RollerDerbyGirl

Today is supposed to be the day, the first day of the rest of my life basically. I am planning to break off the engagement. I have listed out all of the red flags, which are basically the cons right? I have counseled with my aunt, whose husband killed himself due to alcoholism years ago and left my 4 yr old cousin behind. I have spent hours and hours going over everything with my best friend. I have not told my family or his yet. I think today is going to be the day I break it off. I’m struggling because he has been super sweet to me this week and doesn’t seem to have been drinking. I know this is deceiving, but it still messes with me. He is soooo excited about coming here and two weeks and thinks I am coming back with him, two states away, to stay. His drinking has been much more controlled, mostly on weekends, but I know it’s still a problem, and always will be. It’s progressive and chronic right? I don’t trust him. He has lied to me so many times. I am just so terribly sad about breaking his heart, even though I know I pretty much have to, at this point, to break the cycle. His drinking will always be the primary issue in our lives, and living in the same house together and getting married aren’t going to make it better. I am terrified of his reaction and hearing the pain in his voice at the news. I worry he will never get over me breaking off our engagement (even though we are legally married, as I divulged earlier). Heck, I worry if I will ever get over it, if I will always wonder about what could’ve been. He does not have close friends in his life like I do, to rally around him. And he has waged all of his happiness and fulfillment around seeing me in two weeks and being together on a permanent basis, after years of separation. Why did I choose to do this now??? Why did I let him get on this big high of coming here, only to disappoint him in the biggest way possible?? This would be so much easier to do if I were really, really mad at him! I totally see why it takes a lot of us hitting our own rock bottom before getting the courage to leave. But that is also what I’m trying to avoid. I know we will have some great times if I go up there to be with him, and he comes here to see my family and go to the beach. And if that happens, I definitely don’t see myself getting up the courage to write him a break up letter and then endure the most painful phone call of my life.

After I told my aunt about all of the recent red flags, she was very honest with me. She said, well, you just have to realize that if you sign up for this, there will be months of good times, peppered with periods of bad behavior and dark times. I know this is true, deep down, even if he seems really good and happy today. Of course, because I’m such a codie, I also can’t help but worry that this will push him over the edge into a much more active drinking phase. How will either of us ever recover from all these dashed hopes of a life together and move past the emotional scarring? I guess that’s it for now. I have written my heart out here on multiple posts now and I suppose there isn’t much left to say. It’s good for me to write all this down. Any words of encouragement or insight are greatly appreciated, because I am really hanging by a thread right now and wondering if I can really pull this off. He’s going to be devastated. We both are. What if I tell him and then regret it later? I am going to miss him so much. I guess I need to focus on how he’s hurt me and lied to me, instead of focus on how much he loves me and how sweet he is to me. That is really messing me up. Should I wait and do this until after I have met with a therapist next Wednesday? Or move forward before I change my mind?

naive

hi-

i would bite the bullet and make the call. it's stressful not to if you have made your decision.

and also, you don't know what the outcome will be. anything could happen. perhaps it will be his bottom and he'll reach out and get help? perhaps he won't and will drink harder to not deal with it.

whatever he does, do what is right for you. he's choosing to drink.

naive

coffeedrinker

if you stall the inevitable, how would that help? i'm not saying that with an agenda, just something for you to question.

i, too, went against my better judgement, stuck inside the fear of hurting him so badly he would not recover. my man shared with me how devastating a break-up was for him many years ago. he has shared that he's closed off a part of his heart because he just can't take the pain, can't take the risk of it again. when several years ago someone he was with slept with a mutual "friend" he was so despondent he od'd. woke up in the hospital. these things weigh on us heavily.

but you do know the truth. and the truth is that your precious life is what is at stake. you can't take care of someone else, and yourself at the same time. so, you must choose.

i think you know that we all are supporting you.

Bernadette

The anticipation is always worse than the reality! I often build my anxiety into a frenzy over difficult conversations like this, and yes it can be a shock and very very uncomfortable, but all of that is survivable!

Berating yourself with "why did I wait so long, Why didn't I blah blah blah..." is something you should discuss with a therapist maybe. Could lead to some interesting insights into your own personality.

But for today, for this decision and this conversation: it is what it is. You don't have to have the "perfect" reason worked out for why you are doing this. You only have to know that for YOU it is the correct decision at this time. It's enough to say you honestly cannot go forward with this wedding, you're sorry for the disruption, and you're very sure about your decision. Trust your gut.

peace-
b

RollerDerbyGirl

Denial. Justification. Rationalization. Self-blame.

This is the only thing keeping me going today. Why is it you can only think of the happy times when you are thinking of leaving them? What do I say to him when he says that he will stop drinking, and start recovery? I feel like that is a definite thing he will say. He is already set to start his 11 counseling sessions on Tuesday and he seems all excited about it.

Serenebynow

Try this maybe? I need to focus on me while you focus on you. I know it hurts, but I'm willing to walk through this pain, so that I may recover. I wish you all the best on your path to recovery.

RollerDerbyGirl

Your kind and practical words are a lifesaver to me today. I am now growing concerned about his stability after being blindsided and am worrying that he might hurt himself. I don't know if he is capable of this, but I do know that I am everything he holds near and dear in his life and that he will feel empty and lost and not know what hit him. I don't like to blindside people, because sometimes the shock is worse than anything. Should I let it all out over a period of days instead, so it's less shocking?? Or ask him to give me some time before making a decision? My only concern is that he will use this time to convince me otherwise. I just wonder if I should call and say, "Look...I don't think I can go forward with our relationship right now. It is an unhealthy one and I need to go on my own path of recovery, and I think you need to do the same." I'm just thinking that if I write him a Dear John letter and then refuse to talk to him longer than five minutes, then that is when he'll feel shut out, and lose it, and potentially hurt himself.

RollerDerbyGirl

Thanks for that anvil. Well, like most A's...he can be sweet and tender, which he does a lot of lately b/c he knows me moving there is just around the corner and b/c he has had nineteen lives with me already. He has been pouring it on extra thick this week, doing all the right things, with some sort of sixth sense that I'm contemplating a drastic move. I don't really feel like I breathe his oxygen, but that he does mine. I just started getting freaked out knowing that he does have a hand gun at his house that a friend is having him hold onto, because the friend lives on the army post.

Your signature quote is so apt for me this week.

wanting

Sorry to go off-topic, but are you really a Roller Derby girl? I just saw Whip It and I'm kind of obsessed.

Mambo Queen

All due respect to your aunt, who sounds like she's been through the wringer herself and knows of what she speaks, but I would have to say that it really is more like months of bad behavior and dark times, peppered with periods of good times. Just so you know. That's what you'll be "missing out on" if you end it with him. With the progressive disease of alcoholism, it doesn't take long for the bad times to greatly outweigh the good ones.

Tiredofdrugs

Think back on how many tears you've shed during yawl's relationship due to his drinking and/or what his drinking has done to cause you pain, loss of money, loss of sleep, etc. It sounds like he's on an emotional merry-go-round and he's using you for his anchor. PEOPLE aren't put in someone's life to be used as an anchor!!! If you've pi**sed him off in the past? Guess what? I bet he used that as a reason to drink. If you didn't do something he wanted you to? I be he used that as a reason to drink. Do you get the picture? Alcoholics/Addicts use all sorts of reasons to use their DOC. Lord knows I found all sorts of reasons to take an extra pain pill when possible.

Sure! You both are going to be hurt by your decision. But this just might be the reason he gets help for his drinking. Both my sisters are dealing with men whom drink. They are both very miserable. You don't want this kind of life.

I do suggest you call him before he gets to your house. Do this breakup over the phone. Not in person. You wouldn't want him to leave, get drunk, then come back to your house. Stand firm on the phone, each time he calls, with the fact you are breaking it off is due to his drinking. He is what we call; "A dry drunk right now". He's still got the mannerisms of a drinker, it's just w/o the alcohol. One reason and he'll run to the bottle for comfort.

You don't want to get married, have a child and then constantly deal with a drunk around the house. Crawling in bed with a man every night reeking of alcohol isn't very pleasant either.

Stick to your guns and your reason for doing this. Just keep telling him it's his drinking you don't want to live with. He'll finally get the message.

Best wishes and good luck. As I've been told many times being in the Army for 22 years. Don't sweat the small sh*t!!! This will pass.

RollerDerbyGirl

Well, I didn't see that one coming. I write this loooong articulate email. My roommate reads it. My aunt reads it. Everyone gives me the go ahead, saying - there is nothing more you can say. Anything more you say is just another argument. I cry. I cry. I talk about it. I finally gather the courage to press send. I send him text saying he needs to check his email. My roommate holds my hand through the whole thing, THANK GOD. He calls me. How do I even describe our conversation? He was super sympathetic. Calm. Asks if need some time to call him back...as I'm bawling. He says he's been expecting this all week. Then at some point he says, "well, this isn't it right?" ????????? He's being extremely nice and calm. And it's FREAKING ME THE HELL OUT. I ended up, after a somewhat futile conversation, saying that I needed space and that I'll talk to him later. All he said was, I'll be waiting. If he had been expecting the email all week, how did he have so little to say? At one point he said, "this is just the beginning." And he called the long distance card, as I expected. WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE SO FREAKING NICE? Gawd...is that all it takes with me?? It's like he's admitting juuuust enough to not claim innocence. And just enough not to doom himself. Like, "yeah baby. I have spent a ton of money on booze, and maybe even some coke." I don't get it. I'll never have these addicts figured out. I'm going to re-hash with the roomie and just ponder MY feelings for a while.

alanonicnov2008

Maybe he's in recovery? This sounds like a very recoveryish response to your news.

Even if he is in recovery, and you are too, you would still need to focus on yourself, and still need to get distance from him. But basically I think what he's saying is he might understand that his illness takes priority and that decisions are back-burnered.

I think focusing on yourself and not worrying about his response is the best thing you can do. I have recently left a relationship with a recovering alcoholic that I had to leave because of his abusive behavior. He often calls me and sounds nice and apologetic and wants to get back together. It's a nice idea, but it doesn't change what is right for me. Abusive, addict behavior causes us to lose sight of ourselves, and that's the recovery we need to go through, reclaiming our own right to happiness.

Focusing on yourself is a big challenge, but he sounds fine, so that gives you every excuse to do so!

Mambo Queen

To me, it doesn't necessarily sound like the response of someone in recovery (since you have no other reason to believe he is--like he hasn't been talking to you about his counselor and AA meetings), more like the response of someone who is very scared to lose you and is trying to do just enough that you will question your decision. The nice thing about your current situation, though, is it will be easier for you to step back, try to detach as much as you can, work on you, and let his actions make your own road clearer. Since you're already legally married to him, why not just stick to the whole "living in separate states" arrangement you've already got, pull the plug on the "public" marriage, and wait and see what his actions tell you? You could even tell him if you're still somewhat ambivalent that that's exactly what you're doing, and why. Then, if he steps up, great....have that showy wedding when his actions make it clear to you that you want to commit yourself to him in front of friends and family. If not, well, you're no worse off than you are right at the moment, and can take more definitive action to end the marriage "on paper" that you have right now. This way too, you don't lose your job, your friends, your safety net where you are.

freefalling

True true true. I am divorcing after my husband that depended on me like this for 22 years -and hated me for it by the way. Extract yourself sooner than what I did. It gets worse if there is no serious recovery for the both of you.

SoloMio

In terms of fear about how he'll react, I love what Deepak Chopra says, that when we act on a decision we should "detach ourselves from the results." I use that a lot when I'm worried about consequences. I lot of times I'm paralyzed by that worry, but when I tell myself to detach myself from the results, it helps.

My DS dated a very emotionally fragile girl for a few years. She was an anorexic and was constantly in and out of her eating disorder. My DS really was ready to move on, but he (frankly all of us) were terrified by the fear that her eating disorder would kick in full blast.. so DS never did break it off.

But.. SHE did! She dumped HIM! He was stunned, but it was a good lesson for us all.

ps... She went to law school, passed the bar, and we just got an invitation to her wedding in August; my DS moved to Vermont and is in a relationship with a single mother... so life DOES go on just the way it should.

RollerDerbyGirl

Yesterday was such a lovely vacation. I took my mind on a break and just shared some good laughs with some great friends after one of the hardest weeks of my life. Now it's back to reality and trying to face my own recovery. AF is singing a bit of a different tune than he was Friday evening after I sent the email. I think now he's truly starting to panic. It is really hard to watch. I hadn't spoken to him on the phone (plenty of texts though) until this morning. He got drunk yesterday, said he needed the "release." Skipping over all of the other details, I finally take his call....and he's pretty drunk I think. At 11 am on a Sunday morning. Makes me so freakin' sad. Don't get me wrong. It does make my decision making easier, but it makes me terribly sad for him too. He claims he went to a meeting yesterday, but I'm not buying that.

I got an email yesterday morning. He wrote me this long email about how we cannot split up over email and how he really wants me to come to Kansas and pursue counseling with him, work on our relationship, and that if it doesn't work after that, we can part like adults. ??!! I mean, it all sounded good, sort of. But I know that is all just words, and that his actions are what I need to be reading. His actions are spelling things out very quickly. Then he tells me that his roommate (who's married) has been sleeping around on his wife. I think, well, the types of characters you surround yourself with really say a lot about a person. I think about his friends he's made in the army. Out of allll those people on post, and he can barely count a friend or two, and I've been very unimpressed with all of them. That says a lot right? If my friends say a lot about me, then I am very blessed. They are emotionally healthy people, and we all look out for each other.

So now the problem is he is saying he's coming to Texas, whether I pick him up at the airport or not. We bought him a ticket, one way, for him to come here in two weeks. We were also supposed to go down and see my family right after he flies here. I cannot have him coming here. He will be an emotional wreck. I can see that after talking to him today. And I don't want to experience all of the confusion and hurt that will come with seeing him. Do I just call and cancel the ticket and hope he doesn't just purchase another one? The thing that SUCKS is that he has off two weeks. He does not DO WELL with down time and since it won't be spent with me, I am already pre-worrying about him. Yes, I know. This is very codependent behavior. I just don't know how I will keep him from coming here. I haven't told him Mom the news either. I don't know if she could talk him out of coming here or what. I need to do some thinking on this and start drawing out my boundaries.

His level of denial is worse than I thought, already. He wouldn't even admit that he was drinking this morning. It was so painfully obvious.

RollerDerbyGirl

Wow...now he's texting me saying he's leaving in an hour, TO DRIVE HERE. He has work tomorrow and it's a 12 hour drive!! Plus he's still saying he hasn't been drinking. I told him that I would be in a hotel room and that he can't just hijack my life. Is this so typical that he's gone from giving me the space I requested yesterday to this?!! Like I said, I guess now he is really starting to panic thinking I might actually have meant what I said in that email. He keeps saying that if we were together in person, we wouldn't really be having these problems. We all know that's not the case right?

Tiredofdrugs

RollerDerbyGirl:

Since I spent 22 yrs in the Army? This is something you can do. You can call the Post Chaplan and talk to him about your ABF. Or. Call his Company Commander. Or. Call his Company and find out who his Unit's First Sergeant is and contact him. Being a former Sergeant myself in the Army? I'd hate to know I was having to depend on my fellow soldier to protect my back that has a drinking problem. He can get help on base with his problem. He's been trained to use an M-16 Rifle. Don't take a chance on him coming to see you in person. Someone messed up in the head on alcohol isn't thinking straight. Protect yourself and your loved ones around you.

Good Luck

naive

hi rollerderbygirl-

it's your life. if you don't want to see him, then you don't have to. you could always go and stay somewhere else and abandon your home for a week.

it is not ok that he is forcing himself on you, against your wishes.

life is not some romantic comedy movie where the guy drives back to the girl and the ending is happy off in the sunset. he's an addict. recovery is hard work.

naive