The Right to a Healthy Relationship
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The Right to a Healthy Relationship
Was browsing on the Psychology Today website today and came across this article that I thought might be useful to post an extract of on here.
The Right To A Healthy Relationship | Psychology Today
These tips are particularly helpful, I think.
Changing A Victim Pattern
1. Simply getting out is not the answer. Everyone who cares about you will say "Just Leave!" and believe the problem ends there. For most, no contact is the best approach. If you must have contact (children, job etc.) clearly define the boundaries and stick to them.
2. Once you are out, a painful process of grieving and withdrawal will follow the few short days of relief. You need serious help and support to stay away.
3. Months down the road you will begin to feel better and think you have recovered but the pattern may be lurking beneath the surface and reappear with the same person or someone new. Now that you feel better you may be more at risk than ever.
4. Use therapy to get clear about how (in some detail) you found yourself in this relationship - maybe you knew he/she had abused a previous partner, drinks too much, does drugs or is mentally ill. It is likely that you were not the first victim. You might have been told early on about his/her abusive father or depressed mother, or abandonment. What made you ignore the signs? Was it your own childhood, loneliness, familiarity, sexual chemistry, rebounding from another loss, or being blinded by the intensity and passion of being wanted? Understanding yourself will help you to stay out and avoid another bad relationship. It does not mean it was your fault.
5. Get honest about your relationship history. What was your pattern in your past relationships? Did you choose or get chosen? Did you want to be wanted so badly that a person with intensity, jealousy and drama made you feel more loved? Were you afraid to be alone and willing to put up with anything to avoid it? Were you embarrassed by your mistake and afraid to disappoint your family or admit you did it again? Were you feeling empowered by the brokenness of another person? Being needed can be a rush for a short time. We all need to attach but being the only one who understands an abusive partner is a very unhealthy form of attachment.
6. What is your worst fear when you imagine actually being loved by an equal, safe, and committed partner? Take a long time to ponder this question. It is the most important question of all. Frankly, it could take years to answer but the process will change your life and your choices forever.
7. Beginning with close friendships (Only people with whom you would never have a romantic interest) learn to love and be loved. Develop healthy boundaries in all areas of your life. Learn to say no and to ask for what you need. Learn to live with joy and without drama, except the kind of drama life can throw at you but you did not cause. While you are working on this do not succumb to friends' encouragement to get back out there until you know yourself well.
8. If you want an intimate relationship and Yes, you do have a choice, begin to develop a list of wants ( i.e. preferences - tall, dancer etc.) and needs (e.g. stable, non-smoker with a job). Ask for help from a healthy friend who knows you. Wants are nice but you can live without them. Needs are absolute deal breakers based on your knowledge of yourself. There should be only a few very important items on the needs list. If you meet someone who doesn't have the thing you need - right now, today, as is, then keep walking. For instance: If you know that you personally need stability and always will, don't spend any time with someone who is unstable even it they are insisting that it is only temporary and they will be stable soon. Make "As Is" your new policy. If a person smokes or has a temper when you meet them, assume they always will.
9. Live your life. Keep your search for a partner in the background, not as the center or foundation of your life. Take care of your money, your health and your relationships with family and friends. Seek balance, steer clear of unnecessary negative drama and be sure to include regular doses of joy and laughter.
10. Thus, healthy love is more likely to find you and you will know when you see it.
The Right To A Healthy Relationship | Psychology Today
These tips are particularly helpful, I think.
Changing A Victim Pattern
1. Simply getting out is not the answer. Everyone who cares about you will say "Just Leave!" and believe the problem ends there. For most, no contact is the best approach. If you must have contact (children, job etc.) clearly define the boundaries and stick to them.
2. Once you are out, a painful process of grieving and withdrawal will follow the few short days of relief. You need serious help and support to stay away.
3. Months down the road you will begin to feel better and think you have recovered but the pattern may be lurking beneath the surface and reappear with the same person or someone new. Now that you feel better you may be more at risk than ever.
4. Use therapy to get clear about how (in some detail) you found yourself in this relationship - maybe you knew he/she had abused a previous partner, drinks too much, does drugs or is mentally ill. It is likely that you were not the first victim. You might have been told early on about his/her abusive father or depressed mother, or abandonment. What made you ignore the signs? Was it your own childhood, loneliness, familiarity, sexual chemistry, rebounding from another loss, or being blinded by the intensity and passion of being wanted? Understanding yourself will help you to stay out and avoid another bad relationship. It does not mean it was your fault.
5. Get honest about your relationship history. What was your pattern in your past relationships? Did you choose or get chosen? Did you want to be wanted so badly that a person with intensity, jealousy and drama made you feel more loved? Were you afraid to be alone and willing to put up with anything to avoid it? Were you embarrassed by your mistake and afraid to disappoint your family or admit you did it again? Were you feeling empowered by the brokenness of another person? Being needed can be a rush for a short time. We all need to attach but being the only one who understands an abusive partner is a very unhealthy form of attachment.
6. What is your worst fear when you imagine actually being loved by an equal, safe, and committed partner? Take a long time to ponder this question. It is the most important question of all. Frankly, it could take years to answer but the process will change your life and your choices forever.
7. Beginning with close friendships (Only people with whom you would never have a romantic interest) learn to love and be loved. Develop healthy boundaries in all areas of your life. Learn to say no and to ask for what you need. Learn to live with joy and without drama, except the kind of drama life can throw at you but you did not cause. While you are working on this do not succumb to friends' encouragement to get back out there until you know yourself well.
8. If you want an intimate relationship and Yes, you do have a choice, begin to develop a list of wants ( i.e. preferences - tall, dancer etc.) and needs (e.g. stable, non-smoker with a job). Ask for help from a healthy friend who knows you. Wants are nice but you can live without them. Needs are absolute deal breakers based on your knowledge of yourself. There should be only a few very important items on the needs list. If you meet someone who doesn't have the thing you need - right now, today, as is, then keep walking. For instance: If you know that you personally need stability and always will, don't spend any time with someone who is unstable even it they are insisting that it is only temporary and they will be stable soon. Make "As Is" your new policy. If a person smokes or has a temper when you meet them, assume they always will.
9. Live your life. Keep your search for a partner in the background, not as the center or foundation of your life. Take care of your money, your health and your relationships with family and friends. Seek balance, steer clear of unnecessary negative drama and be sure to include regular doses of joy and laughter.
10. Thus, healthy love is more likely to find you and you will know when you see it.
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Well, that slapped the truth right in my face :-)
Some stuff I agree, some I don't agree with. Point 8. No one human was put on the planet to fill another persons needs. Only we can fill our own needs.
Needs is ego driven and will not help in anyones healing for giving or getting unconditional love.
I also need to point out, there is no such thing as a "healthy" relationship since we are all cesspools of dysfunction. I think the key is to be "healthy" is to stp thinking with the ego and start using our spirits a little more.
Everyone has wounds and even the person that fits are "needs" or who is "healthy" will falter in our eyes soon enough.
Great list, but not so cut and dry
in my opinion anyway, but a great eye opener none the less
Some stuff I agree, some I don't agree with. Point 8. No one human was put on the planet to fill another persons needs. Only we can fill our own needs.
Needs is ego driven and will not help in anyones healing for giving or getting unconditional love.
I also need to point out, there is no such thing as a "healthy" relationship since we are all cesspools of dysfunction. I think the key is to be "healthy" is to stp thinking with the ego and start using our spirits a little more.
Everyone has wounds and even the person that fits are "needs" or who is "healthy" will falter in our eyes soon enough.
Great list, but not so cut and dry
in my opinion anyway, but a great eye opener none the less
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I don't think the point was that there was one person on the planet that could fill our needs. I think it is that we have certain things we need in a relationship, dealbreakers if you will, and we need to look right past potential partners who don't meet those needs. And having the courage to take care of ourselves, even if we have to walk away from a relationship that previously met our needs, but no longer does.
Also, being a cesspool of dysfunction doesn't have to be a permanent state. I'm working towards getting it down to a rather large puddle.
L
Also, being a cesspool of dysfunction doesn't have to be a permanent state. I'm working towards getting it down to a rather large puddle.
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Sure you can have certain needs, but no one person can fill out every need.
Dealbreakers are not the same as needs.
We are all here as individuals on a journey. And when I say everyone is dysfunctional, I should have said everyone is broken and no one ever gets truly whole.
From beginging to end, life is about lessons.
There are "healthy" relationships, but it's relative. I work with a girl who's marriage, in my eyes, is totally crazy but she is SO happy. To her that's healthy, to me, unhealthy.
The word healthy is vast I suppose and is a little misleading, again, to me that is
Dealbreakers are not the same as needs.
We are all here as individuals on a journey. And when I say everyone is dysfunctional, I should have said everyone is broken and no one ever gets truly whole.
From beginging to end, life is about lessons.
There are "healthy" relationships, but it's relative. I work with a girl who's marriage, in my eyes, is totally crazy but she is SO happy. To her that's healthy, to me, unhealthy.
The word healthy is vast I suppose and is a little misleading, again, to me that is
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
i see what you are saying....there is an implication that healthy is a state we can achieve and thus no longer have ANY issues...
we will always be a work in progress......but hopefully that is FORWARD progress.
we will always be a work in progress......but hopefully that is FORWARD progress.
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I agree with some of what Summerpeach has said, such as the idea that NO relationship is completely healthy, and that "healthy" is relative. Yet, I think most would agree that ideal is not perfect, and that the best, or most ideal relationships would look like this:
(not to say that we don't have our bad days or streaks, we don't realize these qualities 100%, but we can maintain these things most of the time, I think)
Top Traits Of Healthy Relationships
Understanding
This is one trait without which no relationship in this world can survive. If there is no understanding between you and your partner, forget about leading a happy life together. Remember, a little understanding and consideration can go a long way in ensuring that you live ‘happily every after’.
Mutual Respect
One of the basic principles behind mutual respect is that you two ‘agree to disagree’. In other words, you need to let your partner have a viewpoint of his/ her own. At the same time, respect your partner’s decisions, value his/her opinions, involve him/ her in decisions regarding your life, and so on.
Caring & Sharing
The ‘caring’ for your partner should be on a physical as well as emotional level. This is nothing but an extension of your love. On the other hand, sharing involves taking part in household responsibilities, encouraging and enjoying each other’s success, doing things that your partner enjoys, etc
Trust & Faith
Being suspicious is the worst thing that you can do for your relationship. Distrust is something that can wreak havoc on the most beautiful relationship as well. Learn to have faith in your partner. In case of any doubt, discuss the same with your partner, but not in an accusing or skeptical tone.
Honesty & Loyalty
No one in this world (including you) wants to have a partner who is adulterous and unfaithful. Never ever break the trust your partner has on you and remain loyal to your relationship. At the same, maintain honesty between the two of you, be it any aspect of your life. However, at times, sugarcoating the truth is not bad.
Complete Support
A successful relationship is one in which a person has the unfailing belief that he can always fall back upon his partner. And this comes only after receiving constant support from the latter. So, never ever disappoint your partner and be there to take his/her side against the whole world.
Love, Affection & Intimacy
In case you are wondering why I mentioned this particular aspect so late, let me tell you that the ‘best things come the last’. Your relationship will have all the above qualities only when you love your partner enough. In fact, when you are in love with someone, all these things come naturally. So, love your partner the most, show your affection and maintain lots of intimacy between the two of you.
(not to say that we don't have our bad days or streaks, we don't realize these qualities 100%, but we can maintain these things most of the time, I think)
Top Traits Of Healthy Relationships
Understanding
This is one trait without which no relationship in this world can survive. If there is no understanding between you and your partner, forget about leading a happy life together. Remember, a little understanding and consideration can go a long way in ensuring that you live ‘happily every after’.
Mutual Respect
One of the basic principles behind mutual respect is that you two ‘agree to disagree’. In other words, you need to let your partner have a viewpoint of his/ her own. At the same time, respect your partner’s decisions, value his/her opinions, involve him/ her in decisions regarding your life, and so on.
Caring & Sharing
The ‘caring’ for your partner should be on a physical as well as emotional level. This is nothing but an extension of your love. On the other hand, sharing involves taking part in household responsibilities, encouraging and enjoying each other’s success, doing things that your partner enjoys, etc
Trust & Faith
Being suspicious is the worst thing that you can do for your relationship. Distrust is something that can wreak havoc on the most beautiful relationship as well. Learn to have faith in your partner. In case of any doubt, discuss the same with your partner, but not in an accusing or skeptical tone.
Honesty & Loyalty
No one in this world (including you) wants to have a partner who is adulterous and unfaithful. Never ever break the trust your partner has on you and remain loyal to your relationship. At the same, maintain honesty between the two of you, be it any aspect of your life. However, at times, sugarcoating the truth is not bad.
Complete Support
A successful relationship is one in which a person has the unfailing belief that he can always fall back upon his partner. And this comes only after receiving constant support from the latter. So, never ever disappoint your partner and be there to take his/her side against the whole world.
Love, Affection & Intimacy
In case you are wondering why I mentioned this particular aspect so late, let me tell you that the ‘best things come the last’. Your relationship will have all the above qualities only when you love your partner enough. In fact, when you are in love with someone, all these things come naturally. So, love your partner the most, show your affection and maintain lots of intimacy between the two of you.
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Thanks Bolina,
great thread. I really needed it today.
But the first thought that came to my mind after reading number 6 (What is your worst fear when you imagine actually being loved by an equal, safe, and committed partner?)
scared the sh** out of me.
Just as I read it this thought poped to my mind: Bored!
I'm afraid I'd be bored.
OMG
Is this what I'm all about? This has really freaked me out.
Well, I have to do some serious thinking on that one...
great thread. I really needed it today.
But the first thought that came to my mind after reading number 6 (What is your worst fear when you imagine actually being loved by an equal, safe, and committed partner?)
scared the sh** out of me.
Just as I read it this thought poped to my mind: Bored!
I'm afraid I'd be bored.
OMG
Is this what I'm all about? This has really freaked me out.
Well, I have to do some serious thinking on that one...
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when i read #6, i immediately started to dismiss it. then i thought WHOA: don't do this. stay on this.
when i became engaged, i thought that because he looked polished, was educated, dressed "correctly" (he had a trenchcoat for godsake), that he was stable. i could see a solid life, and a good provider for our family; i couldn't believe my good fortune. i didn't realize until after the wedding and pregnancy, that he was alcoholic.
you see, i had a history of picking friends and men that deep down i believed i was superior to in some way.
this pattern continued and after my divorce i found myself with a man who was not as accomplished, not as responsible, not as emotionally aware, as i was.
it has been a struggle for me to have relationships with people who encompass those qualities that i SAY and THINK i want, and a bitter pill to swallow to discover WHY my pattern is to choose certain people. it's all about feeling good about myself.
i'm comfortable around these types of people....but to enter into an intimate relationship with someone who is not f-ed up....scares the heck out of me.
what if i'm not good enough?
i'm taking #6 to my therapist. thank you again.
when i became engaged, i thought that because he looked polished, was educated, dressed "correctly" (he had a trenchcoat for godsake), that he was stable. i could see a solid life, and a good provider for our family; i couldn't believe my good fortune. i didn't realize until after the wedding and pregnancy, that he was alcoholic.
you see, i had a history of picking friends and men that deep down i believed i was superior to in some way.
this pattern continued and after my divorce i found myself with a man who was not as accomplished, not as responsible, not as emotionally aware, as i was.
it has been a struggle for me to have relationships with people who encompass those qualities that i SAY and THINK i want, and a bitter pill to swallow to discover WHY my pattern is to choose certain people. it's all about feeling good about myself.
i'm comfortable around these types of people....but to enter into an intimate relationship with someone who is not f-ed up....scares the heck out of me.
what if i'm not good enough?
i'm taking #6 to my therapist. thank you again.
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Maybe this is another question of semantics. Perhaps "non-negotiables" is a better turn of phrase?
For eg, I deplore racism. It is a non-negotiable for me - no matter what other qualities a person has, I will not be in a relationship with a person with racist attitudes. Although, it would probably never happen because it is an instant turn-off for me. BUT, I do know that I overlooked traits in previous partners that were, in hindsight, deal-breakers but there were other drivers in me that meant that I ignored them (and my inner voice).
Healthy is relative, I agree, and we are all on a spectrum of dysfunction. I'd rather aim to play to each others strengths, though, rather than exist in a life of lowest common denominator thinking.
For eg, I deplore racism. It is a non-negotiable for me - no matter what other qualities a person has, I will not be in a relationship with a person with racist attitudes. Although, it would probably never happen because it is an instant turn-off for me. BUT, I do know that I overlooked traits in previous partners that were, in hindsight, deal-breakers but there were other drivers in me that meant that I ignored them (and my inner voice).
Healthy is relative, I agree, and we are all on a spectrum of dysfunction. I'd rather aim to play to each others strengths, though, rather than exist in a life of lowest common denominator thinking.
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I like #9 ~ living my life. I'm waiting for #10 ~ when I see it. Till then you'll find me in the bubble bath or relaxing, maybe with my favorite music ~ 
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