaning the kitchen one day and opened the liquor cabinet, and was shocked when I found all of the bottles were almost empty. It took me a while after that discovery to even say something. I started to think twice about everything after that moment, the "late nights at work", the "grabbing a beer with the guys", the "sorry, honey, i'm tapped out on cash until my next pay check, can you cover me?". It hit me like a ton of bricks, and all of the pieces started to come together.
I finally addressed my concerns and was met with a reaction of shock and awe. My boyfriend had lost his father a few years before we met, and he blamed his drinking on his grief. I felt horrible. I spent the next few months second guessing if my discovery of his abuse was even a discovery, or just more of an overreaction.
A few months later, I realized that I was right all along. He had a problem, and from my standpoint, he needed help. He was going out every night after work, and many nights would call to say "I'm leaving in 10 minutes. I would get a call 4 hours later from a different man, one who's voice I no longer recognized. This went on for months. Late nights, me being furious, sad, and even more so, scared. Then one night a few weeks later, I got a call from him. He was at the bar with a co-worker, and he was crying. He had finally admitted that he had a problem and that he needed to get help. He told me I didn't deserve any of the pain he had put me through. My prayers had been answered.
The last year of my life has been a Rollercoaster. We attended one AA meeting together last summer. Ever since that meeting, I have seen him change in big ways. His drinking has been curtailed immensely, and he has has been more productive with work then ever before. Then it happens. He comes home drunk after a few weeks of sobriety, and the apologies, the guilt, the pain, the overdrawn checking account. It all happens again.
Two nights ago, I knew it was going to happen again before it started. He had to go to an event with his co-workers. All of whom he will not tell about his problem. But since his phone call a year ago, he has not ever had a crink in front of me, even when we are with his friends. But two nights ago, he called to tell me he was having fun, and that he would be home soon. I could hear it in his voice. I didn't hear from him for hours. I knew exactly where he was, and I got in my car and went to the bar to get him. I regretted doing it before I even started the ignition. I was angry, and I wanted him to know that I can't continue on this way.
So here I am today. As much in love with him as the day I met him, but more frustrated than I ever thought possible.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I think this was somewhat theraputic just putting it into words.
I welcome your advice and support. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
HI,
You have found a welcoming place with great experience, strength and hope.
Detach. Don't go to meetings with him. His program is HIS to work. His decision to do it or not.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Detach.
Have you been to al anon?
You have found a welcoming place with great experience, strength and hope.
Detach. Don't go to meetings with him. His program is HIS to work. His decision to do it or not.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Detach.
Have you been to al anon?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You will find support and information here for yourself. We understand what it is like to have a loved one addicted to alcohol.
I am sorry that your alcoholic has not found sobriety. I know that you want him to get better, but it is not in your power to help him get sober or to love him enough to keep him sober.
I learned about the three C's of addiction at Alanon and on this website. The three C's are:
You did not cause the addiction
You can not control the addiction
You will not cure the addiction
It is painful to watch a loved one continue to turn keep going back to the bottle over and over again. It is even more painful to lose yourself to someone else's addiction.
Your life is important. Your happiness is important.
I encourage you to keep reaching out for support. Keep posting here and try face to face meetings at Alanon. You can find local meetings by doing an online search of Alanon.
You will find support and information here for yourself. We understand what it is like to have a loved one addicted to alcohol.
I am sorry that your alcoholic has not found sobriety. I know that you want him to get better, but it is not in your power to help him get sober or to love him enough to keep him sober.
I learned about the three C's of addiction at Alanon and on this website. The three C's are:
You did not cause the addiction
You can not control the addiction
You will not cure the addiction
It is painful to watch a loved one continue to turn keep going back to the bottle over and over again. It is even more painful to lose yourself to someone else's addiction.
Your life is important. Your happiness is important.
I encourage you to keep reaching out for support. Keep posting here and try face to face meetings at Alanon. You can find local meetings by doing an online search of Alanon.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
wishicouldfixit
welcome to sober recovery. this is a wonderful site, and you will find a lot of support and encouragement here.
a year or less into my marriage, i realized my husband was alcoholic. he had a pattern of randomly going out and getting completely plastered. one morning the phone rang at 4:00 a.m. it was the police asking if i wanted to come and pick him up; he had gotten a d.u.i. he had gone to a work party, made sure our children were safe in the home of a babysitter.
he only lived a life of sobriety and recovery for about a year. my beautiful and precious children are now young adults, and one is also alcoholic.
of course he's remorseful. but remorse and telling you he wants to change this awful destruction is not enough.
keep coming here. we'll support you.
welcome to sober recovery. this is a wonderful site, and you will find a lot of support and encouragement here.
a year or less into my marriage, i realized my husband was alcoholic. he had a pattern of randomly going out and getting completely plastered. one morning the phone rang at 4:00 a.m. it was the police asking if i wanted to come and pick him up; he had gotten a d.u.i. he had gone to a work party, made sure our children were safe in the home of a babysitter.
he only lived a life of sobriety and recovery for about a year. my beautiful and precious children are now young adults, and one is also alcoholic.
of course he's remorseful. but remorse and telling you he wants to change this awful destruction is not enough.
keep coming here. we'll support you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Oh, Wish, I feel for you. I am just now picking up the pieces of my life after my intense, overwhelming 4 year relationship with a hopeless alkie/addict. Charming, ability to be wonderful, intelligent, funny, and adoring...and just hopeless. It is very hard. Al Anon has helped me very much, and books like Coependent No More. I mourn the loss of my "dream love" but I sure as hell would never want to go back to the sickness and insanity I had to go through while with him. It was literally insanity.
We are apart, divorced now and I am in recovery while he is not...and he still is displaying his illness and he will progressively get worse and there is nothing I can do except work on myself.
I feel for you; but please know there is hope. You can save yourself, you can find a better life, and you do not have to put up with insanity. I promise you the alternative is so much better. Remember that. You are precious - be good to yourself.
Hang in there.
Soph
We are apart, divorced now and I am in recovery while he is not...and he still is displaying his illness and he will progressively get worse and there is nothing I can do except work on myself.
I feel for you; but please know there is hope. You can save yourself, you can find a better life, and you do not have to put up with insanity. I promise you the alternative is so much better. Remember that. You are precious - be good to yourself.
Hang in there.
Soph
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 94
Definitely attend Al Anon meetings and get some support. I only wish that I would have done that in the very beginning. My husband is sober and has almost a year in. I recently started attending Al Anon, about a month ago, because even with him sober, I still see my codependent ways that need changing. I could have definitely benefited from Al Anon when he was in active use, but am still benefiting from it today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
My story is much like yours. I was single, financially independent and happy. I was not looking for anyone when I fell in love with a wonderful man who had many admirable qualities. I saw the warning signs before we got married but thought that things would change once we got married. I could not have been more wrong. It got worse. As Soph said, "It was literally insanity. " Honestly, I didn't know what insanity was until I lived with an alcoholic. It was hard to divorce a man whom I love very much but it was the only choice I had if I was to survive. I'm doing o.k. now. This website helped me through some very tough times. For the past few months I have been attending Alanon and it is a lifesaver. My recommendations to you are that if you are not married to this man then don't even think about it. And find an Alanon meeting in your area and give it a try. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 12
Wish,
We're in a similar boat. This is also my first time on here, my boyfriend is also an alcoholic. If you asked him, he'd admit to it.... but he continues on this path of destruction completely blind to the wreckage he's leaving. Two weeks ago yesterday he came home randomly, telling me was ready to quit drinking citing "Alcohol has no place in my life, I'm ready to take the next step".. on Wednesday, he came home after having a "bad day" and informed me he was ready to drink. Devastated but not knowing what to do, I simply told him to do what he felt he needed to do. Never once did he ask for help, for guidance, for anything. He was ready to give in. I know (through past experience with this same person) that putting our relationship on the line isn't going to change anything. He'd quit, but only for me, and that isn't the point of the process. He has to do this for HIMSELF.. which got me thinking, there are things I need to do for myself! Yesterday I laid down some ground rules..
I will not go pick him up at the bar. I will not spend time with him when he's drinking. If I'm home, and he wants to drink, I'll go upstairs, I'll go to a friends house. I don't know if this will work but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to continue this and resent (or eventually hate) him. Tuesday night I go to my first Al-anon meeting.
I'm here if you need to talk.
We're in a similar boat. This is also my first time on here, my boyfriend is also an alcoholic. If you asked him, he'd admit to it.... but he continues on this path of destruction completely blind to the wreckage he's leaving. Two weeks ago yesterday he came home randomly, telling me was ready to quit drinking citing "Alcohol has no place in my life, I'm ready to take the next step".. on Wednesday, he came home after having a "bad day" and informed me he was ready to drink. Devastated but not knowing what to do, I simply told him to do what he felt he needed to do. Never once did he ask for help, for guidance, for anything. He was ready to give in. I know (through past experience with this same person) that putting our relationship on the line isn't going to change anything. He'd quit, but only for me, and that isn't the point of the process. He has to do this for HIMSELF.. which got me thinking, there are things I need to do for myself! Yesterday I laid down some ground rules..
I will not go pick him up at the bar. I will not spend time with him when he's drinking. If I'm home, and he wants to drink, I'll go upstairs, I'll go to a friends house. I don't know if this will work but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to continue this and resent (or eventually hate) him. Tuesday night I go to my first Al-anon meeting.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies. I have been to a few al anon meetings, and have felt much better after attending, so I will keep that up. I guess my biggest question to myself is at what point do I stop believing in him and hoping for a change? I have seen some great friends of mine succeed in their own sobriety, and I continue to have high hopes for my BF. I guess in his moments under the influence (which are fewer and farther between---but still not an excuse), I have felt like I am at a breaking point, and then I think of my life without him and I break down even more.
Missfixit- you are right- I can not attend meetings with him, nor can I urge him to go. I have learned my lesson that I need to detach myself from HIS situation. THe hardest thing I have dealt with in all of this is I have let myself detach from my own friends in order to not put my BF in tempting situations. I know I need to become MUCH more selfish in all of this.
Rki- it does sound like a similar situation. I'm looking forward to hearing more
Thank you again, everyone.
Missfixit- you are right- I can not attend meetings with him, nor can I urge him to go. I have learned my lesson that I need to detach myself from HIS situation. THe hardest thing I have dealt with in all of this is I have let myself detach from my own friends in order to not put my BF in tempting situations. I know I need to become MUCH more selfish in all of this.
Rki- it does sound like a similar situation. I'm looking forward to hearing more
Thank you again, everyone.
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