Admiting I'm not fine
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Admiting I'm not fine
I usually post in F&F forum, trying to deal with the issues in my relationship with my AH.
My father was an A. My mum stayed with him until he died at the age of 53 due to alcohol related illness (11 years ago). Mum detched well ever since I can remember, got on with her life, or better to say buried herself to her work to escape it.
I've spent years of my life convinced it didn't affect me, I thought I forgave my AF, as the one he hurt the most was himself, he just couldn't do better with his life and it's his loss. I thought my mum handed it the best possible way. I dind't resent them. I was sure I 'm fine.
But now trying to figure out my life at the moment and how have I ended up here, doing some soul searching, and questioning the very thing I was so defensive about I came to conclusion what said above is not true.
The truth is I needed to act like I'm fine and not affected by it. I was thought to think this way. My mum is kind of person who pretends things she dosn't like are not there. I never though I'm the same, but now I'm questioning that too.
Now I'm ready to admit I was hurt by my childhood, I felt abondoned, I felt lonely, I didn't know what is exactly happening but I new something is wrong. But no one said it. They just went with their business, mum working and dad drinking. I guess I dind't have much choice but to take it as normal, even though I felt it's not.
Now I'm ready to say they failed me, they were the parents, they should have known better, I was only a child. It was thier job to protect me.
So I am saying it, but there is still this tiny voice inside of me saying maybe not, and even when saying it and believing it to be true I don't know how I feel about it. Shouldn't I be angry? But I'm not. I'm even sorry for my mum because she couldn't do better, I knew she was trying to do what she thought was best. And for dad, I kind of think he was just this lost soul.
I believe this to be rational thinking, but in the same time I don't think that emotionall or on subconcious level I'm really there.
It's like my inner child is hurting, and I don't know what to do about it. How to heal that dark place inside of myself where my inner child is lost?
I came to believe I need to address these issues if I'm ever to become healthy.
I know if I was as fine as I liked myself to think I'd never stay with my AH all this time, sometimes making even bigger mess of things than he did.
I finally understand I'm stuck in my childhood, in the ideas I had back than about what life should be, and now I'm unable to move forward.
I only came to these revelations yesterday with the help of my friends from F&F forum.
So this is were I am now. And I have no idea how to go about it. I know there are some questions I need to ask myself to start this process of healing and I don't know what those questions are.
My I'm fine, I'm fine, it was not big of a deal, I'm fine thing is so strong I keep hearing it while writing this, but I'm not giving in.
So I'm saying: I'm not fine, I was never fine, I was in denial. I have to heal, I want to dive into this process so I can be healthy person and good mum to my kids.
So, sorry this was long and I'd really appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, advices, anything you're willing to share.
My father was an A. My mum stayed with him until he died at the age of 53 due to alcohol related illness (11 years ago). Mum detched well ever since I can remember, got on with her life, or better to say buried herself to her work to escape it.
I've spent years of my life convinced it didn't affect me, I thought I forgave my AF, as the one he hurt the most was himself, he just couldn't do better with his life and it's his loss. I thought my mum handed it the best possible way. I dind't resent them. I was sure I 'm fine.
But now trying to figure out my life at the moment and how have I ended up here, doing some soul searching, and questioning the very thing I was so defensive about I came to conclusion what said above is not true.
The truth is I needed to act like I'm fine and not affected by it. I was thought to think this way. My mum is kind of person who pretends things she dosn't like are not there. I never though I'm the same, but now I'm questioning that too.
Now I'm ready to admit I was hurt by my childhood, I felt abondoned, I felt lonely, I didn't know what is exactly happening but I new something is wrong. But no one said it. They just went with their business, mum working and dad drinking. I guess I dind't have much choice but to take it as normal, even though I felt it's not.
Now I'm ready to say they failed me, they were the parents, they should have known better, I was only a child. It was thier job to protect me.
So I am saying it, but there is still this tiny voice inside of me saying maybe not, and even when saying it and believing it to be true I don't know how I feel about it. Shouldn't I be angry? But I'm not. I'm even sorry for my mum because she couldn't do better, I knew she was trying to do what she thought was best. And for dad, I kind of think he was just this lost soul.
I believe this to be rational thinking, but in the same time I don't think that emotionall or on subconcious level I'm really there.
It's like my inner child is hurting, and I don't know what to do about it. How to heal that dark place inside of myself where my inner child is lost?
I came to believe I need to address these issues if I'm ever to become healthy.
I know if I was as fine as I liked myself to think I'd never stay with my AH all this time, sometimes making even bigger mess of things than he did.
I finally understand I'm stuck in my childhood, in the ideas I had back than about what life should be, and now I'm unable to move forward.
I only came to these revelations yesterday with the help of my friends from F&F forum.
So this is were I am now. And I have no idea how to go about it. I know there are some questions I need to ask myself to start this process of healing and I don't know what those questions are.
My I'm fine, I'm fine, it was not big of a deal, I'm fine thing is so strong I keep hearing it while writing this, but I'm not giving in.
So I'm saying: I'm not fine, I was never fine, I was in denial. I have to heal, I want to dive into this process so I can be healthy person and good mum to my kids.
So, sorry this was long and I'd really appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, advices, anything you're willing to share.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
I wanted to say that when I grew up, we were always "fine" too.
I said it for years myself without seeing the disconnect. I don't know if it was magical thinking or not.
The old handed down cliche: "Don't air your dirty laundry!" We kept the family secret safe!
We weren't encouraged to talk about what was happening in reality.
I think this is why some children just lie or make up stories because its a form of escaping from truth.
I have been following your threads on the F&F forum, and I think that you're doing a wonderful job of becoming aware. I think that the healing that you desire will take time. Iwanttoheal's thread's would be really good for you to read. I shared some of what helped me on my journey and others shared too.
I too married an alcoholic/addict. I feel for the little girl inside of you and for you. I wish you well on your journey. You are not alone!!!
(((((hugs)))))
I said it for years myself without seeing the disconnect. I don't know if it was magical thinking or not.
The old handed down cliche: "Don't air your dirty laundry!" We kept the family secret safe!
We weren't encouraged to talk about what was happening in reality.
I think this is why some children just lie or make up stories because its a form of escaping from truth.
I have been following your threads on the F&F forum, and I think that you're doing a wonderful job of becoming aware. I think that the healing that you desire will take time. Iwanttoheal's thread's would be really good for you to read. I shared some of what helped me on my journey and others shared too.
I too married an alcoholic/addict. I feel for the little girl inside of you and for you. I wish you well on your journey. You are not alone!!!
(((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi Sesh
Welcome to the acao board - there is so much experience, wisdom and support on this little board that my life would be a lot less rich without it.
My father was an alcoholic, he died 23 years ago at age 51. My Mum, now 74, was his codependent enabler. She never worked but instead spent all her child-benefit money on her various hobbies. That was how she survived and managed to stay in the relationship. My divorced brother is now an alcoholic and has taken the place of my dead father in my mother's life.
I too was always fine, always the strong, capable family caretaker looking after everyone. I too was in denial - this wasn't a conscious, active denial but I had somehow completely disassociated myself from the reality that was my past and the reality that was the current family dynamics of my family of origin. It is a really disorientating sensation - how on earth did I manage to do this - I kept up the disassociation for 45 years!! (still blows my mind if the truth be known).
Last year, I had a major life-change event where my son was diagnosed with Autism. This sent shock-waves through the family that are still on-going. I came to realise that I was an abused child, I remained an abused adult and I had lots and lots and lots of acao issues. The bubble burst and I felt the pain.
Sorry, I'm not very good at this yet - I go far, far too ott when trying to share.
I guess what I'm saying is that I relate such a lot to what you have said especially the I'm fine, I'm fine bit. What I have learnt over the past year is that first come the thoughts (the rationalisations) then come the feelings. One year on, the lag between them is getting ever smaller. Very, very occasionally, I get a thought immediately followed by an explosion of violent feeling - quite a scary experience for the one who was always strong and always fine.
I'm sorry I don't know if there are any questions to ask to start the process of healing. I just keep reading and reading and posting and I find little things in lots of the posts that help. The posts that trigger an explosion of emotion in me are usually worth thinking about lol.
Glad you are here and I hope you keep posting, IWTHxxx
ETA: Just read Cymbal's post "Don't air your dirty laundry" - ooohhhh the number of times I had that one drummed into me by my Mum. So yeah, I didn't air the dirty laundry - for 45 years I kept quiet about the elephant in the living room.
I find it quite surreal when I read about children being removed from their homes by social services and men getting charged and spending the night in jail for beating up their wives and children because that should have been my reality but instead I was trained that it wasn't that bad and everything was fine - for 45 years I bought into this and the disconnect goes clang, clang, clang round my head.
"You are not alone" that is a another big one for me. I feel so alone and so lonely but that's because I was conditioned to keep the family secret as a child in order to show that everything was fine. The walls were built high and deep. There are lots of people on this forum who are trying to tell me that I am not alone and that they care but I can't quite hear them, I can't quite believe them but I'm working hard trying to connect with them.
I'll echo what Cymbal said and say that I feel for the young Sesh, she deserved so much more.
Welcome to the acao board - there is so much experience, wisdom and support on this little board that my life would be a lot less rich without it.
My father was an alcoholic, he died 23 years ago at age 51. My Mum, now 74, was his codependent enabler. She never worked but instead spent all her child-benefit money on her various hobbies. That was how she survived and managed to stay in the relationship. My divorced brother is now an alcoholic and has taken the place of my dead father in my mother's life.
I too was always fine, always the strong, capable family caretaker looking after everyone. I too was in denial - this wasn't a conscious, active denial but I had somehow completely disassociated myself from the reality that was my past and the reality that was the current family dynamics of my family of origin. It is a really disorientating sensation - how on earth did I manage to do this - I kept up the disassociation for 45 years!! (still blows my mind if the truth be known).
Last year, I had a major life-change event where my son was diagnosed with Autism. This sent shock-waves through the family that are still on-going. I came to realise that I was an abused child, I remained an abused adult and I had lots and lots and lots of acao issues. The bubble burst and I felt the pain.
Sorry, I'm not very good at this yet - I go far, far too ott when trying to share.
I guess what I'm saying is that I relate such a lot to what you have said especially the I'm fine, I'm fine bit. What I have learnt over the past year is that first come the thoughts (the rationalisations) then come the feelings. One year on, the lag between them is getting ever smaller. Very, very occasionally, I get a thought immediately followed by an explosion of violent feeling - quite a scary experience for the one who was always strong and always fine.
I'm sorry I don't know if there are any questions to ask to start the process of healing. I just keep reading and reading and posting and I find little things in lots of the posts that help. The posts that trigger an explosion of emotion in me are usually worth thinking about lol.
Glad you are here and I hope you keep posting, IWTHxxx
ETA: Just read Cymbal's post "Don't air your dirty laundry" - ooohhhh the number of times I had that one drummed into me by my Mum. So yeah, I didn't air the dirty laundry - for 45 years I kept quiet about the elephant in the living room.
I find it quite surreal when I read about children being removed from their homes by social services and men getting charged and spending the night in jail for beating up their wives and children because that should have been my reality but instead I was trained that it wasn't that bad and everything was fine - for 45 years I bought into this and the disconnect goes clang, clang, clang round my head.
"You are not alone" that is a another big one for me. I feel so alone and so lonely but that's because I was conditioned to keep the family secret as a child in order to show that everything was fine. The walls were built high and deep. There are lots of people on this forum who are trying to tell me that I am not alone and that they care but I can't quite hear them, I can't quite believe them but I'm working hard trying to connect with them.
I'll echo what Cymbal said and say that I feel for the young Sesh, she deserved so much more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Just chiming in to say, there's no one perfect way to deal with coming to terms with your parents. It sounds like you feel like you should be angry, when instead you just kind of feel sad and sorry. IME anger and sadness are two sides of the same emotional coin, and they're both driven by pain. Whether you're working on one or the other, you're still addressing your pain.
For some people going back to heal the dark places where your inner child is lost may involve a lot of re-visiting those points along your life's path where you wandered off or were abandoned. As you go back to shed light on these areas shrouded in hurt/abandonment/fear/etc, your inner child can find their way out. Just admitting that something really wasn't right in your "normal" family is a fantastic first step. Exploring the rest can happen in many other ways - here on the forum, at home in a journal, or outloud with a therapist.
You'll know you're at the end of the dark path when you wake up one day and ask yourself, "what am I still doing on this road?"
But until then, keep reading the stories on this forum and keep posting updates/revelations/anything that may shine a light somewhere for someone else. Welcome to SR!
For some people going back to heal the dark places where your inner child is lost may involve a lot of re-visiting those points along your life's path where you wandered off or were abandoned. As you go back to shed light on these areas shrouded in hurt/abandonment/fear/etc, your inner child can find their way out. Just admitting that something really wasn't right in your "normal" family is a fantastic first step. Exploring the rest can happen in many other ways - here on the forum, at home in a journal, or outloud with a therapist.
You'll know you're at the end of the dark path when you wake up one day and ask yourself, "what am I still doing on this road?"
But until then, keep reading the stories on this forum and keep posting updates/revelations/anything that may shine a light somewhere for someone else. Welcome to SR!
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