Jenny1232

Lately, I've begun to realize how much my parents drinking has affected me growing up. I've got serious issues in my adult life, that I know stems from my upbringing.

Yet, I remember close to nothing. I feel like, well, was it really that bad?

My parents drank a lot; my mom took tons of pills; they yelled and fought like crazy; my mom always "ran away"; they were hardly home, as they often left us with grandparents or babysitters so they could go out of town, or out to the bar.

I suppose I felt neglected, so I have a huge fear of abandonment. I've become somewhat of a spoiled brat. I ALWAYS want my way, and pitch a fit if I don't get it. In my relationship I'm bossy, controlling and short-tempered.

I hate this about myself.

The thing is.. I truly don't remember much of my life, and I'm 23. People constantly mention a time we did something, and I have absolutely NO recollection of it. It seems my life has been a dream, jumbled up and confusing.

Is this common?

Beantowngirl

I also have a really hard time remembering a lot of my earlier childhood, basically anything before my mom and I moved in with my grandmother when I was 11. I do know that there was a lot of chaos and instability in my life, I remember the general feeling of that but it's hard to bring to mind the actual memories that illustrate why that was the case. The clear memories that I do have from childhood are from when I was with my grandmother or my godparents, those were the stabilizing forces in my life at the time and they were the people who actually allowed me to be a child.

Just last night I was talking in therapy about how I never saw my mom drink or be drunk and how for a long time that made it hard to wrap my head around her actually being an alcoholic. But that I have since admitted that I was minimizing things and that the chaos that I felt was the only 'proof' I needed. I actually now think that maybe I did see her drink or be drunk but that I blocked it out because that was what I needed to do to get through it as a child.

I had a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment in therapy last night when I realized that even though my mom went to AA when I was a kid, she really never did work the program and that even after all these years being 'sober' she is really just a dry drunk. She has never once over the years acknowledged the affect her behavior or drinking had on me, never admitted that she was not the mother she should have been. If she had ever worked step 9 (and if she was working the program she would have worked it at least a few times over the past almost 25ish years that she has been 'sober'), then she would have certainly tried to make amends with me at some point, if not over and over again. The fact that she didn't shows me that she did not work that program, and it explains a lot about why she is the way she is today. And certainly reinforces my decision to not allow her in my life.

I also realized that this has a lot to do with the appeal of my XABF, he has made amends to me a number of times over the years. Every time he has screwed things up between us he will eventually contact me again and apologize and acknowledge the affect his addiction has had on me and our relationship, and is willing to make the amends necessary to fix the relationship. Of course, despite him making these amends things eventually fall apart again. My point is, I'm very prone to falling back into that unhealthy situation with him because it feels like a different ending the same script that I was in with my mother. I'm getting the apologies and acknowledgement from him that I craved as a child (and adult) from my mother. That is a very powerful thing that kept me hooked into the relationship for a long time.

I'm trying now to understand that I can't fix the past by replaying it in various ways in my adult life. In the present day I'm doing the work to let go of the past so that I can write new stories in the future.

Jenny1232

What exactly is a dry drunk? I keep seeing it used.

Well, it's good to know its not that unusual. I too have a lot of fond, stable memories with my aunt, or grandparents. It was the only "real" family life I felt. I adore my parents, so it's not to say we don't have a great relationship now.

Is therapy helping with this? I tried to talk about it with one therapist.. but we never got anywhere, she was more concerned wth my drinking (which wasn't the issue).

Ceres

A dry drunk is basically an Alcoholic who simply stopped drinking but didn't go through an actual recovery program. So, they're pretty much still miserable because they never cleaned house.

Beantowngirl

Therapy has helped me immensely. I have been going about four years now and I get more and more out of it as time goes on. I will say that for the first 6-9 months I was really unsure as to whether it was helping. I stuck with it because I was in a state of turmoil and didn't know what else to do. I think it just takes awhile to build up a trusting relationship with your therapist so of course you won't reap the benefits at first.

Jenny1232

Thanks for the clarification on a dry drunk. That makes sense. Since overcoming my own addiction, I never really did much work, which is why I'm still screwy.

I have been in therapy for years and years. I went to one for three years, and she helped me get into an inpatient facility, so she did help. She just had to "let me go" when I refused AA, which kind of peturbed me.

Anywho, I do want therapy again. I know how much it helps. I just want someone GOOD, who can help me through my troubles as an adult, stemming from my upbringing. Why's that so tough?

Thanks

1234

Jenny,

I have often marveled at my lack of memories, too. I'm just starting therapy, and so I know the childhood questions will be coming. There are almost no memories there! Just bad feelings. It's so weird. Glad to know I'm not alone.

1234

Ceres

Hey Jenny,

Step 4 in AA gets into that (or at least it should) as far as going through anger, hurt, resentments and the like. It's something to consider. For some reason I never got anything out of therapy. It just seemed like I was vomiting all my crap on the therapist and pretty much getting nowhere. But that's just my experience. I don't dwell anymore on any of that stuff. I will say that I think the older you get, the further it gets away. It all seems like a story to me now. Started feeling that way at 30 or so.

Beantowngirl

Hi Jenny, I just wanted to say that these two statements jumped out at me. Perhaps I'm wrong but it seems like you are saying you have addiction issues of your own but you have not worked a recovery program of some kind. I'm not pointing this observation out to judge you in any way, simply to explain a possible reason why a therapist won't work with you to explore your childhood issues at this point. Sorting through the wreckage of your childhood is a long and hard process that can bring even the most even-keeled person to their knees at times. If a therapist suspects you are 'white-knuckling' your sobriety in any way they can not and will not start you on that process.

cymbal

Interesting question!

I don't have many memories prior to the age of six/seven.

My youngest son doesn't have many memories either.

My "theory" is that our wiring took time to develop.

I have several bad memories that stand out though. One

at four where I still a have scar, but my youngest son doesn't

remember his. I think we're all unique.

I think repressing some memory is a survival skill that serves

to lessen pain, but maybe it can be overused. I don't know.

guiab

I understand the missing memories. Both of my parents were A's and I do not remember a lot about growing up.
There is a quote in 'Survival and Recovery' (an alanon book for children of A's) that says (roughly) 'I have no idea what it is like to grow up in an alcoholic home - I don't remember any of it'. For me both good and bad memories are very repressed or absent. I think, for a child, it is just easier to not remember.
There are also the daily lessons in denial and re-writing history provided by alcoholic parent. My father never admitted that he had a drinking problem (despite the many DUI's, numerous wrecked cars, falling asleep on the front lawn, ect).
I don't see the forgetting as a flaw but just a learned habit that got me through an awful time and needs to be unlearned.
For unlearning I need a program and I have found alanon to be better than therapy. Or I should say that now I am choosing to work on my self and am using alanon. And it does take work.
And back to work I go! Take care.

Jenny1232

Hi Beantown,

I do have addiction issues. I went to a facility for a month for bulimia. It involved intensive therapy every day, for a good portion. It was CBT, and it deal with a LOT of core beliefs, and issues. It helped tremendously. I continue therapy afterwards, to get to the root of childhood issues, and my therapist thought I needed to go to AA cause I drank on the weekends. I declined, so she declined me. I do have addictions, I admit that. However, I'm not very active in them. I despise alcohol, pills, etc. I'm just co-dependent, and I want to recover from that. My new addiction is self-improvement and recovery, to be honest. I limit toxic people. I try to do healthy things. My addiction is love, though...

Also, is it even possible to bring repressed memories to the surface? How?

Beantowngirl

I'm sure it is, but I'm not convinced that it's always helpful. Those memories are forgotten for a reason and I don't think you always have to remember everything to be able to deal with the core issues.

As time has gone by I haven't remembered any more specific memories but what has happened is that I have become okay with that. I have grown to acknowledge the truth of the situation, despite the lack of those specific memories to 'back it up'. I have stopped second guessing whether the situation was as bad as I think it was, just because I don't have access to certain memories.

Jenny1232

I guess what bothers me more so, is that I don't really even remember good times. Everyone is always talking about things that happened during there childhood.. and I think about mine, and I draw blanks...

sesh

I also don't remember that much, or better to say there was not a lot to remember. I remember quite a bit of nice times with my NA mum and granny, but my A dad isn't in those memories. my memories of him are him being asleep in armchair or not home at all. There wasn't anything very bad happening, there was no drama or arguing (except for me fighting with him during my puberty). I think what bugs me the most about my childhood is that I don't remember any of my mum's feelings about the whole situation. She hid her hurt from us kids, as not to hurt us by it.
So I have this big issue like nothing really bad was happening and yet I felt so unhappy in my childhood. I guess it comes from my reality not being validated while I was a child, so I'm stuck somewhere inbetween what my idea of real family was and the acctual experience of the family I had, and I guess it's turning out none of it, neither the idea or the acctual experience is healthy. I mean the idea is healthy but not realistic in my present life with my AH, and yet I'm stuck in it.
So in my present life I'm torn between the idea this is not what family should be, family is mum and dad sharing thier responibilities, being there for each other and thier kids, and my reality with my AH who is also never home, never does anything with us, basically same thing my AF did and I'm in this crazy state where I keep flipping between I can't stand this, this no way to live and this is not that bad, nothing really bad is happening.
As not having experienced "normal" life without an active A, and my reality not beeing validated while child, it is nearly impossible for me to take a step back and have the clear, standing idea of what is acceptable and what is not.
I feel for me to resolve this problem I do need to concentrate more on my feelings when I was the child, and I find that very difficult as I don't even know what I've felt. There is this disconnection between what I know it must be right as an adult, and my inner child that is refusing the adult me to be in control of my life.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense to any of you. I don't really know if this is what you are talking about here, but I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes there is just nothing worth remembering, and that lack of things that were intense enough to be remembered is the place where the problems start.

KayM

Jenny,

I'm in the same boat with you -- lots of missing pieces in my life. Some of it definitely due to black-out drinking through my 20's, but many are missing before that. I have a slightly older sister who is also missing memories -- she didn't drink, but had a chronic illness that she had to take strong meds for, so I don't know if we don't remember things because we're trying not to, or because of the chemicals in our brains.

I disagree a little with the "dry drunk" comments in these threads. I haven't drunk for 20 years. I never "finished" AA - because it didn't fit with me, at the time that I was drinking -- but I did STOP drinking. I also think that I stopped my "addictive behaviors," such as using people, caring about nothing but myself, etc. when I sobered up, and I think it's the continuation of those behaviors that makes you a "dry drunk." HOWEVER -- I also know, now, that I suffer from "arrested development" -- I stopped maturing at about the same time that I started using -- and it's that lack of maturity that is causing me problems now. I never grew up, and I'm not really sure how to. If I don't do it soon, I'll die before I grow up! Good luck to you. I'll have to search your posts to see if you can help give me any insight!

chicory

(((Jenny))),
I could have written this myself, about my childhood. So I understand. And I feel it is very common.
I, too, am very bossy and controlling in relationships, and worked hard to understand why. When I never got my way, and never had attention, and was abandoned a lot, etc, etc, etc, -Why would I appear "Spoiled:"? My answer to me was- I was so needy inside- so full of the pain of loss- that at the threat of another loss, I would "lose it"- try to control the situation, anything to avoid another painful loss. That is what I have come to understand about myself.

How could a child who was ignored, emotionally abused, abandoned, and full of fear actually be "spoiled"? Not spoiled in a good way, that is for sure.

Hang in there hon. We have lots to learn together here, and you are not alone, that is for sure!
Sometimes I feel that I dont remember a lot,because I was always in my own mind, no one else tried to communicate much with me, only little sisters for companionship. So, guess I just "hid away" from the mess that was my parents lives. was'nt much to remember with no mental stimulation of going anywhere, or having any kind of social life. only stayed home, went to school, and stayed at grandmas when AF lost his job-again. I remember school, grandmas, but not home life, except for the fighting parents, and tv shows. at least there was no physical abuse, and I am very thankful for that, bellieve me!
What do you remember about your childhood?, If i may ask.

mbucek

Jenny, my father is a dry drunk. He was an alcoholic for 40 years and quit when I was in high school. He never went to meetings and he refuses to get therapy. All of the chaos and emotions are still present, and even there 15 years after he put down the drink, he still has the same anger issues. I'm an only child and often feel like I have no one to communicate with about them. Luckily, I have a devoted husband and forums such as these.

In my situation, I found that seeing a therapist has been helpful. However, I stopped going when things were going well. Now I'm back at square one! So I am back to scheduling therapy and seeking out meetings!

kudzujean

I suspect that a lot of things that occurred are too painful to remember.

I don't have a lot of memories of my early childhood, when my father was an active, late-stage alcoholic. The memories I do have are unpleasant, or lonely and sad at best.

Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and therapy helped me greatly, and Al Anon does now. I strongly recommend Al Anon to anyone who's been affected by alcoholism.

GingerM

I have far too many memories from my childhood. I'm not sure which is worse, frankly.

As for therapists - a *good* therapist is a godsend. Here are a couple of ways to find good ones:

1. Contact the licensing board of therapists for your state and ask for a referral to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (in my experience, these folks help the most with what you're describing - that you have these behaviors that you HATE in yourself, but can't seem to stop them). See that therapist at least 5 times. See if you "click". If not, ask for a referral to another CBT therapist.

2. Contact your local county department of family services. Tell them you're looking for a therapist who works with "families in distress". Get as many names as you can and start calling asking if they take patients NOT in the county system. Many of them supplement their (meager) earnings by seeing patients on the side.

I have had very good luck with both the types of therapists in #1 and #2. Currently I'm seeing a therapist from the second category. Since they deal with families in crisis, they know all about the chaotic, abusive, confusing things that go on in such families. I saw a CBT therapist for about 4 years, until he relocated. He was also very good.

For some people, this works really well. For others, a group situation like AlAnon works well for them - in some cases, the group members bring things up (like this forum) that other people can relate to and they can each comment/offer what worked for them. I don't do as well in a group setting as I do one-on-one. So for me, therapy was the way to go. Your mileage may vary.