learning not to enable
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
learning not to enable
quick update.
My friend/romantic interest asked me if I would go to his home group meeting with him. We agreed to go tonight.
Two nights ago, he texts me and asks me if I would like to go to a roller derby with him and two of his friends instead.
I told him that I would be more interested in going to his meeting with him.
He said that going out with his friends is part of his recovery because of this process is maintaining friendships and relationships.
Long story short, I am not spending this evening with him. It has been almost two months since he has gone to a meeting. I am choosing not to enable him any longer.
He is making it very clear that his recovery is not important to him at this point in time. I am standing back and detaching as best as I can. My heart aches for him, but I must stand back and watch the consequences of his relapse into active addiction unfold. There is nothing I can do. This is very hard for a recovering co-dependent to admit, but I am working on myself as best as I can.
I would like to thank everyone here who has given be such valuable and insightful advice!
My friend/romantic interest asked me if I would go to his home group meeting with him. We agreed to go tonight.
Two nights ago, he texts me and asks me if I would like to go to a roller derby with him and two of his friends instead.
I told him that I would be more interested in going to his meeting with him.
He said that going out with his friends is part of his recovery because of this process is maintaining friendships and relationships.
Long story short, I am not spending this evening with him. It has been almost two months since he has gone to a meeting. I am choosing not to enable him any longer.
He is making it very clear that his recovery is not important to him at this point in time. I am standing back and detaching as best as I can. My heart aches for him, but I must stand back and watch the consequences of his relapse into active addiction unfold. There is nothing I can do. This is very hard for a recovering co-dependent to admit, but I am working on myself as best as I can.
I would like to thank everyone here who has given be such valuable and insightful advice!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by oshkoshberjosh 
There is nothing I can do. This is very hard for a recovering co-dependent to admit, but I am working on myself as best as I can.
Ahhh... but you are taking care of you. You have recognized the pattern and you choose to take care of you.... and that is good.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker
keep moving on.
I am not sure why you'd go to a meeting w/him anyway
When he is ready, recovery is his thing - you do your thing which may be letting go
I am not sure why you'd go to a meeting w/him anyway
When he is ready, recovery is his thing - you do your thing which may be letting go
He probably wasn't expecting me to agree to go in the first place. I may have called his bluff.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
unless he's a big manipulator, i wouldn't guess that his inviting you was such a calculating deed so as to make you think something - although i don't know the context or if things have been heating up between you two - getting tense or ugly. he possibly just wanted to go, asked on a whim, then wasn't interested in following through.
the one or two times i went to an open a.a. meeting with my xabf -- sitting in the back of a really big room, holding hands and listening to speakers was, i think, good for us.
last thanksgiving he went with me to my al-anon's annual gratitude meeting. on the way home he said how glad he was he went, and took my hand and said he was looking forward to he and i continuing to recover together. i think he's gone to a handful of meetings since that time.
this is what has made me finally understand that it actions, not words.
it's follow-through, not intentions.
oshkosh, you are doing well. roller derby sounds more fun that an ol' meeting - his lack of commitment is telling.
and you not joining him is good for YOU - i hope you didn't do it to "show him" or to punish him. you don't choose to be with him in an intimate relationship if he is not in recovery.
the one or two times i went to an open a.a. meeting with my xabf -- sitting in the back of a really big room, holding hands and listening to speakers was, i think, good for us.
last thanksgiving he went with me to my al-anon's annual gratitude meeting. on the way home he said how glad he was he went, and took my hand and said he was looking forward to he and i continuing to recover together. i think he's gone to a handful of meetings since that time.
this is what has made me finally understand that it actions, not words.
it's follow-through, not intentions.
oshkosh, you are doing well. roller derby sounds more fun that an ol' meeting - his lack of commitment is telling.
and you not joining him is good for YOU - i hope you didn't do it to "show him" or to punish him. you don't choose to be with him in an intimate relationship if he is not in recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Boise, ID
Posts: 36
I have an AS and I found going to AA meetings helpful for me to learn more about addiction. I didn't chose to go with my son, however. I mostly focus on al-anon meetings now but I think I'm ready to go to an AA meeting, just to listen and be reminded of the power of what has him in a strong-hold.
Good for you for recognizing when to say "NO"! So tough sometimes, especially because I care so much - but, without a doubt, the right thing to do.
I hope you have a great day! Kelly
Good for you for recognizing when to say "NO"! So tough sometimes, especially because I care so much - but, without a doubt, the right thing to do.
I hope you have a great day! Kelly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
unless he's a big manipulator, i wouldn't guess that his inviting you was such a calculating deed so as to make you think something - although i don't know the context or if things have been heating up between you two - getting tense or ugly. he possibly just wanted to go, asked on a whim, then wasn't interested in following through.
the one or two times i went to an open a.a. meeting with my xabf -- sitting in the back of a really big room, holding hands and listening to speakers was, i think, good for us.
last thanksgiving he went with me to my al-anon's annual gratitude meeting. on the way home he said how glad he was he went, and took my hand and said he was looking forward to he and i continuing to recover together. i think he's gone to a handful of meetings since that time.
this is what has made me finally understand that it actions, not words.
it's follow-through, not intentions.
oshkosh, you are doing well. roller derby sounds more fun that an ol' meeting - his lack of commitment is telling.
and you not joining him is good for YOU - i hope you didn't do it to "show him" or to punish him. you don't choose to be with him in an intimate relationship if he is not in recovery.
the one or two times i went to an open a.a. meeting with my xabf -- sitting in the back of a really big room, holding hands and listening to speakers was, i think, good for us.
last thanksgiving he went with me to my al-anon's annual gratitude meeting. on the way home he said how glad he was he went, and took my hand and said he was looking forward to he and i continuing to recover together. i think he's gone to a handful of meetings since that time.
this is what has made me finally understand that it actions, not words.
it's follow-through, not intentions.
oshkosh, you are doing well. roller derby sounds more fun that an ol' meeting - his lack of commitment is telling.
and you not joining him is good for YOU - i hope you didn't do it to "show him" or to punish him. you don't choose to be with him in an intimate relationship if he is not in recovery.
I decided not to go do the roller derby thing because I am not sure I can handle being a part of his life if he is not in recovery. The hard part is that we work together, so I am not able to just completely cut it out of my life at the present.
Thank you so much for your response! I an really identify with it.
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