The Hole

Old 05-12-2010, 10:47 AM
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The Hole

All of my life I've felt something internally - even viscerally - that I've referred to as "the hole". I was so shocked one day when I was at an AA meeting and someone referred to the hole. I thought that I was the only one in the world that felt that ...and to find out that there were so many others that felt the same way was such a shock, but also an awakening.

Although today I am feeling a great big old emptiness (aka the hole) inside of me I am aware that I am not alone.

I've been taught that if I take a look at what I'm trying to have some control over and how that is making my life unmanageable I might discover the trail head to helping the emptiness dissipate.

I've been on an emotional drunk for almost the last week now. Emotional drunks for me are when my relationships get in turmoil and I end up feeling like I do right now (which is rather yucky and disheartened btw). I am reacting so someone elses irritability, moods, obsessions, demands, and feelings. No wonder I feel the way that I do. I've given away my emotional sobriety by responding to the unmanageability in someone elses life.

So....back to what I can't control. I need to open my eyes back up to the awareness that I can't control how someone acts, does/doesn't take care of themselves and how that affects them, how someone treats me, or what they are interested in. I can't control whether someone is giving me what I need - even if it is a legitimate need.

My life can get pretty unmanageable when I give my serenity away - I feel sad, eat too much or don't eat at all, lose my joy, and feel despair. Basically, I am not free and happy to enjoy the life that I do have.

So now, it's time to practice detachment with love, stop trying to buy that bread at the hardware store (that I am CONVINCED they will carry someday apparently), and return to the basics. Self care.....rest, nutrition, seeking support where I know it can be found, BOUNDARIES (how close I should stand to the fire), and doing things that I enjoy.

Please God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 05-12-2010, 02:20 PM
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Ann
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I've given away my emotional sobriety by responding to the unmanageability in someone elses life.
Oh boy, did that ever hit home with me.

Even with recovery, I too often let how someone else feels effect how I feel. To some point that is human nature...if someone is grumpy and crabby and nasty it is just natural to feel offended or hurt, but the part I keep forgetting is that how someone else feels is not about ME.

I am a negativity magnet, so I avoid it whenever I can and remove myself from it when it shows up in my space.

I remember discussing my recovery once with my son. He said he was glad that I had backed off from trying to "fix" everything in his life and that sometimes he just needed to sort out his own bad day.

I remember that because I had not been aware of how interfering I was and it was such a relief to just let go of what was not mine to control.

Thanks for posting this Lightseeker, it's food for thought even today.

Oh...one last thing...I too have heard of what was called a hole in my soul. To me it was that void that I filled with spiritual goodness that I found through recovery.

Hugs
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Old 05-12-2010, 03:05 PM
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Ann -

you are right about it being a hole in the soul. It was such a relief to find a name for it but even more to find steps to take that fill the hole in with love and acceptance.

One day at a time - for sure!
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Old 05-12-2010, 05:36 PM
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Great post Lightseeker...Thank you.

I guess I'm in a bit of a hole right now.

I've managed to strictly enforce my boundaries and I've actually experienced some desperately needed peace in my life over the last few weeks.

I've given up the fantasy that my exah is going to be well some day and we can be a family again. My counselor said fantasies or dreams like the one I've held on to all these years are probably the hardest thing to let go of. I think he's right. Its taken alot of thought and prayer but for the first time, I've been willing to see the fantasy or dream for what it was and, most importantly, realize with my heart (and not just my head) that it isn't meant to be...and actually feel okay with it...at peace.

Now I feel like I'm drifting aimlessly...not really sure where I'm headed...what the future will hold...but I actually like this feeling.

I'm willing to just sit still and wait for things to unfold.

And it feels like you describe...like a hole.

But its a good hole.

And I really believe that, with time, I'll regain my bearings and a sense of direction.
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:34 PM
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Wow...the timing on this one! Thank you lightseeker for sharing that.

I was just sitting with my Mother sobbing like a 4 year old about the WHY of it all! WHY do I keep doing this to myself? WHY do I let myself go into the Hole? WHY do I place more stock in how other people are responding to me than the reality of how I really feel about them? WHY do I keep doubting all of the decisions that I make? WHY do I not feel like I am ever good enough?

....and where does it all come from? That is the journey of discovery that I am on at the moment. Trying to focus on where it all started with me...well, I know NOW where it started...I just need to work on reprogramming.

Thanks for sharing that...it is so nice to know that you are not alone.

Here's to climbing on out of The Hole!!!!!! Onward and upward.
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