Well, he called from the hospital...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
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Well, he called from the hospital...
...and broke down crying telling me he "f*cked up and that he needs help. That he can't stop." Telling me he needs me more than ever now and the most support he can get.
I talked to him for less than 5 minutes and didn't really say much to him other than that he freaked me out the other night. He even called his friend Dan, the one i had originally called and told he was using, and he let him know what was going on.
I'm proud of him, but now it's up to him to keep up w/ the program and get himself out of the hole he's in.
He needs to delete the numbers of anyone that has any influence on his use, from his phone and change his number as soon as he gets out of the hospital and refrain from calling them or having any sort of contact w/ them. That would be a decent first step in my opinion.
I talked to him for less than 5 minutes and didn't really say much to him other than that he freaked me out the other night. He even called his friend Dan, the one i had originally called and told he was using, and he let him know what was going on.
I'm proud of him, but now it's up to him to keep up w/ the program and get himself out of the hole he's in.
He needs to delete the numbers of anyone that has any influence on his use, from his phone and change his number as soon as he gets out of the hospital and refrain from calling them or having any sort of contact w/ them. That would be a decent first step in my opinion.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
Teenie-
Sorry, that isn't the first step. (Jmho) Takes alot more than that.
But more importantly- let the professionals and the people who know how to. The addicts who are in recovery.
You can't fix him.
He needs to delete the numbers of anyone that has any influence on his use, from his phone and change his number as soon as he gets out of the hospital and refrain from calling them or having any sort of contact w/ them. That would be a decent first step in my opinion.
But more importantly- let the professionals and the people who know how to. The addicts who are in recovery.
You can't fix him.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Teenie)) - though I'm glad he's seeking help, ((Hammerhead)) and ((CynicalOne)) are right - the deleting of numbers and staying away from bad influences comes AFTER admitting we are powerless over our addiction. I'm an RA (recovering addict) and recoveirng codie.
Now that he's seeking help for himself, this is and excellent time for you to focus on YOU, and I'm proud of the fact that you kept the conversation short. Even if he is successful, this is merely a pebble's throw into a great lake of recovery...there is much, much more work he has to do and only time, and a lot of ACTION, will tell if he's serious.
By focusing on you and allowing him to focus on him, you are giving yourselves the greatest opportunity at at fulfilling lives, regardless of what the other does. We codies tend to be addicted to the addict/drama/chaos and often go through our own "detox". This is where SR, meetings (if that is your choice) and any other suport you can get comes in very handy. Most often, we don't even realize HOW addicted we've been until we step back and get away from it.
Hugs and prayesr!
Amy
Now that he's seeking help for himself, this is and excellent time for you to focus on YOU, and I'm proud of the fact that you kept the conversation short. Even if he is successful, this is merely a pebble's throw into a great lake of recovery...there is much, much more work he has to do and only time, and a lot of ACTION, will tell if he's serious.
By focusing on you and allowing him to focus on him, you are giving yourselves the greatest opportunity at at fulfilling lives, regardless of what the other does. We codies tend to be addicted to the addict/drama/chaos and often go through our own "detox". This is where SR, meetings (if that is your choice) and any other suport you can get comes in very handy. Most often, we don't even realize HOW addicted we've been until we step back and get away from it.
Hugs and prayesr!
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 44
I understand that it's going to take a lot more than just deleting a few phone numbers and that it's going to take A LOT of work on his part. As for doing things for myself, I've already started to take some time for myself to make myself happy and finding time for ME to spend time w/ positive ppl and friends whom i haven't been able to spend time w/ for quite some time now.
When i answered, he broke down crying hardcore, talking about how he "thought i was gone forever because i hadn't answered my phone all day and how he needs help and couldn't stop using." I'm going to restrict my answering his calls to when i SEE my phone ringing, as it's on silent all the time and usually in another room. Just so he has some time to himself to reflect and i have some peace of mind for myself.
I'm going to my very first Al-anon meeting on Monday. Kind of nervous, kind of excited.
When i answered, he broke down crying hardcore, talking about how he "thought i was gone forever because i hadn't answered my phone all day and how he needs help and couldn't stop using." I'm going to restrict my answering his calls to when i SEE my phone ringing, as it's on silent all the time and usually in another room. Just so he has some time to himself to reflect and i have some peace of mind for myself.
I'm going to my very first Al-anon meeting on Monday. Kind of nervous, kind of excited.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Telling me he needs me more than ever now and the most support he can get.
When an addicts says things like "I need your help, I can't do it alone", the most helpful thing to say is "You are a smart guy. I know you are going to figure this out." and then focus on your life and your own recovery. Live by doing. Be a shining example of how to work a recovery program. Alanon is a good start. Good for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 44
He already knows that it's all him that has to do it. When he asked me why i didn't answer my phone all day, i just informed him that i was letting him figure things out. As i will continue to do. Thx for the advice once again!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by Teenie 
I'm going to my very first Al-anon meeting on Monday. Kind of nervous, kind of excited.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Teenie, I say this with love in my heart, okay?
You seem to know what HE needs to do, right?
But have you done even one single thing of what has been suggested for YOU to do?
Have you gone to a meeting? Have you tried no contact? Have you stepped back and taken your hands off HIS recovery or lack of it?
See how hard it is to do what we "should" do.
Just like only you can decide what is right for you do do (or not do), so it is for him.
Neither one of you will do one single thing until the pain of doing nothing is greater than the pain you are each in now.
Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
You seem to know what HE needs to do, right?
But have you done even one single thing of what has been suggested for YOU to do?
Have you gone to a meeting? Have you tried no contact? Have you stepped back and taken your hands off HIS recovery or lack of it?
See how hard it is to do what we "should" do.
Just like only you can decide what is right for you do do (or not do), so it is for him.
Neither one of you will do one single thing until the pain of doing nothing is greater than the pain you are each in now.
Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 44
Turns out he got evicted from this new apartment of his as well. The night he got taken into the hospital, apparently the police were circling his building and came in. He didn't get cuffed or anything, just put into the car where they looked to see if he had any outstanding warrants or anything, which he doesn't. Anyways, he was evicted from the apartment that he JUST got @ the end of April and had barely just moved his stuff in there. He's already losing the rest of what he had after his first eviction back in November.
He keeps calling me and balling his eyes out and apologizing. I think he REALLY wants to get better. He even wants to go to Hazelton. But is scared of the money issue, as it is really expensive.
I told him i would support him in his path to honest and sincere sobriety as much as i could, but i would NOT put up w/ use of any sort or any outlandish behavior. I'm also going to keep his phone off and let him fight the deal w/ his 2nd eviction himself.
And i WILL continue to do things for myself. Infact, I think I'm going camping @ the beginning of June w/ some long lost friends for a good 3 days out in the middle of nowhere just to get away.
He keeps calling me and balling his eyes out and apologizing. I think he REALLY wants to get better. He even wants to go to Hazelton. But is scared of the money issue, as it is really expensive.
I told him i would support him in his path to honest and sincere sobriety as much as i could, but i would NOT put up w/ use of any sort or any outlandish behavior. I'm also going to keep his phone off and let him fight the deal w/ his 2nd eviction himself.
And i WILL continue to do things for myself. Infact, I think I'm going camping @ the beginning of June w/ some long lost friends for a good 3 days out in the middle of nowhere just to get away.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
If he can afford Hazelton, he can afford getting a new apartment. If he can't afford new diggs, how is he going to afford Hazelton?
I had a friend that could afford Betty Ford. Twice. By choice. Guess what? He died of his addiction.
Second friend of mine is just back in recovery and has a good foundation from nearly six years of sobriety. He could afford both his million dollar apartment and Hazelton. How did he get sober, and what program got him right back on the wagon when he relapsed? Good old AA without any rehab (after getting checked out to make sure he didn't need medical detox).
Lesson learned for me, if you want it, you will go to any length to get it.
I had a friend that could afford Betty Ford. Twice. By choice. Guess what? He died of his addiction.
Second friend of mine is just back in recovery and has a good foundation from nearly six years of sobriety. He could afford both his million dollar apartment and Hazelton. How did he get sober, and what program got him right back on the wagon when he relapsed? Good old AA without any rehab (after getting checked out to make sure he didn't need medical detox).
Lesson learned for me, if you want it, you will go to any length to get it.
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 44
oh, he knows he can't afford hazelton. But he does want a good place to go. after he gets out of the hospital. I'm sure his social worker and such will help him the best way they can.
It sucks it has to come to this kind of thing for someone to realize that they should get clean. But sometimes, ppl need to see the hard side of things and get smacked in the face by reality.
It sucks it has to come to this kind of thing for someone to realize that they should get clean. But sometimes, ppl need to see the hard side of things and get smacked in the face by reality.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by Teenie
oh, he knows he can't afford hazelton. But he does want a good place to go. after he gets out of the hospital. I'm sure his social worker and such will help him the best way they can.
It sucks it has to come to this kind of thing for someone to realize that they should get clean. But sometimes, ppl need to see the hard side of things and get smacked in the face by reality.
It sucks it has to come to this kind of thing for someone to realize that they should get clean. But sometimes, ppl need to see the hard side of things and get smacked in the face by reality.
However, except for a few of the rich and/or famous, life doesn't hand us that option. My mother was lucky that someone in our family offered to use their retirement to pay for Betty Ford, but she wasn't ready to admit she had a problem. And I've already told you about my two other friends. If someone wants to get clean, they will do whatever it takes to get there.
Just remember not to set your goals for your son too high. These rehabs don't come close to guaranteeing the person will remain clean and sober. Its really up to the individual, as my AA-only friend reminded me recently.
The positive to your son being in rehab is that it will give you some time to work on your recovery. Good luck to both of you.
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Alera
Okay, I see where you are coming from. Honestly, when I hear "I would go to X Rehab" and the rehab is in Malibu or named Betty Ford/Hazelton and the person doesn't even have a roof over their head my BS meter goes off just a little. Sure we'd all love to stay in an environment where we are cut off from the stressors of our lives while having a nice roof over our heads and 3 chef prepared meals a day.
However, except for a few of the rich and/or famous, life doesn't hand us that option. My mother was lucky that someone in our family offered to use their retirement to pay for Betty Ford, but she wasn't ready to admit she had a problem. And I've already told you about my two other friends. If someone wants to get clean, they will do whatever it takes to get there.
Just remember not to set your goals for your son too high. These rehabs don't come close to guaranteeing the person will remain clean and sober. Its really up to the individual, as my AA-only friend reminded me recently.
The positive to your son being in rehab is that it will give you some time to work on your recovery. Good luck to both of you.
However, except for a few of the rich and/or famous, life doesn't hand us that option. My mother was lucky that someone in our family offered to use their retirement to pay for Betty Ford, but she wasn't ready to admit she had a problem. And I've already told you about my two other friends. If someone wants to get clean, they will do whatever it takes to get there.
Just remember not to set your goals for your son too high. These rehabs don't come close to guaranteeing the person will remain clean and sober. Its really up to the individual, as my AA-only friend reminded me recently.
The positive to your son being in rehab is that it will give you some time to work on your recovery. Good luck to both of you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He keeps calling me and balling his eyes out and apologizing. I think he REALLY wants to get better. He even wants to go to Hazelton. But is scared of the money issue, as it is really expensive.
I think what he REALLY wants, Teenie, is a soft place to crash and someone (that would be you) to deal with HIS problems so he can just go back to using.
Hope you step back and let all this land in his lap. It might save his life.
Hugs
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