uvwaves

Hello All,
I am a single dad and have finally accepted the realization the I actually NEED alchohol and marajuana to deal with stress in my life. I grew up

the son of a single mom who was a hardcore alchoholic(vodka was drink of choice) and prescription drug abuser. She was never there for me and she eventually died from it at a young age shortly after I left home at 18.
I have been abusing alchohol since I was a young man. However, with the acception of the occasional over drinking, I have never been hardcore meaning I used to only abuse alchohol in social situations. I picked up marajuana in college and went so far as to cultivate it quite successfully in my apt for a good 4-5 years. That really got me hooked. Now I think what sets me apart is that I have a certain degree of control over my addiction. I

would not consider myself out of control. If I do drink daily, it is usually just enough to 'catch a buzz' and unlike most of the people that I

am familiar with that smoke marajuana, when I smoke, I may only take one small hit at night after I put my son to sleep. Most smokers that I have been exposed to smoke way too much. So growing up with a

hardcore addict I know how bad it can get. At the same time, I may not be out of control but I pretty much need one or the other on a daily

basis. I have always been good at looking inward and trying to keep myself in check but the fact of the matter remains that I really feeled

'compelled' to have one or the other on a daily basis.
I really want to quit. Maybe this is not ruining my life right now but I am not living the fullest life I could be living as a result of the

need to modify my mind with alchohol and drugs every day. I do believe life would probably be much fuller without it. I have looked at 12 step

programs but really, the whole religious aspect turns me off completely as I don't believe in any other grand entity that is somehow looking

down upon us. I am perfectly optimistic, non-judgemental and kind to others without it.
My son has been the catalyst for the change in my attitude about my addiction.
So what is my problem? I feel like I lack the strength to quit. I may control it to a degree in terms of intensity but the yearning is very

very strong every day and a lot of my thought goes to thinking about when I can get that drink or take a drag. I just don't know.
So I have never tried to quit. I have tried to quit one or the other and I just turn to the drug that I am not quitting to help me. I have never tried to quit both my addictions. I am choosing monday as my quitting day.
Why monday? I am going camping this weekend with my best friend since college who is definitely an alchoholic and going through a really bad time in his marriage. I talked to him yesterday and he is pumped to get out for the weekend so he can blow it out so to speak. I know this weekend will be impossible to quit but I want to talk to him about what I want to do. Anyways I am just rambling now because I don't really know what I am doing posting this.

jade09

Accepting it is a step in the right direction, wanting to quit is another, actually doing will take everything you got and then some.....but it is possible, because YOU have the power and control if you want it bad enough.
I accepted it about 7 years ago, wanted to quit about 5 years ago, finally doing it--only 5 months in, but I am doing it, not just thinking it anymore.
Good luck, I know I planned my "last time" too many times---my last time was not planned, it was a miserable nightmare--and that's how I need to remember it--
Definitely share your thoughts and plans with your friend-it will make you feel stronger about your desire--and maybe it's something you can do together??

Mark75

You looked at twelve step programs? I am in one... I never heard, read or at anytime saw anything about a "grand entity that is somehow looking down upon us" ... LOL ... You didn't look too hard.

That's OK, lot's of people who say they looked at a twelve step program didn't look too hard either... Now, I'm not picking on you or trying to flame you... because elsewhere you say...

Do you believe that somewhere, somehow, that there is a power greater than yourself... somehow, somewhere in the universe?? The only leap of faith you need make is then, can you tap into that power so that you no longer feel you lack the strength to quit....

Welcome to SR!

Mark

lilheavy1073

I know people who's higher power is there kid. In the 12 step program Im in we suggest that you start to believe in a higher power but the only requirements for that higher power is that it is loving and caring it can be anything you find it to be.

artsoul

Hi uvwaves - I can relate to your experience. I didn't think I would be able to get along without alcohol either(or some mood altering substance). Even when I did manage a few days or a week without it, the cravings were horrible. The problem is that alcohol creates anxiety, depressions and cravings, so we're feeding the beast every time we take another drink. If we don't cut off it's food source, it just gets bigger and bigger.

I don't go to AA either (alot of people don't). I spend alot of time here and so far it's worked really well. There are also other programs - many that are secular. I do believe in God, but I imagine "He" is more like an energy of love or purpose that binds us and the universe together. There are atheists and agnostics in AA, too, and they use the group support as their "Higher Power." Somehow, everyone manages to find what works for them, like their own "recipe" for staying sober.

I'm really glad you're here. I hope you keep posting and reading.

Norther

I find your post very confusing. Sitting here with just ten-plus days of sobriety, I'm probably easily confused and unqualified to comment, but "accepting" that you need alcohol and weed doesn't seem quite the same to me as accepting that you have to give them up. Denial can happen at any step along the way, even after you accept that you need the drug, and one form of denial is self-confusion.

RMK3

Hi uvwaves,
I joined recently and I'm about in my third week without alcohol. Everyone's experiences are different. I used to think about my next drink, plan them when I was younger, now it's not of much consequence. But, I'd still drink regardless for reasons even when the desire wasn't really there! Likely to escape, until my health and well being became more compromised, it's self defeating really. Also I'm not as resilient as I was in my youth Regardless, it's binging, once I start often I don't stop whether it's once a week or longer. At one point I felt I could moderate it, it works for stretches but eventually resulted in damaging binges. At the same time ironically I've gone years without drinking much at all, no time, I was consumed with trying to recover my young child from his disorder. In retrospect I decided there are different reasons I might drink or perhaps I'm too consumed with 'something' and I move from one thing to the next. Through it all, either way, lot of worrying, preoccupation, and not living life in the moment, rather, much the opposite. My health and well being has improved so much in only these weeks I forgot what it felt like, and I'm taking advantage of my new natural high. There was a time where that would have been much more difficult to do, either way I understand that it's not easy, I still feel irritable and quite moody at times and I still need "strength" no doubt, hence I'm here.

What also stood out is that you said you have a child, what helps me is that I constantly think of my child, it helps give me strength, I'm also surely doing if for myself. I've lost people who were only middle aged, that also got me thinking as well. I forced myself into reading a lot of the ill affects of drinking and smoking, it scares the heck out of me, that's another thing that helps me build strength. My child recently remarked "mommy don't smoke, I don't want you to get cancer" Which is another reason I cut down and am looking to quit that too. More than that, this is coming from a child who I didn't know would ever speak, and has taught me even more to not take things for granted... My child's recoverty has been dramatic very gratefully, when I thought at one point it was so dire, I decided to use the same analogy for myself. Finding the strength to help is different for different people, I can only share my personal experiences and thoughts on what brought me to where I am now, I wish you the very best in your decisions!!
R.

AtlasMcGee

hello uvwaves

I'm two weeks (today) sober from alcohol & weed.

I had to accept that fact too--about "needing" to smoke or drink to deal with stress--I'd go into final exams completely blitzed--stoned.
I then had to accept the fact that these substances were merely covering up my stresses & resulted in them building up. This ''build up'' made me an unhappy person & not the person that I truly am. I'm better without them. I hope you can feel the same.

I also didn't drink a whole bunch all day everyday. I had 1-3 drinks a day to take the "edge" off after work or smoke a little before relaxing & watching a flick--just a hit or two (depending on the quality)--was all about conserving that stuff There were other (frequent at times) occasions where I'd go balls to the wall at social gatherings & drink very heavily & smoke a bunch too though--& I really didn't like that side of me at times, made me a completely different person--almost an excuse to not be myself.

One more thing--The AA stuff, it's mainly about just admitting that you can't do this on your own & knowing that no one should expect you to, because it is a heavy burden, so just be encouraged to seek help however you feel fit--at least that's how I understand it. Everyone has their own individual way and you'll be amazed at how many people who'll love to help & encourage you during this process. Just take a simple look around SR and it's pretty easy to see.

Best of luck! & welcome

NewBeginning010

I heard a great line in the Joe & Charlie AA tapes the other day about helping people that are struggling with the God/AA concept, so I am going to share it here.

All I ask is you read the first question then take a couple of minutes to answer it as best you can (just a rough couple of lines), then & only then go to the next step.

First,

Write down what you would like your god or a higher power to be if you could make it anything you wanted.




Now write that down.





Dont look yet.











Are you really finished?






Dont cheat... it wont have any value then






Ready for it......?






OK here it is.

{enter your answer of how you would imagine god or a higher power to be like in a perfect world}





Scroll Down \/






Now, start with that /\ (your answer of course ;-)



Take care & keep coming back.


Cheers,

NB

Horselover

Welcome to SR. I look forward to hearing more from you on Monday after your weekend. Maybe you'll inspire your friend, but the focus should be on you and you alone. Might want to look into having a checkup by your doctor. Withdrawals can be pretty serious. Glad you joined this forum.

NewBeginning010

Keep it simple /\ it looks like you already have your higher power right there.


GOD = Good Orderly Direction (if you want it to)

Take Care,

NB

Dee74

Hi uvwaves

I see a lot of similaritites in your story to mine.

I spent many years convinced I needed booze and pot to deal with stress too...the last three years sober have put paid to that lie pretty comprehensively.

I ended up having had to quit because the certain degree of control I thought I had blew out to me smoking and drinking all day long, everyday.

I never thought I'd be that guy, but there ya go.

You're making a good choice to try and kick it, now uv.

It won't be easy but you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.

I hope maybe we can help you shore up some of that uncertainty.

D

littlefish

Welcome to SR, uvwaves!

Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I found one little contradiction with your post that you might like to think about: you don't consider yourself out of control, yet you grew pot for 4-5 years in your home. It's illegal: maybe that is a tad out of control? How many people do that?
Aside from that, you have some really positive thoughts in your post: it sounds like you want to improve yourself for your son.

Why not start there? Make a point of never smoking in his presence and never being in a mind-altered state during the time when you are responsible for his care. That will sure take some big chunks out of your high time, hee, right?

You don't have to believe in religion to be helped by the fellowship of NA or AA: just believe another power is greater than you. Alcohol and drugs are lower powers that drag us down and reduce our potential to a fraction of what it can be. Many people define their higher power as the fellowship, so, really, you don't have to go all religious.

Why don't you think about making a plan for your recovery? Make it step by step, such as a visit with your doctor and then checking out NA or AA in your area, and outpatient addiction programs.

Good luck, check back with us and let us know how it goes!