Just Another Drunk
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Earth
Posts: 94
Just Another Drunk
Hello All
I've been browsing this site for many months but haven't actually gotten any clean time in until the past week. Last Thursday on my drive to work things kind of came to a head. I car pool to work with my wife every morning and the usual nagging started and i just lost it. I've been contemplating making an effort to become sober for many months but always seem to find an excuse to continue drinking - the wife's nagging has always been a good one. Anyway, she hasn't exactly been supportive during my brief moments of clarity when I have been open to getting some help. I'm usually given negative responses and put downs that only justify (in my mind) the reasons I have been drinking. Well, last Thursday was different. I just yelled over her "I need to stop this now, today! I cannot go another day feeling this way and I fell like I am dying" She continued giving negative feedback such as "you always feel like your dying" (true). But, I yelled louder and made it clear that I would not drink at least that night. I begged her to be prepared to leave work at 5:00 so I could go straight home instead of the bar so i could at least stay sober for at least one day. She eventually relented as she could see the desperation coming out of me. Well, I haven't had a drink since Wednesday of last week and I really feel like I am on my way.
My story is not unique. Alcoholic Father, half of my siblings are alcoholics. Most people on dad's side of the family are alcoholic. I first drank around age 12, smoked weed since 16, did a ton of acid and mushrooms, a little coke, etc. The drinking really didn't become problematic until about 10 years ago in my a late 20's. I managed to make it through college mostly smoking weed with an occasional keg party. As my 20's passed, beer became my drug of choice.
Anyway, over the past 2 years my wife and i have been car pooling to work. I get off at 5:00, she gets off around 6:30. What better to do than go have a couple of pints at the pub until she is ready to go home. It was fun at first since I found a cool college pub with lots of interesting young minds to rap with. Gradually, things progressed to a few pints and then a 6 pack to take home for later. I've been up to 8 or 9 beers per night for the past 6 months or so. Hence, "I feel like I'm gonna die".
So, its been obvious to me for many years that I have addiction problems. Its also obvious to me that while I can control things for periods of time they eventually spin out of control. I have a very busy life and not much time for AA right now. (Full time job, Grad student). I am coming here for support and help.
BTW, I have been working in Mental Health and D&A for 16 years so I know the score. As weird as it may sound, I'm not very good at walking the walk so to speak. I detoxed myself with a little klonopin. I started my Multi-Vit and B Complex vitamin and I'm staying away from the triggers.
The wife is still bitching a lot but calms down when I nicely ask her to please stop, or beg her to stop.
Anyway, I am here for support from fellow drunks. We understand each other much better than non addicts. I am happy to be here!
I've been browsing this site for many months but haven't actually gotten any clean time in until the past week. Last Thursday on my drive to work things kind of came to a head. I car pool to work with my wife every morning and the usual nagging started and i just lost it. I've been contemplating making an effort to become sober for many months but always seem to find an excuse to continue drinking - the wife's nagging has always been a good one. Anyway, she hasn't exactly been supportive during my brief moments of clarity when I have been open to getting some help. I'm usually given negative responses and put downs that only justify (in my mind) the reasons I have been drinking. Well, last Thursday was different. I just yelled over her "I need to stop this now, today! I cannot go another day feeling this way and I fell like I am dying" She continued giving negative feedback such as "you always feel like your dying" (true). But, I yelled louder and made it clear that I would not drink at least that night. I begged her to be prepared to leave work at 5:00 so I could go straight home instead of the bar so i could at least stay sober for at least one day. She eventually relented as she could see the desperation coming out of me. Well, I haven't had a drink since Wednesday of last week and I really feel like I am on my way.
My story is not unique. Alcoholic Father, half of my siblings are alcoholics. Most people on dad's side of the family are alcoholic. I first drank around age 12, smoked weed since 16, did a ton of acid and mushrooms, a little coke, etc. The drinking really didn't become problematic until about 10 years ago in my a late 20's. I managed to make it through college mostly smoking weed with an occasional keg party. As my 20's passed, beer became my drug of choice.
Anyway, over the past 2 years my wife and i have been car pooling to work. I get off at 5:00, she gets off around 6:30. What better to do than go have a couple of pints at the pub until she is ready to go home. It was fun at first since I found a cool college pub with lots of interesting young minds to rap with. Gradually, things progressed to a few pints and then a 6 pack to take home for later. I've been up to 8 or 9 beers per night for the past 6 months or so. Hence, "I feel like I'm gonna die".
So, its been obvious to me for many years that I have addiction problems. Its also obvious to me that while I can control things for periods of time they eventually spin out of control. I have a very busy life and not much time for AA right now. (Full time job, Grad student). I am coming here for support and help.
BTW, I have been working in Mental Health and D&A for 16 years so I know the score. As weird as it may sound, I'm not very good at walking the walk so to speak. I detoxed myself with a little klonopin. I started my Multi-Vit and B Complex vitamin and I'm staying away from the triggers.
The wife is still bitching a lot but calms down when I nicely ask her to please stop, or beg her to stop.
Anyway, I am here for support from fellow drunks. We understand each other much better than non addicts. I am happy to be here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Earth
Posts: 94
Thank you Lenina. I do need to dee a Doctor at some point and the AA thing. I'm very frightened to go AA. I can admit to myself that I have a problem. I can admit it to my wife. My step son tried to offer me some support but i pretended i din't know what he was talking about. He gave me a big hug and reminded me we have a lot of food and healthy things to drink but i just sort of shrugged it off. it is really difficult to acknowledge the problem with others. Its obvious to the kids that I am having a problem but i still want to hide it from them.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi H4R - welcome! Coming here to SR has made all the difference for me and maybe it will for you, too. I know the hell of going around and around with drinking. Even after I had a ton of "knowledge" about recovery, I chose to drink. Finally, I realized I would never be able to control it successfully and was able to look to sobriety. Keep posting and reading. It really helps!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Earth
Posts: 94
"Knowing" about recovery isn't "being" in recovery. it does help though. My dad is 86 years old and still in denial. Hi alcoholism sickened me as a teenager and a young man. Now i just feel sorry for him. Too proud and too arrogant to admit to anyone - possibly even himself despite it costing him his family and his life's savings over the past 20 years. I just don't want to repeat the family curse. There is no doubt in my mind that it is a health problem from which one can recover. We just have to be ready to get started. The glorious days of drinking were fun at one point. Now it is just a burden of self involved loathing. Plus, my family is going through the same thing I went through as a kid. I'm a lot like my dad - both good and bad. i just don't want to continue this for the next 50 years like he has. Although he has slowed down some in his old age and he is a lot more mellow. But he has a lot of regrets.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Hope4,
I completely understand! A big deal for me was admitting that I was an alcoholic. I had to fully accept that. Otherwise, my disease of alcoholism would tell me I wasn't that bad. I wanted to believe other people who told me I "wasn't that bad" or that I was "over-reacting." This is why I had to share with others in recovery.
Does that make sense to you? I don't write very well so I have to ask!
For me, it was a relief to find out I could recover. That my life could be good and I could be happy. That I didn't have to stay alone.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Lenina
I completely understand! A big deal for me was admitting that I was an alcoholic. I had to fully accept that. Otherwise, my disease of alcoholism would tell me I wasn't that bad. I wanted to believe other people who told me I "wasn't that bad" or that I was "over-reacting." This is why I had to share with others in recovery.
Does that make sense to you? I don't write very well so I have to ask!
For me, it was a relief to find out I could recover. That my life could be good and I could be happy. That I didn't have to stay alone.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Earth
Posts: 94
It does make sense and it does help. My wife constantly says "just cut down, have one or two". She doesn't understand that "we" really aren't capable of doing this, which is why i feel she is not supportive. You can always find someone worse than you. I rationalized with things like "I only drink beer" or "I only drink at night". It took awhile for me to realize that it isn't any different than 24/7 drinking with Vodka. Same disease.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Hope. Welcome! I am glad you are here. Congratulations on your success over this past week. Wishing you all the best with your continued progress. I've found this site to be very supportive and very helpful. I am sure you've heard it and you've probably said it but let me reiterate that LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER SOBER. That was hard for me to believe for a long time and it was not always easy but I am happy to confirm that it is true. Get the help you need and stick with it brother.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Hope4,
Exactly! This is why the support of fellow alcoholics is so necessary. We can lie to ourselves and our SO's but it's not so easy to get away with it when we share with others in our disease.
Love,
Lenina
Exactly! This is why the support of fellow alcoholics is so necessary. We can lie to ourselves and our SO's but it's not so easy to get away with it when we share with others in our disease.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Earth
Posts: 94
Thanks happier. I have an intense graduate course over the next 30 days that is mostly online. it is my goal to read and post here at least once every night to remind myself I am on the road to recovery. Plus. my mother in law from the Dominican republic will be here until the end of June. The hard part will be after school is over and she goes home. I also plan to stay out of restaurants and any where alcohol is served. After that its time for AA
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to SR! 
I'm glad you joined the family. Lots of support and good information here, so read and post as you like. Congrats on deciding to live sober. It really is worth the effort.
I'm glad you joined the family. Lots of support and good information here, so read and post as you like. Congrats on deciding to live sober. It really is worth the effort.
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