Had Enough
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Had Enough
Hi everyone.
I'm glad I found this place. Looking for support. The people around me don't think I have a problem. But that's another story.
Here is mine ...
I am 39 years old and have been drinking heavy since 21. I drink almost every day, at least a 6 pack, sometimes if I had a bad day at work I would down half a litre of bourbon or more. A 2L bottle of wine is nothing to me.
At my worst (and these stretches can last for 2 years straight), I will either finish all the alcohol in the house or pass out, whichever comes first. I have tried to quit before, but it was always just "taking a break from it". I even made it 3 weeks last summer - a record for me.
I am also a professional that somehow manages to keep his job. If I get too drunk the night before I "work from home". I guess I am what they call a functioning alcoholic. But I am noticing I am losing that functionality. A year ago, I was diagnosed with fatty liver, I managed to lose some weight, which helped and took up some sports. During this time I cut back a bit (this overlaps with my 3 weeks on the wagon last summer). But lately I have been back into it pretty heavy. I am noticing the health problems and weight gain again, and I have a son who I want to watch grow up.
So this is it. If I went 3 weeks before I think I can do it for good. I am going into my 4th day and I am feeling ok. Bouncing off the walls a bit, but anything is better than feeling sick.
I think I hate alcohol now. What is it doing for me? I feel sick all the time, having trouble keeping up at work, my memory is crap, I am overweight, I can't do the sports I like (to the extent that I want to). It's poison.
There I said it all. I'm done with this! Thanks for listening to my rant. Hope it doesn't sound selfish, but I needed to share it. :-)
I'm glad I found this place. Looking for support. The people around me don't think I have a problem. But that's another story.
Here is mine ...
I am 39 years old and have been drinking heavy since 21. I drink almost every day, at least a 6 pack, sometimes if I had a bad day at work I would down half a litre of bourbon or more. A 2L bottle of wine is nothing to me.
At my worst (and these stretches can last for 2 years straight), I will either finish all the alcohol in the house or pass out, whichever comes first. I have tried to quit before, but it was always just "taking a break from it". I even made it 3 weeks last summer - a record for me.
I am also a professional that somehow manages to keep his job. If I get too drunk the night before I "work from home". I guess I am what they call a functioning alcoholic. But I am noticing I am losing that functionality. A year ago, I was diagnosed with fatty liver, I managed to lose some weight, which helped and took up some sports. During this time I cut back a bit (this overlaps with my 3 weeks on the wagon last summer). But lately I have been back into it pretty heavy. I am noticing the health problems and weight gain again, and I have a son who I want to watch grow up.
So this is it. If I went 3 weeks before I think I can do it for good. I am going into my 4th day and I am feeling ok. Bouncing off the walls a bit, but anything is better than feeling sick.
I think I hate alcohol now. What is it doing for me? I feel sick all the time, having trouble keeping up at work, my memory is crap, I am overweight, I can't do the sports I like (to the extent that I want to). It's poison.
There I said it all. I'm done with this! Thanks for listening to my rant. Hope it doesn't sound selfish, but I needed to share it. :-)
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
[QUOTE=ErnieOMalley;2595684]Hi everyone.
I'm glad I found this place. Looking for support. The people around me don't think I have a problem. But that's another story.
So this is it. If I went 3 weeks before I think I can do it for good. I am going into my 4th day and I am feeling ok. Bouncing off the walls a bit, but anything is better than feeling sick.
I think I hate alcohol now. What is it doing for me? I feel sick all the time, having trouble keeping up at work, my memory is crap, I am overweight, I can't do the sports I like (to the extent that I want to). It's poison. [QUOTE]
Hi Ernie
Welcome to SR, you will find lots of support here, no matter how bad or sad, you have taken the first step and that is what is important. My husband is in the same position as you a "functioning alcoholic" we have 2 daughters, and I would also like to see him, see them grow up and spend time with them, he is also starting to show your types of symptons. My AH does all his drinking secretly and wont admit he has a problem, but then this is his second time around, he was clean for 7 years.
But please keep on posting, I will try my best to send you encouring messages as often as possible, don't give up!
Tracing Raninbows
Have u ever wondered why things are going wrong for you? Why good people get trampled underfoot? How long, O LORD must I call for help?
It frustrated Habakkuk that GOD seemed to be ''silent while the wicked destroy people who are more righteous than they. Hab 1 v 13
Habukkuk saw only the ''Rain'' He couldnt see the sunshine of GOD's future promises of love and restoration through dark clouds of GOD's discipline.
Habakkuk knew that GOD had to let HIS people live with the results of the sinful choices they made.
GOD will not force us to live HIS WAY.
HE does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.
Lamentations 3 v 3
Habakkuk would have to learn that GOD's rain - the dark time of GOD's discipline - was meant to bring the people back to HIMSELF
The LORD later gave the prophet rainbows of promises for the Israelitesas the impending Babylonians storm approached.''
Habakkuk 3 v 3-4
GOD will answer our objections. We may not like the answers we get, but if we listen carefully and look above, we will be able to TRACE THE RAINBOW IN THE RAIN!
I'm glad I found this place. Looking for support. The people around me don't think I have a problem. But that's another story.
So this is it. If I went 3 weeks before I think I can do it for good. I am going into my 4th day and I am feeling ok. Bouncing off the walls a bit, but anything is better than feeling sick.
I think I hate alcohol now. What is it doing for me? I feel sick all the time, having trouble keeping up at work, my memory is crap, I am overweight, I can't do the sports I like (to the extent that I want to). It's poison. [QUOTE]
Hi Ernie
Welcome to SR, you will find lots of support here, no matter how bad or sad, you have taken the first step and that is what is important. My husband is in the same position as you a "functioning alcoholic" we have 2 daughters, and I would also like to see him, see them grow up and spend time with them, he is also starting to show your types of symptons. My AH does all his drinking secretly and wont admit he has a problem, but then this is his second time around, he was clean for 7 years.
But please keep on posting, I will try my best to send you encouring messages as often as possible, don't give up!
Tracing Raninbows
Have u ever wondered why things are going wrong for you? Why good people get trampled underfoot? How long, O LORD must I call for help?
It frustrated Habakkuk that GOD seemed to be ''silent while the wicked destroy people who are more righteous than they. Hab 1 v 13
Habukkuk saw only the ''Rain'' He couldnt see the sunshine of GOD's future promises of love and restoration through dark clouds of GOD's discipline.
Habakkuk knew that GOD had to let HIS people live with the results of the sinful choices they made.
GOD will not force us to live HIS WAY.
HE does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.
Lamentations 3 v 3
Habakkuk would have to learn that GOD's rain - the dark time of GOD's discipline - was meant to bring the people back to HIMSELF
The LORD later gave the prophet rainbows of promises for the Israelitesas the impending Babylonians storm approached.''
Habakkuk 3 v 3-4
GOD will answer our objections. We may not like the answers we get, but if we listen carefully and look above, we will be able to TRACE THE RAINBOW IN THE RAIN!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((ErnieOMalley)) Welcome to SR!! I hope you read around...you'll find you're in good company..lot's of people here, very supportive and many know exactly what you're going through! I'm a recovering crack addict, but I think it doesn't matter that much about what our "poison" is, we all have many similarities.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hello earnie and welcome to sr,this is a great place for online support.
i tried to control my drinking for 20 years,i will be 38 this year.
i stopped and started many times over the years,i coulld stop but not stay stopped,always my mind would tell me that this time would be different,that maybe i could enjoy my drinking like others.
at the end i hated the stuff too,i just wanted off the treadmill.
i went to AA at the begining of last year and got on the 12 step programme.
i learned about what my illness is and i now live a life where where it is no longer necessary to drink.my life has changed beyond recognition.
have you thought about a recovery programme earnie?
welcome again to sr.
i tried to control my drinking for 20 years,i will be 38 this year.
i stopped and started many times over the years,i coulld stop but not stay stopped,always my mind would tell me that this time would be different,that maybe i could enjoy my drinking like others.
at the end i hated the stuff too,i just wanted off the treadmill.
i went to AA at the begining of last year and got on the 12 step programme.
i learned about what my illness is and i now live a life where where it is no longer necessary to drink.my life has changed beyond recognition.
have you thought about a recovery programme earnie?
welcome again to sr.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 224
Welcome. I too was a controlled, "functioning" alky, but the stress, the anxiety, the dysfunction eventually gets to be too much. We think alcohol helps us deal with these things, but it really is for the most part causing them, or at least preventing us from dealing with them. Fortunately, the problems in their acute mode abate quite quickly. Then most of us need a program to adjust to a life without the drug, on a long term basis. I am 63, with nine days sobriety: hopefully you won't wait that long.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Ernie - I'm so glad you've come to SR. Giving up, reaching out and getting support has made all the difference for me. Like you, I found that it was very difficult, if not impossible, to stay away from alcohol for any period of time, and I was driving myself crazy just trying. Eventually, I was no longer satisfied just to be "functioning" (read: hanging on by a thread) and I knew if I continued I had serious health issues waiting for me right around the corner. Keep posting and check out the May Class of 2010 thread. And don't try to conquer everything at once.... just don't drink for today! 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Welcome to SR Ernie,
I have gone through exactly what you described and have come to believe that the term functioning alcoholic is actually a stage of alcoholism as opposed to a type of alcoholic.
We all know that alcoholism is progressive. This explains why we go from being able to jump up and go to work after a night of heavy partying, to calling in sick (or working from home) a couple times a month or week and then finally either losing our job or quitting before the boss gets a chance to fire us.
I chose to quit my job. In my alcoholic, warped mind, I had to keep my dignity. It was another lie to myself that I wasn't that bad because drinking never caused me to get fired - yeah right.
Glad you're here. Stick around, read about our experiences.
Hopefully, your "thinking that you hate alcohol now" will result in knowing where it will take you - because it will take you down, in time, if nothing is done to change it. We're here 24/7. Post anytime!
I have gone through exactly what you described and have come to believe that the term functioning alcoholic is actually a stage of alcoholism as opposed to a type of alcoholic.
We all know that alcoholism is progressive. This explains why we go from being able to jump up and go to work after a night of heavy partying, to calling in sick (or working from home) a couple times a month or week and then finally either losing our job or quitting before the boss gets a chance to fire us.
I chose to quit my job. In my alcoholic, warped mind, I had to keep my dignity. It was another lie to myself that I wasn't that bad because drinking never caused me to get fired - yeah right.
Glad you're here. Stick around, read about our experiences.
Hopefully, your "thinking that you hate alcohol now" will result in knowing where it will take you - because it will take you down, in time, if nothing is done to change it. We're here 24/7. Post anytime!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: north carolina
Posts: 74
Thanks for the rant. I think everybody who is on here is here because they've been through something like what you're going through. This site has kept me grounded and happy in the short time I've been hanging around. Keep us posted on what's going on with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Thanks for the support everyone. I read a lot of these posts and it is my story reflected back at me. I'm so glad I found this site. I don't think I could go to a sit down AA meeting.
That said I made it through day 4! I am having very vivid and strange dreams. I don't think I ever had dreams when I was drunk - or at least I couldn't remember them.
I did had one very bad minute today where I got a sudden urge to drink and caught myself thinking I could go back to "casual drinking like everyone else once I get straightened out". It's hard to imagine the backyard party without a beer. But I know this is a LIE. That's what I told myself last time, and I went back into that hell even deeper. I just hope I can handle the first time someone tries to hand me an "innocent" beer on a hot day. I think I can. I like the way this feels right now. And I'm tired of destroying myself.
Going to start exploring the rest of the site. Thanks again for the warm welcome everyone!
Ernie
That said I made it through day 4! I am having very vivid and strange dreams. I don't think I ever had dreams when I was drunk - or at least I couldn't remember them.
I did had one very bad minute today where I got a sudden urge to drink and caught myself thinking I could go back to "casual drinking like everyone else once I get straightened out". It's hard to imagine the backyard party without a beer. But I know this is a LIE. That's what I told myself last time, and I went back into that hell even deeper. I just hope I can handle the first time someone tries to hand me an "innocent" beer on a hot day. I think I can. I like the way this feels right now. And I'm tired of destroying myself.
Going to start exploring the rest of the site. Thanks again for the warm welcome everyone!
Ernie
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