The closer I get....
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
The closer I get....
.....the worse I feel.
Okay, I'll give this a shot.
I've been away from Mr.Sofa now for over four months. I have been working on myself FULL TIME and practically overdosing on self help and my codependency. I've learned A LOT about myself...and my new word is "accountability".
In the past it has always been "why Me?" and I was pretty good at playing "the victim". Now I know I have choices, and I AM the one responsible for the life I live and how I live it.
And I met someone new. Just in the "friend" stages of the "dance" because I don't trust my "picker" just yet....but the closer I get to Him...the reality that Mr.Sofa and I are really not going to be together anymore is really hitting me hard.
I guess I had just been stuffing my feelings about the separation down because He's been out of the country. But I think inside I have still been "waiting". Waiting for that fairy tale ending.....but it won't happen that way. And the closer i get to Mr.New, the more anxiety I start to feel.
So, I had an honest to God meltdown 2 days ago. I have had breakdowns before...I know what they feel like and know what I do to myself when they happen....and it just reared it's ugly head.
(Uncontrollable crying, loss of appetite, cold sweaty palms, lack of concentration, insomnia, irritability, obsessive thought pattern, headaches, anger, feelings of defeat, etc..)
The problem I have now is that I have been working SO HARD on myself and getting to know my motives for why I do what I do to myself....but it STILL FEELS THE SAME as it had in the past!!! Still hurts the same!!! And I feel I have no control over my anxiety at the moment.
I'm trying to understand what the root of my anxiety is
( rejection and fear ) But I can't seem to give myself a break from it and move on.
Have any of you experienced a delayed reaction like this? I don't know what more I can do but keep working on myself...but I'm wobbly and confused.
There's a movie called "Moonlight and Valentino" if any of you have seen it...it's kind of like that.
Okay, I'll give this a shot.
I've been away from Mr.Sofa now for over four months. I have been working on myself FULL TIME and practically overdosing on self help and my codependency. I've learned A LOT about myself...and my new word is "accountability".
In the past it has always been "why Me?" and I was pretty good at playing "the victim". Now I know I have choices, and I AM the one responsible for the life I live and how I live it.
And I met someone new. Just in the "friend" stages of the "dance" because I don't trust my "picker" just yet....but the closer I get to Him...the reality that Mr.Sofa and I are really not going to be together anymore is really hitting me hard.
I guess I had just been stuffing my feelings about the separation down because He's been out of the country. But I think inside I have still been "waiting". Waiting for that fairy tale ending.....but it won't happen that way. And the closer i get to Mr.New, the more anxiety I start to feel.
So, I had an honest to God meltdown 2 days ago. I have had breakdowns before...I know what they feel like and know what I do to myself when they happen....and it just reared it's ugly head.
(Uncontrollable crying, loss of appetite, cold sweaty palms, lack of concentration, insomnia, irritability, obsessive thought pattern, headaches, anger, feelings of defeat, etc..)
The problem I have now is that I have been working SO HARD on myself and getting to know my motives for why I do what I do to myself....but it STILL FEELS THE SAME as it had in the past!!! Still hurts the same!!! And I feel I have no control over my anxiety at the moment.
I'm trying to understand what the root of my anxiety is
( rejection and fear ) But I can't seem to give myself a break from it and move on.
Have any of you experienced a delayed reaction like this? I don't know what more I can do but keep working on myself...but I'm wobbly and confused.
There's a movie called "Moonlight and Valentino" if any of you have seen it...it's kind of like that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Anvilhead that it's difficult to make a good "new beginning" when you haven't put closure on the past.
Most times this involves some "in between" time where you get to work on you, your issues, your healthy new self and where you get to know and love that stranger called "you".
People I know who have jumped from one relationship to another without pausing, have an insecure need that they think can only be filled by someone else...when in fact, they hold the key to their own happiness and just haven't taken time to try it out.
Take time, take space and find out more about yourself and then move forward in confidence, with a healthy attitude. Healthy attracts heathy, sick attracts sick. Your picker will be just find if you are healthy enough to make healthy choices.
Hugs
Most times this involves some "in between" time where you get to work on you, your issues, your healthy new self and where you get to know and love that stranger called "you".
People I know who have jumped from one relationship to another without pausing, have an insecure need that they think can only be filled by someone else...when in fact, they hold the key to their own happiness and just haven't taken time to try it out.
Take time, take space and find out more about yourself and then move forward in confidence, with a healthy attitude. Healthy attracts heathy, sick attracts sick. Your picker will be just find if you are healthy enough to make healthy choices.
Hugs
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
"being emotionally involved in more than one person turned me bat sh!t crazy...."
LMFAO!! Yep....that's about right. But I think I'm actually NOT reality bound with either man at the moment. My head is making up things that do not exist. A fantasy of each, actually. And I know it....so THAT'S new for Me...progress, right?
i don't recall if you two have divorced or if that is in process???
We are or "were" one of those not married on paper kind of couples. 10 years committed to each other NO DIFFERENT than any other "officially on paper" kind of couples. So, no attorneys needed....but it sure feels and IS the same as any other seperation....know what I mean? I'm what you would consider a "progressive" kind of gal. Besides...I never really wanted to legally attach all of my assets to an addict. Who's the smart girl?
LMFAO!! Yep....that's about right. But I think I'm actually NOT reality bound with either man at the moment. My head is making up things that do not exist. A fantasy of each, actually. And I know it....so THAT'S new for Me...progress, right?
i don't recall if you two have divorced or if that is in process???
We are or "were" one of those not married on paper kind of couples. 10 years committed to each other NO DIFFERENT than any other "officially on paper" kind of couples. So, no attorneys needed....but it sure feels and IS the same as any other seperation....know what I mean? I'm what you would consider a "progressive" kind of gal. Besides...I never really wanted to legally attach all of my assets to an addict. Who's the smart girl?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
I just had to say that I know all your feelings and I have been there. The 1st guy that I started going out with after ExABF was nice, but I had all this anxiety about the whole thing. If I was going to make the same mistakes, if he was going to end up having some major red flags and on and on and on.
So I decided I needed some more time to myself and work on myself before I could be really open and trully enjoy a relationship again.
I have met someone really nice now and we are doing great. I can tell a big difference in ME and how I am in this relationship. So, I guess that time I took away from dating did help.
You were in a very long relationship. You may just need some more time. I agree with Ann and Anvil it sounds like you may need to take some more time to come to terms with the end of your relationship before being able to truly move on with someone and be able to enjoy them and not have anxiety.
Take care Sofa
So I decided I needed some more time to myself and work on myself before I could be really open and trully enjoy a relationship again.
I have met someone really nice now and we are doing great. I can tell a big difference in ME and how I am in this relationship. So, I guess that time I took away from dating did help.
You were in a very long relationship. You may just need some more time. I agree with Ann and Anvil it sounds like you may need to take some more time to come to terms with the end of your relationship before being able to truly move on with someone and be able to enjoy them and not have anxiety.
Take care Sofa
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I agree with everyone, just wanted to share a visual with you that I overheard one time:
Picturing a monkey in a tree, swinging from branch to branch. They won't let go of the first branch until they have a hold on the next one.
Right now you're holding onto both branches and hanging suspended. You have choices: let go of one or drop to lower branches and climb down. Heck, if you're close enough to bottom, you can let go of both and walk on the ground
Picturing a monkey in a tree, swinging from branch to branch. They won't let go of the first branch until they have a hold on the next one.
Right now you're holding onto both branches and hanging suspended. You have choices: let go of one or drop to lower branches and climb down. Heck, if you're close enough to bottom, you can let go of both and walk on the ground
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Sofa,
I've come back to this thread a couple of times. I have absolutely no advice. I too am in the same place as you. I personally know I'm so not ready to date. I look forward to a healthy relationship, but it can't be for a while. My XAH moved out 6 months ago. I am picturing chino's monkey scenario. I can see myself holding on to that one branch and not letting go. I've let go of everything physically, but emotionally it's hard to let go.
I would imagine that I would do alot of comparing this early on as well. Do you think maybe it's just too early? I guess the only thing that I can say is take it very slowly.
I've come back to this thread a couple of times. I have absolutely no advice. I too am in the same place as you. I personally know I'm so not ready to date. I look forward to a healthy relationship, but it can't be for a while. My XAH moved out 6 months ago. I am picturing chino's monkey scenario. I can see myself holding on to that one branch and not letting go. I've let go of everything physically, but emotionally it's hard to let go.
I would imagine that I would do alot of comparing this early on as well. Do you think maybe it's just too early? I guess the only thing that I can say is take it very slowly.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm not a good dater. I was burned SO BAD by my ex (really myself because I allowed myself to be burned) that I'm really cautious and jumpy when it comes to relationships. So if dating doesn't feel right, I trust that feeling.
No need to rush SOFA. 4 months is not a long time when it comes to recovery (from a heartwrenching situation.)
When the right person comes along you'll know it because it will feel right. In the meantime, keep doing what youre doing and keep posting here.
No need to rush SOFA. 4 months is not a long time when it comes to recovery (from a heartwrenching situation.)
When the right person comes along you'll know it because it will feel right. In the meantime, keep doing what youre doing and keep posting here.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Chino....I will always remember "the monkey in the tree." that's a good one! Thank you.
And Anvil...sorry about the gay guy. I'm a hairdresser, they're cute...I get it!
Right now I'm working on giving myself permission to feel lousy, and be okay with it. I won't stay here long, and I'm working on figuring out WHY I beat myself up so much.
The new guy..."Mr.Wonderful....well, I started the friendship out by being a sounding board for Him. Let Him spill all his woes onto me. Hey, I can give good advice, that's one place I'm pretty confident. But then I realized that I was DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN!! Don't have enough faith in myself that a guy could just be interested in me for ME. I had to go and make myself needed in some way. URGH!!!!!
Good thing is I caught myself doing it...bad thing is I'm still doing it. Florence Nightengale was NOT known for her love life now, was she?!
I'm a work in progress.
And Anvil...sorry about the gay guy. I'm a hairdresser, they're cute...I get it!
Right now I'm working on giving myself permission to feel lousy, and be okay with it. I won't stay here long, and I'm working on figuring out WHY I beat myself up so much.
The new guy..."Mr.Wonderful....well, I started the friendship out by being a sounding board for Him. Let Him spill all his woes onto me. Hey, I can give good advice, that's one place I'm pretty confident. But then I realized that I was DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN!! Don't have enough faith in myself that a guy could just be interested in me for ME. I had to go and make myself needed in some way. URGH!!!!!
Good thing is I caught myself doing it...bad thing is I'm still doing it. Florence Nightengale was NOT known for her love life now, was she?!
I'm a work in progress.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It takes time to "move on"
Be gentle on yourself, grieving the last 10 yrs sounds perfectly normal.
Maybe you can take up something: plants, exercise routine or gym membership, walks, etc.
I was single 7 yrs. between husbands. I loved dating, especially activities like tennis, skiing, hiking, traveling, Romance.
ROAD TRIPS w/ girlfriends and weekly events w/ friends, giving dinner parties, starting a book club,
.
HAVE SOME FUN,
Be gentle on yourself, grieving the last 10 yrs sounds perfectly normal.
Maybe you can take up something: plants, exercise routine or gym membership, walks, etc.
I was single 7 yrs. between husbands. I loved dating, especially activities like tennis, skiing, hiking, traveling, Romance.
ROAD TRIPS w/ girlfriends and weekly events w/ friends, giving dinner parties, starting a book club,
. HAVE SOME FUN,
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Thanks Spiritual....I'm planning on going out with some friends tomorrow night....forcing myself to, really.
And as for dating and ROMANCE? Well, I think I'll just start reading my Twilight books over again and stick to Edward while I'm mending my wounds!!!
Thank you.
And as for dating and ROMANCE? Well, I think I'll just start reading my Twilight books over again and stick to Edward while I'm mending my wounds!!!
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I'm planning on going out with some friends tomorrow night....forcing myself to, really
A good friend of mine and I were talking yesterday. I cannot believe how isolated I've become. I don't leave the house unless it's for work, the store or the kids. I really don't want to go anywhere. I'm going to start forcing myself as well. I mean I 'want to want' to do those things. In my mind it sounds good, but I never follow through.
A good friend of mine and I were talking yesterday. I cannot believe how isolated I've become. I don't leave the house unless it's for work, the store or the kids. I really don't want to go anywhere. I'm going to start forcing myself as well. I mean I 'want to want' to do those things. In my mind it sounds good, but I never follow through.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Right, Callie? I don't want to go out tomorrow night....at all!!!!! I'm not sure if it will help or not, but it will get me off my computer for a couple of hours. Now, if my friends (which I do not have many anymore) wanted to just come over, have dinner, and watch a movie....I'd be into it. But the "outing"....ugh.
Oh...and I am being taken to a "Drag" show....now they're funny as all get out...but not a whole lot of boys I can flirt with! Hahahaa!!!! Maybe...that's a good idea right now, eh?
PM Me sometime....we're on the same boat!
Oh...and I am being taken to a "Drag" show....now they're funny as all get out...but not a whole lot of boys I can flirt with! Hahahaa!!!! Maybe...that's a good idea right now, eh?
PM Me sometime....we're on the same boat!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I have been seperated from my AH for 5 months now..in the beginning I barely left the house as I was an emotional wreck (married for 26 years) I just couldnt be in the public..since then I started running again outside and must admit it feels good..as far as dating, I get panicky when I think of it!! I cant imagine myself with anyone else right now and dont think personally it would be good for me right now. last night I took my niece and her friends to see taylor swift, I thought I was going to pass out being around all those people,lol...but I did it, I even talked to other parents and got up and boogied..I never thought 5 months ago I would be doing that..I guess time does heal wounds.
I too dont have many close friends anymore,but I just go about my usual days and try to keep busy.
.I never thought 5 months ago I would be doing that..I guess time does heal wounds.I too dont have many close friends anymore,but I just go about my usual days and try to keep busy.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Sofa -I'm planning on going out with some friends tomorrow night....forcing myself to, really
Same thing here. Totally. I want to want to do those things. I'll pm you next week. I suspect were exactly the same with where we're at. I know I should, would benefit, but can't get the gumption to do more than i SHOULD. . . . THOUGH i WANT TOO....
Same thing here. Totally. I want to want to do those things. I'll pm you next week. I suspect were exactly the same with where we're at. I know I should, would benefit, but can't get the gumption to do more than i SHOULD. . . . THOUGH i WANT TOO....
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Taylor Swift, huh? What an awesome night you must have had! Being around all those silly teens...how cute. Sounds like a night a few of us can use....just go out and act like innocent teens again. No cares, no worries...just
"OMG what am I going to wear?" And "OMG, he's so cute and he's totally checking me out."
And Callie...I remember well the chaos that was blowing through your world there....I think the "quiet" and "solitude" is not so bad given the circumstances. You sound so much better....you ARE better.
You know what's really bad? My friends are picking ME up because they don't trust that I will just go on my own...so the ONE THING that I am dreading the most is making sure my house is SPOT clean before they get here. Ugh. Will THAT ever change?
"OMG what am I going to wear?" And "OMG, he's so cute and he's totally checking me out."
And Callie...I remember well the chaos that was blowing through your world there....I think the "quiet" and "solitude" is not so bad given the circumstances. You sound so much better....you ARE better.
You know what's really bad? My friends are picking ME up because they don't trust that I will just go on my own...so the ONE THING that I am dreading the most is making sure my house is SPOT clean before they get here. Ugh. Will THAT ever change?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by sofacat 
Thanks Spiritual....I'm planning on going out with some friends tomorrow night....forcing myself to, really.
And as for dating and ROMANCE? Well, I think I'll just start reading my Twilight books over again and stick to Edward while I'm mending my wounds!!!
Thank you.
And as for dating and ROMANCE? Well, I think I'll just start reading my Twilight books over again and stick to Edward while I'm mending my wounds!!!
Thank you.
i'm fully ingesting art tho - listening to music, watching movies, went to an opening the other night down the street (i live in a city)
been freaking out too. i let him yank my chain, meanwhile there's a new boy expressing some semblence of interest and hes....nice. very nice. and we met randomly and couldn't ...stop...talking.
still, WTF i can't even think about that omg.. no no no no no
then again, in some way i can.
i am afraid.
bravo to this thread, i keep coming back to it and reading.
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Yeah, Ocean....I've already read the books too!! But I figured it couldn't hurt to read them again!!!! Actually....someone suggested I read the book "Eat, Pray, Love"
So I bought it about 3 months ago. Having been able to quiet the noise in my head for a book....but I think I'm going to give it a try tomorrow. It's supposed to be a very inspiring book. They're making the movie right now and I think Julia Roberts is playing the lead character.
As for dating??? Well, Ocean I just realized that I am in NO WAY ready to introduce a new man into my life romantically. But....new friends are always welcome. I like Chino's "monkey" reference.
I realized through this that I am a bit to obsessive with other people at the moment. I met a man who had an alcoholic wife who cheated on Him....and thought "Wow, he's just like Me!" So, before i even started to get to know Him....I already had visions of where we were living as old people years down the road!!!! In my head, he was Mr.Wonderful and in my head, he was all the magical things that I am looking for in a soul mate.
I made Him up in my head before I even got to know Him. I was telling my Mom
"As I picked up a steak knife..... "See this knife? Most people will simply see it as a knife, and use it for things that you would use a knife for. People like Me? Well, I don't just see a knife....I say to myself Well, if you turn it on it's side it can be a mirror, or you can use it as a fork, or maybe just a pretty art piece. NO, IT's A FREAKING KNIFE!!!"
Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are, believe them". I'm not there yet. I'm still trying to make people something they are not....and they don't even see it coming. When I realize that they are different from my fantasy, I ACT SHOCKED, HURT and SURPRISED!!!! I'm not well.
Good thing is....I see this now.
So I bought it about 3 months ago. Having been able to quiet the noise in my head for a book....but I think I'm going to give it a try tomorrow. It's supposed to be a very inspiring book. They're making the movie right now and I think Julia Roberts is playing the lead character.
As for dating??? Well, Ocean I just realized that I am in NO WAY ready to introduce a new man into my life romantically. But....new friends are always welcome. I like Chino's "monkey" reference.
I realized through this that I am a bit to obsessive with other people at the moment. I met a man who had an alcoholic wife who cheated on Him....and thought "Wow, he's just like Me!" So, before i even started to get to know Him....I already had visions of where we were living as old people years down the road!!!! In my head, he was Mr.Wonderful and in my head, he was all the magical things that I am looking for in a soul mate.
I made Him up in my head before I even got to know Him. I was telling my Mom
"As I picked up a steak knife..... "See this knife? Most people will simply see it as a knife, and use it for things that you would use a knife for. People like Me? Well, I don't just see a knife....I say to myself Well, if you turn it on it's side it can be a mirror, or you can use it as a fork, or maybe just a pretty art piece. NO, IT's A FREAKING KNIFE!!!"
Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are, believe them". I'm not there yet. I'm still trying to make people something they are not....and they don't even see it coming. When I realize that they are different from my fantasy, I ACT SHOCKED, HURT and SURPRISED!!!! I'm not well.
Good thing is....I see this now.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
the ONE THING that I am dreading the most is making sure my house is SPOT clean before they get here. Ugh. Will THAT ever change?
OMG - Same thing here. Exact same thing. I do NOT want anyone near my house unless it's spot clean. Thing is it never is. I have 2 kids for petes sake.
As far as dating, I'm so not ready. I have someone I've known forever on FB pming me. I know what he's doing and I'm so not interested. He's a good guy, good looking etc, but so not interested.
That's weird about the house thing...
OMG - Same thing here. Exact same thing. I do NOT want anyone near my house unless it's spot clean. Thing is it never is. I have 2 kids for petes sake.
As far as dating, I'm so not ready. I have someone I've known forever on FB pming me. I know what he's doing and I'm so not interested. He's a good guy, good looking etc, but so not interested.
That's weird about the house thing...
work in progress
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Okay, no shocker here...I bowed out tonight. The thought of going to a nightclub at the moment is the LAST thing I want to do. I started to feel obligated to just "go out"....but that place, my dear friends...was not on my social menu...not yet. Not to mention the fact that I was going to be with "trained professionals" or power drinkers. Can't do it.
Oh well....maybe I'll get asked to an art show, or a movie, or bowling or something like that next time.
In the meantime...I will start my "Eat Pray Love" book tonight.
Bonus: I had to work today and I am so tired...so I didn't have to rush home and make sure my house was spotless before I went out!!! HAhahaaaa!!!!!
Hey Callie...I remember when I first came here I mentioned a cleaning product (Fabuloso) that I loved so much. I remember JUST HOW MANY people responded to that one!! There are a lot of "cleaners" on here! ANd BTW...I have 5 cats and 2 long haired dogs...and they are all shedding LIKE MAD!!! I bought a Furminator (that thing is amazing!!!) but I still have to sweep and mop every single day. Sometimes more than once!!!! I'm pooped.
Oh well....maybe I'll get asked to an art show, or a movie, or bowling or something like that next time.
In the meantime...I will start my "Eat Pray Love" book tonight.
Bonus: I had to work today and I am so tired...so I didn't have to rush home and make sure my house was spotless before I went out!!! HAhahaaaa!!!!!
Hey Callie...I remember when I first came here I mentioned a cleaning product (Fabuloso) that I loved so much. I remember JUST HOW MANY people responded to that one!! There are a lot of "cleaners" on here! ANd BTW...I have 5 cats and 2 long haired dogs...and they are all shedding LIKE MAD!!! I bought a Furminator (that thing is amazing!!!) but I still have to sweep and mop every single day. Sometimes more than once!!!! I'm pooped.
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