Healthy relationships
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Healthy relationships
Has anyone here been in a healthy relationship or know of someone who has after leaving an A? I know it shouldnt matter and I love my husband. Being in my child bearing years sometimes I wonder. So I thought I would ask and get some inspiration..
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Lulu
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Lulu
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I dont really know how to phrase is it any other way. Your posts sounds like you are questioning me. There is a question up there. Besides that maybe I wasnt clear and wanted to say sometimes I am tempted to start over.
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Lulu
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Lulu
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Hi Lulu...I have to agree with Anvil. I mean, are you asking because you don't want to have a child unless you know you can have a healthy relationship if you leave your A? (I don't know your history, but I am guessing that's who you are with?)
Are you wondering that you can only find a healthy relationship for yourself only if you know others have done it?
Are you saying that you are going to give up looking for a healthy relationship if no one here says they have been in one and the idea of having a child?
I think the fact that since you related child bearing to it is just a little confusing.
If you are quite simply wondering just in and of itself if people have found healthy relationships after one with an A, I can say with 100% certainty that there are many that have. It just takes a lot of inner work, and knowing what you will and absolutely will not put up with in your life.
Are you wondering that you can only find a healthy relationship for yourself only if you know others have done it?
Are you saying that you are going to give up looking for a healthy relationship if no one here says they have been in one and the idea of having a child?
I think the fact that since you related child bearing to it is just a little confusing.
If you are quite simply wondering just in and of itself if people have found healthy relationships after one with an A, I can say with 100% certainty that there are many that have. It just takes a lot of inner work, and knowing what you will and absolutely will not put up with in your life.
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The best relationship advice I ever got was right here on SR. Someone, a long time ago posted that if you want to have a healthy relationship, make a list of all the things you want in a partner. Loving, honest, vulnerable, independent, etc. Whatever you picture as the qualities that would create a healthy relationship.
Then, get to work to become that person. We can only have healthy relationships to the extent we are healthy ourselves.
L
Then, get to work to become that person. We can only have healthy relationships to the extent we are healthy ourselves.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 120
Are you wondering if you should leave him and hoping that if you do you are able to find someone else before it's too late for you to have children? If you are I feel the same. I'm 31 and lost my only pregnancy nearly 2 years ago. There is definitely a part of me that fears that whatever I do now my chance to be a mother has ended. I want my AH to get better and I want us to have a family together. It would probably be possible if he'd just mean it when he says all the right things. I know the longer I wait for him the more time is running out for me but I'm also terrified that if I leave him by the time I'm ready to date again and find the right guy I'll be much too old. I've always wanted children, I hate that I might never have any now.
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Lulu, Hmmmmmmmmm... I'm guessing the relationship you're in isn't striking you as "healthy?"
By all means healthy relationships, happy relationships, evolving, beautiful, respectful, joyful, durable relationships abound in this world.
But they don't just happen. I spent some time in therapy after my divorce trying to understand why I was able to pick and sustain such excellent friendships in my life but picked such lousy romantic partners!!!! Capital LOUSY!!!
Therapy helped me get my act together in the girl meets boy department. And I am in the best relationship of my life now. Time and tide may one day separate us but I will be OK because the reason I got things right in this relationship is because I did the hard painful work of getting things right with myself first. Not easy but worth it.
Trust your gut LuLu and as a child of and sister of alcoholics I'd think long and hard before having children with an active alcoholic!!!
peace-
b
By all means healthy relationships, happy relationships, evolving, beautiful, respectful, joyful, durable relationships abound in this world.
But they don't just happen. I spent some time in therapy after my divorce trying to understand why I was able to pick and sustain such excellent friendships in my life but picked such lousy romantic partners!!!! Capital LOUSY!!!
Therapy helped me get my act together in the girl meets boy department. And I am in the best relationship of my life now. Time and tide may one day separate us but I will be OK because the reason I got things right in this relationship is because I did the hard painful work of getting things right with myself first. Not easy but worth it.
Trust your gut LuLu and as a child of and sister of alcoholics I'd think long and hard before having children with an active alcoholic!!!
peace-
b
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Originally Posted by KittyP 
Are you wondering if you should leave him and hoping that if you do you are able to find someone else before it's too late for you to have children? If you are I feel the same. I'm 31 and lost my only pregnancy nearly 2 years ago. There is definitely a part of me that fears that whatever I do now my chance to be a mother has ended. I want my AH to get better and I want us to have a family together. It would probably be possible if he'd just mean it when he says all the right things. I know the longer I wait for him the more time is running out for me but I'm also terrified that if I leave him by the time I'm ready to date again and find the right guy I'll be much too old. I've always wanted children, I hate that I might never have any now.
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Originally Posted by Bernadette
Lulu, Hmmmmmmmmm... I'm guessing the relationship you're in isn't striking you as "healthy?"
By all means healthy relationships, happy relationships, evolving, beautiful, respectful, joyful, durable relationships abound in this world.
But they don't just happen. I spent some time in therapy after my divorce trying to understand why I was able to pick and sustain such excellent friendships in my life but picked such lousy romantic partners!!!! Capital LOUSY!!!
Therapy helped me get my act together in the girl meets boy department. And I am in the best relationship of my life now. Time and tide may one day separate us but I will be OK because the reason I got things right in this relationship is because I did the hard painful work of getting things right with myself first. Not easy but worth it.
Trust your gut LuLu and as a child of and sister of alcoholics I'd think long and hard before having children with an active alcoholic!!!
peace-
b
By all means healthy relationships, happy relationships, evolving, beautiful, respectful, joyful, durable relationships abound in this world.
But they don't just happen. I spent some time in therapy after my divorce trying to understand why I was able to pick and sustain such excellent friendships in my life but picked such lousy romantic partners!!!! Capital LOUSY!!!
Therapy helped me get my act together in the girl meets boy department. And I am in the best relationship of my life now. Time and tide may one day separate us but I will be OK because the reason I got things right in this relationship is because I did the hard painful work of getting things right with myself first. Not easy but worth it.
Trust your gut LuLu and as a child of and sister of alcoholics I'd think long and hard before having children with an active alcoholic!!!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 13
I have to respond to this post because I have to admit that I knew that I was/am married to an AH but somehow I gave myself permission to have a child with this man. I have to live my life and I wanted a child. Not for ONE day do I regret that joy this child has brought into my life. I think that I would be in a MUCH worse place if I put my life on hold waiting for him to hit his bottom. I have since asked AH to move out of the house and we may end up divorced. But I am living my life and working on me. I pray everyday to my HP that my child grows up healthy and strong and independent and I'm working on giving him and myself a healthy(er) environment to achieve that.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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I don't know if this will help or not, but shortly after filing for divorce from my A I reconnected with a past love. He had worked on himself a lot in our intervening years; I was just beginning to. While he has his issues, he tries his best to deal with them in healthy ways. Our relationship right now is unhealthy to the extent that I make it so by still being a codie and having to fight those tendencies in myself. That's not to say my bf is perfect; even if I was the healthiest person on the planet right now I think we would still have some ups and downs. But I can say that even with me still being a "work in progress" our relationship has felt very healthy to me in the way that we honestly communicate with each other and are honestly supportive of one another. And I do have hopes that perhaps we can commit to each other fully in the not-so-distant future once I have more recovery under my belt. For right now, we're monogamous, and talk on the phone every day, and spend one or two very nice nights with each other a week. So yes, I do believe it's possible, certainly. And if I had waited to start this relationship until I was more fully healthy myself, I think we'd be further along than we are currently.
And we talk about the child issue, too--I have one, he has none, but would maybe like one of his own. I don't know if the timing will work out on that; I turn 38 this summer. We shall see, but I don't necessarily rule it out yet.
And we talk about the child issue, too--I have one, he has none, but would maybe like one of his own. I don't know if the timing will work out on that; I turn 38 this summer. We shall see, but I don't necessarily rule it out yet.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Ahh, the tick tock tick tock of the biological clock...I know it well. Sometimes it's so loud I can barely hear myself think. 
I'm 33 and definitely thinking a lot about having kids. It was actually a big part of what helped me break free of the relationship with my ex. I kept thinking about how I only have a certain number of years left if I want to have kids and whether he would realistically be able to pull it together in that time. And even if he had actually gotten a few years of being clean under his belt and was working a solid recovery program, I knew that was no guarantee that he wouldn't relapse. If I'm going to have a child I want them to have two healthy parents who are fully committed to their development.
Being codependent, I wasn't able to really think about what was best for me at that point, but if I could think about what was best for my future children then that was enough to help me break free from the situation.
I'm 33 and definitely thinking a lot about having kids. It was actually a big part of what helped me break free of the relationship with my ex. I kept thinking about how I only have a certain number of years left if I want to have kids and whether he would realistically be able to pull it together in that time. And even if he had actually gotten a few years of being clean under his belt and was working a solid recovery program, I knew that was no guarantee that he wouldn't relapse. If I'm going to have a child I want them to have two healthy parents who are fully committed to their development.
Being codependent, I wasn't able to really think about what was best for me at that point, but if I could think about what was best for my future children then that was enough to help me break free from the situation.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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I am thinking that you can't have a healthy relationship with your husband while he is active in his addiction. If you really want a child pray about it. It won't be pretty if you have one with current situation. If you can wait, maybe is the answer. I you decide to leave, your chances are better. The last choice is to have one with current husband but expect to do this alone while having this person in your life to deal with.
I talk to many people about divorce and am surprised that many have children. They seem to forget that a divorce with children means a continued connection for life with this person. They often don't get it. A divorce doesn't not end the connection when children are involved. So think about this carefully.
If he gets sober there is always the chance of relapse. That will always be there. Tough choice.
I also have to agree with LTD - making a list of the kind of relationship you want will help to bring it about.
I currently am thankful that I do not have children with my husband. And there are times that I do not appreciate having a continued relationship with the father of my children. I wanted that relationship to end but it can't b/c of the kids. Thank God my former is cooperative most of the time - main problem is that he forgets often that we are not husband and wife only co parenting. It created a difficult situation in my current marriage - not any one's fault. A lot to consider.
I was wondering where you were on the subject since it didn't come up before.
I talk to many people about divorce and am surprised that many have children. They seem to forget that a divorce with children means a continued connection for life with this person. They often don't get it. A divorce doesn't not end the connection when children are involved. So think about this carefully.
If he gets sober there is always the chance of relapse. That will always be there. Tough choice.
I also have to agree with LTD - making a list of the kind of relationship you want will help to bring it about.
I currently am thankful that I do not have children with my husband. And there are times that I do not appreciate having a continued relationship with the father of my children. I wanted that relationship to end but it can't b/c of the kids. Thank God my former is cooperative most of the time - main problem is that he forgets often that we are not husband and wife only co parenting. It created a difficult situation in my current marriage - not any one's fault. A lot to consider.
I was wondering where you were on the subject since it didn't come up before.
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Originally Posted by Kassie2
The last choice is to have one with current husband but expect to do this alone while having this person in your life to deal with.
Lulu, I know you love your husband. Sometimes two people who love each other don't want the same things in life, though. There are two very important differences in your relationship - your view on having children, and his on sobriety. These are huge.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
The best relationship advice I ever got was right here on SR. Someone, a long time ago posted that if you want to have a healthy relationship, make a list of all the things you want in a partner. Loving, honest, vulnerable, independent, etc. Whatever you picture as the qualities that would create a healthy relationship.
Then, get to work to become that person. We can only have healthy relationships to the extent we are healthy ourselves.
L
Then, get to work to become that person. We can only have healthy relationships to the extent we are healthy ourselves.
L
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
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I know many people are warning you away from having a child and you probably already got the point, but I will share my story with you...because it was my pregnancy and having my baby boy that brought me to the place I am now (somewhere between acceptance and action). If I were in the place you are now before I got pregnant, I never would have done it. That being said, like many other mothers, my boy is the light of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me. But there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel guilt for bringing him into this unstable/toxic environment I try to sheild him from every day.
My AH has always been a partier and several years into our marriage he said he was ready to have kids. I wasn't ready. I already had a kid to take care of...him, and would rather wait until he grew up a bit and showed that he could be responsible enough to parent before we had an infant to care for. I stalled for awhile, but I was getting older...and at 35, I got pregnant. Like many other brief moments in our relationship, it was a storybook moment. I had been out of town for the week, and suspecting I might be pregnant, I stopped at the drugstore for a pregnancy test on the way home from the airport. Once home, I peed on the stick and together we waited for the results. Sure enough...not 20 seconds later, a positive test was clear as day. And we stared at each other in shock...and then hugged and screamed and ran around the house. Still in disbelief, we decided to go back out to the store and get another test in case the first 2 were wrong. And just in that short time from when I got home and then taking 2 tests, he pounded several beers...and went from slight buzzed...to drunk. And when we got to the store, he was hooting and hollaring 'we're pregnant, she's pregnant', and I was embarrassed he was so drunk and acting like a fool. It was pretty bad timing since it was smack in the middle of a long phase where he was drunk every night and eating pills like they were candy.
Anyway, what should have been a very happy period in our lives, turned out to be the very worst time in my life to date. I felt abandoned. And although I had been in denial about how grave his drinking problem really was, it was the first time I became acutely aware of the fact that I would always come 2nd to alcohol. This was the one time in my life I expected to be doted on, coddled, treated like a queen. It wasn't like that at all. I was very alone through the whole thing. He'd be out...unreachable for hours...although I usually knew exactly where to find him. I had a particularly emotional/depressing pregnancy so we fought all the time...and to this day, he still blames me for how estranged we got during that time. We have horses (at that time 4) that I cared for...and except for maybe 1-2x per week, up until I was 7 months pregnant I was still mucking stalls and lugging water buckets along with walking 4 dogs and working full time to support us. Well, it shouldn't have been a surprise with the amount of stress I was under, that our baby came 7 weeks early. By some dumb luck, my AH was not drunk the night my water broke and we were so blessed that our baby was healthy and strong for being so early.
Anyway, fast forward a year plus. My AH went to detox 11 months ago. And then started moderately drinking again about a month after that. And as expected, it has progressed and I'm sure will continue to progress. I think the best thing that happened as a result of his going to detox, is that I found Al-anon. And I began to learn about the disease. And I began to recognize how unhealthy I had become. And I started seeing a therapist. And I started to get well.
I did not intend to hijack your thread. I just see where you are in this process and wished I had the awareness I have now...the awareness you're fortunate to have, back before I became responsible for bringing my child into an unhealthy relationship. It is an enormous responsibility and I'm just praying I can be strong enough to do what's right by him.
My AH has always been a partier and several years into our marriage he said he was ready to have kids. I wasn't ready. I already had a kid to take care of...him, and would rather wait until he grew up a bit and showed that he could be responsible enough to parent before we had an infant to care for. I stalled for awhile, but I was getting older...and at 35, I got pregnant. Like many other brief moments in our relationship, it was a storybook moment. I had been out of town for the week, and suspecting I might be pregnant, I stopped at the drugstore for a pregnancy test on the way home from the airport. Once home, I peed on the stick and together we waited for the results. Sure enough...not 20 seconds later, a positive test was clear as day. And we stared at each other in shock...and then hugged and screamed and ran around the house. Still in disbelief, we decided to go back out to the store and get another test in case the first 2 were wrong. And just in that short time from when I got home and then taking 2 tests, he pounded several beers...and went from slight buzzed...to drunk. And when we got to the store, he was hooting and hollaring 'we're pregnant, she's pregnant', and I was embarrassed he was so drunk and acting like a fool. It was pretty bad timing since it was smack in the middle of a long phase where he was drunk every night and eating pills like they were candy.
Anyway, what should have been a very happy period in our lives, turned out to be the very worst time in my life to date. I felt abandoned. And although I had been in denial about how grave his drinking problem really was, it was the first time I became acutely aware of the fact that I would always come 2nd to alcohol. This was the one time in my life I expected to be doted on, coddled, treated like a queen. It wasn't like that at all. I was very alone through the whole thing. He'd be out...unreachable for hours...although I usually knew exactly where to find him. I had a particularly emotional/depressing pregnancy so we fought all the time...and to this day, he still blames me for how estranged we got during that time. We have horses (at that time 4) that I cared for...and except for maybe 1-2x per week, up until I was 7 months pregnant I was still mucking stalls and lugging water buckets along with walking 4 dogs and working full time to support us. Well, it shouldn't have been a surprise with the amount of stress I was under, that our baby came 7 weeks early. By some dumb luck, my AH was not drunk the night my water broke and we were so blessed that our baby was healthy and strong for being so early.
Anyway, fast forward a year plus. My AH went to detox 11 months ago. And then started moderately drinking again about a month after that. And as expected, it has progressed and I'm sure will continue to progress. I think the best thing that happened as a result of his going to detox, is that I found Al-anon. And I began to learn about the disease. And I began to recognize how unhealthy I had become. And I started seeing a therapist. And I started to get well.
I did not intend to hijack your thread. I just see where you are in this process and wished I had the awareness I have now...the awareness you're fortunate to have, back before I became responsible for bringing my child into an unhealthy relationship. It is an enormous responsibility and I'm just praying I can be strong enough to do what's right by him.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
I know exactly what you mean Lulu.
Im 33 and recently met a man who I thought could be the future father of my children and we could get married and live happily ever after - until I found out he was an A and I left him. Before that I was so bent on meeting someone to fulfil my dreams of one day having children. I have been divorced for 3 years and have had one miscarriage and one ectopic pregancy in the past.
However after I left this man my dreams have changed. No longer do I yearn to have children so much. No longer do I yearn to find the special man of my dreams that will rescue me and live happily ever after. I no longer feel the pressure to have children because my biological clock is ticking and all my friends are having them. I now know that the most important thing is to be happy within myself and to never be with a man just to fulfil my desires of one day being a mother.
Its really quite empowering and I never thought Id feel this way. Ill be damned if I ever let another man bring me down, cause me harm or give me false hope that he may one day give me all that I want, when it fact he wont.
Im 33 and recently met a man who I thought could be the future father of my children and we could get married and live happily ever after - until I found out he was an A and I left him. Before that I was so bent on meeting someone to fulfil my dreams of one day having children. I have been divorced for 3 years and have had one miscarriage and one ectopic pregancy in the past.
However after I left this man my dreams have changed. No longer do I yearn to have children so much. No longer do I yearn to find the special man of my dreams that will rescue me and live happily ever after. I no longer feel the pressure to have children because my biological clock is ticking and all my friends are having them. I now know that the most important thing is to be happy within myself and to never be with a man just to fulfil my desires of one day being a mother.
Its really quite empowering and I never thought Id feel this way. Ill be damned if I ever let another man bring me down, cause me harm or give me false hope that he may one day give me all that I want, when it fact he wont.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
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Originally Posted by Goodtillitsbad
I have to respond to this post because I have to admit that I knew that I was/am married to an AH but somehow I gave myself permission to have a child with this man. I have to live my life and I wanted a child. Not for ONE day do I regret that joy this child has brought into my life. I think that I would be in a MUCH worse place if I put my life on hold waiting for him to hit his bottom. I have since asked AH to move out of the house and we may end up divorced. But I am living my life and working on me. I pray everyday to my HP that my child grows up healthy and strong and independent and I'm working on giving him and myself a healthy(er) environment to achieve that.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 120
Someone Else your story sort of reminds me of mine. I was never very comfortable with AH's drinking as I'm not a very big drinker. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who drinks most nights. Even a nightly beer or glass of wine seems like overkill to me but I know a huge amount of people drink like this and don't have a problem. So I thought for a long time that my unhappiness with his drinking was down to my own slightly 'puritanical' outlook.
We waited years to start a family for the sake of his career (we were 23 and 24 when we met) but the compromise on our waiting was that we could save and invest money so that by the time we did have a family I could be a SAHM. Two years ago our money situation was very good, I did up and sold our house and with the profit we were only a few years away from buying a house outright with no mortgage. I had quit work in order to do up and sell the house and once we moved we decided to start a family. I got pregnant first try and seeing the positive test was honestly the best moment of my life. But from that moment onward he was almost constantly drunk. Initially I didn't realise, when he was sick in the mornings I thought it was nerves and joked that I was the one who should have morning sickness.
Then I lost the baby and he was just crap. He was cranky and stayed up at night drinking while I'd go to bed and cry. There were times where he was lovely and took care of me but it was so inconsistent, I realised I couldn't rely on him. I know he was hurting too, but he was just a jerk a lot of the time and he made me feel so much worse. I was so depressed and unhappy but the good thing was that it really opened my eyes to his drinking. Denial and enabling takes energy and I just didn't have that energy anymore. Before if he passed out downstairs, I put him to bed. Then I just left him. If he was sick I cleaned him up but at that point I just didn't care and left him to deal with it. It took a few months but after a particularly crap christmas and new year I couldn't ignore his drinking anymore.
I told him I didn't want to try for another baby until he quit drinking and was consistently sober. He still talks so much about having a new baby. He has a nickname for it and he's bought it toys that he keeps with the teddy we bought for the first baby. He has plans for it and discusses names and what we'll all do together. It absolutely kills me because I know that by walking away that baby will never be exist and I already love it. But I don't think it will happen, he agrees that we shouldn't have a baby while he is like this because he wants to be a good dad. He's sworn he will get better because he wants me and our future children more than anything. But his actions say the opposite and I'm going to have to take my chance with starting over if things don't change fast.
We waited years to start a family for the sake of his career (we were 23 and 24 when we met) but the compromise on our waiting was that we could save and invest money so that by the time we did have a family I could be a SAHM. Two years ago our money situation was very good, I did up and sold our house and with the profit we were only a few years away from buying a house outright with no mortgage. I had quit work in order to do up and sell the house and once we moved we decided to start a family. I got pregnant first try and seeing the positive test was honestly the best moment of my life. But from that moment onward he was almost constantly drunk. Initially I didn't realise, when he was sick in the mornings I thought it was nerves and joked that I was the one who should have morning sickness.
Then I lost the baby and he was just crap. He was cranky and stayed up at night drinking while I'd go to bed and cry. There were times where he was lovely and took care of me but it was so inconsistent, I realised I couldn't rely on him. I know he was hurting too, but he was just a jerk a lot of the time and he made me feel so much worse. I was so depressed and unhappy but the good thing was that it really opened my eyes to his drinking. Denial and enabling takes energy and I just didn't have that energy anymore. Before if he passed out downstairs, I put him to bed. Then I just left him. If he was sick I cleaned him up but at that point I just didn't care and left him to deal with it. It took a few months but after a particularly crap christmas and new year I couldn't ignore his drinking anymore.
I told him I didn't want to try for another baby until he quit drinking and was consistently sober. He still talks so much about having a new baby. He has a nickname for it and he's bought it toys that he keeps with the teddy we bought for the first baby. He has plans for it and discusses names and what we'll all do together. It absolutely kills me because I know that by walking away that baby will never be exist and I already love it. But I don't think it will happen, he agrees that we shouldn't have a baby while he is like this because he wants to be a good dad. He's sworn he will get better because he wants me and our future children more than anything. But his actions say the opposite and I'm going to have to take my chance with starting over if things don't change fast.
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