reader

Hi all, I haven't been very active around here in Years. A little background for the Newcomers. I am a codie. I have dealt with my situation with my husband and have done the work on myself. Coda, counseling, step work, lots of reading and feel extremely happy. My life is better than I could possible hope for. My one concern is my good friend. We actually met at a CODA meeting and open AA meetings. A little back story about her. She was mandated to a treatment program for CPS calls, were I was also a client for codependency. After getting close with her and falling in love with her little boy. I had him for 6 weeks when she was forced to go to inpatient rehab. We didn't want him to go into foster care as he was only 3 yrs. old. As many people who are forced into treatment she never wanted to quit and has continued to drink. I am in a bad position since she has no family I was asked to go into a discharge meeting as her support person. I have continued to offer her rides to meetings and make gentle suggestions about her drinking, but as we all have learned int is not my job to worry about her sobriety. I refuse to take a step backwards. I love her son and he is with me alot. Question- I know I am enabling her to drink because I offer to take the baby when she is on a binge. As she is younger than myself I suggest how to discipline her son without getting carried away. I have 4 kids so I been there.. Do I back off and let her fall when it is the baby who will pay the price? Another situation I have is she asks me to run her to the store and when we get there she buys beer.. I know I can't police her drinking but I don't want to contribute to the problem.. Any insight would be gladly appreciated.. Thanks for reading this book..lol Kerryanne

reader

Thanks Anvil, any others with suggestions about rides to the store. I feel guilty as I am her only option for rides to the store.. Yet 8x out of 10 she will buy beer without being up front about it. She will often mention an item for the baby but comes out with beer. I feel like I am enabling her to drink. Transportation dept. for child services only provides rides to her out patient appts. I love her and the baby but I want to make the right decision without shoving sobriety down her throat. As I feel I don't want to get in a codie song and dance with her. I have learned over the years that everyone must save themselves. I am confused any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated. Kerryanne

Jadmack25

You don't need to have her "shove" her drinking down your throat either, and that is what she does when begging a lift for groceries etc, and coming out with HER beer.

Don't be her driver when she wants to go to the store, unless she could keep her child from you as punishment...in which case kid comes first.

I believe you are not deliberately enabling her, it is a damned by-product of you caring for a child that could be in danger if you weren't around.

Bummer of a dilemma for you, and can't see a way to get out of it.

God bless

justjo

A difficult situation when children are involved. How long have you known her? Is there anyway to find out if there is in fact any family members. She knows that you will be there to look after her child, this is probably one of the reasons she has no intentions of quitting. If she does have any family members who can look after the child, this is the road I would take, as you have no rights to the child.
I guess, you have to ask yourself how long you think you can possibly keep doing this. My sister had a boyfriend who would take her shopping and he knew she bought booze every time, I saw this as helping her to drink and it finally killed her. She was lucky though that we took her kids to look after them. There was no way she could look after them.
Are you there with her 24/7 and how long is the child with her on its own? A dangerous situation and it sounds horrible, but the child would probably be better off in a loving home. Maybe just maybe , if she thought his might happen it could give her a reason to stop.

coffeedrinker

it always breaks my heart when i see the youngsters suffer.

i recieved a call from my mother one day when i was a stay-at-home mom. she asked if i could pick up my 5-year-old niece from school, since her mother was in hospital for psych issues (drug user). i said of course; tell my sister the little one can stay as long as she likes. she stayed for over 3 years. her mom wanted her back, she had several years of neglect, and ended up back with us when she was 15 through high school graduation.
did i "save" her? unfortunately, no. she has tons of issues, and uses weed. HOWEVER, i know without a doubt, that the positive influence, and the love that i showed this girl, and how i never abandoned her, impacted her. she sends me mother's day cards and writes that she knows the good things she is, and has, in her life today are partly a result of that love and support.
this spring, she will graduate college. just two days ago she asked me if she could possibly come and stay with me for awhile. i said of course, you never have to wonder if that's ok.

such a fine line between enabling and showing love. this little boy's need to have some stability in his life trumps the other stuff, imo.
i agree that a stable and loving home is best, and if that exists in a family member, that would be great. but, you are already in his life. he already has bonded with you. that's extremely important. if you can stay in his life forever, that will be something that helps him to see that he's worthwhile, and loveable.

her b.s. life and you "enabling" her is secondary.

store: if you are willing to go out of your way for a ride to the store, perhaps be willing to just make the run. perhaps ask her for her grocery list, ask for the cash to purchase stuff, then go pick it up. she'll balk, but so what? you are friends, she knows that you know the score, and don't wish her to buy alcohol. just be upfront about it.
if that's not going to work, tell her that you will continue to take her to the store, but only on the condition that she doesn't purchase alcohol. then go in with her, and do your shopping too.
if she breaks the rule, while you're in the store, or you find out afterwards (cuz they're so sneaky!) then you will have to say no the next time, and go back to the original suggestion that you do the store run from now on.

and, by the way, if you're in a decent-sized city, there is probably a service where you shop online and they bring the groceries to you.

reader

Thanks for the support and advise.. I wish there was a online service for shopping but not in this area, very rural and in the mountains. After years of knowing her I know for a fact that she has no family support. Her gram just moved to Georgia and her Mom is raising her eldest son. Though they are on speaking terms she has made it very clear she wants little to do with him. She would have let him go to foster care when she went into rehab. Grammy has alot issues such as drinking and fighting with the boyfriend so it is just as well. It is not so much about a blood relative, we often say family is who u make it. If push came to shove with social services we have already discussed that the baby would come live with me. My dilemma is if I make too much of a stink she may push me a way and find other avenues to continue with her drinking. I have learned with her that this compulsion is stronger than any bonds. Last year when she was in a disfunctional relationship with a alcoholic that drank worse than she did he isolated her from friends and some thought maybe I had been making the calls to CPS. For a couple of months that child lost his life line to get breaks from the situation. Her social life and relationships are now healthier. I have the my little buddy a couple of nights a week. Without coming out and saying it she always chooses the nights she is gonna drink more than usual. Maybe in hindsight she is making a good decision for him as she becomes easily frustrated with him when she is drunk and will scream at him and/or spank him. CPS has dealt with her for years due to calls from her soon EX husband and his family so obviously they will not make the move to change his living arrangement. Years ago I worked with foster care for NYS. and I know how they operate. Once a child I was caring for had been burnt with cigs. and that poor baby was sent back often long enough for more abuse... It was sicking. NY sucks for caring for abused kids. Kids have died of starvation or beatings in foster care so much for protecting kids. I have seen horrors I know of a few foster families that aren't much better. Well thanks so much for reading this if nothing else I feel better for getting this out. Thanks again.. Kerryanne

reader

Hi all and thanks for the response.. I feel like I am sitting on the fence with this issue I hate that feeling.. Question please give it to me straight. Am I enabling her.. I have the baby, {well 3 1/2 yrs.} from last night still and part of me feels like I am giving her an out and not allowing her to grow up.. She planned to drink heavy and bought a 30 rack when I drove her to pick up her script at the drug store.. Only ny would a drug store sell beer and cigs go figure. Well, now I am just complaining but we had a fun sleepover. He is riding on the tractor with my son.. He is loving life and I am so blessed to have him in mine. Ok then I just don't want to enable but she has drank like this for years before I met her so it isn't all on me.. I hate codie guilt..... Thanks for reading

coffeedrinker

i think separate the two issues: the relationship with your friend, and you not wanting to enable her, and the needs of the boy.

you are tending to the needs of the little guy. he is benefitting.

reader

Thanks alot Coffee drinker.. I guess that is just what I needed to hear to validate my feelings. My little fella is here again tonight for another sleep over. He has been running a temp and his mom started a bender last night..
Best he be here with us tonight my family loves him like their own. My kids are 36, 32, 17 & 14 so he gets plenty of attention. He is a similar age to my granddaughter so he has a playmate.. I try to remind myself pertaining to her that I didn't cause it, can't control it, I can't cure it. The one thing I can control and with the grace of God hope to continue... Caring for and making his life one filled with love, joy and a safe place to grow up around Thanks coffee drinker for giving me the strength to continue on this road.. U have helped me more than u will ever understand~~ Love to all, Kerryanne