MsPINKAcres

Had to go pick up 3 of my granddaughters Tuesday evening to keep them from going into CPS custody for my daughter . . . now this is NOT the daughter that is an alcoholic/addict; this is the daughter that is in the dysfunctional relationship with what I perceive to be an alcoholic boyfriend.

Apparently she found out he was cheating again, confronted him and the argument got violent AGAIN, the authorities were called and the BF said she hit him as well as he hit her. The police were required to arrest both of them.

These girls are 7, 4 & 2. It became a huge drama because I was an hour away - had to call my mom to get there before I could (GROSS) but anyway - got the girls and made it to my house. Spent most of the nite up with the 4 yr old trying to get her calmed down.

My daughter called a few hrs later from the jail - bf changed his story once
he got to the police station, but it was too late she still had to be processed, find a judge to set bail, etc. I told her I had the girls and let me know what she found out.

It was hard hanging up that phone –but I did. She spent the nite in jail.

The next morning my mom called – freakin out as usual – said “maybe you can let her stay in jail, but I can’t – I’m calling to find out what’s going on and going to do something about it.” (thanks for the guilt, Mom)

The raging, controlling, enabling, manipulating mother of mine to the center of the stage!! So she and my daughter did lots of things – hopefully a restraining order, no contact, clearing things with the landlord, he can only get his things with law enforcement there, changed the locks, etc

But my thoughts are it really doesn’t matter – cause my daughter probably isn’t thru.

We usually always let them back in – don’t we.
After all that’s what we all tend to do ~right?

A day passes, then a week – we hear the words we want to hear – we see or think we see a little improvement – we wanna believe the good – we talk on the phone cause it’s really necessary, one quick visit won’t make a difference, maybe we will meet for a harmless lunch . . .
Aww – how sweet – he thought of me and brought my favorite flower, picked up the kids a treat, I miss him so much; look how good he looks; he offers me money to help with the bills,
he and his kids want to see us; it’s harmless for them to stay just one nite – right?

And you wake up one morning and he’s drinkin the same amount, if not more; out with the boys (and the new girl that he's cheating with) again; hitting you again, and she’ll wonder what happened to that girl that spent the nite in jail back in May. . .

My heart breaks for her but geez why should she do anything different, like the country song says She comes from a “Long Line of Losers” – she saw her mom do this for over 16 yrs, just like my mom before me and my other female relatives.
She is living the life she was brought up to live - I pray so much that it doesn't take her 16 plus years to get out it.

I’ve been in Al-Anon for almost 7 yrs – it helped me walk away from mine, it took me almost 2 yrs to leave after my ex AH relapsed – but no matter how long I have been in recovery it will never undo the damage I allowed my daughters to suffer while living with active alcoholism/addiction.

They will have to seek healing for themselves – I can only show them a door to the answer – they will have to walk in the rooms on their own.

At first I was so angry that my granddaughters had to go thru this – now I’m just sad – so very sad, because I just have no hope that this will be the only time – like with our alcoholics/addicts – I’m afraid she has many more bottoms to hit before it’s her time for recovery. . .

Oh and did I mention that I truly detest this disease of alcoholism and addiction - with every fiber of my being - just incase there was any doubt on my feelings

HUGS,
Rita

Ann

Rita, truer words were never spoken.

All we can do is the best we can and sometimes that means leaving our past in the dust.

Today is all ours, tomorrow depends on how we live today, and our choices dictate our future.

Keeping your daughters in my prayers, that they will learn that there IS a way out, all they have to do is walk through that door to the rooms.

Bless you for taking care of the little ones. You are giving them a chance to see that life doesn't have to be dysfunctional when we are willing to choose a better path.

Hugs

outonalimb

I do too, Rita. I do.

I'm so sorry about everything that has happened.

Its just such a vicious cycle. Yes, it's very sad. And there isn't one thing you can do to change what happened in the past. And there isn't one thing you can do or say that will make your daughter realize that she is trapped in this cycle. That she isn't the victim. That she's a willing participant. I guess that would be the most frustrating part of it all.

Yes, its all very sad. But you are doing what you can to change things. You changed things for yourself. Your daughter is watching you...learning from you...whether you realize it or not. It might not seem like it but someday when she's ready, she'll know there is a way out of the insanity. Keep holding that light out...and one day, with God's help, she'll surrender and seek a better way. You're a living example for her that it CAN be done. What a precious gift you've given her whether she realizes it or not right now.

You're right...she might not be 'done' yet. She might have more to learn. But hold on to your own recovery, say a prayer for her, do what you can to make things as stable as you can for those precious grandchildren...and leave the rest in God's care.

Sending hugs, strentgh and prayers for all of you...

Mary

Callie

Rita,

I'm sorry. Those granddaughters of yours are lucky to have such an awesome grandma though. Keep doing what you're doing and I pray that your daughter chooses the right path.

Chino

I'm confident your daughter will get it one of these days, because she has a shining example. Your grandchildren are so blessed that they have your light to follow, too.

You stopped a wicked cycle, Rita, one that went on for generations. It may take a little while before seeing this new cycle ramp up, but it already started and you're the one who did it.

I stopped a cycle, too; it was abandonment. There's a difference between that and tough love. This new cycle in my family's life is already having positive effects, it's just taken a little while to see it

MsPINKAcres

Thnxs everyone,

Just got a text from my daughter . . .

Thanks for helping me...i want better and wont settle for bn a doormat. ur a good teacher

I responded back to her with this . . .
I want better for U please b smarter than me dont let it take u over 16 yrs to be PINKFULLY free! I love u

She talks a good talk - but ACTIONS speak louder than words - my hope and prayer is that now her actions will follow her words.

Just like mine need to ~ One Day at a Time.

Callie

Oh good news Rita! I hope she follows through!

Impurrfect

((Rita)) - sorry I'm late on this, but you're forgetting one very important fact...your daughter also has one awesome WINNER in her family and that's YOU!!

The past is done, sweetie, and though God knows, we wish we could turn back the hands of time and do stuff different, we just can't. Maybe watching you go through what you did, for all those years, knowing what SHE went through will push her to make the decision to get her and those precious girls out the situation faster.

Please remember you always did the best you knew how at the time. You are a shining star of recovery in your family and I promise you...they ARE paying attention. Whether or not they follow your lead? Well, that's up to them, but I will continue to keep you and yours in my prayers!


Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

Rita, it took me a couple of days to think about your post and process my feelings.

I know exactly what it's like to see the damage we inflicted on our kids while in untreated codependency.

It is so heart-wrenching when grandchildren are involved!

I will always have a certain amount of guilt over what I put my daughters through, but I finally reached a point of self-forgiveness, and quit beating myself up over it. That helped me to quit making decisions based on that guilt too.

What a blessing that your grandchildren have a safe place in their grandmother's home and life!

My grandkids know my home is a safe place to be in too when they need it.

You're a wonderful example of recovery. :ghug3

eaglesgirl

You are an awesome mom, grandmom, and best of all...you are an awesome inspiration of just HOW this program can help someone... but u are right...she will have to take those steps herself...but YOU are there for her!

BIG PINK HUGS!

MsPINKAcres

Once again - thanks for all the love, support and encouragement!

Ya'll mean the world to me!

On a very encouraging note - my daughter did get the temporary restraining order Friday the 14th - goes to court this Friday for the permanment one -

prayers that continues using her inner strength, courage and wisdom from her HP to keep fighting for a healthier life for her and those precious three girls!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

outonalimb

I'm so glad to hear this encouraging update!

Your daughter and her precious girls are in my prayers.
And you are too.
Keep that light of yours shining brightly, Ms. Rita!