Two steps forward, one back.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Two steps forward, one back.
Or is it one forward and two back? That is how I am feeling. I have been feeling a bit stronger lately. But somehow, Mother's Day got to me. I had a good day with my kids who are wonderful. What upset me deeply what remembering my husband and is absence that day. For all the messed up holidays etc. I remembered that every Mother's Day and Birthday, my husband made the day special and never caused a problem. (Easter is the same too)
It seems strange to me that all the c**p we would go through b/c of his drinking most of the time - that the these particular moments he made every effort to give me something special. Obviously both have the focus on me, Easter was the day in the beginning of our relationship that I felt disappointment and hurt by something he said. He made it better that day and never made it an issue again. I thought it showed me how he feels about me and yet he isn't here now.
So the death of the dream continues. I thought I was past this part. I feel I have taken many steps backward. What is worse is that my view of the future is dimming once again and i am not able to pull myself out in a few days. I have recieved some encouragement from others and read a lot to help me through this. Just posting hoping it will help as you all know I am not as good at asking for help as I am at giving it.
It seems strange to me that all the c**p we would go through b/c of his drinking most of the time - that the these particular moments he made every effort to give me something special. Obviously both have the focus on me, Easter was the day in the beginning of our relationship that I felt disappointment and hurt by something he said. He made it better that day and never made it an issue again. I thought it showed me how he feels about me and yet he isn't here now.
So the death of the dream continues. I thought I was past this part. I feel I have taken many steps backward. What is worse is that my view of the future is dimming once again and i am not able to pull myself out in a few days. I have recieved some encouragement from others and read a lot to help me through this. Just posting hoping it will help as you all know I am not as good at asking for help as I am at giving it.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i have learned, that the good parts don't cancel out the bad ones. we all have those shining moments but can still decide that those things - few and far between - aren't enough to make a life together satisfying.
two forward, one back. one forward, two back. you are still progressing. it's just hard, and it takes time.
two forward, one back. one forward, two back. you are still progressing. it's just hard, and it takes time.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
My mother's days when with my husband, were made something extra special.....so the first couple after we split, were hard for me and for my girls also.
I guess it is just another of many "special" days, and there were a few that did really sneak under the radar for me, that do cause some heartache.....but like most things, it heals up in time.
Hopefully by next year you will have come so far that it is just a little bit emotional, and you put other ideas in place to make it a lovely day.
God bless
I guess it is just another of many "special" days, and there were a few that did really sneak under the radar for me, that do cause some heartache.....but like most things, it heals up in time.
Hopefully by next year you will have come so far that it is just a little bit emotional, and you put other ideas in place to make it a lovely day.
God bless
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I got worse as the day progressed. I am really struggling with the idea that he thinks he can just walk away. All the times he asked me for another chance and i always gave it to him. Now he won't consider my request to keep trying. I just want to ***** well you all know what I want to say!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Anvil,
Relationships are not logical by nature. I understand the concept of choices, I was just asking for understanding b/c I am hurting and I reached out for soothing - not logic. Thank you for taking the time to read and post which I assume shows your concern.
I also have many things I am grateful for - I just want my husband to be ok and he isn't.
Relationships are not logical by nature. I understand the concept of choices, I was just asking for understanding b/c I am hurting and I reached out for soothing - not logic. Thank you for taking the time to read and post which I assume shows your concern.
I also have many things I am grateful for - I just want my husband to be ok and he isn't.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
I am really struggling with the idea that he thinks he can just walk away. All the times he asked me for another chance and i always gave it to him. Now he won't consider my request to keep trying.
You are moving forward Kassie. I can tell by your posts and you know it within you. You may receive posts that upset you. I understand. Just read them, process them and know we all love you. As they say in Al Anon - you may not like what we have to say, but you know we love you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
I want you to go and buyself a nice cake and indulge..Be good to yourself. Even if he gets sober he cant make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy even through bad days and just by you posting here shows you want to get through this. You have made so much progress. This too shall pass and things will seem clearer.
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
In order to move on from my marriage, I had to go through some really radical changes in my thought process. I am forever grateful for my wonderful therapist for helping me process those changes.
I had it all figured out. I knew what I wanted my life to look like. I knew how things were "supposed" to be. Only problem was, they weren't the way I wanted. My life didn't look anything like I thought it should. The more tightly I clung to my fantasy life, the more desperate and miserable I got.
It was just one more thing I had to let go. I had to release my attachment to "my way" and let life unfold the way it wanted to. I had to stop looking at it as a struggle to get what I want, and start looking at it as a compelling adventure that I never know exactly how it will turn out. This shift has been very freeing for me. Now that I don't expect things to be a particular way, I am free to embrace whatever life tosses my way. My days on this planet are limited. I intend to spend the ones I have left with as much passion and enthusiasm as I can muster, regardless of who wants to join me on that journey or not.
L
I had it all figured out. I knew what I wanted my life to look like. I knew how things were "supposed" to be. Only problem was, they weren't the way I wanted. My life didn't look anything like I thought it should. The more tightly I clung to my fantasy life, the more desperate and miserable I got.
It was just one more thing I had to let go. I had to release my attachment to "my way" and let life unfold the way it wanted to. I had to stop looking at it as a struggle to get what I want, and start looking at it as a compelling adventure that I never know exactly how it will turn out. This shift has been very freeing for me. Now that I don't expect things to be a particular way, I am free to embrace whatever life tosses my way. My days on this planet are limited. I intend to spend the ones I have left with as much passion and enthusiasm as I can muster, regardless of who wants to join me on that journey or not.
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Kassie,
I think you're in the place I call "the abyss" for myself.
What struck me about your post is when you talked about "the death of the dream". I have SO been there, and probably a lot of us here would use those same words. A big part of the death of my dreams had to do with other people, and relying on them. They let me down, my expectations were different than they were. That part was about me needing to rely on myself instead of counting on my exs to be the "filler" in some aspect of my life. No wonder I attracted those touched by alcoholism/addition/codependency, and was attracted to them! I wasn't self-sustaining, and my dreams weren't self-sustaining as a result. The other thing I discovered through the death of my dreams is that pulling back the layers I found out they really weren't my dreams at all, they were the dreams of significant people in my life and I had gotten super comfy with that. That was actually the good news, because then I could figure out what my dreams are and move ahead with those. I'm still learning about that, but I assure you, it's getting a whole lot better.
This moment in time is just that: a moment in time. If you go back and read my posts you'll see that not long ago I was swimming in despair. Keep posting, and remember that YOU are all that YOU need--Mother's Day and all.
BTW, Mother's Day was very hard for me for some of the same reasons. I like what anvil said about 3 things you're grateful for--gratitude is a powerful tool. When we live with gratitude it's a place of abundance. Give that to yourself!
Hugs, hugs, hugs,
posie
I think you're in the place I call "the abyss" for myself.
What struck me about your post is when you talked about "the death of the dream". I have SO been there, and probably a lot of us here would use those same words. A big part of the death of my dreams had to do with other people, and relying on them. They let me down, my expectations were different than they were. That part was about me needing to rely on myself instead of counting on my exs to be the "filler" in some aspect of my life. No wonder I attracted those touched by alcoholism/addition/codependency, and was attracted to them! I wasn't self-sustaining, and my dreams weren't self-sustaining as a result. The other thing I discovered through the death of my dreams is that pulling back the layers I found out they really weren't my dreams at all, they were the dreams of significant people in my life and I had gotten super comfy with that. That was actually the good news, because then I could figure out what my dreams are and move ahead with those. I'm still learning about that, but I assure you, it's getting a whole lot better.
This moment in time is just that: a moment in time. If you go back and read my posts you'll see that not long ago I was swimming in despair. Keep posting, and remember that YOU are all that YOU need--Mother's Day and all.
BTW, Mother's Day was very hard for me for some of the same reasons. I like what anvil said about 3 things you're grateful for--gratitude is a powerful tool. When we live with gratitude it's a place of abundance. Give that to yourself!
Hugs, hugs, hugs,
posie
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
Posts: 19
I'm sorry you're going through this and hope your outlook is brighter even by the time you read this. I also like the gratitude idea. I started what I hope to become a new habit today. I sat down at the table with my toddler for dinner and said at least 5 things I was grateful for today. Just trying to keep some positives in mind when we're regularly focused on all the negative.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
someone,
i LOVE the dinner ritual you are starting. what a gift to give your child.
kassie,
i think it's as simple as this:
you asked (demanded) that he get sober. he didn't, so you told him it was booze or you.
he didn't want to do it your way, so he came back and said please.
please can i have the booze and you?
you said nope. not ok.
so now, he gets it. he walked away because when he came back and said please, he meant please, my way. not yours.
he doesn't want to do it your way and he knows his "way" will continue to be a deal-breaker.
i'm sorry i didn't look up your posts, so i don't know the details. but could it be something like that?
i LOVE the dinner ritual you are starting. what a gift to give your child.
kassie,
i think it's as simple as this:
you asked (demanded) that he get sober. he didn't, so you told him it was booze or you.
he didn't want to do it your way, so he came back and said please.
please can i have the booze and you?
you said nope. not ok.
so now, he gets it. he walked away because when he came back and said please, he meant please, my way. not yours.
he doesn't want to do it your way and he knows his "way" will continue to be a deal-breaker.
i'm sorry i didn't look up your posts, so i don't know the details. but could it be something like that?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I get the feeling and you are not alone.
All those feelings are needed and are important.
Lately instead of saying "i feel X when it should be Y! whats wrong with me!!!!"
I say "Ok X, I recognize you are a master disguised as this feeling. Welcome, you are here again for a reason... "
After accepting its here and not assigning judgment I find it easier to see what my options are, if my intuiton says it will pass, or if I need outside help to process it ......
All those feelings are needed and are important.
Lately instead of saying "i feel X when it should be Y! whats wrong with me!!!!"
I say "Ok X, I recognize you are a master disguised as this feeling. Welcome, you are here again for a reason... "
After accepting its here and not assigning judgment I find it easier to see what my options are, if my intuiton says it will pass, or if I need outside help to process it ......
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