Feeling low
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Feeling low
Just can't snap out of it today. felt good for the last cuople of days, but today just feeling so tired and tense, I just can't stand this pain any more.
last night I found a wet towel in dirty laundry I took it out and it had blood on it. Quite a bit. I freaked. I just can't handle any more sh**.
I phoned AH and he said he cut his neck shaving. Maybe he did but to me it looked like an awfully lot of blood from shave cut. So maybe it's true but maybe it's not. I don't even know why did I get so worked up over it. I know it's not my business, but yet I can't bring myself to find a blooded towel and act like it's the most normal thing and just go on with my business. I had enough of drama.
I want it to end.
I asked him again yesterday has he found a place to stay. And he said he's looking. I don't think he really is. I think he's waiting for me to cave in.
I just can't talk to him any more about it or anything else for that matter. I don't want to. I just want him gone. How do I achieve that without angaging in yet another conversation with him? I don't want to give him space to manipulate me.
I know this is just one bad day, and I know there will be plenty more of those before I recover, but it feels horrible right now.
What would you do?
last night I found a wet towel in dirty laundry I took it out and it had blood on it. Quite a bit. I freaked. I just can't handle any more sh**.
I phoned AH and he said he cut his neck shaving. Maybe he did but to me it looked like an awfully lot of blood from shave cut. So maybe it's true but maybe it's not. I don't even know why did I get so worked up over it. I know it's not my business, but yet I can't bring myself to find a blooded towel and act like it's the most normal thing and just go on with my business. I had enough of drama.
I want it to end.
I asked him again yesterday has he found a place to stay. And he said he's looking. I don't think he really is. I think he's waiting for me to cave in.
I just can't talk to him any more about it or anything else for that matter. I don't want to. I just want him gone. How do I achieve that without angaging in yet another conversation with him? I don't want to give him space to manipulate me.
I know this is just one bad day, and I know there will be plenty more of those before I recover, but it feels horrible right now.
What would you do?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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I don't know what you should do, sesh. I just wanted to acknowledge your post and let you know that I know how you feel. It is difficult to occupy the same space with so much disharmony. I think it's about setting up the mental space in your mind at this point until you can have separate physical spaces. Find the good spots in the day. You said you called him up to ask him about the towel. That means he's not there. Goodie--you can enjoy your home, you can go out for a walk, you can talk and play with your kids. Later he may come home and I know it's difficult to ignore them, to wait for the next confrontation, to live in that negative energy. But right now, at this moment, you don't have to.
As I mentioned in another post, Byron Katie is helping me a LOT understand what is reality and what is simply in my own head and untrue. Loving What Is is a great book. I am currently reading A Thousand Names for Joy. I like to also give myself a "booster shot" of a few paragraphs when my stomach starts doing flip-flops and I start thinking wildly.
As I mentioned in another post, Byron Katie is helping me a LOT understand what is reality and what is simply in my own head and untrue. Loving What Is is a great book. I am currently reading A Thousand Names for Joy. I like to also give myself a "booster shot" of a few paragraphs when my stomach starts doing flip-flops and I start thinking wildly.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Can you not see a solicitor or go the legal way to get him out?
I know its hard but if there is a chance that he could manipulate you and with you feeling so down at the minute you dont want to be dragged back in to a relationship with him.
What are your options where you live?
Or even try looking for a place for him.
Dont let him manipulate you,remember you will just be as unhappy in a relationship with him than not.
You have nothing to lose,the way you feel now will still be there when he is gone you have nothing to lose.
I know its hard but if there is a chance that he could manipulate you and with you feeling so down at the minute you dont want to be dragged back in to a relationship with him.
What are your options where you live?
Or even try looking for a place for him.
Dont let him manipulate you,remember you will just be as unhappy in a relationship with him than not.
You have nothing to lose,the way you feel now will still be there when he is gone you have nothing to lose.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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it may well be that he is not looking for a place, and is going to drag his feet for a long time. it might be intentional, to wear you down, or wait for you to change your mind, or it might just be the way he is - poor follow-through is a trademark i think.
so...what can you do? maybe instead of asking every few days how the home-hunting is going, you can have a calm discussion about it. tell him that you don't want to check up on the progress, don't want to get in his way of finding the solution (to where he should live) so you think that a deadline is in order? i wanted mine out so badly i almost told him he needed to leave right now - whether he stayed with a friend, or in a motel, i didn't care. i didn't, and he was respectful and got an apt and stayed til he could move in, i felt lucky there was no drama or guilting on his part.
yes, you're gonna have some bad days. it's part of the deal. you are still moving forward.
so...what can you do? maybe instead of asking every few days how the home-hunting is going, you can have a calm discussion about it. tell him that you don't want to check up on the progress, don't want to get in his way of finding the solution (to where he should live) so you think that a deadline is in order? i wanted mine out so badly i almost told him he needed to leave right now - whether he stayed with a friend, or in a motel, i didn't care. i didn't, and he was respectful and got an apt and stayed til he could move in, i felt lucky there was no drama or guilting on his part.
yes, you're gonna have some bad days. it's part of the deal. you are still moving forward.
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Can you take a break and physically remove yourself from the situation for a little while? Go on holiday or stay with some friends for a little while? If he sees you making a definitive action without him it might show him you are serious about him moving out.
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I can't go away right now, as my kids are in school, and I don't want to leave them with AH. I could go and stay with my mum, but don't want to do that either as it doesn't make sense to me to leave and say I'm not coming back until you're gone or whatever, as this my house we're living in.
Coffee I think I'll do as you suggested, I wait until I'm calm and make a clear statement I want him out.
Last September I asked him to leave right away and he did and was staying with one friend or another, sleeping in all kind of places, and it drove me insane, as he looked as a bum, and this being small town and everything I just can't put my kids through it again. I need him to have a proper place to stay before I can move on. I did tell him I'll pay for his rent. I know many of you think that's not a smart thing to do, but with my kids best interest in mind, I can only separate from him under these terms. Now as I'm writing this I'm begining to question it too.
I have no hope he will change, even if left with no place to stay and any money. If I did I maybe wouldn't do it, and I'd hope he'll find his way. But since I don't I just think by not doing so I'd just expose my kids to more pain.
This is definetely not my day. I don't even know what I'm talking about here. My head is proper mess. Hope tomorrow is better.
Thanks for your support
Coffee I think I'll do as you suggested, I wait until I'm calm and make a clear statement I want him out.
Last September I asked him to leave right away and he did and was staying with one friend or another, sleeping in all kind of places, and it drove me insane, as he looked as a bum, and this being small town and everything I just can't put my kids through it again. I need him to have a proper place to stay before I can move on. I did tell him I'll pay for his rent. I know many of you think that's not a smart thing to do, but with my kids best interest in mind, I can only separate from him under these terms. Now as I'm writing this I'm begining to question it too.
I have no hope he will change, even if left with no place to stay and any money. If I did I maybe wouldn't do it, and I'd hope he'll find his way. But since I don't I just think by not doing so I'd just expose my kids to more pain.
This is definetely not my day. I don't even know what I'm talking about here. My head is proper mess. Hope tomorrow is better.
Thanks for your support
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Sesh,
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today.
I saw you were following Mamboqueen's thread. Did any of the responses there help? I thought your worries might be similar.
I've read here so many times that we can't make other people take care of themselves...
1234
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad today.
I saw you were following Mamboqueen's thread. Did any of the responses there help? I thought your worries might be similar.
I've read here so many times that we can't make other people take care of themselves...
1234
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Location: Alaska
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Originally Posted by sesh 
Last September I asked him to leave right away and he did and was staying with one friend or another, sleeping in all kind of places, and it drove me insane, as he looked as a bum, and this being small town and everything I just can't put my kids through it again. I need him to have a proper place to stay before I can move on. I did tell him I'll pay for his rent. I know many of you think that's not a smart thing to do, but with my kids best interest in mind, I can only separate from him under these terms. Now as I'm writing this I'm begining to question it too.
After that, AH did exactly the thing you're describing - couch surfing at friends' houses. He then found a home with someone that let him keep drinking and supported his problem, so that was not and still is not ideal.
Regardless of the town's size, it's never easy for kids to see one of their parents engaged in unhealthy and pitiful actions. However, it will help if you're upfront with your kids about your AH's problem, how other people may perceive it, and the actual reality of it, in a manner appropriate for their ages.
It's hard to do. It's painful to watch your kids deal with the pain related to other people's perceptions of their father while at the same time dealing with your own hurt. But they will be able to rely on at least one parent - you - to support them, protect them, tell them the truth, and give them a safe and healthier home environment. You will also be modelling for them how to set and keep boundaries.
I know I wouldn't have been able to pay for my AH's apartment, but if you're willing to do that and that's what you feel you need to do, then do so. The only caveat I can see is that it may further enable his drinking - whatever money he should be spending on rent would then be available for drinking....
Whatever you decide to do, if you do it for yourself and your kids, it will be the right choice.
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sesh I am sorry you are in the place you are right now. It is hard. I have been there and it is different for everyone. My A never truly moved out. We bought the house together and I could not work 2 jobs anymore to pay the mortgage-take that back. I did not want to work 2 jobs anymore when there was a perfectly fit and able body who could work and help pay the mortgage.
I filed for divorce and he was allowed the house during the day (said he needed to be because he was self employed). He was told no overnight visitation with the kids until he found proper housing. He stayed with his brother and yes, he too looked like hell. But it was the hell he had created for himself. I did not put him there and I was not putting my kids with him in a bad place. The house sold and he still did not find a place to live. I bought a new house and at one point he actually told our older DS that maybe mama would let him move in until he found a place to live. There was no way that was going to happen and I let my kids know that--and that their dad, if he wanted, could find a place to live.
The impetus for him to finally get an apartment took place 2 weeks ago when I finally got myself a real lawyer. I am sure his attorney told him that I was not going to mess around anymore and that if he had any intention of ever seeing his children he better find a place to live. He did. Do I like the place he lives and am I happy the kids go there. No--but it is not horrible. If at some time I feel they are not safe there I will have to petition the court and change visitation.
It is not easy to get to the point to have them leave. For me, he made it easy because he became violent. You will know when it is time to let him know you no longer want him in the house.
(((((((HUG)))))))
I filed for divorce and he was allowed the house during the day (said he needed to be because he was self employed). He was told no overnight visitation with the kids until he found proper housing. He stayed with his brother and yes, he too looked like hell. But it was the hell he had created for himself. I did not put him there and I was not putting my kids with him in a bad place. The house sold and he still did not find a place to live. I bought a new house and at one point he actually told our older DS that maybe mama would let him move in until he found a place to live. There was no way that was going to happen and I let my kids know that--and that their dad, if he wanted, could find a place to live.
The impetus for him to finally get an apartment took place 2 weeks ago when I finally got myself a real lawyer. I am sure his attorney told him that I was not going to mess around anymore and that if he had any intention of ever seeing his children he better find a place to live. He did. Do I like the place he lives and am I happy the kids go there. No--but it is not horrible. If at some time I feel they are not safe there I will have to petition the court and change visitation.
It is not easy to get to the point to have them leave. For me, he made it easy because he became violent. You will know when it is time to let him know you no longer want him in the house.
(((((((HUG)))))))
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Thanks 
I'm feeling much better now, and the reason for it has me thinking. This afternoon I talked to AH again, I mean we were in the same room but I talked to him, not with him as he hardly said anyting (again). So AGAIN I said all those things I said so many times before together with I really want him to leave. He only said I'm not right (re: him being an alcoholic and lousy H and F), and I was never supportive of him (so not true) and it is not fair that I'm saying he's the only one to blame.
We finished with me saying he's completely insane and I want him to leave.
And afterwords I felt ok. So this is what's worring me: Am I really so disturbed that I can only acctually feel ok if I have this drama of talking to him and saying all these things? Why did I do it when I know there is no point in talking to him, he's not getting it.
And still I manage to feel amazed with a fact he doesn't get it.
Is it only because it is so hard to break from old patterns, or there is more to it that needs to be adressed?
Was I only releasing my anger and felt ok because of it?
In all honesty I have no idea.
But it's also making me feel like an idiot, because I ask myself some questions I figure the answers, it feels good, I know it, I accept it, and short time later I'm back at the same questions. Is it because what I'm facing is so incomprehensible to my mind?
I just wish I could take things for what they are: He doesn't get it, I can't live like this any more, we each go our separate ways, end of story...
If it only could be that easy...
I'm feeling much better now, and the reason for it has me thinking. This afternoon I talked to AH again, I mean we were in the same room but I talked to him, not with him as he hardly said anyting (again). So AGAIN I said all those things I said so many times before together with I really want him to leave. He only said I'm not right (re: him being an alcoholic and lousy H and F), and I was never supportive of him (so not true) and it is not fair that I'm saying he's the only one to blame.
We finished with me saying he's completely insane and I want him to leave.
And afterwords I felt ok. So this is what's worring me: Am I really so disturbed that I can only acctually feel ok if I have this drama of talking to him and saying all these things? Why did I do it when I know there is no point in talking to him, he's not getting it.
And still I manage to feel amazed with a fact he doesn't get it.
Is it only because it is so hard to break from old patterns, or there is more to it that needs to be adressed?
Was I only releasing my anger and felt ok because of it?
In all honesty I have no idea.
But it's also making me feel like an idiot, because I ask myself some questions I figure the answers, it feels good, I know it, I accept it, and short time later I'm back at the same questions. Is it because what I'm facing is so incomprehensible to my mind?
I just wish I could take things for what they are: He doesn't get it, I can't live like this any more, we each go our separate ways, end of story...
If it only could be that easy...
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Originally Posted by 1234
Sesh,
I saw you were following Mamboqueen's thread. Did any of the responses there help? I thought your worries might be similar.
1234
I saw you were following Mamboqueen's thread. Did any of the responses there help? I thought your worries might be similar.
1234
I guess the smart thing to say would be, I'm learning from it that I need to remove myself from the situation as soon as can so I can detach enough by the time it happens, but unfortunatelly I'm not. I just makes me to want to prevent it. Stupid, I know.
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This is turning into my diary, but I really need to share and have your thoughts on it so I can stay on the right path.
Feeling better today and admitted to myself yet again I let him manipulate me into same old patterns. He knows how to push my buttons, and he keeps doing it. And it so subtle, he knows he just needs to ignore me and act a bit hurt. I never fail to repsond to it.
But I did last night, and I feel proud of myself. He kept coming in the room I sleep in and asking me to join him in the bedroom. I said no, and than dind't even say anything, he kept asking and I kept my mouth shut. So I guess he too got a taste of what's like not to be aknowledged when talking. It wasn't revenge, I just thought is insane he's even asking something like that and dind't want to talk to him. On his sixth or so visit to my room he came over to the bed and tried to hug me and said: "It's not about sex, I just need you". And I said: "Are you for real? How about me needing you all these years and you were never there for me. It's over. Please leave my room."
And that was it.
But honestly Is he for real?
And it made me realize all these years I've been such an easy target, I've teached him he can treat me this way.
And I'm not even angry with him, it's my own fault I'm at this place right now. I'm the one who let it happen. OK, I know I did the best I could, but I guess he feels the same way, and how some other person can be responsible for the mess in my life?
It's hard to admit this. Am I wrong to think this?
Feeling better today and admitted to myself yet again I let him manipulate me into same old patterns. He knows how to push my buttons, and he keeps doing it. And it so subtle, he knows he just needs to ignore me and act a bit hurt. I never fail to repsond to it.
But I did last night, and I feel proud of myself. He kept coming in the room I sleep in and asking me to join him in the bedroom. I said no, and than dind't even say anything, he kept asking and I kept my mouth shut. So I guess he too got a taste of what's like not to be aknowledged when talking. It wasn't revenge, I just thought is insane he's even asking something like that and dind't want to talk to him. On his sixth or so visit to my room he came over to the bed and tried to hug me and said: "It's not about sex, I just need you". And I said: "Are you for real? How about me needing you all these years and you were never there for me. It's over. Please leave my room."
And that was it.
But honestly Is he for real?
And it made me realize all these years I've been such an easy target, I've teached him he can treat me this way.
And I'm not even angry with him, it's my own fault I'm at this place right now. I'm the one who let it happen. OK, I know I did the best I could, but I guess he feels the same way, and how some other person can be responsible for the mess in my life?
It's hard to admit this. Am I wrong to think this?
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sesh-
have you seen a lawyer? if it's your house, then it would be good to get some legal advice on your rights to getting him out.
and you might want to rethink paying for his rent.
the best plan is the plan where you don't rely on him for anything. make your plan and execute it. you will feel better once you have a plan.
as for him coming into the bedroom repeatedly, mine would do the same. really, sex was the furthest thing from my mind...how could i have sex with someone i couldn't even have a proper conversation with?
crazy making, for sure.
naive
have you seen a lawyer? if it's your house, then it would be good to get some legal advice on your rights to getting him out.
and you might want to rethink paying for his rent.
the best plan is the plan where you don't rely on him for anything. make your plan and execute it. you will feel better once you have a plan.
as for him coming into the bedroom repeatedly, mine would do the same. really, sex was the furthest thing from my mind...how could i have sex with someone i couldn't even have a proper conversation with?
crazy making, for sure.
naive
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No I haven't seen a lawyer. I'm just not ready to do that yet. It's not because I want to still be married to him, it's because in order to have a peace of my mind I have to finish this as nicely as possible. And if I get a lawyer right now, he'll be hurt and leave right away, so he's back at where he was last September, and as I said I can't do that to our kids. Just can't. Not possible for me to do that. I know that is harder on me, but my kids come first, and I have to protect them as much as I can.
Also, this might sound horrible, but I don't think he's going to be alive much longer, so that kind of deminishes the need for legal divorce, as somehow I feel why go through all legal drama when soon it's not going to matter anyways.
It's not like I can't make him leave, if I told him to leave right away he'll do it. But you know why I don't want that. And it's making him think he still has some maneuvre space left.
So I guess it's about time you ask me: So WTF you want than?
I guess I want to make time go faster, and the pain to go away. And maybe to learn to put myself first, just sometimes.
And I definetely want to stop thinking about it 24/7. I keep waking up during night, and each time I wake up I realize I was dreaming of writing here or reading your posts, and there are all these infos rushing in my head and spinning around it, things I know, things I want to know, things I don't want to know. It's like I've woken up from a coma with amnesia and nothing makes sense any more, everyting seems right and wrong in the same time.
Also, this might sound horrible, but I don't think he's going to be alive much longer, so that kind of deminishes the need for legal divorce, as somehow I feel why go through all legal drama when soon it's not going to matter anyways.
It's not like I can't make him leave, if I told him to leave right away he'll do it. But you know why I don't want that. And it's making him think he still has some maneuvre space left.
So I guess it's about time you ask me: So WTF you want than?
I guess I want to make time go faster, and the pain to go away. And maybe to learn to put myself first, just sometimes.
And I definetely want to stop thinking about it 24/7. I keep waking up during night, and each time I wake up I realize I was dreaming of writing here or reading your posts, and there are all these infos rushing in my head and spinning around it, things I know, things I want to know, things I don't want to know. It's like I've woken up from a coma with amnesia and nothing makes sense any more, everyting seems right and wrong in the same time.
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Originally Posted by sesh
So I guess it's about time you ask me: So WTF you want than?
I guess I want to make time go faster, and the pain to go away. And maybe to learn to put myself first, just sometimes.
I guess I want to make time go faster, and the pain to go away. And maybe to learn to put myself first, just sometimes.
Your paradigm seems to be (whether on a conscious or subconscious level) to find a way around the pain - by avoidance, procrastination, not upsetting the status quo (or children), etc.
But to get past the pain, you must go through it - to make it to the other side where peace awaits. We must do this for fears, grief, and many processes in life in which we wish to achieve mastery - this is the journey of life, to go THROUGH it. And those who try to cheat the process typically get stuck, incapacitated, stunted.
The question arises: is your angst the result of what HE'S doing, or the result of the corner you feel trapped in, that you have painted yourself into, due to your own choices?
These are neutral, not personal, observations of pattern, not statements of judgment on your path, by the way. We all fit these patterns. We all have a first instinct to go around painful things, not through them. We all need to examine our paradigms, to see where we are operating, and then ask ourselves if a paradigm shift may be called for.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
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Originally Posted by catlovermi
But to get past the pain, you must go through it - to make it to the other side where peace awaits. We must do this for fears, grief, and many processes in life in which we wish to achieve mastery - this is the journey of life, to go THROUGH it.
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sesh-
i'm a bit confused here. you just want him gone and if you ask him, you say he will go.
am i missing something?
i'm concerned for you. i can't see how living in this type of environment is healthy for you or the children.
i understand wanting things to end nicely, but unfortunately this is not a nice disease and it often doesn't end very nicely. do you want to witness this? do you want your children to have a front row seat to his illness, your anxiety, the dysfunction?
when i left, i left him half of my things because i wanted things to end nicely. i left him the bed, some sheets, the cooking things, lights, stereo, ipod, etc. i couldn't bare the thought of him not at least having a soft place to put his head down or be able to cook a meal.
do you know what he did? he took a lover and the two of them slept on my bed and trashed the kitchen. i saw it. honestly, dogs wouldn't live that way. there were no sheets on the bed, the curtains were on the floor, every dish in the house was soiled in a filthy kitchen. there was no soap, all the linens and towels were lying on a heap on the floor. the energy of the place made me sick.
so, i left him the flat and the things and moved on myself with very little. i actually regret this now, as he proceeded to steal my car and my bicycle afterwards.
anyway, since you want to leave him comfortable, what about you renting a flat with the deed in his name and pay maybe a few months upfront and leave the rest to him?
naive
i'm a bit confused here. you just want him gone and if you ask him, you say he will go.
am i missing something?
i'm concerned for you. i can't see how living in this type of environment is healthy for you or the children.
i understand wanting things to end nicely, but unfortunately this is not a nice disease and it often doesn't end very nicely. do you want to witness this? do you want your children to have a front row seat to his illness, your anxiety, the dysfunction?
when i left, i left him half of my things because i wanted things to end nicely. i left him the bed, some sheets, the cooking things, lights, stereo, ipod, etc. i couldn't bare the thought of him not at least having a soft place to put his head down or be able to cook a meal.
do you know what he did? he took a lover and the two of them slept on my bed and trashed the kitchen. i saw it. honestly, dogs wouldn't live that way. there were no sheets on the bed, the curtains were on the floor, every dish in the house was soiled in a filthy kitchen. there was no soap, all the linens and towels were lying on a heap on the floor. the energy of the place made me sick.
so, i left him the flat and the things and moved on myself with very little. i actually regret this now, as he proceeded to steal my car and my bicycle afterwards.
anyway, since you want to leave him comfortable, what about you renting a flat with the deed in his name and pay maybe a few months upfront and leave the rest to him?
naive
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I have to say, I love this place.
Thanks CLMI, you gave me so much to think about.
I do keep looking for a easy way out, and it's making me stay stuck. I'm afraid I will not be able to stand the pain. That I'm not strong enough.
I don't know why I feel this way. But I do most definetely feel trapped. I don't know do I find it to be his doing or mine. I guess I'm too stuck in this whole mess we managed to make of our lives it's impossible to tell where he stops and I begin.
My star sign is cancer, I'm not really into horoscop and such things, but you know how they say the cancer sign people are all about family and willing to go through anything to protect it and make it work. I find this to be true in my case.
My worst fear is loosing my family. And I'm facing it now. And being it my worst fear I feel I won't be able to bear that pain. it feels like the end of the world.
My best friend often tells me how she's amazed with a fact that since she (and many other people) considers me to be very together person, most rational and with very healthy outlook on life, the one she and others turn to for advice (and always follow it), the one that has most healthy relationships with people in general, when it comes to my family all of that is just gone. (and it's not only with my AH and kids, but with my mum and brother too). She believes it to be the place where all my problems start.
I know she's right. And yet I fail to see what can I do to change it.
So, maybe the answer to your question, that I'm asking myself too now is: I'm aware his doings are my problem only as much as I let them to be, so it's me that's put me into this position, but in the same time I'm anable to see how could I be anywhere else in the world doing anything but here trying to save my family, that I know can't be saved. So I have tied myself in this knot. I'm aware of it all, but unable to figure out what to do, what real actions I need to undertake to change this inside of me. As it's becoming clear now, since you've helped me understand this, my problems will not go away only by him leaving, I have to adress this issue for myself if I ever want to be healthy and happy again.
Again, thank you so much
Thanks CLMI, you gave me so much to think about.
I do keep looking for a easy way out, and it's making me stay stuck. I'm afraid I will not be able to stand the pain. That I'm not strong enough.
I don't know why I feel this way. But I do most definetely feel trapped. I don't know do I find it to be his doing or mine. I guess I'm too stuck in this whole mess we managed to make of our lives it's impossible to tell where he stops and I begin.
My star sign is cancer, I'm not really into horoscop and such things, but you know how they say the cancer sign people are all about family and willing to go through anything to protect it and make it work. I find this to be true in my case.
My worst fear is loosing my family. And I'm facing it now. And being it my worst fear I feel I won't be able to bear that pain. it feels like the end of the world.
My best friend often tells me how she's amazed with a fact that since she (and many other people) considers me to be very together person, most rational and with very healthy outlook on life, the one she and others turn to for advice (and always follow it), the one that has most healthy relationships with people in general, when it comes to my family all of that is just gone. (and it's not only with my AH and kids, but with my mum and brother too). She believes it to be the place where all my problems start.
I know she's right. And yet I fail to see what can I do to change it.
So, maybe the answer to your question, that I'm asking myself too now is: I'm aware his doings are my problem only as much as I let them to be, so it's me that's put me into this position, but in the same time I'm anable to see how could I be anywhere else in the world doing anything but here trying to save my family, that I know can't be saved. So I have tied myself in this knot. I'm aware of it all, but unable to figure out what to do, what real actions I need to undertake to change this inside of me. As it's becoming clear now, since you've helped me understand this, my problems will not go away only by him leaving, I have to adress this issue for myself if I ever want to be healthy and happy again.
Again, thank you so much
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Originally Posted by naive
sesh-
i'm a bit confused here. you just want him gone and if you ask him, you say he will go.
am i missing something?
i'm a bit confused here. you just want him gone and if you ask him, you say he will go.
am i missing something?
I think we were posting in the same time.
I meant to say if I asked him to leave right away, (before he finds the flat), he'd do it, but I don't want to do that because he'll end up doing the same thing he did last September, sleeping at one friend's or the other's, looking like a bam, carrying a small backpack with his staff all the time, and I don't want my kids to witness it, especially as he hangs out at this pub my kids have to pass by on their way to school. So whatever happens to him is going to be in our kids face all the time.
And for the rent, I'm not thinking about it like it's going to be permanent arrangement or not, it's just something I need to do now, for the reasons explained, as I'm comfortable to separate under that term, otherwise I'd feel worse. So it's not about him being comfortable, but me. I definetely reserve the right to change my decision about it any time. And yes it would be in his name, but I'm not going to pay it to the landlord, but to give to him, so he can finally be in a position to make some choices (pay the rent or drink it), so maybe it's like giving him yet another chance, not for the marriage, but for himself. I'm just not too good at giving up on people.
Do you all think I'm crazy?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Sesh,
Let's take a look at your paradigm of what it means to save your family.
Are you trying to salvage an Ozzie and Harriet life? Keep a unit intact with pretty house, mom, dad, happy kids? No divorce, no single parent household. No major changes?
Perhaps you would be better off trying to build the healthiest children who will learn the skills to become healthy adults as your paradigm for saving your family.
The steps for this are entirely different than to save an Ozzie and Harriet life. (Since you are in Europe, perhaps you are not familiar with Ozzie and Harriet. This was a popular TV show in the 50s or 60s that showed an ideal, happy family - happy housewife, doting father with steady job, kids with happy hobbies and funny problems - where all the tiny conflicts were easily and painlessly resolved in the 30 minute show time. Everyone wanted to live like that. The problem is it was a Hollywood fantasy - real life doesn't exist like this!!)
To build healthy children, you need to get them into a consistent and non-toxic environment, where they have a feeling of constancy and safety. Where they can feel free to express themselves, learn to address conflict and manage it, learn how to define themselves and feel what their boundaries are. None of these things happen around active addiction. Active addiction is chaotic, unpredictable, stressful, unsafe. Even if the addict is not threatening or abusive. Addictive addiction sucks all the attention and energy out of an environment, taints the air, so to speak. It's like trying to raise fish in polluted waters - you can only get so far, and can never get as far as if you remove those fish into clean, fresh water.
BTW - children are much less concerned about the Ozzie and Harriet life. What matters to them is whether they face abandonment. Many households with active addiction keep two parents, but both parents are emotionally absent or distracted from the nuances of the children's needs. This is abandonment. You can be right there, and be abandoning your children.
The objective is to create an environment where you CAN BE RIGHT THERE - physically, yes, but more important emotionally, for your children, always, and not distracted by something else. This is how you save your family.
Food for thought.
Look at the paradigms.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Let's take a look at your paradigm of what it means to save your family.
Are you trying to salvage an Ozzie and Harriet life? Keep a unit intact with pretty house, mom, dad, happy kids? No divorce, no single parent household. No major changes?
Perhaps you would be better off trying to build the healthiest children who will learn the skills to become healthy adults as your paradigm for saving your family.
The steps for this are entirely different than to save an Ozzie and Harriet life. (Since you are in Europe, perhaps you are not familiar with Ozzie and Harriet. This was a popular TV show in the 50s or 60s that showed an ideal, happy family - happy housewife, doting father with steady job, kids with happy hobbies and funny problems - where all the tiny conflicts were easily and painlessly resolved in the 30 minute show time. Everyone wanted to live like that. The problem is it was a Hollywood fantasy - real life doesn't exist like this!!)
To build healthy children, you need to get them into a consistent and non-toxic environment, where they have a feeling of constancy and safety. Where they can feel free to express themselves, learn to address conflict and manage it, learn how to define themselves and feel what their boundaries are. None of these things happen around active addiction. Active addiction is chaotic, unpredictable, stressful, unsafe. Even if the addict is not threatening or abusive. Addictive addiction sucks all the attention and energy out of an environment, taints the air, so to speak. It's like trying to raise fish in polluted waters - you can only get so far, and can never get as far as if you remove those fish into clean, fresh water.
BTW - children are much less concerned about the Ozzie and Harriet life. What matters to them is whether they face abandonment. Many households with active addiction keep two parents, but both parents are emotionally absent or distracted from the nuances of the children's needs. This is abandonment. You can be right there, and be abandoning your children.
The objective is to create an environment where you CAN BE RIGHT THERE - physically, yes, but more important emotionally, for your children, always, and not distracted by something else. This is how you save your family.
Food for thought.
Look at the paradigms.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
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