MustChoose

I stumbled upon this sight during a google search and have been in a trance for the past 3 hours reading thread after thread. Some I can relate to, some not so much, but it's comforting to know there are so many people out there in similar situations.

I'm at a bit of a crossroads in life - and as of about a week ago I was curled up in the fetal position crying (wish I would have found this site then!), but with a week's perspective, I feel like I can now at least form complete sentences.

I'm 26, and 13 years ago, I met my now husband in middle school. We started 'dating' - if that's what you want to call it, and have never gotten over each other since. We dated off and on through high school - always a roller coaster. We would break up and get back together multiple times. His parents went through a very messy divorce while we were in high school, and I was his rock. It always been apparent he has 'issues' - for a long time we just didn't know what it was. A lot was blamed on his upbringing, a lot was blamed on his parents messy divorce, we also discovered he has a very addictive personality. However, he's also a wonderful, kind, charming, funny, caring, and sensative person. Those were the qualities I fell in love with.

Many details later - I'll skip to the relevant part. Towards the end of our college years, alcohol became a very sore subject. We were both social drinkers but he took his to the extreme. He became obsessed with drinking, would lie about how much/often he drank, etc. After 1 car wreck, he was extremely lucky to somehow escape a DUI, but that only slowed him down for a few weeks. A few months later - the DUI happened. This was devastating. It was apparent he had a drinking problem, and he finally admitted it. Our families came together, and basically had a sort of intervention. We told him - you are free to continue this destructive path in your life, but we won't be a part of it. I told him the life/future I wanted, and if he wanted that too, I would support him in getting better. He immediately agreed he wanted help, and wanted a life with me. He started AA, and the next year was the most fabulous of our relationship. He was sober, being honest, working the steps, it was great. Our entire families gathered for his 1 year anniversay talk, and we couldn't be more proud. So proud in fact, I thought, well maybe he wasn't really an alcoholic but instead was just caught up in the 'college lifestyle' So -- when he got tired of going to meetings and started talking about how he felt like AA was a bit of a cult, no one really minded that when he stopped going. We all had this wonderful person back, and we were just thrilled he had cut alchool out of his life.

Prior to him quitting, we had gotten engaged, he joined my Faith, and then a few months later we got married.

Jump to last week - 1 month shy of our 1 yr wedding anniversary, and I discover through many details I wont' get into here - that he's been secretly drinking the ENTIRE time. He was only sober for about 9 months after his DUI, but drank not only after he quit AA, but also while still attending meetings. His 1 year anniversary talk was a joke. Now I feel as if I was tricked into a life I don't want.

We made it very clear when he got the DUI, if you want the life with me, the life we've always talked about and dreamed of, then sobriety is the foundation of that. Now to find out he's been so manipulative, calculating, dishonest, sneaky, etc - all while I thought we were living the perfect life, I am in shock.

So now - he of course has admitted his faults (only after he was caught of course), and has gone back to AA, claiming that he'll 'work the program properly this time.' He said he wasn't doing it for the right reasons the first go round, that's why it didn't work. He says the first time around he didn't really even think he was an alcoholic, he was just going through the motions at AA. Now he says he knows he has a problem and wants to fix it.

I feel like my life/foundation/everything has been ripped out from underneath me. To think that our engagement, when he asked for my parent's blessing, our marriage vows in front of God, making some major life/financial decisions - all of that over the past 2 years is tainted. He was living a fake sober life with me, all the while drinking in secret.

I know I now have a choice. I am Catholic, and don't believe in divorce, however this would qualify for an annulment since he was keeping secrets and lying before we were even married. So - I could leave him. NEVER thought I'd ever say that. Growing up, and up until last week, I ALWAYS believed that marriage is for life. I know I DO NOT want this type of future. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again. I do hope and pray that AA works this time, and that he is clean and sober for the next 75 years. However, even if he is, if I stick around I will have lived those 75 years always looking over my shoulder, wondering if he's lying, relapsing, etc. Afterall - if you can lie your way through AA and through a sober/reflective/prayerful life for 2 years, then you're capable of anything.

However - I also know he has a disease. The disease is controlling him. He loves me. I love him. He would never intentionally hurt me. I just think he somehow was living these 2 lives and honestly thought it was ok in his sick head. I know he has great will power and if he really wanted to he could get well with the help of AA. I'm afraid to lose my best friend of 13 years. I'm afraid that if I find the strength to leave him in hopes of finding a healthy partner and searching for the life I deserve and want, I'm afraid I'll never get over him (I tried many times in the past during our 'breaks'). I'm also afraid of missing out on a wonderful/happy life if he does indeed stay sober. Afterall, I know AA takes a few tries for some people.

UGH...I feel sick just talking/thinking/typing about it. I have a wonderfully supportive family. I've sought counsel from our priest, I've gone to my first counseling session with a regular counselor, I'm trying to take 1 day at a time. He is not staying at home, I told him I need time and space. But I know at the end of the day (in a month or two) i'm going to have to decide.

I am so mad he's put me in this position!!! HIS actions have done this to us. HIS actions have forced ME to be put in this horrible position to decide whether I'm going to "give up on him" (as his Dad would say), or stick it out and live with a life of uncertainty. Both lives sound miserable to me.

This post is incrediby long and I really don't mind if no one even reads it. I just feel better being able to put this out into the universe. I can tell there are many kind, wonderful, compassionate people here on this site, so if anything, just send a little prayer my way for some wisdom and guidance to make it through this.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

We're glad you found us. I know what that punched in the gut, curl into a ball, and sheer panic feels like. You are not alone. You will find lots of support and information for yourself here.

I will pass along the advise that was given to me when I was overwhelmed with a possible career move, pack up and move, time to walk or stay, just too many choices and I could not figure out which way to turn. I called someone from my Alanon group. I picked up that 100 lb phone and reached out to another person that understood what it felt like to live with an active alcoholic. My Alanon friend listened to me describe all the choices ahead of me and how I couldn't figure out what was the best choice. I was completely overwhelmed.

This is what she said: You don't have to solve all these problems by 3 p.m. today do you?
No, I didn't need to solve them all that day.
She advised me to let go of all the choices and situations and let my HP have them. Give myself time to breathe, and the answers would come.

She was right. I didn't have to decide right away. I needed to give it to my HP and wait for the answers to reveal themselves.

I am thankful for Alanon and the many ways it has helped me improve my life. Have you considered attending Alanon meetings for support?

Keep reaching out. Post your questions and read as much as needed. There are wonderfully wise words posted in our permanent posts (sticky's) at the top of this forum.

1234

MustChoose,

Welcome. You are so right about the kind, wonderful, and compassionate people here. I'm glad you found SR.

I'm so sorry you are in an awful situation. That's devastating news.

Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? I found some solace there, especially when I was in crisis-mode. You might want to try it.

And heavens, your post is NOT too long. You have a lot to tell. Come back and tell a lot more - we're here to learn with each other.

1234

ChildrenB4AW

Hello MustChoose - Welcome to SR. The betrayal is one of the hardest things to come to grisp with when you are dealing with an alcoholic. My wife drank secretly for three years, before she was exposed. Now three years later, one DUI with the children in the car, 3 stays in rehab, promses that she would never drive with the children after drinking - ok now I'm definitely serious and won't do it again; we are divorcing. I HIGHLY recommend Alanon. IT's a great place where everyone understands what you are going through. You are very fortunate. You could have children. Tell his father that you are not giving up on him, but that he has given up on himself. There's no need to choose right now - take your tijme; sort it through. Maybe he will be serious about his sobriety this time. Only time will tell. Give yourself a break - A's are master manipulators. They can fool us becuase we want to beleive them.

We'll keep you in our prayers.

isurvived

Your post was a trip down memory lane for me. (similar saga starting early in my marriage - my spouse was secretly drinking after a OWI, attending AA half-heartedly... and I didn't know it) and I felt torn as you are feeling. I opted to stick it out.

I went through many cycles of that same situation over the years, each time thinking this was the turning point where he'd quit for good. I believed him 100%. Disappointment time after time, year after year - and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

It's gut-wrenching. I hope that you can make a decision that is foremost good for you.

Mambo Queen

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there are worse situations you could be in. It sounds like you have a lot of support, a faith to sustain you, you're young, currently childless, and your husband is at least somewhat receptive to the idea of trying to seek true recovery for himself. So my advice to you would be to breathe, go to Al-Anon, and put the major decisions on the back burner. Your timeline only needs to feel right to you. I get the feeling you don't want to waste time if you're going to end up divorced anyway. I understand that emotion. But you are correct when you surmise that AA takes more than one try for a lot of people, so maybe you could just wait and see? I will say too that marriage to an alcoholic who is not in true recovery can get a lot worse than maybe you've even imagined, but having said that, I also do believe in the capacity to change. Wait and see. More will be revealed. And thanks for posting so honestly.

Jadmack25

MustChoose, it has been a terrible time of learning you have been manipulated into living HIS lies. Finding that the contract of marriage made between you was not made in good faith, truthfully and with honour by the man you trusted.

As has been suggested by others here, I endorse going to AlAnon, learning all you can about alcoholism from reading the stickies, other posts on this forum, AA literature and other places here online, just google alcohol etc.

Perhaps you could speak to your parish priest, and if there is a counseling group belonging to your Parish or Diocese, you may find further help for you, and in handling the sense of pain and betrayal.

Above all, pray for guidance, healing, consolation and the acceptance of those gifts in the Serenity Prayer.

I will offer my prayers and Mass tomorrow, for you and for all those in SR, who are in my heart, and on my increasing prayer list.

I suggest you take the time out you asked for, to learn all you can about this addiction and it's problems, and also leave your AH to do whatever he wishes for himself.

In a couple of months you will be better educated, calmer and stronger and able to decide what you do want, in your marriage.

I wish you God's greatest graces and gifts.

God bless

SoloMio

MustChoose: I relate to your post as well, especially that part about really wanting to retain the marriage to the kind, wonderful sober husband, but wanting to kick that nasty intruder out of the house! (My AH calls his drinking alter ego Al K. Hall).

Regarding the Catholic thing--correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that alcoholism is legitimate grounds for divorce in the Catholic Church--but remarriage is the part that's not accepted. You said you've had counsel from your priest--has he said that you can't divorce? When my mom got a divorce, that was OK, but it wasn't until she got remarried that she was excommunicated--but that was ages ago, so I don't know what's happened since.

The advice above is very wise, and that's also what people told me--don't feel you have to rewrite your whole future now. You have enough to do with just managing your feelings today. Go to Al-Anon for sure--it will be a lifeline. Also, ground yourself in what's right for you and don't be swayed by people less informed about alcoholism. Nobody knows what it's like to walk in your shoes.

And keep coming back here--it is very comforting to read these threads, and there's so much useful information here.

tjp613

Must -- I don't have any wisdom to share that's any greater than what you've already received. I just want to add my greeting to welcome you to SR and to say that I am so very sorry for the pain that you are going through.

Please let us know how you're doing today. We care.

XOXO
tjp

Jadmack25

As you said in your opening post, MustChoose:
((this would qualify for an annulment since he was keeping secrets and lying before we were even married.))

Marriage is entered in on the understanding that each person has all the necessary knowledge of their partner, to be able to make the decision to marry, based on that knowledge.

Should a person not disclose something that could cause the other to decide against marriage, then it is considered to not be a valid marriage by the laws of the church.

Believe me, after seeing what my daughter went thru for her annulment, divorce is comparatively simple. But of course pain is part of both avenues for release from a marriage.

As I said before, take time to think it out, this time with all the information, advice and support you can find, and when you are sure of what you want to do....then act. No-one can push you into acting hastily or against your wishes, and anyone who tries to hurry you is not helping.

God bless

ksumm77

I can feel the pain you are going through. I too, believe that marriage is for life and do not believe in divorce. 3 days before I was to get married, my significant other got a DUI and this finally jarred him awake. With it being 3 days prior to getting married, I was in panic mode and went to talk to a counselor. The counselor pointed out to me that in my talking I realized that he was an alcoholic since I had met him, but denied it to myself. Now, I had to choose whether I would stay with someone who could become sober, but could also face relapse in the future. It was something I had to choose if I wanted. No one could make that choice for me- unfortunately! I did choose to marry and he has been sober for almost one year now. I do still worry from time to time that he will relapse, but I know I cannot remain focused on him.

MustChoose

HI everyone, and thank you for all the kind and encouraging words. To answer a few questions - yes, I have been to a couple al-anon meetings, but not this time. The first go round when my husband started AA, I went to a couple meetings. I have to say I'm sure I didnt' give it enough of a chance, but at the time I didn't really feel much of a connection to it. I will definitely consider going again though.

Also, to answer Solomio - yes, due to the circumstances, divorce in this situation would be allowed, and an annulment would mean that the marriage was never valid in the first place (in the eyes of the church), so I would definitely be free to marry again in the future. I've actually taken counsel with two priests (one where I live now and the one back home with my parents), and both have spelled this out for me.

Today I have a lot on my mind. Over the past week or two since all this has come to light, even though my husband is not staying at home, I get the feeling he doesn't quite get what a huge deal this is. I'm pretty sure in his head he's thinking, well, I got caught, that sucks, but I'm going to go back to AA and get healthy, and then we'll live happily ever after. I don't think he has a clue that the ramifications of the situation are MUCH MUCH larger than that. As I mentioned in my original post, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over the betrayal. It's not just that he relapsed and started drinking. I knew there was a risk of that when I married him, and was prepared to deal with it. It's that he blatantly has been living a double life for 2 years!!!! Sneaking and lying his way, very skillfully I might add, through 2 years of major major life decisions is beyond my comprehension. I don't think he understands that love is not enough for a marriage to survive. We both love each other, that's been obvious for 13 years. But as we all know, love can't cure an addiction. I am a person of morals and integrity and honesty, and after 13 years of forgiving and forgetting, I feel like pehaps I don't have it left in me. If I forgive again, I feel like I might be compromising part of who I am, what I want, and a life I deserve. I deserver to live a life that is healthy, happy, honest, etc.

So - this afternoon I am meeting with my husband to discuss a few of these things. He sent me flowers at work yesterday, and I was just like, are you kidding me?? Do you really think flowers are appropriate right now? My ENTIRE life is in a million pieces, and you think flowers are going to make me feel better? Give me a break. I'm going to tell him I love him and I want him to be healthy, but the decisions he's made over the past two years have created a situation much larger than he realizes. I'm not making any decisions now, but I just need him to know what's going on in my head, so he realizes this ISN'T like every other time - where I've forgiven, supported, and we've moved on together.

Lots of rambles, but just trying to get my thoughts together before I see him this afternoon. Thanks so much for the prayers you all are sending my direction. I'm going to need all the strength, courage, and wisdom I can get.

And thank you for your responses, they mean more to me than you can imagine!

Summerpeach

Good luck with your husband. He probably doesn't realize the extent he's caused damage.

I do believe love does cure addictions, but self love. Anyone who loves themselves, would not destroy themselves.

zbear23

This will probably be way too long....but, well I have stuff to say!<G>
I am a recovered alcoholic who hasn't thought about a drink in well over a decade. But it took me several false tries, lots of sneaking and lying, lots of pain and ultimately, a divorce (after 18 years), before I was able to stay sober.

I originally stopped drinking and went to rehab to save my marriage, and I stayed sober for quite a while...or at least "abstinent." when I relapsed I kept the secret for several months, and frankly, the shame of the secret was far more destructive to both myself and my wife than the actual drinking. I betrayed her trust as well as my own values.

It took me another five years and five more rehabs, along with AA, to finally "get it." I had to become hopeless enough and desperate enough to want sobriety for myself, not for my wife or anyone else.

Alcoholism has been called a "family disease," and I heartily endorse going to al anon. My wife attempted to rescue me, and God knows I needed rescuing, but as an alcoholic I had no self love,, nor did I really know how to love anyone else. I didn't have relationships....I took hostages. I was a brilliant poseur and manipulator, ultimately coming to believe in my own lies. Bottom line....addictions are all a form of insanity by which we give up our power of self regulation to other people, places, things and substances. My wife was very codependent (adrenaline addiction) and had functioned as the "good mommy" to my "bad boy child" in our relationship. Recovery required me to grow up, but my wife refused to address her own issues (i.e. alanon) and so would not give up her mommy role. My choices became very limited and finally, in order to actually stay sober, I needed to end the marriage. I've been sober ever since.

Alcoholics anonymous is not a "no drinking" program. It is a "design for living" program, and the ONLY result offered in the 12 steps is a spiritual awakening. My sobriety, as I understand it, depends on my maintenance of my "spiritual fitness," meaning that I practice the principles of "recovery" in ALL my affairs....honesty being the very first and most critical of them. Just not drinnking does not constitute recovery.

I hope your husband has more willingness than I did, so he doesn't have to be beaten down as I did. But I believe that he will recover (or not) in his own time. Threats and promises never worked on me. It was the gift of desperation and the willingness (and humility) to give up my old ideas and let others "do my thinking" for me, that resulted in setting a solid foundation for my ongoing recovery.

And I'll add that my alcoholism was not my problem, but a very toxic solution to my fear, doubt, insecurity and most of all, my self loathing. AA did indeed love me until I learned to love myself, and now I sustain that by passing it on to others. The fellowship of AA provided support...but it was the 12 steps that changed me, and I needed to change. It is the Steps that constitute the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. They are IMO mandatory. Meetings are optional (although I highly recommend them, since it's hard to really understand the Steps on one's own....plus I really enjoy being among others who actually understand my often insane thinking).

RE alanon. Be patient. results don't come overnight. And be mindful that IT is also a 12 step program. I'd recommend finding a meeting that feels right, and attending regularly. One oft offered solution in alanon is a total separation until such time as he has been sober (truly) for at least six months. Hard as this may be, I think it is pretty sensible, especially with no children to consider. (thankfully, my wife and I had cats, not kids. I still miss the cats<G>)

blessings
zenbear

tjp613

awesome post, zenbear.

SoloMio

Thank you so much for your post, Zenbear! I needed to hear all of it.

DMC

I could have written your posts - heck, it sounded to me like I DID write your posts...except it took me a lot longer to come around. It took me years to get to where you are, and I just got out. (We've been married nearly 11 years, after dating 4) My STBXAH doesn't get it either, nor how big a deal it is.

I'm glad you're seeing this now - stick around, and we're here for you.

MustChoose

Thanks everyone. I have another session with my counseler tonight, and I looked up Al-Anon meetings in my area. Looks like there may be one on Thursday evening close by, so I think I may try it out.

My mind is still racing of course, and my feelings change about every hour one way or another. However, what I'm feeling lately is that I just can't fathom having a future with someone who is capable of living such horrible lies for 2 years. It's not the drinking/alcohol that bothers me as much. It's the blatant and outrageous lies. Unfathomable.

However, it also saddens me, because I know someone who is normal and healthy would not be capable of such things. So for someone I love and have loved for so long to be so sick with an awful disease, it hurts my heart for him. I know the part of him that loves me and was living a normal life with me wouldn't intentionally hurt me. But obviously, that's not the real him, the entire him.

Ughh - so many thoughts. At work now, just going to try and make it through one more day......