Alcohol-fueled craziness...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Alcohol-fueled craziness...
At the beginning of this year I resolved to separate from my AW after a particularly awful incident over the Christmas period. We both agreed it would be good to have time apart. On reflection and after some good advice from friends I decided that if we do get separated we should do so legally, to cover myself should we proceed to a divorce situation.
After speaking to my lawyer about this he said if there are children and alcohol involved (there are two small children) it makes no difference whether we get separated or divorced - we'd have to be assessed by a professional like a forensic psychologist to determine who the more suitable person would be to look after the kids.
I resolved to stay in the marital home for the sake of the children until mutually agreeable terms could be reached for a separation. I wanted it plainly stated in the separation agreement that if she's the primary caregiver she's not to drink for the time period of the separation. She was livid at this idea, and promptly told me that my conditions were ridiculous and that she wanted a divorce, as she didn't want to first have to go through a whole lot of legalease for a separation and then more for a divorce. My interpretation of her reasons though was that I was asking the impossible of her at this point, namely to seek help for her addiction.
Sure enough, two weeks later I got served. On that evening she came back drunk from a social function and proceeded to harass me about what I intended to do about getting served. I told her I was going to contest the terms of the divorce specifically about the custody of the children due to her alcoholism. Once served I had been given ten days to inform the court of my intention to defend the matter or else it would be assumed I had no issue with the terms. I went to my lawyer who duly informed her lawyer of my intentions, based on my allegations of her alcohol abuse.
And this is where the craziness starts...
She's been telling her lawyer she has no drinking problems at all, that she drinks moderately and that I'm grossly exaggerating the amount she drinks. I know this from his communications to my lawyer.
Her own family, upon hearing the news of my divorce summons, promptly all got together with her to try and convince her to withdraw the summons, go to rehab, stay sober for a good while after that and then serve me again. They went this route because they know she's an alcoholic, as do her friends, as do various healthcare professionals in the town we live in. I agreed with them that that would be the way to go. In other words, I'd like to get divorced too, but if she wants primary care of the kids she must be sober. That is non-negotiable on my part, and her family back me up on that, even though most of them don't like me much.
Against the advice of friends, our doctor, her therapist, her family and me she genuinely believes she doesn't have a problem with alcohol. She has a history of depression and is on permanent medication for it.
Like all antidepressants, they should not be combined with large amounts of habitual drinking and sleeping tablets. She complains of being constantly exhausted but when I point out that it may have something to do with consuming a bottle of wine every evening for the last two years, she flies into a rage.
Both her lawyer and my lawyer are trying to settle our dispute quickly and painlessly, because of the tortuous process of assessment that we'd have to follow should I contest.
Based on this, her lawyer has suggested to her and to us that she do liver tests to see if there's any truth to my claims. That's where we are at now. Waiting to see if she'll consent to such tests. This puts her in a tenuous position. If she consents I have no doubt the test results will show her liver enzymes as off the scale. If she refuses it will look highly suspicious to her lawyer, who may start wising up to her "less than honest" declarations of moderate consumption.
In all this, she blames me squarely for the tension in the home, for the problems this is causing the children and actually, she blames me for her drinking too. She claims that if I'd leave she'd have the space to sort herself out. All well and good but for the fact that we have kids. There is no way I'm abandoning them to her drunken antics. I'm simply not prepared to chance it.
What she doesn't get is that I don't want to deprive her of the kids. I don't want to deprive my kids of their mother either. She's a perfectly capable and good mother when she's sober. She's better with our kids than many of the mommies I've seen around here. She's confusing my worry and her family's worry with blame. She says she won't take the blame for our failed relationship. I in turn say that our relationship has failed because I can't live with her ongoing drunkenness. It's all tit-for-tat with us and we've been stuck in this loop now for years. For me there is no love left. I don't hate her but whoever it was I married is not there anymore.
But now, because she's served me, the focus is on the well-being of the kids. No longer can she use our screwed-up relationship as ammunition against me. For me that doesn't count anymore. She has unwittingly thrown the spotlight on herself now, as a drunken parent, not as the unhappy partner of a failed marriage.
After speaking to my lawyer about this he said if there are children and alcohol involved (there are two small children) it makes no difference whether we get separated or divorced - we'd have to be assessed by a professional like a forensic psychologist to determine who the more suitable person would be to look after the kids.
I resolved to stay in the marital home for the sake of the children until mutually agreeable terms could be reached for a separation. I wanted it plainly stated in the separation agreement that if she's the primary caregiver she's not to drink for the time period of the separation. She was livid at this idea, and promptly told me that my conditions were ridiculous and that she wanted a divorce, as she didn't want to first have to go through a whole lot of legalease for a separation and then more for a divorce. My interpretation of her reasons though was that I was asking the impossible of her at this point, namely to seek help for her addiction.
Sure enough, two weeks later I got served. On that evening she came back drunk from a social function and proceeded to harass me about what I intended to do about getting served. I told her I was going to contest the terms of the divorce specifically about the custody of the children due to her alcoholism. Once served I had been given ten days to inform the court of my intention to defend the matter or else it would be assumed I had no issue with the terms. I went to my lawyer who duly informed her lawyer of my intentions, based on my allegations of her alcohol abuse.
And this is where the craziness starts...
She's been telling her lawyer she has no drinking problems at all, that she drinks moderately and that I'm grossly exaggerating the amount she drinks. I know this from his communications to my lawyer.
Her own family, upon hearing the news of my divorce summons, promptly all got together with her to try and convince her to withdraw the summons, go to rehab, stay sober for a good while after that and then serve me again. They went this route because they know she's an alcoholic, as do her friends, as do various healthcare professionals in the town we live in. I agreed with them that that would be the way to go. In other words, I'd like to get divorced too, but if she wants primary care of the kids she must be sober. That is non-negotiable on my part, and her family back me up on that, even though most of them don't like me much.
Against the advice of friends, our doctor, her therapist, her family and me she genuinely believes she doesn't have a problem with alcohol. She has a history of depression and is on permanent medication for it.
Like all antidepressants, they should not be combined with large amounts of habitual drinking and sleeping tablets. She complains of being constantly exhausted but when I point out that it may have something to do with consuming a bottle of wine every evening for the last two years, she flies into a rage.
Both her lawyer and my lawyer are trying to settle our dispute quickly and painlessly, because of the tortuous process of assessment that we'd have to follow should I contest.
Based on this, her lawyer has suggested to her and to us that she do liver tests to see if there's any truth to my claims. That's where we are at now. Waiting to see if she'll consent to such tests. This puts her in a tenuous position. If she consents I have no doubt the test results will show her liver enzymes as off the scale. If she refuses it will look highly suspicious to her lawyer, who may start wising up to her "less than honest" declarations of moderate consumption.
In all this, she blames me squarely for the tension in the home, for the problems this is causing the children and actually, she blames me for her drinking too. She claims that if I'd leave she'd have the space to sort herself out. All well and good but for the fact that we have kids. There is no way I'm abandoning them to her drunken antics. I'm simply not prepared to chance it.
What she doesn't get is that I don't want to deprive her of the kids. I don't want to deprive my kids of their mother either. She's a perfectly capable and good mother when she's sober. She's better with our kids than many of the mommies I've seen around here. She's confusing my worry and her family's worry with blame. She says she won't take the blame for our failed relationship. I in turn say that our relationship has failed because I can't live with her ongoing drunkenness. It's all tit-for-tat with us and we've been stuck in this loop now for years. For me there is no love left. I don't hate her but whoever it was I married is not there anymore.
But now, because she's served me, the focus is on the well-being of the kids. No longer can she use our screwed-up relationship as ammunition against me. For me that doesn't count anymore. She has unwittingly thrown the spotlight on herself now, as a drunken parent, not as the unhappy partner of a failed marriage.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: uk
Posts: 464
Hi,Me Too, Stalemate Denial The blame game..my AW,is also pretty much in the same mode of thinking and being as yours...sorry to hear of your plight..all your plights..such an unfortunate situation for all...especially children..difference with us was i was also AH,
Stopped now,early in sobriety..but i get totally were your at..about leaving your children with a parent who lives in denial..and likely cant be trusted whilst actively drinking...i feel for your situation,and hope things can be resolved,somewhat,amicably..for the sake of all,..and without legal expenses...wishing you well.
Stopped now,early in sobriety..but i get totally were your at..about leaving your children with a parent who lives in denial..and likely cant be trusted whilst actively drinking...i feel for your situation,and hope things can be resolved,somewhat,amicably..for the sake of all,..and without legal expenses...wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi 50p-
you sound resolute and clear. pretty common to be blamed for the drinking. i found there was no having a reasonable conversation with an alcoholic in denial. it's a different world they live in and what is obvious to everyone else, escapes them. their memory doesn't seem to function correctly either.
i hope it resolves quickly...wouldn't be surprised to see a meltdown in the near future.
naive
you sound resolute and clear. pretty common to be blamed for the drinking. i found there was no having a reasonable conversation with an alcoholic in denial. it's a different world they live in and what is obvious to everyone else, escapes them. their memory doesn't seem to function correctly either.
i hope it resolves quickly...wouldn't be surprised to see a meltdown in the near future.
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
You can't reason with the functionally insane.
So what's the point in negotiating? Absolutely none. Tomorrow I'm going to instruct my lawyer to stop pussyfooting and just proceed with the contestation.
Thanks for those words of clarity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Liver tests are not definitive proof of alcoholism. Some hardcore alcoholics have decent results on liver enzyme tests and use this as evidence of their lack of a drinking problem.
Signed statements from all those folks who know she is an alcoholic, a well notated diary from you of her drunk behavior, and if you have it, a videotape of her drunk would be good supporting evidence!
Praying this all works out in the most peaceful, healthy, and safe ways for you and your children!! Stay strong!
peace-
b
Signed statements from all those folks who know she is an alcoholic, a well notated diary from you of her drunk behavior, and if you have it, a videotape of her drunk would be good supporting evidence!
Praying this all works out in the most peaceful, healthy, and safe ways for you and your children!! Stay strong!
peace-
b
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: uk
Posts: 464
sorry things cant be worked between yourselves...i had to laugh a little..no offence pls anybody..bernadette suggested videoing your a/w i can just see her chasing you around p....d off big time at being filmed around her home....tryin to get the camera off ya..my a/w used to record me on her phone. when i was drunk giving her verbal abuse..an play it back the next day..i was so shocked by this...so in fact maybe capturing these moments and letting herself see what a state she is in may help...best of luck...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Liver tests are not definitive proof of alcoholism. Some hardcore alcoholics have decent results on liver enzyme tests and use this as evidence of their lack of a drinking problem.
Also, I'm not sure why I'm going through the motions of this "lawyer's negotiation" ... experience has taught me that there's zero negotiating with my AW, on any issue about anything to do with booze.
She's not one of these alcoholic partners who gets tanked up and then feels remorse of any sort for her behaviour afterwards. And she doesn't say it directly but she blames me entirely for the state of our relationship. There's very little room for negotiation here, because there's very little tolerance for each other at the moment.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: uk
Posts: 464
fiftypence..there are in fact so many paralels to your story and my own here..the things id ask you..are could you cope with bringing up 2 kids on your own,and make a livin? would it not break your wife,to have her kids taken away, an drive her deeper into a downward self destructive lifestyle? or do you think it would have the opposite effect on her and bring about positive healthy change? the bottle of wine a night..yes mine does also an more..as i did too,until a matter of weeks ago..was in fact an active partner in crime..so im in no position to all of a sudden go holier than thou!, i get your predicament to a T.. like yours also my a/w is a brilliant loving mother and regardless ,would like to think i would never want to gain custody,and take her/our child from her..unless neglect and harm,should come into play...you said the marriage had died the death..and there was no love..like me if it was,nt for the kids you,d be gone..same here..me and my a/w we do have a companionship thing goin,i guess were we look out for each other a bit..but actually were in so much debt..its at present in our interests to try work somethin out..its not a long term plan..a bottle of wine a night.. i think half our towns parents drink that..mixed with depressants or prescrbed drugs..could dangerous im sure..maybe you should introduce your wife to sr..i wish i could offer a solution..but still longterm lookin for my own..good luck..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Kerbcrawler
fiftypence..there are in fact so many paralels to your story and my own here..the things id ask you..are could you cope with bringing up 2 kids on your own,and make a livin? would it not break your wife,to have her kids taken away, an drive her deeper into a downward self destructive lifestyle? or do you think it would have the opposite effect on her and bring about positive healthy change?
Originally Posted by Kerbcrawler
the bottle of wine a night..yes mine does also an more..as i did too,until a matter of weeks ago..was in fact an active partner in crime..so im in no position to all of a sudden go holier than thou!, i get your predicament to a T.. like yours also my a/w is a brilliant loving mother and regardless ,would like to think i would never want to gain custody,and take her/our child from her..unless neglect and harm,should come into play...
Originally Posted by Kerbcrawler
you said the marriage had died the death..and there was no love..like me if it was,nt for the kids you,d be gone..same here..me and my a/w we do have a companionship thing goin,i guess were we look out for each other a bit..but actually were in so much debt..its at present in our interests to try work somethin out..its not a long term plan..
Originally Posted by Kerbcrawler
a bottle of wine a night.. i think half our towns parents drink that..mixed with depressants or prescrbed drugs..could dangerous im sure..maybe you should introduce your wife to sr..i wish i could offer a solution..but still longterm lookin for my own..good luck..
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: uk
Posts: 464
yep i get the picture..do you think because your there cold stone sober,its easy to pass the responsibility to you..as coherant parent to take charge..hence enable her to drink? reason i ask,is mines away for a week,with young one..and she hasnt been drinking away? which makes me think,as they are such loving parents..the fact your there sober makes it ok? theres a lot of mights and might nots..i guess all said and done, you gotta do what feels right to do..no one else can tell you what you should do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
